| A
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I would really appreciate your help. I met some cousins of mine I didn'tknow I had for the first time a year ago. I got on best with the youngest ,lets call him M , being the more sociable of the bunch, and we had a bbqand played outdoor games, it was a lovely day. M an I got on really well and heseemed like such a lovely guy , really sweet and he behaved like a real gentleman. He's only 22 , I'm 37 but he's really easy to get on with. He at that time was off drink Since then I have become friends with all my cousins on face book , and we all get on. Three of them are in a band , including M, and the older brother Z invited me to their gigs ,but Ideclined , as I couldn't get a baby sitter , and I wished to go with my husband.M said it was a shame I didn't go , and he used to comment and like my face book statuses fairly frequently. There was one time he tried to flirt a bit, using innuendo, which surprised me as it was totally out of the blue. I asked him about it by email and he said he flirts with 90% people ,that flirting is a natural occurrence and that everyone understands , so I didn't take it seriously. Any way ,Z invited me to another gig a few weeks ago , so I made the effort and went along. I invited my husband but he said he had to help his brother move house. So I found a friend to go with. The band were really good and it was so good to see them again after a whole year ! Myself and my friend went to the bar downstairs to catch up. We were there for about an hour when I noticed the band walked in , straight passed our table. I then they walked passed out table again and P looked at me and smiled. I waved back and carried on talking to my friend. About an hour later , I was standing at the bar and I felt someone kiss the back of my neck. I turned around and M was standing there smiling. I was so surprised and pleased to see him , I gave him a big hug. I ignored the kiss. So he joined out table and we chatted , and he was polite top my friend but being very attentive to me. During the conversation he mentioned how big his ex girlfriends feet were (he has just split up with her , days before I saw him ) , then he said well you know what they say about big feet. I ignored that. It was getting close to the time I would have to catch the last train home , and he asked my friend to get me a whiskey. She got me a non alcoholic drink and he noticed this straight away. I jokingly said 'anyone would think you were trying to get me drunk M and he said 'well I haven't seen you for a year , so yeah !' I asked him where his brother Z was and he didn't answer , his body slumped , he scowled, and he looked jealous!? I only asked as I thought it was odd his brothers didn't join us for a drink! My question is , and please help me , because it is really confusing me, was he coming on to meor am I reading into it too much ? I got the train home , and since that night he hasn't tried to contact me at all. I asked him about the kiss on my neck etc , and he denied everything , said he was sure he had kissed my cheek, that I had misread his body language , that he tried to get me to drink because he wanted me to enjoy myself ! I can't tell if I am imagining things , or if he really was trying it on ?? It's a shame because the friendship we had seemed to be ruined now , and I don't want that. He said we will only ever be friends , which is fine by me , but he doesn't talk to me anymore ? What can I do to repair this ? I think he may have a drink problem.. he did say a while back that he suffers from depression , and that if he drinks he can sometimes go off the rails. I care about this guy , what can I do ? Should I walk away or give him the benefit of the doubt ?It's like he is afraid to admit he was coming on to me in case he gets caught, or he just doesn't remember. Is he playing games or what ? It is important to me , because he is my cousin , and our paths will cross again, and I need to know if it would be best just to cut all contact off with him , but that would mean not being able to go to his gigs and see my other cousins:( I have subsequently tried talking to M weeks on , as he is still avoiding communicating with me in any way. I had a heated argument with him on face book a while back. I was trying to clear the air , as I was going to one of his gigs the following week ,I was invited by his brother , it's their album launch party and I didn't want things to be awkward. I told him I've been really upset that he has just shut me out with no explanation , and that I didn't like the way he tried to get me drunk. He got really angry with me , said he was sick and tired of me accusing him of coming onto him (I've only tried talking to him twice ) , and he said to please get it into my head that he was just being friendly. He did however apologise for shutting me out , he said he was just trying to create some distance between us to gain some perspective. He said he would never be attracted to a family member , because it's weird. He denied everything again , the neck kiss , asking my friend to get me a whiskey..he said I was being a delusional fantasist! he said he didn't care what I thought, and was quite rude, it was very hurtful.I can't understand why he is being like this , or why he is denying everything ?It's making me second guess myself again, and wonder if I have imagined the whole thing, but I have a very good memory and I know what happened. I said to him that I may have gotten the wrong end of the stick , and that I was sorry, and that I felt like an idiot. I also told him I wasn't attracted to him .Then his tone changed, much politer, like I was a business associate, and he sent me this : 'Thank you for the message, I appreciate you taking the time to have another think about it.Given the circumstances at the moment and the fact that gigs are stressful anyway (this tour is very important to me), can I request that you don't attend on this occasion. I need to be focused on the gig as we have important industry people coming down to see us, and i feel this situation and conversation we have been having would not be appropriate in this particular face to face environment, when i know my mind will be elsewhere. I don't want to do or say anything that may be misconstrued again, when i know i'll be concentrating on the gig and not giving this the time and energy it requires. I hope you understand and respect my position as i would like you to see this