A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am so confused. I met a guy I used to date 25 years ago on facebook, we fell immediately back in love. He is separated and from what both he and his family tells me, his soon to be ex is a horrible person. I have witness first hand. She texts him and his family horrible things, calls him a pig, says she is going to sleep with all his friends, etc.. She has been sending these texts for the past 5 months since we have been dating with no end in sight. One week she wants him back and is nice, the next week she says she will ruin his life. She has also turned the older kids (20 and 22) against him and his family. He ALWAYS responds. I don't get it. He claims he wants her to leave him alone and not hear from her but he keeps participaing. He told me he hadn't heard from her in days but my gut feeling always told me somethign was as not as he was saying. So, as ashamed as I am of this, I checked his texts. She had not texted him in days but I saw that he was texting her - saying he was in a lonely place, he was thinking about his family and is sad, etc... He was asking if she was okay. So for someone who claims he hates her and wanted it to stop, why would he initiate more when it finally did stop??? I broke it off anyway because I was so hurt. He has never asked for a divorce either and it would seem its not over and he DOES want to hear from her. DId I do the right thing or am i just being paraoind and jealous?
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female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (6 May 2014):
You did the right thing. If he ever is free in head and heart I am sure you might consider a future with him. At the moment he is not. I know, because I lived the exact same circumstances except it was 30 years later. We are till together but only because she cut the apron strings and remarried herself first. At the time he wanted to be with her, but told me different. I know if he had the choice now that he would stay with me. It is all very complicated and knowing what I do now I would not do it again. It had a terrible effect on my mental health. I "knew" that he was trying to get back with her or testing his options. He denied it. The stress was overwhelming and since then I have been diagnosed with two cancers. No idea why, but I do believe that stress affects health a lot.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2014): In just one paragraph you painted a pretty haunting reality. This guy's issue all goes back to his childhood. It's not that he is not over his ex. He probably was never all that great to her to begin with. In fact, he was probably horrible to her, that's why she hates him so much. Of course he probably cheated on her. His family sounds delusional and like they feed into his own delusion. A solid family would hold him accountable for his actions and not engage in such pettiness as putting down the MOTHER of his children as if he were some sort of saintly helpless victim. No matter how pissed off the ex got. Please! No matter what happened with my past relationships, my family, for instance, sneers at the thought of me dwelling or talking shit about it as they find it foolish and petty and think I am above that and there are more mature ways to handle it. Not only that but they are well aware that they are only hearing MY side of the story. And that's how they treat mere relationships. Imagine how much more tolerant they would be if marriage and children were involved? The lack of tolerance from his family toward his WIFE and MOTHER of his kids, no matter what happened between them, is scary and should be an immediate red flag to you. The fact that his family is so blindsided and engages in this behavior should show you how petty and rather unintelligent they are. And should show you what YOU have to look forward to if you didn't cut your losses.The root of the problem is that this guy needs his ego stroked at all costs because that is what he has always gotten, therefore that is all he knows. You know what they say, guys look for relationships like the one's they have with their mother's and it sounds like that is what he is used to, that is the only dynamic he understands between a man and a woman, and it all goes back to his relationship with his mother. He has always gotten his ego stroked by mommy no matter what. Whenever he screws up, his family turns a blind eye to it and they all gang up together and find a scapegoat to relieve him of all blame, in this case, it was his ex wife. Count your lucky stars it wasn't you. And it will always be this way. What's worse is that men like these lie, cheat and deceive constantly. Why? Because they can! Because they have never had anyone in their life slap their hand and say, "You are out of line, act your age, grow up, I will not accept that behavior!" He knows he can lie, cheat and steal and his family will always protect him and deny the facts. He is so deluded he probably thinks all humanity will. That is why he treats women the way he does. He sees his mother in everybody. This guy has no boundaries, no filter, has no clue how to put the brakes on his own behavior because he was never conditioned to do so. He has a character disorder, most likely. He's got major issues. There are a lot of people in this world who do not a have any character. It's a sad reality. They are not born that way. They are made. With you and the ex, of course he wants to have his cake and eat it too. It's all about what he wants and not about you and his ex in particular. You both just happen to be the ones involved in his current love triangle. Girl, cut your losses. Say BYE BYE asshole!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 May 2014):
 You two fell in love with a fantasy. A 25 year old fantasy. Nothing wrong in that. Facts are , that you are two VERY different people today, then who you were 25 years ago.
Second of all, NEVER ever date a guy who is claiming to be ALMOST divorced or separated. THERE is a reason why the system has a wait period from separation to the finalization of a divorce. IT IS to give the parties time to get their stuff together, to move on and sort out issues. I know a LOT of people feel that a separation means divorce.... Sometimes it doesn't. Some people DRAG it out. For financial reason or (like in your case) EMOTIONAL reasons.
