A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I am looking for some honest advice and interested in hearing views from men as well, if possible.Basically, if a guy really genuinely likes a woman and is 'into her', during the early dating stages and she freaks him out with text overkill, being too clingy (my bad and I could kick myself now!) and pressuring him to meet up, will he still back off/run for the hills (irrespective of how much he likes her) or just back off temporarily then come round or will he not back off at all since he likes her so much and instead just see the somewhat neurotic behaviour as 'cute' or play it down??This happened with me recently and the guy did back off a bit but said he really enjoys the time with me and still wants to text and message but he seems to want the meetings between us to go with the flow a bit. His messages are affectionate ending with 'hugs/kisses xxxx'.Some of my female friends have said 'ah but if he likes you it won't matter what you do/did as you can do no wrong' whereas other friends have said 'even if he really likes you he could still be a bit freaked out' but I am genuinely not sure what to think. All I know is he and I have a good connect in that we can talk for hours and not get bored, laugh a lot, have physical attraction and a few good shared interests.I know we can't generalise but it does seem to be the case that men can panic when a woman come on too strong. I basically panicked after not hearing from him for a day! We are both a bit out of practice having been single and he has baggage of being a bit wary of commitment and I have baggage of being a bit scared of being abandoned. He is busy/under pressure at work, genuinely and I have more flexibility.I like him a lot and have never felt so connected with anyone else before, not even with the father of my children.Just to put it into context we have known each other for a few years, got together briefly (long distance) about 8 years ago and always kept in touch with flirty texts etc then got together again a couple of months ago and really hit it off but then it went pear shaped as above! I live in London and he in France. I kind of feel as though I have met the right person at the wrong time or is there no such thing as just the 'one' right person?If anyone can make even a bit of sense of the above I would be grateful. Out of practice with men and a bit confused! Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2015): Thanks for replying - appreciated. We had agreed to meet up and were both keen to do so but I pushed it a bit even though I do know he is under genuine pressure at work due to low staff and long and extra hours. He wants to take things at a sensible pace which I agreed was not unreasonable but then I pushed it. As we are both mature I guess he was being the sensible one! I just assumed that if he really likes me as he says that he would do anything and want to be in constant contact but I do know of relationships which have been more of a slow burn and equally I know of others which have been all systems go from the start and married within a year. He has kept in touch and sent a happy easter message with a kiss so he hasn't just blown me right out and written me off as a bunny boiler it seems. My previous partner abandoned me when I got ill so I think I'm scared of other people doing the same possibly.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 April 2015):
 Well, if you say it all ended up " pear shaped " after your texting overdose,.. I guess your guy did not find it
" cute ", wouldn't you say ?
Anyway, we are generalizing here, of course there's no one -size-fits - all in these things. Nevertheless I think your friends are wrong, in your age range clinginess, blatant neediness and text overload aren't seen as cute, they are a big turn off and a cold shower over most people's ardours.
This guy , though, must have liked you and weighted accurately pros and cons, because , instead that simply writing you off as a nuisance and potential bunny-boiler, he has " forgiven " you for your excessive anxiety and has made a come back. Only, very understandably, now he has decided to pull the brakes and to keep you somewhat at arm's length . He is setting the pace and placing boundaries so that you won't be tempted to go text-nuts as you did before.
Another thing you have to consider , though, is that, although the pros/ cons scales must have tilted in your favour, they probably haven't tilted so enthusiastically and firmly as you hope. You talk about " pushing " him to meet. And, if you ever have to " push "... it means there's some resistence. You never have to push to make people do what they 'd love to do . You do not have to push to convince a gourmet to eat out in a fancy restaurant, and you don't push to make a fitness enthusiast go to the gym. If you have to go for the hard sale, ...it means that the perspective client is somewhat lukewarm to begin with.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (7 April 2015):
 To me, if someone is clingy and needy right off the bat, I end it. Not because I panic and run for the hills, but because the instant they start to display those clingy, insecure emotions, is the instant my feelings for them change drastically. I can find a woman sexy as hell (I'm a woman who dates women), and be super attracted to her, but the moment she starts to display being clingy and needy, is the moment that all of her attraction and sexiness is GONE. I don't know what it is, it's just a deal-breaker for me. So I believe that your friends who say otherwise are wrong. Clinginess is just flat out unattractive. I do hope you can find a way to regain your confidence. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 April 2015):
 I agree, that there isn't ONE perfect partner out there for each of us, life just doesn't work that way.
If you FEEL like you ARE texting to much or if HE feels you are, then cut down a notch. YOU are in MY age group so you SHOULD remember how it was like BEFORE cellphones.
I DO NOT use texting as a means of chatting. I use it for notifications, nothing else. Like "going to be late" or "pick up kid X at door #2 @ 3:45" I don't use it to TRY and carry on my friendships OR relationships.
