A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello there,I married my high school sweetheart. We have been together for near 15 years, married only about 5 years. We had kids "really" young. I have only ever slept with her and she has only ever slept with me 100% fact. So in technical terms we have been completely monogamous.I love her to death, I will do anything for her. She truly is my sole mate. I can not imagine life without her, to me she is the best person in the entire world.But for whatever reason I keep thinking about what it would be like to sleep with another girl. It has always been in my mind for as long as I can remember, and I usually go through cycles of heavily debating on seeing someone just 1 time to experience it and then I get over it, until a month later when the cycle hits me again and it's a struggle in my mind.My wife and I talk very openly about sex, we have talked seriously about having other partners join us, and we both basically agreed that yes we would try it some day, but we are such shy people I don't think either one of us would ever go through with it unless the opportunity just fell in our lap, basically we are just too shy to make it happen.We have also talked about letting each other have a "hall pass", but we talk about this in a joking manner, or actually pass it off as a joking manner once brought up. Sometimes I'll sneak it in a conversation, or she will sneak it in, but we both end up playing it off as just being silly.I think the issue is we both just love each other so much, and society has made it seem like being with 1 person only is the "normal" way to be (once married, as if there was some chemical switch upon marriage that made us oblivious to other humans), that now we are to shy to bring it up seriously even to each other. I don't think she will ever bring it up to me seriously and I don't think I can ever bring it up to her seriously even though I know we both think about it.If my wife found out that I cheated 1 time, and I explained it to her that it was just curiosity like we talked about, I am 100% certain she would forgive me and be ok with it. She would probably use the opportunity to bring it up that she also wants to try sleeping with someone else.On the flip side I would be totally ok to find out my wife slept with someone, I would forgive her, and probably use the opportunity the same, to experiment myself.It isn't that I am some crazy person, who is addicted to this or that, or wants to do this or that, that I don't get at home. It's just pure curiosity, the unknown, It's something that I don't know, and I want to know. Not knowing something drives my crazy, and I will do all I can to understand it. And this just happens to be one of those things.I've gone 15 years so far, but the recent years have been harder and harder to resist and I think it will only get worse. It's so bad that sometimes I google until 3am for others in my situations, or look at online dating sites, or think about going to the bar near work to find that "1 time".Honestly, I know the answer is probably to just talk to my wife seriously about it, but for any married couple you know that is easier said then done.Any advice?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 September 2012):
 Candid Cally gave a great answer.
What YOU (OP) don't seem to understand is IF you do this, there will be NO GOING back to what you have. EVEN if you two agree on it. IT WILL NEVER be the same. She might even agree, because she LOVES you and will do anything to make the marriage work and make you still love her back. But she will RESENT you afterwards. She will resent herself. Then she will start doubting you, distrusting you and soon after the respect and love she has for you will follow down the drain.
You are willing to throw out WHAT you have for a quick roll in the hay? JUST to try another woman? And when that experience SUCK and you lost what you have with your wife... what do you have left? LOADS of regrets and the beginning of a broken marriage.
"open" marriages or swinger-marriages RARELY work out long term, mostly because 1 of the people in that relationship doesn't really want it. They do it to please their partner.
And honestly, you are not MISSING out on anything besides perhaps an STD or two.
STOP thinking with your dick!
