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Should the other woman tell his wife about the affair?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 November 2017) 16 Answers - (Newest, 7 December 2017)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Should the other woman tell his wife about the affair?

I know many would use harsh and negative remarks on such question. I did no Contact and he reached out and I caved in. I am thinking of telling his wife so that I can move on for good forever; as I am sure that once I do that he will hate me for sure. I suspect that the wife know of my existence as she appeared to be on my suggested friends in Facebook.

I have been with him for a year over. And he tried hiding some stuff from me. I did not expect that I will fall in love with him. I grew up in a complete family and have loving parents. The pain is too much to bear now. Hence should I tell the wife? Please spare those unnecessary comments.

View related questions: affair, facebook, move on, my ex

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A female reader, deirdre Ireland +, writes (7 December 2017):

If you slept with him knowing he was married, then you have no business in telling his wife.

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A female reader, cityvillaa United States +, writes (30 November 2017):

I think you are being selfish and you will actually bring more pain to the situation. Not only has he hurt you but his wife too. If you hurt his wife with that type of news she can possibly hurt you emotionally and some cases physically. Like I said this will cause more drama and pain on you. Let that be his burden that he has to carry it's not yours.

Let him go and let her go too. Her being his wife. You already thought about yourself when you started the affair and I think you have to grow out of this situation.

1. Change anything in your life that will help prevent him from getting in contact with you and you to him. (you don't owe him any explanations)

2. Surround yourself with friends and family to remind yourself the love you should have and it's not going to come from another person's spouse.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2017):

OP, you are not the one hurting his wife. HE IS. The second he decided to have an ongoing affair with you.

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa +, writes (30 November 2017):

Dionee' agony auntMy dear, your reasons for wanting to tell his wife are very selfish so I would say that it really isn´t your place to say anything.

If you want to end this affair then do so off your own strength and without hurting someone that you do not know or care for just because you are in a position where you can.

If I were you I would block this guy and send him on his merry way but leave his wife out of it.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (29 November 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOP, they aren't unnecessary comments because you're still being selfish.

Your pain is nothing compared to the pain you helped cause his wife.

Telling her won't help you move on; you have to CHOOSE to move on. Why on earth didn't you block him?

Look, if you have proof, screenshot, hide your name and number, then mail it to her. Don't warn him, though. Yes, it'll hurt her, but she deserves to know. HOWEVER, she does not deserve the mistress breaking her heart for her own selfish gain.

Screenshot. Print Out. Block him on EVERYTHING. Then mail the evidence ANONYMOUSLY.

You deserve no gain from her knowing. You hope telling her will cause her to stop him talking to you, so you can take the weak route and not do it yourself. Woman up, OP. You were 50/50 in this mess and need to take responsibility for it.

Either send the evidence anonymously (by post) AFTER you've cut all contact and blocked him, or don't send her any evidence and still block him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2017):

Your pain is too much to bear? It is of your own making. What do you feel you would gain by telling her apart from causing her the same pain you say you can't bear.

It's time for you to take control. Leave him. No contact. If he reaches out ignore him. Time to be a caring adult instead of a whiny child.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2017):

Often times after a long term affair ends, the other woman is left without closure, perhaps because they are in the process of moving forward on their own, while the other two are comforting each other. I think, though this seems irrelevant, it plays a part in how you come to terms with regrets and guilt you'll likely deal with.

I'm going to assume that because he's obviously not following through with whatever promises he's making her, that the no contact is in large something you've been attempting in enforce, especially since you're angry that a married man cheating on his wife hid some things from you. That goes to show you've feelings and hopes that he isn't fulfilling. Which, in turn goes to show that you're probably a caring person in other aspects of your life. A lot of people won't see it that way, and assume affair partners all have daddy issues and a complete lack of respect for marriages. I see it as a possible tendency to follow your heart and end up in bad places.

Assuming that your intentions by telling her are out of concern, I would encourage you to instead find ways to understand the pain you've caused her, such as joining an affair support group on social media and quietly listening in, as you'll be able to continue caring moreso about her feelings than his, helping you to move forward and not give in to him again. As well as understand what you can do to no longer hurt her, learning methods directly from betrayed women even if not her specifically.

As badly as you would like to tell her, the best thing you can do is to completely step out of the picture you were never meant to be in. She wanted to give him another chance for whatever reason, and if he's going to cheat again, let it be on his conscience, no longer on yours. She's obviously fighting to save her marriage and the biggest favor you can give her is to step out of the picture.

Wives who hold on to marriages like that tend to be women who do not believe in divorce, hence they built their lives together so much they almost can't split up because she really thought it would be forever. In such cases, it makes a difference for them to know the causes of their husbands affair. With you out of the picture long enough for him to withdraw from the affair, he can began to work on himself, that or he'll cheat with someone else and still stay married until she decides she's done, in which case we all learn he's just a serial player either way you're doing her the biggest favor by staying completely out of the picture.

Telling her opens up a door for communication that isn't going to be friendly. You're part of her life falling apart and she isn't going to think of your intentions as honest. If she wanted to talk to you, she would.

I also want to add that if your heart is truly concerned with the wife, that your heart has had a sudden change, that at some point you're going to feel a strong urge to work on yourself and come to terms with your role in this person's life. You're not going to want to be that person anymore. You've mentioned that you come from a good family, but having parents or siblings that are married are not always the ones we relate most to when it comes to adult relationships. The wife in the situation likely has a network of married friends and sees marriage as the only correct lifestyle, while affair partners tend to be serial single, though content as such, though carrying around a lot of single friends and just all around a lifestyle that enables them to cycle into an affair. You're not likely to vent to your very married friends about this because their perception on marriage is very different. You'd realize you're selling yourself very short if you gathered such perception.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2017):

I agree with Fatherly Advice. Not your job to tell her. Take screenshots of all the messages he has sent, print them out and mail the packet to her father. Let him sort the cheater out. Best hide your identity though as it could well end up with you being painted as the temptress and he the sad duped sap.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 November 2017):

Well I guess it all comes down to what you plan to gain by hurting his wife.

