A
female
age
36-40,
*ichellehere
writes:Do you think there’s any hope of a relationship going back to normal after swinging? My husband and I have tried it - yes we had a lot of fun - but the lifestyle isn’t for me. When I tell him I want to stop we fight because he doesn’t want to stop. We have two small children and I desperately don’t want to tear apart our family over this. But I can picture in my mind how we could ever be normal again. I have three options: 1. Stay and just do it to make everyone happy and not destroy our family. 2. Stay and tell him I’m out and see what happens. 3. Leave. I just want to be normal. Why settle me down, marry me, have two children with me only to throw me for this loop now?Thoughts are appreciated!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2017): I was in the same exact situation myself many years ago. we tried it and it was "fun" at first then over time I, too, was like I am just not into it.
I explained to my husband that its not something I want to pursue anymore. At first he was said he was OK with it but over time he built up resentment that lead to anger and then frustration. He would bring up past events of nights we shared with other couples and in the "hope" it would spark another chance at doing it again.
After one night of"serious talking" I agreed to go back to the couples club we had visited before.
When we got there it was the same people, same place but didn't feel as "exciting" or as fun. It felt like I had walked back into a bar and the same people at the same bar stools never left. I felt almost sad for these folks.
I brought this up to him during our visit and he said he noticed the same thing.
Nothing happened that evening but the drive home he said something that may have gotten him to think a little further on the subject of being a swinger. He said I dunno why but it didnt seem as fun as before. I agreed with him.
After that he didnt bring up the swinging for awhile then out of the blue months later one of the couples we had been with texted me and said my husband has been contacting her and she wanted to know if I was aware of this and if I felt it was out of place.
I confronted him and he at first didn't admit to it and after showing him proof n my phone admitted that he did in-fact contact her several times.
I told him the violation of trust with him had been broken and lying to me and involving someone into our "drama" that he created was unacceptable.
I told him I was very upset and needed a break from HIM and this whole lifestyle choice we had made. I took my 3 very young children 7-5-3 to my parents house and parked it for a few days. He gave me my space.
My parents didnt ask the circumstances of this but assumed it was couple who needed time apart for whatever reason.
I during that time contacted and setup an appointment for a couples therapist and told my husband this is what I wanted to do and if he wanted to work on things and get past this he is invited to join me. I provided the name and address and time for the appointment and that I would be there if chose to come or not.
He didnt come to the appointment and I held back contacting him for a few days. I waited until he came to visit the kids that I said to him. This is time for our kids not for us to talk about our issues and he seemed surprised.
I stayed with my parents for the rest of the month and attended my sessions. I found that I enjoyed not being pressured or felt stressed like was before. My family was helpful in babysitting and care and for the first time in years I felt like I had a break and could do some ME things. I actually went out and enjoyed myself with my girlfriends, and re-connected with past friendships and reconnected with myself once again.
He never did attend a session with me nor did I pressure him he knew the standing appts were each week at this time.
We stayed this way for almost 6 months till my folks said.. you cant stay her forever. I told my husband this is where things stand if we were to go back I was changed and things were not going to be the same again.
He agreed and we decided to sell the house and buy one closer to my family and his as well and work on things. We started doing Sunday drives and looking a houses it became our new "thing" then the ideas for what we could do each house. It was like the houses we went and looked at were our "NEW" couples and all the fun stuff we could do. This was also very helpful in that we re-connected and created something within ourselves that was fun and looked forward to our escapes on Sundays. Then it became sat/sun and we also let the "relatives" take the kids over nights which gave us a night a week to be alone.
The sex didn't come back for awhile but slowly he and I gained that confidence to be together sexually and bond.
The first time was in an open house of all places, we felt a sense of giddy guilt and figured we should at least put an offer in on the house after all. We did but with a low price. They took it. SO there was our new home , the same house we re-connected. Its been 13 years since this all has happened.
What transpired is we both changed our cell numbers, we moved to a new town, new place and more family support and found a new " interest" that was something we both enjoyed. I never asked what he did during those months apart but he did admit that he too felt it wasn't the same without me and he didn't know how to fix it. I accepted this guilt as much as he did and did NOT re-hash it or bring it up. I let it go. This was impressed upon me during that 6 months with the therapist. I wanted to ask a million questions but didn't. I instead focused on myself, my kids and understood the resolution would be instant or quick thanks again to the therapist. ALSO.. too. Remain optimistic that things will change and dont out a time limit on it.