request as me being respectful to you.' I was quite hurt that he didn't want me to go , and I wasn't planning on talking to him, unless he approached me. I told him i had no intention of talking to him , that I was just going to listen to the music and leave , and that I would see if I could get a baby sitter so my husband could come.M replied 'I can't stop you, it was a request.'I left it at that , then I made a comment on one of his face book statuses, a harmless joke, and he blocked meAny way , I tried talking to his brother Mick aboutit , and Mick went and told his dad , then I got a hostile email from his dad.He accused me of harassingM , and basically didn't believeM had come onto me , or tried to get me drunk.He said it was my version of the story.Unfortunately , i didn't have any proof , other than the one email where M admits he was flirting but that he does it with 90% of the people, which his dad said he found 'innocuous'. He said he was willing to keep an open mind if I could provide evidence of the innuendo , but I couldn't because it was a comment made on one of my face book statues, and asM has blocked me , his comment is no longer there.I offered my friend's face book link , as she was there that night and remembers everything , but he ignored that. He said it was best to forget the matter and to have no more contact with M. It transpires his brother Z had instructed M to tell me not to go to the gig. `The whole thing has been very upsetting and stressful, they have made me feel like this is my fault. They had no empathy for me at all , and said that M had been effected very negatively by everything, which I didn't know. Half of me is sorry , the other half is unsure who should be apologising here, me or them . I was very fond of my cousins and I am truly distraught. I'm not sure I will ever be able to move on from this , until my name is cleared , as both Z and his dad seem to think I am delusional, but I remember everything crystal clear. Is it worth trying to make some kind of reconciliation , or should I just leave it ? The other brother , my cousin D has invited me to another gig in December. M , Z and their dad will be there . What should I do ? Please help ,Kind regards , G :)
View related questions:
alcoholic, cousin, drunk, ex girlfriend, flirt, his ex, jealous, move on, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (2 November 2014):
 You have posted this question 3 or 4 times and gotten roughly the same answers.
I'm not sure if you are even looking for "help" or just plain obsessing over a DRUNKEN FLIRT YOU are a MARRIED lady, he flirted with you while drunk and then reconsidered that maybe flirting with a MARRIED cousin is NOT really smart. Top it off YOU make this HUGE deal out of it by involving his dad and brother? Fighting with him on FACEBOOK? Seriously?
LADY, focus on your own marriage. And stay away from this cousin. What you are doing is NOT healthy.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 November 2014):
 You have posted this before which to me indicates that you truly are obsessing over the whole situation. You have really blown this way out of focus. Best put it on a back burner for awhile and try to concentrate on your own immediate family and friends. Any attempts to contact your cousins will only look like harassment but by moving on you will be showing them that it was only a slight misunderstanding on everyone's part, which in fact it was.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2014): You do sound a bit delusional, it really wasn't a big deal, if my cousin came up and gave me a peck on the neck from behind I'd just be like 'hello' and not think much of it! He was drunk at his own gig, joking around, obviously a natural flirt - he's in a band after all, don't take it so seriously. And I'm with his dad on this, it does sound like you've harassed him over this, I mean you should have just left it and thought nothing on it instead you refuse to let it drop until he says right I don't want you coming , and then you go ask his brother about it instead of just letting him have space! Get another hobby, talk to your other cousins but not about him or the gig, do not obsess overit. He is depressed and so am I so if someone made such a big deal out of one of my actions that was slightly odd when I was out enjoying myself for once I'd feel upset and stressed about it too! It's not all about you. You should give a one off apology for causing any stress and MOVE ON, do not talk to those cousins for at least six months!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2014): It's classic for a man who has been flirting with a woman and doesn't get what he wants to then call her 'delusional', 'paranoid', 'crazy' etc etc. Happens all the time.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2014): You met them a year ago and you've seen them a couple of times since.
No offense but you are taking this drama fat too seriously.
Why do you keep pressing this point that he's attracted to you ? So what if he is? It's neither here nor there for you. He offered you one alcoholic drink. Big deal. That's what a lot of young people do - drink themselves into a stupor at concerts.
He didn't speak to you for ages after the gig anyway and you made first contact. He doesn't exactly sound desperately in love with you.
I'd say stop the drama. If he comes onto you, reassert the boundaries immediately - not a few months down the line. And don't go round involving the rest of the family.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 November 2014):
 There is a 15 year age gap and you are related cousins.
He also knows that you are married. He was probably still tired and exhausted after the gig and happened to kiss you. He knows you and he sees you as family and a friend.
I think his mind was elsewhere but I don't think he was flirting. Instead I think he was just being friendly, in his own way.
Perhaps schedule more outings with just you and your husband to ensure that you don't focus on this situation too much. It is clearly distressing to fall out with family.
I don't think the band want the distraction of any confusion that might impact on the band.
I am sorry to hear that a cousin called you delusional, but perhaps he was feeling a bit emotional when he accused you of that. It sounds like you need to step back and not make a mountain out of a mole hill as it could impact on the harmony of your relationships with your family.
...............................
|