The second anon (3rd post from the bottom) is pointing out a few things for you to think on.
1. IF she acts like a TOTAL cow, consider that she didn't just wake up one morning and decide to be a total bitch. HE might in fact have had something to do with it.
2. If a guy talks SO much smack about a soon to be ex - and how it's ALL her fault... He might not be telling the truth and he is NOT one for accepting responsibility for his own actions, it's SO much easier to paint the "soon-to-be-ex-wife" as the villain. She TURNED the kids against him.. SERIOUSLY? The "kids" are in their 20's they are old enough to make up their own minds as to HOW they feel about their parents and the divorce.
3. When their actions and words don't match, he is PROBABLY lying. He SAYS he doesn't want to be with her or talk to her... YET he is still trying to engage her in lovey-dovey talk. WHAT does that tell you? He isn't over her.
Reality is, the guy is messed up. He doesn't quite know what he wants, my guess is he wants it all. The fantasy with you and his marriage back.
Did he by any chance CHEAT on her? Is that why they are separated? Because that would make sense in a few ways. Firstly because she claims to want to cheat with all his friends.. THAT makes me think HE cheated with a friend either of theirs or hers. And the kids don't want anything to do with him.
Run, block him, delete him and count your blessing that you didn't get in deeper then this.
ALWAYS trust your gut.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (6 May 2014):
 Good call. Stay away from this pair they are toxic.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 May 2014):
 You did the right thing. He wasn't over her.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (6 May 2014):
 You definitely did the right thing. Good for you. It's always best to wait until the divorce is final to start dating. In this case, he clearly doesn't seem over her. Stick to your guns.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2014): Sometimes the only way to win a war is not to fight. Tell him the same thing about his constant engagement in battle with her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2014): I think you did the right thing. And in general, and for future reference, whenever you are dating a guy and he has an ex with that much animosity toward him, you should always ask yourself what on earth HE did to inspire that kind of anger in her. No ifs ands or buts. Its the absolute truth! Not only that, another rule of thumb is, whenever a guy puts ALL blame on the ex (SHE was the asshole, SHE is the one calling me, SHE can't move on), know 100% he is lying. Regardless if it were true or not, a man with any character will accept just as much blame for the failure of a past relationship as he puts out because a man with character is FAIR. And no matter what happened would never poison the well for his ex in order to gain sympathy from his new girlfriend. And as you see you caught him in his own lie. But he gave you plenty of clues beforehand that he is not worth you getting involved with. I've both dated and been friends with a few people like this guy. And when it comes to relationships they are total snakes. My ex best friend used to always tell me and her new boyfriend how her ex boyfriend couldn't get over her. She claimed she wanted nothing to do with him. According to her he was obsessed and instigating problems in her new relationship. I know her ex boyfriend pretty well as we all used to hang out alot but when they broke up I tried to keep my distance out of respect. I ended up talking to him several months later and he told me a very different story than the one she wanted people to believe. It was her all along who kept calling him and stringing him along. He eventually blocked her number then she started trying to contact him via email asking him to meet her, meanwhile doing the reverse and talking badly about her new boyfriend. It's sick! She was livid when she found out that I found so before I could say anything and expose her she started poisoning the well for me so nobody would believe me. Stay away from this guy. I know his type very well. You absolutely did the right thing. Now move forward and don't look back.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): Yes you did the right thing. The ending of their relationship is still fresh and raw. There is no way he was over it, and there is a huge risk he will return to his ex albeit temporarily. Her text messages give every indication of enormous hurt which is only possible if there is still enormous love there. She may not be such a horrible person, she is hurting like crazy knowing her husband is with another woman. that kind of pain makes you do things you may not normally do. I will not date anyone that has not been out of a long term relationship for at least a year, and they have to be divorced, not just separated. I made these rules knowing how I feel, how long it takes to get over someone, how my exes came back to me even when they were with someone new etc etc.You are afraid you made a mistake, you are hurting and thinking you bought this pain on yourself needlessly, but I can assure you, it is better to end it now than later.You are the rebound person at the moment. He would likely go back and forwards between you and his ex until he made up his mind what he really wanted, especially if she still wants him back sometimes. You would be in for a rough ride to get to the otherside.Let him work out his old relationship first, end it, get over it, then if your love for eachother is real, you can rekindle it again then.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 May 2014):
 You're now getting a glimpse of the difference between words and actions. Some aunts disagree with me, but in my opinion, never ever date someone whose divorce is not finalized, because that relationship is not over, AND it's too easy to SAY you're separated while you're still married.
He isn't over his ex, and he never was. If he's with you, but telling her how lonely he is, that means he's only using you to prop his ego. Time to run!
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