BTW- the kids miss living at grandmas house ! They have told me a few times after. That's where we started the every week they visit them for a day. My husbands family is now more involved as well and have taken the older ones on trips with my parents !!! Everyone got something positive from this little "time out" and redirection of our lives. Learn from my story. It can be OK ...
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (30 November 2017):
 Threesomes and swinging are in my opinion not for serious relationships because there is always a chance that it could totally ruin your entire relationship and your post proves just how much it can ruin a union meant for two.
Firstly, if your husband respected you and cared about what you think and need, he would not be forcing you to continue on with this swinger lifestyle.
Because you´ve already spoken to him, you know what your options are. Your husband is selfish and inconsiderate in my opinion and if were you, I would tell him how it is affecting you and lay out his options for him, one of which would be tearing the family apart so that HE can have sex with other people.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (29 November 2017):
I don't see much of a gap between rape and - in your case - being forced to have sex with someone you don't want to have sex with. Ask him how would he feel if you conditioned your marriage on him having regular sex with other men or women he really finds very unattractive. That is about like the choice he wants you to make.
Option #2 is your best bet...tell him your thru with swinging. That brings up the possibility of him swinging by himself, of course. If that is unacceptable to you - and it would be to the vast majority of wives - let him know that he isn't to do that, either. I'm assuming that swinging wasn't in the picture when you got married and took your vows. If he can't handle this and leaves, at least you are not being forced into sex. I imagine divorce laws in Canada are much like those here in the USA. A divorce-court judge would clean his clock given the circumstances. So he has some serious incentive to see it your way. And he won't want his kids to ever know that daddy left mommy because she wouldn't have sex with others. So the ball is very much in your court.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2017): Wish I could help advise but watching the guy I love fucking other women is nowhere near in the stratosphere of my idea of fun. It would kill me. Ditto for my partner. I will never wrap my head around that kind of thing.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (28 November 2017):
 You aren't selfish because being a swinger is not an necessity in life nor a moral obligation but raising kids is a necessity and a moral obligation. He can always stop what isn't necessary and if he does not want to then it's him who is selfish: he would rather do unnecessary things for his own pleasure rather than sacrifice for the family which is the necessity in a marriage. So you are on good moral ground to break this bad cycle up.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (28 November 2017):
 YOU are not destroying anything.
Don't put the blame on yourself. You tried something to spice up your sex life and it's not for you and don't want to do it anymore. Your husband is the one being selfish basically saying he's no longer happy just having a sexual relationship with you.
HE is the one that is risking the family breaking apart because he isn't willing to go back to a sexual situ in the confines of your marriage. The only thing i can think of that may be difficult to explain would be the demise of the marriage if your husband stays firm. I think you would probably end up hating your husband anyway if you felt the need to force yourself to have sex with strangers to keep your family together.
You need to get everything into the opening, counselling could be a good option here.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 November 2017):
 OP, this mess was made by BOTH of you, not just you. Don't let him off without blame.
You tried something, had a good time, but realised it's not something you want to continue. EVERYONE does that.
When you have something like this, it's not selfish to say "I don't want to do it again." It's more selfish for him to say "I want to, so we have to".
I'm sorry, but you would be foolish to try to fake it. You'll waste your life on something and someone you're no longer happy with.
Kids can still thrive with divorced parents - much better than if their parents stay together and are miserable.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 November 2017):
 Michelle, I think you are looking at it from the wrong angle. You DID try it and you decided it's NOT for you. IT is OK to find that there are things you DO NOT want to do.
Don't you think it is JUST (if not more) selfish if your husband says he doesn't WANT to stop? Because then SEX is more important than his family. At least YOU, want to focus on the family and not sex with other people.
Do you really think you will make your husband and your family happy by FAKING? At some point, you will resent yourself for not having a backbone and for agreeing to something you really don't want to do.
Swinging shouldn't be the MAIN focus of a couple life, IMHO. Especially NOT when there are children to consider.
