A
female
age
41-50,
*mptyHeart
writes:Is this a red flag?...I just started talking to someone I met online, and things were going great until he starts asking me about what is the most wildest and crazy thing I have done sexually. I didn't want to answer that because I feel that it is not something I want to reveal so early when you are getting to know someone. It also might scare that person away. Anyway, he responded with his background on his past sexual relationships and what he did with them (don't want to get into great detail, but it was not something I would go around telling a new prospective girlfriend!!!). It basically was a turn off to me. Now, my question is this, do ALL guys do this in the beginning? Talk about sex so soon? Is this how a guy woos a girl? I never dated before my husband who I met when I was 18. He passed away 4 years ago and I have been out and about dating for a little while and it just seems that every guy I talk to has been that way. Is this acceptable on the first few texts to get to know someone?
View related questions:
met online, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): To be honest, in this day and age, it scares me to hear that upfront. I think it would scare off a lot of women. It doesn't mean that I am not sexually liberated at all, that all comes in time. When you hear the guy talk about sex, you immediately think rape/crazy person/looney/etc. that's not who I looking for. As a woman you have to be careful about those things. I def don't want to get involved with someone only for my body, I have kids and a future to think about--and I do put what I am looking for in my profile very clearly. It's about respecting the other person or they'll have a bad impression of you upfront, even if you are just a normal guy.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): Honestly, I think this is more of a personal preference. Many of people, including myself, are extremely sexually adventurous and open-minded about it. I couldn't date someone who isn't sexually liberated, and that's something that I'd like to know right away.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): He was just a troll.
Look, here's my basic rule of thumb with "online dating": If you are looking to meet someone that could potentially lead to a serious relationship...
If he reads your profile and talks about it...brownie point 1.
If after a few emails you want to talk on the phone...brownie point 2
After talking on the phone you make arrangements to meet within a week or two...brownie point 3
If you meet and hit it off and he asks you out on a first real date... mission accomplished.
It may not work out...you may find you really aren't compatible, but the real work has been done and you met someone new...nothing wrong with that.
Don't let emails drag on, no real person to person talking...no bogus I am falling for you crap over emails, asking sexual ANYTHING, etc. There are way too many people who are seriously socially awkward and lazy...they can hide behind their computer screens and be anyone they want to be...and many are comfortable paying a monthly fee just to "talk" to people on line without actually being with a real person...it's pretty creepy in my book, but there is a lot of it out there. And then there's the people who put up fake pictures or have the grammer and spelling of an elementary student...lol
If you want to meet a real guy who is actually wanting to meet a real girl, he will do so fairly quickly...
good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (21 August 2012):
 I think you can only go by your instincts, and you felt scared and turned off by his revelations and him asking you to reveal things. I don't blame you.
There are a lot of trolls online, and people looking for sex or sexting. I can't help but wonder where his "I just want to hold you" was leading to...
Unfortunately you'll never eliminate all creeps but you can make it less likely to happen again if you choose which dating site you're on wisely. Avoid the ones that take little or no effort to join (Zoosk and Plenty of Fish spring to mind) make your intentions clear in your profile, and don't give out your number until you want to meet up with the guy - for a chat beforehand and to arrange things. Texting is so prone to misinterpretation, even between people who know each other well let alone virtual strangers.
It is definitely disappointing when you think you like someone and they do something that completely puts you off. You're due some good luck! x
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (21 August 2012):
Similarly to what Honeypie said, many guys have problems w women w colorful sexual pasts, and thus like to "weed them out" before they get involved. If they question is given early, odds are thats whats happening. I have done the same before - its better knowing early and moving on instead of getting involved and then trying to move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 August 2012):
 Well, my thoughts are these.. Be honest, if a guy goes down "that" path too soon for you. Weed him out.
I don't think all guys do that but I do think he was looking for sex. His whole response was so passive-aggressive that it seems to me like he was trying to convince you that he is not thinking about sex.. You saw through him, good for you :)
Online dating, I can only image how many "trolls" you run into. Guys who sign up to get "hook-ups" and "nsa sex" .
Another advice is this. TALK to the guy. Not through texting but either on the phone or even better face to face.
In this days society of instant gratification, it's perhaps not totally strange that some people go straight for the sex. Because it's easy.
