A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Nobody to love?I have always been unlucky in love. I never had a long term relationship. I think some people are meant to be single and im one of them. It seems men only see my body and not me as a person. Im not vain or bragging. But i feel they only want sex and see a hot body to ****. I dont sleep around im not easy.Where do you go today to meet nice decent men. All the men i know including relations prefer sitting in on a night and staying single. Im worried ill be too old by the time i meet anyone if i want a family by the rate my life is going. I do socialise and i go on my own as all my friends are settled or far away. I have tried online dating no successAny advice on meeting new people. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): Well as a guy of 44 on the 5th of may 2014 lol i had to give you a reply to your question.
As i said i'am 44 but i did not find the right women until i hit 25 and i had 2 years to get to know the women before i got into a relationship with her, and to be honest i am glad i took my time as it would have crashed and burned if i had rushed into it not knowing how she liked to be treated by a guy as she was older by some years.Sadly she passed away 10 years later and i then met a younger women of 18 who was in a really bad situation like yourself not meeting the right guys and getting herself into trouble thinking she was not really wanted but just being used by the guys she was with.I got to know her by helping her put her life back together and for almost a year we just talked and spent time together, then she asked me to stay over one night as i was to drunk to drive, so i crashed on her sofa,it was then that our relationship started to get off the ground as we began to get closer and she began to trust me more.We have know been together 8 years and have 6 lovely kids 3 girls 3 boys and i am glad i waited,to be truthful as i was ready to be a dad by then,I know you are worried about your ability to have kids in the long run and i don't think you should just rush head long into a train wreck of a relationship just to have kids as you still have plenty of time to find mr right and to make your family but please don't think you are not wanted there is always someone out there who will just change your life when you least expect it just relax and take your time and he will find you at your best i wish you the very best and hope you find your special someone
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): First, drop the pessimism! Relationships are not potions we take to cure sadness; and fix what ails us emotionally. That means you have work to do on yourself. You have to be whole; before taking on another whole person. Sorry,I'm not "half" of anything. I was not born a twin.
All people are meant to be single for an extended period of our adult-lives. It allows us to pursue an education, learn how to support ourselves, travel, gain life-experience, employment experience, and how to deal with other people. There are all sorts of personalities out there; and we have to sample a few for the right fit for our own.
People are easy to find, good partners are not.
I was one of the lucky guys who met someone when I was only in my teens. We met by accident. We practically grew up together from that point. It ended seven years ago when my partner died of cancer. That lasted over a span of 28 years!
Guess what? I had no dating experience to fall back on; so I was thrust into the dating scene over the age of 40!!! Girlfriend, it was nothing but people looking for quick hookups or sugar daddies. Kooks, creeps, and an wide assortment of fruit and nuts. (That's figuratively speaking.) I'm a gay man, so pardon some of the jargon.
I will juggle a metaphor here and there.
You have to ride out the slumps and slow periods. Minimize your anxiety about aging. Yes, you will have to kiss a few toads. That experience has taught you what you DON'T want to settle for; and how to look out for certain kinds of men.
However; you shouldn't decide the majority of men are difficult or a bunch of jerks; based on the few you've dated.
Remember, your taste in male-types was a factor. You have to test a variety of types; and avoid a slew of maniacs and psychos. You have to learn to duck a bullet. They come-on like silk; and scratch like sandpaper, once you find-out what lurks beneath that hot and sexy exterior.
You also have to look at what you may be doing consistently that brings each connection to a grinding halt; or the guys take flight after they get sex.
It takes a minimum of two to make a relationship; and both people are bringing something good (or bad) to the table. It's hard to see our own faults.
Listen to constructive criticism; even if it cuts like a knife. The truth hurts sometimes. We need it for growth and protection. We focus and work diligently on that fault; if it ends relationships. You'll never be perfect, so don't expect to get perfection.
Set standards you live by; not for others to live up to!
Your pessimism is a dead giveaway of a little desperation.
Don't take that as an insult, it's a natural human-response for all of us single-folk searching for meaningful companionship. We have our good days, and bad ones.
You have to stop searching for "love" and just appreciate companionship for what it's worth. Allow your romantic-connections to formulate; and chemistry to ignite, before setting your expectations for the future. Stay in the present. Looking too far out into the future; will make you trip over things right in-front of you in the present.
Do not meet a guy with "long-term" goals. Try just dating for fun. You're not wasting time; you're allowing natural selection and chemistry to take place. Too much pushing, and you make big mistakes and overlook red-flags.
We all want immediate gratification; because frustration creates an urgency that makes us needy and clingy.