Let me compare it to drugs for a minute. You and your husband try pot, and then a few other drugs. It's kind of fun but you know that long-term it is NOT what you want. You know that drugs shouldn't be the focus of your marriage, family, and life. You decide no more drugs. Why? Because it makes sense and you DON'T want to do it anymore. Would you still feel you HAD to do drugs to keep your family happy?
In order to take care of your family, you NEED to be honest with yourself. Putting YOURSELF, your kids, marriage, AND your husband as top priorities over sex with strangers.
Maybe you should consider talking to a therapist about this? Or try couples counseling?
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A
female
reader, Michellehere +, writes (28 November 2017):
Michellehere is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all of your answers. Another problem I’m facing is tearing apart the family. I feel as though if we break up over this, I’m not destroying just our relationship, I’m tearing my children’s lives apart. I feel as though not complying is being selfish on my part. If I just agree to have sex with other people, I make three people happy. If I choose not to, I destroy four lives. What a mess I have made.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (28 November 2017):
I'd do number 2 and make him choose: sex with others or family. What will happen is impossible to tell but at least you have given it a shot at changing things. It could lead to number 3 but it does not have to. The kids younhave are as much his as yours so perhaps he may, because of that, pic the family. What happens after that is anyone's guess, although lot of people on DV report that going back to "normal" does not happen.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2017): DO NOT Leave him, that's the worst you can do to your children and what remains in your heart, a loving married relationship. First of all, never forget that communication between couples is priority one, talk, talk, talk. Before I go any further in my comments to your question here, I'm prescribing to you both to listen to the lyrics in an old Beatles song, "We can work it out". Now, about the swinging lifestyle. It's not for everybody but as you know many couples have explored couple swinging, for better or for worse. Those that remain in the swinging lifestyle consider swinging nothing more than recreational sex, a fantasy explored. No one is falling in love here, yes it can happen but few and far between. However, what I suspect you did not do before trying couple swinging was to set up some ground rules to live by first and adhere to them in total agreeance. I do hope you both are practising safe sex. In today's world cases of STD'S and HPV are out of control, trust no one unless they have supportive medical documents proving otherwise. And understand HIV still exists. In a nutshell, the risks far outweigh you both staying healthy, wealthy and wise! Now go watch your children grow up for someday they'll give you grandchildren, hopefully.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 November 2017):
There's no alternative than to tell him.
Option one would be a dreadful idea, one that would probably end up with a lot of resentment and an even bigger bust up down the line more than likely.
Tell him you're done with it, he either agrees to end it or he values that more than your family and in that case it shows how selfish he is anyways. You have to confront this one head on.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 November 2017):
"Why settle me down, marry me, have two children with me only to throw me for this loop now?"Why agree to swing if it could ruin your monogamous marriage and family?Unfortunately, I get the feeling that this marriage had an inevitable end and you've just stumbled across the reason. He wants to swing and you don't.Don't force yourself to swing; you'll likely resent him, lose your confidence and self-worth, and possibly even mess up your children's views of what's okay in a relationship because you stay even when you're unhappy.This is the probably the problem:You won't be happy swinging.He won't be happy not swinging.If you stay together, either he'll do it behind your back, which would be cheating, or one of you will be miserable because you force yourself to do it or he'll force himself to stop.It's unlikely your marriage will last, but it's worth a shot. You can't compromise yourself, though - you must be honest that you don't want to swing any more and ask him to see a marriage counsellor, to decide if he can be happy without swinging, or if you're no longer compatible.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 November 2017):
I think you SHOULD tell him.
Whether or not you can go back to "normal" is impossible to say, I think it's highly unlikely at least from what I have heard and seen from other people who have done this.
Regardless of how OTHER people handle it, YOU need to be honest with him. If he doesn't WANT to stop - what then? I'd ask him if it's more important to him to have sex with other people or work on the marriage and family you have created and go from there.
You have EVERY right to say - OK I tried this, it was fun but not what I want. I no longer want this.
And I think he has every right to not want to stop and then lose his family. OR accept that this is not for you and back you up.
But swinging is not something you just stick back in the bag with no consequences. You both chose to do this, now you BOTH have to deal with the consequences. Hopefully together.
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