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I thought my fiance didn't love his ex wife but his old Facebook post seemed to imply otherwise

Tagged as: Big Questions, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 April 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 24 April 2017)
A female Canada age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I am so disappointed please tell me if I'm over reacting. I found an old post from 6 years ago on my Fiancé face book on his marriage anniversary stating how lucky he was to have her and he hit a jackpot and hope this happiness never ends! I know not just based on what he has told me but from others that not only he didn't love her this marriage was a mistake and he wanted it to end it few times and finally she left a year after that fb post. I feel just sick, I don't care about the post but I'm just amazed that if you don't love someone how could you bring yourself to post such a thing. I personally would never do that. Now I'm questioning his feelings towards me! He could lie to me as well but what's the need for that? Should I be concerned? Thank you!

View related questions: anniversary, facebook, fiance, his ex

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (24 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntSocial media is great for pretending that everything is okay when it is not. Glad you have both sorted it out.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2017):

Op- Thanks everybody! I asked him and he said obviously he loved her at the beginning but they got married so young and over the time they grew apart and became completely different people to the point that he was questioning himself how and why I married her. So even though he didn't love her anymore he still tried to save the marriage for his kids and it was a time that things were so rocky between them and he posted this. He admitted that he tried to fake it and show to others an image of a perfect marriage by posting family pictures and lovely posts while everything was falling apart from inside.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (20 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntThey may not have had the most perfect marriage, but they got married, so is it a case that he marries women he does not love? Because to me that is a huge commitment. If he is engaged to you why would he propose to marry again? Does he not see it as a huge commitment? Am sorry but I don't buy that he did not love her. But still that should not matter it is in the past and it should be left there, he is with you now.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (20 April 2017):

Ivyblue agony auntIf she left a year later, then I think perhaps they were already in troubled waters. Maybe it was written in an attempt to try keep things together. People do and say weird things when they are faced with relationship breakdown, even when their feelings may not be all that strong. I wouldn't think nothing of it.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (18 April 2017):

YouWish agony auntI have a couple of points to make to you, one directly answering your question, and the other one I need to make to you, or else something similar to this WILL come up again.

First point - you ask us how he can make posts like this while at the same time claiming that he didn't love her?? I'm guessing that it's the same reason that children in pictures can smile and look normal, while at the same time they're enduring extreme physical, verbal, and emotional abuse at home. It's the same reason why you hear the story about criminals being "such nice people". It's the face he was presenting to the public, and most likely, at 6 years ago, he WAS trying to work towards an ideal. Obviously you're looking at the wrong thing here. The real question is - where is he NOW?? This isn't 6 years ago, which brings me to my second point.

Second point - WHY are you digging through years of his Facebook posts back to the time before he met you looking for ways to sabotage your own relationship with him??? Your memory has gotten hazy, but I'm dead sure that at YOUR age, you've said some lovey-dovey things to other people in the past that you now regret. Everyone's got a story about the mistake they made getting together with a partner, and everything they remember is tainted by the ending of that relationship. However, look through a diary or a Facebook post or message board from years ago, and PAST you is saying a whole bunch of cringy, oogy, lovey stuff about this person you NOW remember to be a slime, creep, cheater, abusive, etc. People evolve, change, and they don't look at relationships from the same standpoint that they did while IN that relationship.

You are going to destroy your current relationship with your trust issues. STOP digging all over his past posts for reasons to justify your own insecurity, or you'll wreck everything. You weren't looking for possible current cheating! You are retroactively jealous of his past, and that stuff will kill relationships, and it's all about YOU, not him. You need to work on YOURSELF, because putting this burden on him will break the relationship, plus it is not fair. He cannot change his past. You, likewise, have a past as well! Neither of you can go back and unscramble the egg that he once was married, that there was a point where he did love her, but that changed and he stopped loving her. Now his feelings of NOT-love have re-painted his memory of the past, just as it does for everyone who remembers a past love affair or marriage that ended badly. DO NOT bring up the past like that.

STOP sabotaging the relationship. He has done nothing wrong and told no lies. You are acting creepy by digging like that, and to a jealous person, the truth can be twisted into a lie, which is what is happening in your case. STOP. This was 6 years ago and has nothing to do with you. He never lied to you. The truth is found in the fact that he's not with her anymore. END OF STORY.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (18 April 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntI agree with every single thing that Chigirl had said and I couldn't add anything more to it.

That is, in reality, the truth of Facebook posts. Don't read too much into them.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2017):

I agree with no91 ofcourse he had feelings for her . No one stays for that length of time with none . Or gets married and I agree with the statement that fb projects the best and sometimes lies of people's lives as well .

What does it matter . He was saving face with telling you he didn't as she left him . Watch his actions with you . Not just his words !!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (18 April 2017):

N91 agony auntI think at some point for then to get to the stage of marriage he must of felt some strong feelings to her even if he denies it.

Unless the marriage was for some purpose such as allowing someone to stay in a country they shouldnt be in, then I'm pretty sure that he did want to marry her at that time.

How often do people go through the ceremony and trouble of marriage if they REALLY don't want to? Think of the cost and the legal proceedings.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (18 April 2017):

chigirl agony auntHonestly? I think people exaggerate a lot on Facebook. People arent real on there, they only post happy smiling photos and all posts are all rainbows and sunshine. I would not take Facebook photos as proof of anything. In fact, I think the opposite of what people post is more often the truth.

Maybe he posted that on her request. Or because of a special occasion. Because it was expected of him. Or maybe he tried to save the marriage.

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