A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 23 next month and my boyfriend is 22 next month, been together for two years this September.Issues - has only met my friends once, doesn't really show an interest in them but says they can come out camping....shows an interest in 4wding, camping with me and his friends most weekends and doing up cars...Wants to buy a house with me, but says he wants one child? (we are both only children) I want two children.. He does have a stable job but I've only ever dated older men... (boyfriend says being with him isn't a waste of time, but im starting to feel it is)then there's this guy I used to see back three - 4 years ago...28, works away, owns a house and rents out his unit, has kids but isn't on the birth certificate...but wants kids and marriage with me, so he claims, through messages (we haven't met up)Please help me make a decision...I don't want to waste my time with someone that can't give me what i want but dont want to waste my time with someone one else the same either...
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (7 April 2016):
 Sounds like neither of these guys are for you, you're wanting out of your current relationship because he doesn't want as many children as you with someone else who you've obviously been speaking to in a more than platonic way for you to have been discussing marriage. Not to mention this guy clearly doesn't care about the children he already has as he doesn't want to claim ownership.
I think you need to step back and think what you want and do a bit of growing up and stop messaging this other guy behind your boyfriends back.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2016): My husband at 22 wouldn't have jumped around at the idea of children! There is no rush, now we are both 26 and I've spoken about trying next year and he's up for that idea. We are in more stable jobs, have owned our home for 4 years and now married. Enjoy being young and having no commitment - your current bf wants a child at least whereas this other guy has clearly said all that he's said to you to other women previously - which has resulted in him fathering children and not even being on their birth certificate. There was a reason 3 -4 years ago you didn't stay with the other guy and do the decent thing and stop contacting a man behind your boyfriends back. If your boyfriend isn't right for you then simply end it, or you enjoy life with him and see where it takes you. You have so much time to plan kids, it's not like he's just told you he NEVER wants children because he's open to it. He's just not mature enough yet for being a parent (evident in how he wants '1 child' when actually none of that can be planned - you get what you get which could be 1, twins, triplets!).Just pause and ask yourself how you would feel if your bf now found out you were messaging another man and left you. How would that make you feel? If he's worth fighting for then you stop messaging people and stick with him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 April 2016):
 You can't always PLAN on only having 1 child. Thing happens, twins happen etc.
And I agree you are a TAD young to make this "problem" such a big deal just yet. What IS the hurry?
As for the older guy... yes I'd leave that one alone. If he has SEVERAL kids but isn't on the birth certificate it means he WASN'T there for the mom. It's not hard to knock a girl up... all it takes is some unprotected sex.
And seriously... even IF he is paying child support of some sort - that goes till the kid is 18 and that means IF you have a kid with him a GOOD part of his paycheck goes to maintain other kids. And you are contemplating saddling yourself with a guy like that?
And your current BF? He is 22 and SO not ready for the whole marriage, white picket fence, 1.3 kids. It's pretty obvious when reading your description of him. HE is just not mature enough, nor is he ready. HIS life revolves around one thing... HIMSELF and what He enjoys. You are like an "added bonus".
Hold your horses.
No "plan for the future" is 100% fool proof. Things happen. THAT is a fact of life.
Save the having kids for when you find a guy who is a TOTAL package, not either of these two are both... immature and not ready.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 April 2016):
 Was that your followup OP?
You are 22 years old. If you are panicking about having children and getting married then you may well wind up making poor choices.
Ask your current partner your questions. You’ve been together long enough to know if it’s going to work through children and the stresses they will bring. You do seem to be putting words in his mouth.
Are 2 children a deal-breaker for current boyfriend? If so, why is that? ASK HIM.
You have time, you don’t have 40 years but you do have plenty of time to meet and match with a man who wants the same things you do. More than 3 or 4 or even 8 years.
If things don’t work with current partner, ask friends and family and people who care about you to help you find a good man who will be a good match.
And by the way, talking marriage and children with a man who is not your partner is cheating. So stop doing that.
Decide if the man you are with is the right choice. If he is not, then end it. Prepping the next guy before you’ve broken up is well, dishonorable and undignified. Not to mention a betrayal of the current partner.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 April 2016):
 You want this 28 year old so he can skip out on you after he knocks you up and not be on the birth certificate?
I think that's a major red flag. How reckless and irresponsible can you be if you don't even take responsibility for your own children, or at least own up to being their father?
That's a definite no to mr. 28 years old.
Mr. 22 years old doesn't sound like he's for you either.
I suggest you break of things with both men and date someone else entirely.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2016): What would you do if your partner said "i don't know" when asking him what age he wants kids..? I haven't asked him yet but i have a feeling thats the response in going to get...but then again. This is all going to my head, I was once engaged at 19 to my ex...I guess i just dont want to get to 25, 27 and be not married or childless.
As for the 28 year old...he had his children young..but he's older now and knows what he wants. I guess i need to start appreciating the man I have now, even though I may never get married or have a child/children.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 April 2016):
How about... neither?
Break up with boyfriend as you don’t sound like it’s really working for you.
Older guy with dodgy history might be a possibility but to me it’s VERY odd that he wants kids and marriage with you despite not having seen you in YEARS. That’s seriously weird and I would take that as a red flag.
Go to single status and start meeting men who could be compatible.
From what you’ve written, neither of the two guys you cite are a good match for you.
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A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (4 April 2016):
Really? Have you read back what you have written here? Is there more that is important that you've missed out? I ask this because what I read is basically, you are in a relationship that you are unhappy with, been texting an old flame and have had a conversation along the lines of I want more than one kid and we aren't getting along, with him relaying hes your man! You haven't even met up! Are you for real? In my opinion, you shouldnt be with either of them. End the relationship with your current guy, you clearly aren't happy and ate contemplating lining up someone else, and stop considering jumping straight into a relationship with a guy you haven't seen years with some nonsense idea of marrying and a family. Date him after you've finished with your current guy if you want to.
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A
female
reader, SeaGreen  +, writes (4 April 2016):
 Whoa hold on here!!
You are considering dumping your boyfriend for someone you use to date (What happened that resulted in the break-up?) who not only has kids with other women but on top of that isn't even on their certificate??!! Is he even IN his kids lives? Sounds like a real winner...
Regardless you don't sound to happy with your boyfriend so I would let him go. It's not fair to him you are thinking of being with another man. Does he even know your chatting with this guy??
If you do decide to go with the other guy don't be surprised if you end up being a single Mom...and him not being on YOUR kids certificates!
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (4 April 2016):
The question is...what do you want?? don't forget you have to live with whatever decision you make.
I if I were in your place, I would choose the the older man, or none. Here is why...
- Boyfriend now seems very one sided. His friends, his hobbies, his choice, and his rules.
- Older guys seems to know what he wants, settled, and seems to have a plan.
If the older guy is just as controlling...choose none.
Better to start off fresh with no pressure, than to make the wrong decision because of pressure.
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