A
female
reader, lpn43 +, writes (21 September 2012):
Cheating on your wife isnt the solution. The grass isnt greener in other relationships and consider your wifes feelings. Having an affair cuz ur bored only creates more problem. Ask yourself if its worth risking everything you have created together. I suggest you talk to her about spicing up things in the bedroom maybe lingerie or role playing? Go to a bar and arrive separate have few drinks and mingle with other people then "meet" each other and ask her if she would like to leave with you, go "parking" like teenagers! Remember the old days and why you fell for her. Think about what you would do if she got ill and how you couldnt live w/o her. Its normal to get bored in the bedroom and to get caught up in daily life. Make special dates and sincerely try to make time with each other. Start kissing more and hold her hand. Do little special things to bring spark back if you start focusing on this she will respond to you and maybe take your mind off other women and the desire to have sex with them. It wont happen over. If she knew about your other desires that might spark i little jealousy and wake her up that her man needs love and attention. We are all guilty of getting comftable and lazy in r relationships but truth is you both need to make each other a priority before its too late! Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2012): You don't need any advice, you already know what you need to do:"Honestly, I know the answer is probably to just talk to my wife seriously about it, but for any married couple you know that is easier said then done."Bingo.In a sense, relationships are a mechanism for bringing up and challenging peoples' innate tendancies, because when they come up they affect the other person and there is a reaction that happens within the relationship. Long term couples learn how to "skillfully avoid" these challenges, but then they aren't being true to themselves as individuals, a part of them is being diminshed or neglected, and in time this will come up to rear its head. When an issue comes up, the couple generally find a way to deal with it and the pressure is released until the next issue comes up, like a cycle. If the couple can't deal with the issue, the relationship typically ends. All relationships are dynamic in this way. Good couples know how to navagate these cycles pretty well, but occasionally one comes up that is scarier than what they have had to deal with before. That sounds like what you are facing, you both know the elephant in the room is lurking but you don't know how to talk about it in a way that is safe and that won't risk the destruction of the relationship. The safe way you have is that you dismiss it as being silly. In my opinion, it is important to have a real conversation about these things, but be aware there can be very strong feelings, fears and insecurities around this stuff, and having a conversation about this stuff will change the relationship, and both of you as people. It can change it for the better, but its also a sensitive enough topic that it can lead to the end of the relationship in some cases. Generally it leads to positive growth either way, for you guys to talk about, thats why I encourage it. One way to go through this process in a safe way is to do it with a couples counsellor, even though you guys might not need couples therapy, your relationship might be solid and generally great, it can help to use a counsellor to overcome a topic that is very sensitive, that neither of you really know how to talk about. These are just a few ideas, but in the end you will have to pick the path that suits you best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2012): What a joke - in other words, you want to ‘complicate’ your life and those innocent others by having an affair!? It's quite amazing how successful this idea has worked out so successfully for the family and wife over the centuries? But hey, maybe you've discovered a way to escape those consequences and manage to uphold your family values and moral fibre? I DOUBT IT!
As for online dating sites etc; I’m sure there are all kinds on site to accommodate and support your line of thinking. Hence, the more you sleep with dogs or listen to those like minded, the sooner you catch flees! Here at least you have valuable sound advice; how not to selfishly impose chaos on those you truly love.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (21 September 2012):
You and your wife remind me of adam and eve in the garden of eden before eve gives in to the serpent's temptation and eat of the fruit from the Tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
You have everything anyone could possibly desire in a mate, you are happy and you are in love...and yet, you want to give in to the serpent's temptation just to know if you are missing out on something because you haven't f*cked** another woman.
**yes, f*ck...it won't be making love. it won't have meaning like what you share when you and your wife are intimate. It will be a crass act in pursuit of knowledge. Simply using a woman to satisfy your curiosity...you seem a better man than that!
Please, do NOT give in to this temptation. Your relationship and your happiness is what most people desire and never achieve. People nowadays sleep around in a vain attempt to try and find someone who could give them what you already have.
You have so much to lose and what to gain if you give in to temptation? You will feel dirty, your wife will be hurt and wonder why she wasn't good enough for you when you were more than enough for her. She will wonder why you just went ahead and did it without having a conversation first. These things cut so deeply that they damage people, their relationships, and their lives.
If you want to know what it is like to sleep with another woman, I strongly suggest that you and your wife explore ROLEPLAYING as a healthy part of your sex lives. Set some money aside, and you both buy some clothes and let her get some makeup and maybe a wig or two. Perhaps read some books about different sexual positions to try. Then, you can roleplay different scenarios where you both assume different personas. You could pick her up from a bar, or she perhaps could take the initiative...this is a fun and healthy way for both of you to act out your fantasies of being with other people safely within the bounds of your marriage.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 September 2012):
 You assume a lot. You think your wife would be okay with you cheating? I doubt it. You think she wants to sleep with someone else as well? I doubt it. Sure, you've had some laughs about it, but you never had the seriosu debate.
If you and her are serious about each other, and you were serious enough to marry one another, and you weren't too shy to have sex with her as a teenager, and you weren't too shy to propose marriage.. then surely you aren't too shy to talk to her about this either.