Your reasons for telling his wife is spiteful and very vindictive. It's also risky. She could be a very scornful person; hellbent on revenge, and she might make your life a lot more miserable than he does. Best to leave her out of it. You could be opening a Pandora's Box!

In most cases the wife is just some poor stressed-out woman trying to keep her marriage and family together. They usually know he's cheating; but their dilemma is deciding what to do. Wondering who she is? Wondering what's wrong with her, to make him seek another woman outside his marriage? Her self-esteem is already trashed.

I guess you'd have to put yourself in her shoes, and wonder how you would react if some strange woman calls you to tell you she is screwing your husband. I don't see where that makes the mistress any better than the cheating-husband.

If you have any compassion or human decency; you'd leave his wife alone. You could have, or should have, told her at the very beginning. Now it's not working-out for you. So set land-mines on your way out.

Waiting to be concerned about his wife and growing an artificial-conscience long after the fact is just being nasty. You're done, so now go smear it all in her face???

I just don't see what good that accomplishes. I really don't see why you'd rub her nose in it?

My question is, what would she be justified in doing to you for screwing her husband?

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (28 November 2017):

Fatherly Advice agony auntI'm going to look at this situation from a different angle. There is a school of thought out there that says that the spouse of a cheater should never be told about the affair because they are innocent, and it will hurt them. I don't follow that theory. I subscribe to a different line of thought that goes like this. When a person is married to a cheater, they have a right to all of the information about the affair so they can make a decision based on all of the facts. I see from your post that you decided to leave your relationship because he was hiding things from you. She deserves to make the same kind of decision. I believe that she has a right to know.

I also believe that the only way to stop an affair is to expose it. Not just to the betrayed spouse but to all interested parties, especially extended family. The bright sunlight of exposure is the only cure for the festering rot of an affair.

You will note that I say that the betrayed spouse should be told, and that the affair should be exposed. I did not say that YOU should do the telling. It would probably better for her to get the information from others.

Also there are much better ways to end an affair.

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A male reader, Garbo United States +, writes (28 November 2017):

Garbo agony auntYou said you caved in, so why don't you figure out what made you cave in so that the second time you go no contact you don't cave in. Perhaps he knows that you would cave in so he contacted you. Plus, even if you tell his wife, he maybe able to smooth those things over with her and still call you later, and you cave in again!

So basically, work on yourself. Cut ties and do not cave in.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2017):

There is no right or wrong.

Only personal choice.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (28 November 2017):

N91 agony auntLeave the wife alone.

You and her husband are the ones at fault here and you're contemplating hurting an innocent woman because you're too selfish to hit the block button?

Get over yourself. It's easy to ignore someone, do that instead of ruining someone else's life.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada +, writes (28 November 2017):

BrownWolf agony auntWOW!!!

Cheating and heartless.

Did you tell his wife before you started sleeping with her husband? But you are willing to do it now because thinks are not going your way.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 November 2017):

Honeypie agony auntSo you want to use the wife for your own benefit? You want her to hurt so YOU can move on?

Sounds real nice of you! (and yes, that was sarcasm)

Should you tell the wife? You have absolutely ZERO moral or other high ground to be thinking that you somehow have any right to meddle in HER marriage. You aren't wanting to do this out of DECENCY or because you know the affair is wrong and not fair to her - no, you want to tell her out of your own SELFISH reasons.

What has SHE done to you?

What do you REALLY want?

For her to divorce him and you and he ride off into the sunset? Is that what you think will happen?

LOOK at your own actions, take some time and THINK about what you really want in life? Do you want to be some married dude's dirty secret? Do you want to be with a guy who DOESN'T want you as a partner but as entertainment? A fantasy where he can "escape" reality a little here and there?

Do you think being part of an affair - like being a mistress like you... is that OK in your book? Is cheating fine? Would you be OK with a partner doing this to you?

Are you REALLY surprised that he is hiding stuff from you? Seriously? What do you think he is doing to his wife? LYING? CHEATING? HIDING stuff? Of course, he is! He is not being more "honest" with you than he is with her. He is lying to both of you. Because in the end, ALL he cares about is HIMSELF.

Wake up.

This isn't some hot romance or unbridles passion we are talking about. This is just a sleazy married man having an affair with a younger woman because he likes to feel like a "man".

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (28 November 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntDo you think ANYONE with an ounce of human decency is going to say "Yes, go on, tell the poor long-suffering wife. After all, it is HER fault that you chose to hook up with a married man." I mean, really?

Why should the wife suffer pain just because you and her feckless husband chose to have an affair? She did not ask you to do it. She did not give you permission. Why are you wanting to take your hurt feelings out on her? Why make her suffer just because you have no will power where this man is concerned? Learn to say no to him and MEAN IT - if indeed you DO want to get rid of him.

Many people come up on Facebook as potential friends. It just means you have friends in common (or even, sometimes, you have "liked" similar sites). It does not mean she has stalked you.

I understand you are hurt but I think you will recover from your hurt a lot quicker and more completely if you hold your head high and walk away with pride. Hurting someone else to make yourself feel better is nothing to be proud of.

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