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Should work always come first for my boyfriend, even in case of a minor medical emergency like mine?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 April 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 20 April 2017)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend of one year works from home. We live together. He's the project manager of a small but successful company. He works at least 10 hours a day.

I had severe stomach pains yesterday which came back this morning, so my boyfriend took me to the ER. Turns it's a painful but common and harmless condition. I will need bedrest and was prescribed narcotics. I have been in pain all day today but should hopefully be fine in a few days.

The entire time in the ER I was tearing up from pain. My boyfriend touched my hand now and then but was otherwise on his laptop the entire time. I didn't feel like he was there for me.

Afterward, we got lunch to-go and after lunch, he continued to work at home while I slept which was fine. I woke up around 6:45pm and texted him where he is at. He said he just started an online game and will be done in 10 mins. I was upset and replied "seriously??" and he came in right away to see me. Then at 7pm he went back outside to his computer for a meeting.

I know there's not much he can do for me since I can only heal within time but I feel he's not there for me emotionally. His mind has been wrapped up with work the entire day and it shows in his face and slow response. He is impatient with me.

He frequently works evenings and in a way, holds the company together. Unfortunately his colleagues cannot function without his direction. I have tried my best to be very supportive but today is the one day I really needed him and he let me down.

Should I tell my boyfriend how I feel? I admit to being emotional with all that's happened. Does anyone think I'm overreacting? We plan to get married soon... Should work always come first?

View related questions: online game, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (20 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntNo work should not always come first and it didn't he took you to A&e and made sure you where okay. Then you woke wondered where he was and he said he would be down in ten minutes and you wrote back seriously? You sound like you are very needy. Not everyone deals with people being unwell and they are not sure how to deal with it. I could see you being annoyed if you asked him to do something for you and he wouldn't because off work but that does not seem like the case here. Sure talk to him but try and look at things from his point off view, maybe tell him what it is you do expect from him when you are in pain because he probably doesn't know.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (18 April 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntWork shouldn't always come first but in this case you're overreacting. He took you to the ER and your grouse is that he didn't display affection and concern for you the way you wanted him to. Some people are just not very demonstrative and maybe this guy is one of those. That doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.

You then got back home and slept and when you woke up, you were upset that he was playing a game. What did you expect him to do OP? Sit and stare at you, waiting for you to wake up? He knew you were fine, you knew you were fine, you've said so yourself. So what if he was playing a game? Doesn't be get to spend his spare time the way he wants to? And he did leave it immediately to be with you so why are you still pissed?

OP this guy isn't your husband, he's your boyfriend who you've known for just a year. You're expecting way too much from him and I don't blame him for getting impatient with you. You are fine except for a minor ailment which will heal on its own but you're behaving like you want to be waited on hand and foot and like it's his fault that you're unwell. He is not responsible for you and neither are you a child who's incapable of taking care of herself, not are you incapacitated. He did whatever was expected of him... He just didn't fawn over you, which is what you wanted him to do.

He's doing his job conscientiously and that seems to irk you because he's not with you the way you want him to. Maybe he does take things too far sometimes but in this case, I don't think he's done anything wrong.

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A female reader, MissKin United Kingdom + , writes (18 April 2017):

MissKin agony auntI think you're slightly overreacting in this instance. He shouldn't be at your beck ams call just because you woke up and he wasn't there - that sounds a bit petty and childish. If work came "first" he would not have even taken you to A&E. So please acknowledge that at least he reacted in such a way that showed he actually cares.

That being said.. Admittedly the situation doesn't sound great and I can understand your upset. Speak to him and talk about work life balance. You shouldn't always be on the sidelines while he is working. You're supposed to be living life together and that can't happen if he never leaves work mentally. Maybe start by suggesting two evenings a week or one evening and the whole of Saturday as "no work time"? You deserve his full attention more often than you are getting it, I just don't think your given example is a reasonable thing to be so upset about.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2017):

I couldn't cope with work coming first ...the world wont end if he doesn't answer his phone or postpone a meeting , you deserve to be first ...talk to him let him kno how you felt he carnt fix it he doesn't know what he did wrong ...and dont waste your yrs on him if he wont change ...could you live happily with a life of always being second best

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (18 April 2017):

N91 agony auntIf he has upset you, tell him. How else could he know how you're feeling unless you tell him?

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (18 April 2017):

chigirl agony auntNo, work should never come first. If you ask me.

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