It's just that at the back of your mind you know she wont be happy about the idea, which is what is keeping you from having the talk with her.
The worst she can do is say no. If you cheat, the worst she can do is divorce you and take the kids and half of everything you know. Out of your two options, I think the safest one is to talk to her.
PS. You're letting something silly drive you crazy. Perhaps you imagine another woman as being something so mystical, so exotic, you think it's something you're actually missing out on. But it's not. It's just another human, it's just another body. Sure, it'll be different, but it is also different each time you hug a different person. Doesn't mean the one is better than the other. And when you're got something great, someone you love to "hug", why would you need to test out others? You're just thinking you have to because you've made this into a big deal, but the matter is actually quite small. It is pointless, utterly pointless, to screw around with several women "just to try it".
I rather recommend you do the zillion other, non self destructive things, that you haven't ever tried before in your life.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 September 2012):
 Look at these two segments of your submittal:
"I love her to death, I will do anything for her. She truly is my sole mate. I can not imagine life without her, to me she is the best person in the entire world." and,
"...basically we are just too shy to make it happen."
I say, count your blessings... and continue in your delightful, monogamous marriage and relationship,.... and spend as much time as necessary wondering: "WHAT the heck was I thinking... that I might EVER want to do something so boneheaded??????"
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 September 2012):
 "If my wife found out that I cheated 1 time, and I explained it to her that it was just curiosity like we talked about, I am 100% certain she would forgive me and be ok with it. She would probably use the opportunity to bring it up that she also wants to try sleeping with someone else."
No, she wouldn't. Joking about it is one thing. Talking about having other partners "join us" isn't the same as what you're wanting.
There's only one way you can do this, and that's either swinging, as has been discussed, or having a serious, non-joking discussion about opening the marriage. Don't even allow yourself to consider the "If I do it, she'll forgive me" justification because it's one thing to talk about it, and it's another thing to devastate and betray your wife for a 10 second orgasm with someone else.
You take a risk by having the open marriage discussion, but you take a much greater risk by cheating.
What does "We're both shy" have to do with this? You're not too shy to want to cheat. Something tells me that you're actually intrigued with the illicit nature of cheating rather than the simple act of sleeping with someone new. Don't even think about doing it. You will blow up your marriage, and in the end, it will go down as being the worst mistake of your life.
Something interesting here you failed to even think about. Your children. You will really hurt them by cheating and having your wife find out. You'll be betraying them as well by destroying the family security.
Talk to your wife about swinging or opening the relationship, and don't turn it into a joke. Let her make the decision, and if she says truthfully "I don't want the relationship to be open", then DO NOT CHEAT.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2012): You are playing with fire big time. Once you cross that line, there is no taking it back. You know the saying curiousity killed the cat? Well, yes.
You make joke about it, and maybe there is some truth to it, but actually doing it is opening a HUGE can of worms that include emotional regret, trust, jealousy, fear, insecurities, loss of intimate privacy between the two of you, etc. etc. etc.
More often than not, bringing another person into your bedroom ends up in disaster and doesn't work out the way you think it will. Cheating on your wife for curiousity sake? Come on...15 years you are willing to jeopardize for one night? And what happens if you like it and want to do it again? And again and again?
Marriage is supposed to be sacred. And you do whatever it takes to work on it. You love each other and have a family together...there is so much more you have to do together...and teach your children to have the same kind of committement, devotion, integrity, loyalty and trust in a relationship...don't become another statistic.
Stop going on the computer looking for trouble. Delete those sites and go find a hobby or something else to take up your time from all these thoughts.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (20 September 2012):
 You know, sometimes some things are better when they are just in fantasy. You say you haven't slept with anyone else, but you knew that even before you got married. Marriage has a certain sanctity which is why cheating, sleeping with others outside of it and dishonesty are deal breakers for most people.
Do you know what your problem is actually? You have everything that you could possibly want and now you are bored. You want something beyond your marriage which is why you have this fantasy. Nothing wrong with what you think, but imagine if this is how you are feeling now, what will you do 5, 10, 20 years down the line to spice up your life? Are you trying to tell me that this wont happen again apart from just the one time? Well you know what, you probably never thought that even this would happen and you would want another sexual partner other than your wife but that is happening. Now.