I call my friends and we TALK (sometimes for hours) and we DO at times shot each other pictures over the phone (while talking or not) but in general? I CHOOSE to interact by a phonecall or in person. Now you two are hours away so why not see if you can set up some Skype "dates" instead? For when you can't met up?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 April 2015):
"If he really likes you, you can do no wrong"- your friends are very wrong. This is the entire purpose of dating- to find out if you are into each other, compatible, etc.
You don't have to be perfect, but everything he doesn't like about you goes against you, until at some point he either decides you aren't suited for each other or that you're girlfriend material.
If you are deemed to be someone he'd like to have a relationship with, you STILL can't screw up and expect total forgiveness... This is why people get dumped.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (6 April 2015):
 Considering the billions of people on the planet it doesn't make sense to think you're only compatible with ONE other person. And it would be contrary to nature for everyone to pass up suitable mating opportunities because they're holding out for that perfect ONE. So I don't subscribe to that belief.Broad generalizations are fine as long as they're used as a loose guide and not to pigeon hole others. And while there are obvious differences between men and women, we are more similar than dissimilar. The problem I see with the men from Mars/women from Venus thing is it perpetuates the MYTH that women are frivolous creatures, driven purely by emotion and in need of constant attention, external validation and an insatiable desire to nurture others, when in reality they have the same need for personal space and autonomy as men. You don't need to decode the complex 'male mind' here. You simply have to treat others as you would want to be treated.There are no absolutes. The man might cut and run. He might stick around but keep you at arms length until he's confident you'll respect boundaries. Or this could be the beginning of the end and you'll start hearing from him less and less. No one can really say, but anything is possible. Difficult to speculate more than that when I don't know exactly how it ended, other than 'pear shaped'. Think of the used car salesman stereotype. The whole point of coming on strong and sticking to the buyer like fly paper is to seal the deal before the buyer has a chance to really size up the offer. If they thought they had something in demand, something people REALLY wanted, they'd sit back and let the buyer come to them. Your desperation shows you have no other takers, which begs the question...what do other men know about you that he doesn't? So....you might want to tone that down.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2015): A very basic and lasting rule is...let them contact you! They actually love to chase you! If you're doing their role, I think it can be off putting for them. Give him space and time to miss you. You said that he is busy and under pressure from work. So give him some breathing time! It can seem like you're desperate and that is a turn off ...the more elusive I've been the better the men in my life have liked it and the more they wanted me. Human nature, we want what we don't or can't have and take what's constantly being given to us on a silver platter for granted. Just an example: I've had three marriage proposals very quickly after getting together with someone, (one asked me to marry him without even asking me out first and we did marry three years later!)because I made them wait so long. They feel like they've 'won' you and therefore treasure you much more so than if you're texting constantly and stressing them out! The next contact has to come from him, let him wonder where you are and what you're doing? Be enigmatic!
There cannot be just one right person for you! The chances that anyone would meet up with the 'one' if there was only 'one' on the planet would be miniscule wouldn't it? The human race would have died out years ago! How come we can usually meet more than one person in our lives and in our area?
Anyway, good luck with it. It sounds like you have a good chance of him getting in touch again, but go to ground and put your texting fingers away!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 April 2015):
 I get it.
It took me a long time to learn this one thing.
Women need to be with a guy to feel love
Men need to be apart from a woman to feel love
It makes no sense to us but I saw how this worked when I was having an NSA/FWB with my now husband (which rarely works out in the end) but in our case we were LDR and I was not at all trying to get him to be anything other than play time.
I let him contact me in the beginning a lot. I waited for him to call or email (he was not a big texter but he's getting better after 2.5 years of marriage) There was a period of time I went TEN DAYS and did NOT hear from him at all... I just waited him out.... because I really did NOT care if he called or not.
It's not fair but it's human nature.. men in general like to chase. Women need to let them chase.
It's like going shopping and having a GREAT day and you get lots of bargains. You feel like you accomplished something. My GF and I say "it was a good hunt" but we joke that buying things that are chained is not fair... they were already caught....
What do they say "A man chases a woman until she catches him"
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (6 April 2015):
 You see, some men are only interested in "early dating stages" that go nowhere. When you first date it's best to ask what his intentions are. That's especially true if you live in different cities. If he doesn't say anything near long term, then you can't assume he's up for regular contact. You can be into anyone, have feelings for whomever, but first both parties need to be in agreement with what they are looking for. Are you attracted to unavailable types? I struggle to see how someone can feel connected to sporadic contact. I mean physical contact, not just talking on the phone. Maybe you crave the dates that are intense and unpredictable, but your heart wants something more sustaining. There's no such thing as right person at the wrong time. You have control over dating situations more than you think.
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