Just take your time, and expect a few "trolls" along the way. Don't give up :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (21 August 2012):
 I don't know that he wanted to use you for sex. His response was very defensive and immature, but that may be because he is as rusty at dating as you are and was humiliated by his mistake and the subsequent rejection.
Folks can become attached to those they've never actually met. Holding is affectionate but it's not the same as saying you're his soul mate. Nothing outrageous in that statement.
Chalk this up to lesson learned. Be cautious but not cynical and suspicious of everyone. Most people are as nervous as you are.
...............................
A
female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (21 August 2012):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, so I texted him and asked him straight out, what are you looking for? His response...A relationship, why? So I told him that I was taken aback and that he came on too strong talking about sex so early. That it turned me off. His response..Oh ok, thought we were just flirting. I then told him that I didn't need to know his sexual history so early on and it sounded like all he wanted was sex. His response...History? lol Hardly but whatever. Thanks for misleading me during our conversation (we spoke before that texting incident, and I did really like him until he brought it up). He said to waste someone elses time and that he wasn't looking for sex-YEA RIGHT! He even texted me before I confronted him that he just wanted to HOLD me. That is BULL, because we never even met!!!! Boy there are crazy people on the internet. But don't know any other way of meeting people. Im very shy in person. It puts me in a corner.
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (21 August 2012):
Also, discussions about sexual past are for when you are face to face and considering a relationship or already in one. Though personally I am wary about discussing those thing even then - it can lead to jealousy and resentment. Certainly not to be broached by texts before you even met face to face.
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (21 August 2012):
Well I don't think it's acceptable and I don't tolerate it. Discussions like that are the red flag that the guy isn't after a relationship, just sex. It's not nice but at least he's making his intentions clear right from the start so you have a choice about whether or not you want to get involved.
Not everyone is like this. Sounds like you've had a run of bad luck, or maybe your online profile is not reflecting what you are really looking for; it might be a good idea to review what you wrote on the profile and tweak it a bit so these chancers go and look elsewhere.
Don't reveal anything you're not comfortable revealing. A decent guy (one looking fr more than a casual fling) doesn't woo women this way. Don't be dismayed. Keep looking and good luck to you x
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (20 August 2012):
This is not unique to men. Many people do it because, frankly, they've run out of interesting things to talk about and fall back on what they think is common ground. Another reason is the time warp that internet acquaintances seem to go through. It's easier to tell people things about ourselves when we're not face to face. This opening up leads to greater intimacy in a shorter period of time.
I would still decline to answer this question. It's too great an intrusion into your life, it's a violation of the privacy of your prior partners and it could lead to big problems down the line.
The more we invest in a person, the greater the stakes and the more pain some of those revelations will cause. The guy whose asking these questions now doesn't care as much about the answer because at this point you're just an attractive possibility. Later though, he will stew and obsess about what you've told him and he'll be here asking us to help him overcome his issues with your past (regardless of how uneventful you might think your past is). Don't take my word for it. Browse the archives yourself.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (20 August 2012):
 Not all men are pigs but you need to avoid online matchups. Meeting face to face is the only way to "read" the other person.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 August 2012):
 NO, not all guys do this!! Only the guys who want sex and sex only do this, nice guys who actually want to get to know you will never try and talk about kinky things online or via text.
Dont accept this kind of behaviour, tell him that you do not know him well enough for this kind of talk and you dont appreciate him sharing his sexual preferences either. If he doesnt talk to you again well you know for certain that all he wanted was sex.
Yes there are a lot of guys who are after one thing and will try and get you to talk dirty to them, but if you keep positive and keep dating eventually you will find a nice, respectful man.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 August 2012):
 no not all guys do this.
you met him online, he's trolling for sexual pleasure.
gentlemen never change... he was never a gentleman...
good luck finding a new fella that has some manners and couth... cut this guy loose honey
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 August 2012):
 I would only comment on this phrase: "I didn't want to answer that because I feel that it is not something I want to reveal so early...."
Frankly, you need NEVER answer such a question..... YOUR PAST is none of HIS business!!! (... unless you happen to carry an STD!!!)....
Good luck... I think this guy has "tipped his hand" about his REAL agenda....
...............................
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (20 August 2012):
 It's way too soon to be talking about that!! Maybe this guy is after fun and you're after a relationship. Seems like the other guys you've met are similar to him too. I think you need to know someone really well first before sharing intimate details with them.
...............................
|