Been there and done that.
You must continue everything you're presently doing. Just change your attitude and reset your goals. Tweak your mindset a little. First, to find a suitable guy. Someone nice, respectful, hopefully good-looking, and shows a legitimate interest.
Not always some smooth-talker with a nice touch, a great job, and sporty vehicle. Don't leave him out. He's too much fun. He knows his options are wide; and he's going to play the field as long as he can. Try the nice average guy who is educated, low-key, friendly, shows confidence; and a very positive outlook.
Always look for signs of good character and kindness. If nothing else!!!!
We all want to score a perfect 10. If we're an 8, we'll have to compensate for those two points. One point might be more realistic. So reach for the 9! Then we'll help each other to become 10's! You still need room to grow.
Positive-people are more likely to be successful at getting the things they pursue. They know that life sets it's own time-schedules; but we can alter our destiny by making choices. Choices made with common-sense, an open-mind,
optimism, and confidence. Having a realistic sense of your self-worth and power.
Don't go looking for man to "make you happy;" or to "complete you!" There are no "soul-mates" or "only ones." There are people out there to date and sample. If one doesn't connect, then you try another.
The earth is populated with over seven billion human beings; and more being born every second. So how can you be single the rest of your life? You only delay your success with the loss of hope. Your cynical-mind will overlook what Fate has presented to you; when she decides to smile on you.
I want you to go away with this in your mind, my dear.
One out of several "right-guys" is making his way toward you. He may not be the only right-guy. Your destiny may hold several men to touch your life; and then the best of all will end that search. You'll know him for sure. He'll know you too! Slumps come in cycles. Never feel discouraged.
Don't look at a breakup as a total failure. It was just the wrong choice; and you're set free to correct that mistake.
Sure being dumped, dumping someone else, is miserable.
It is supposed to be. It's so it doesn't become a habit.
Narcissists get-off on hurting people. Eventually a house falls on them, and they get their just desert. There is always one predator higher on the food-chain. Even sharks get eaten.
If you're smart; you'll come away with a lesson from each guy you meet. Throughout the dating and courtship process; the gap between romantic-connections is your time of growth and adjustment. You're under repair and maintenance. So drop the bitter attitude, and quit the sulking.
Your pretty face looks terrible when your smile is upside down. Your attitude reflects your inner-self. We have instincts to read that in people. That sense you feel in your gut; when something just isn't right. Listen to it. Trust it.
That's part of the mechanism of self-preservation. Not to be confused with insecurity. Insecurity is a weakness! Toxic to relationships, and a symptom of giving up without a fight. Not knowing your own potential, or needing others for validation. Total deal-breaker for me.
I had a brief relationship and got dumped last year. I wrote some articles for DC during my period of healing. I rediscovered my feelings. I owe it to the guy who dumped me.
He was quite generous in spirit. Loved spending his money, we both love to travel, and he was totally intrigued with me. We had a wonderful time together. He made me feel alive again, got my heart pumping. He tried to hide his darker-side. I did discover it quite by accident; tried to overlook it. In pride and shame; he decided to end it himself.
He said, in his heart; he feels I deserve better. Tell me something I don't already know! He had hardly any complaints! I still had to know before parting what I needed to fix. He said, he just didn't want to hurt me.
When someone says that; most likely they planned their exit in advance. Your replacement is already waiting in the wings. So, I didn't need to maintain being friends.
I have plenty of friends; so we parted amicably. I don't look back. I took with me what I needed, and the past can have the rest. He set my expiration-date. It was quite painful, but I'm resilient. Life goes forward.
I still have no regrets. I miss him, but there are just too many things I have to do. Too many people who touch my life; and so many people that need my help here on this site.
You are correct that child-bearing years are numbered. However; too many of us rush into relationships and waste valuable time. We have to allow love to find us. It is evasive and tricky. It will sneak up on you.
Don't confuse neediness with love. Settling for a loser just to have a man in your life. You still have to be careful where you place your feelings; and how you interpret those feelings you have, from the inside.
You may be meant to be single. Does that mean you can't enjoy male-companionship? Date and have fun? Learn new things, let people introduce you to life and share their talents and interests?
Well, that is exactly what I'm doing right now. When love puts the hook in me, it will catch me totally by surprise. I feel love all around me anyway. I spent a great weekend with my friends. I talked for hours on the phone last week with my brother, and my brother-in-law. I've already made plans for this weekend. You just have to enjoy life being single; and then somebody is going to come along and want to share your happiness. Not have to provide it.
...............................
|