Don't throw away all that you have. People go throughout their lives having just one sexual partner and they are happy with that. Its all in your mind OP, if you feel that you don't need anyone other than your wife, then you don't. But if you keep telling yourself that you do, then nothing or no one can stop you. But remember, things will never be the same again, no matter how differently you think.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2012): Do not cheat, ever. It doesn't matter if you could get away with it, hurting her in that way is not something you should ever consider to be okay.
Just swing. Simple OP, you say you're shy well if you're too shy to even find a couple willing to swing with you then you're never actually going to be able to find a woman to sleep with you either and this will never get resolved.
Whatever you do it has to include your wife, you cannot go ahead and do something like cheat.
Just go onto the internet, join a swingers forum anonymously and talk to them about what it's like. Some tips on finding a good couple, tips on ensuring it's the right thing for you.
There are also swingers resorts, holiday destinations specifically for this kind of thing. You could go and even if you don't do anything you will meet similar couples who are friendly and can have a fun time with.
You could also go on a nudist holiday, again you may be shy but they can be great places for just meeting very liberal couples.
Look OP, your feelings are natural and your wife has the same curiosity so anything you do to satisfy this curiosity do it as a couple. She is your soul mate, don't do anything like this without her.
You have tonnes of safe options, tonnes of things you can do together here. Just do some research together, put some feelers out and explore the possibilities online together and your shyness about it will fade and may actually turn into excitement.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (20 September 2012):
Please read what Foot In My Mouth wrote.
You have a great thing that many would kill for, and you seem to be willing to jeopardize it for a curiosity.
Rarely does a situation like this turn out well. You would be likely throwing out everything thats good in your life for something that will be meaningless in the long run. Remember - once you do something like this - you can never "undo" it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 September 2012):
 Do NOT do it and then seek forgiveness.
IF your wife is ok with it
and you are wanting it
DISCUSS it first
GET PRE-approval
keep her in the loop
you may find however when push comes to shove she's all talk and her jealousy may take over
what will you feel if she comes to you with a man she wants to sleep with?
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (20 September 2012):
OP, you know what curiosity did to the cat! Yes its fine to imagine but most fantasies are best left as that. Sex without love and confidence in your partner is just a different way of masturbating. If you went through with this it is 99% certain you will end up regretting it. My first long term girlfriend and I were like you, but no kids, and we couldnt control the curiosity and both tried other people and then discovered what we had lost. Sharing life and love and sex with only one person is very special and you need to know that and be proud of yourselves.
BUT it doesnt mean you stop paying attention to yourselves. No relationship lasts without work. Invest in your shared happiness instead of looking for cheap thrills with f**ked up strangers please!
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (20 September 2012):
 as the saying goes " curiosity killed the cat". why take a chance and destroy what you two have. if you taint the relationship between you two, by bringing in other sex partners into the marriage bed do you think it may have negative effects later?
you may be able to go to another woman and have sex with her, and have no emotional connection with her. but how do you think you having sex with another woman may deeply play in the heart, and mind of your wife after the fact. she may say alright now, but may leave her feeling hurt, and less valued afterward .
what about your wife having another guy have sex with her? you may say alright now, but what about after the fact. will you be able to handle the fact another man had his d#ck in her? will you be able to handle another man has enjoyed pleasure with your wife? will you be able to handle that your wife was put in a situation to be with another man and may come to enjoy him? will she develop an emotional attachment to him? will the marriage feel the same afterward, will it feel tainted?
if you have something special now between you and your wife , i ask is it worth taking a chance on destroying what you two have with each other?
" i love her to death, i will do anything for her. she truly is my sole mate. i cannot imagine life without her, to me she is the best person in the entire world" i ask is she worth more than putting her out of your protection to be with someone else , and you away from her love with someone else?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 September 2012):
 What's all this business about forgiveness ? You don't need any forgiveness in your case. If you are 100% certain that your wife would be ok with an one-night stand of yours, and 100% certain that you 'd be OK with an one night stand of hers, just tell her before : " Darling, I am going to have a sexual encounter out of sheer curiosity, you know that it will not change anything in our mutual love, and of course you are welcome to follow my example ".
Easier said than done ? Then DON?T DO it. If it is easier said than done, it means that you are trying to fool yourself about your level of trust, communication and acceptance. That there IS a good chance that she'd be hurt or angry, or would reply " Do it and I'll dump your ass ". And there's a good chance that you'd react the same way if she wanted to experiment with another guy.
It also means that no, you do not speak so openly and freely as you think about your sex life, suppressed feelings and hidden fantasies , you just skim the surface and allow yourself to speak your truth ONLY if it's in a joking way - same as tons of other less " connected " and less soul-mated couples.
Btw : I love the way people blames " society " for whatever they can't or won't do. Sure, my friend, our society with its restrictions is a product of culture, not of nature- but you live in it and you make a part of it , because you need it , because you WANT it and because it is convenient for you.
Imagine if you had to go live according Nature among, say, some Amazonas tribesmen. Sure , you'd be free from the fettles of our restrictive, hypocritical Western society , and you'd probably could mate with multiple women without too many formalities. But you'd also have to eat worms, live in a hut of dried dung, and go around butt naked with a bamboo penis-case around your schlong. I don't think you'd enjoy that :)
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (20 September 2012):
 If you are 100% certain you want to go through with this then it would be far better to talk to your wife about it first, rather than going behind her back and cheating on her. At least if you both agree to it you wont be feeling guilty as you are laid in bed with another woman whilst your wife is non the wiser.
So yes, talking to your wife is the only real option you have, unless you want to break the trust in your marriage.
I dont agree with this at all though, you chose to marry her knowing you had never slept with anyone else, this was your choice so the way I see it, you have made your bed now lie in it. You make marriage vows to each other, promising to be faithful to each other, nowhere in those vows does it say "If you are feeling curious I promise to let you go off with any woman you like".
How do you know this is going to be a one time thing? What if you find that sex with this other woman is loads better than with your wife? What if you enjoy the experience so much that you want to keep doing it again and again? Or alternatively, what if it feels so wrong to be with another woman that you feel guilty forever about it, even if your wife agreed to it?
I think there is too much risk, and breaking your marriage vows simply because you are curious is not a good enough reason. I always think it is a bad idea for childhood sweethearts to get married, it normally ends up like this (give or take a few exceptions) - one (or both) people want to experience someone new, and it drives them mad for years until it happens. Then the trust is gone, even if both parties agree there is awlways doubt in the other person's mind. Your wife will think "what if she was better than me in bed", "what if he found her more attractive", "who is he thinking about when he is having sex with me" - as much as you would like to believe you are both open minded and could cope with an open marriage, it never works that way. There are always niggles and doubts that come in from the other person (i.e. your wife).
Think carefully about this, I think it is a very bad idea that will open a can of worms, but it is up to you. I would get some counselling to stop your obsessive behaviour over this idea, it is a problem if you are up at 3am looking on dating sites, the idea has manifested itself into an obsession and you cannt get over it on your own, I think you need professional help if you want to move past this idea. Alternatively, if you are going ahead with it, then tell your wife so you are at least being honest with her.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, nat1972  +, writes (20 September 2012):
 Hi,
Im not sure how to answer this, but will try, you both have been very faithful to each other why ruin that trust now. You need to be very honest with each other and think afterwards how will you both feel. I know its a once off kind of thing, but when it comes down to it, would you actually do that. I think deep down it is harder to do something like this as you are both so use to each other and the bond between you both is so pure. I also honestly think you wont like it afterwards and will feel kind of like a betrayal kind of feeling. Just be careful before pursueing this avenue. Make sure you both feel the same way and one not pursuading the other. At the end of the day it is both your choices, just consider the consequences, thats all.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (20 September 2012):
 People rarely realise the value of a good thing when they have it. It's only after it's destroyed or tarnished that they realise what they have lost. If either you or your wife go ahead and experiment, your relationship will never be the same again. This I can say with absolute certainty. If you are willing to lose what you have built together for 15 years in just one night, go right ahead.
P.S. I don't even understand what's there to be curious about. All women have the same equipment, you know!
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