A
female
age
41-50,
*ogogadget
writes:My boyfriend and I recently split up over my jealousy issues over his relationships with his female friends. When we were together he told me he loved me and was only interested in me. We even talked about marriage and I moved in with him after only a few months. At the time I knew he had a lot of female friends, most of them lived in other states, but some were local. We had some issues with these girls initially, however we were working on things. While adjusting to this and working out our boundaries my boyfriend during this time had other ‘friendships’ behind my back with other girls. One girl was a former student he was casually sleeping with but she liked him a lot. I am 99% he cheated on his ex with her. One drunk night he mentioned this hyper sexual girl that he was seeing and how she was an animal in bed. I asked if he still talked to her and he said no. However, after living with him for months I saw a message from her and looked further only to find my boyfriend telling this girl that he had doubts about being with me and even texting her during a fight to tell her I was mad at him again. I confronted him about it and he said she was nothing to him and he would not talk about our relationship to her anymore. I asked he be open about her and he agreed but followed with a…but I barely ever talk to her. After this conversation he would continue to text regularly her behind my back. One night after he was texting back and forth with her for hours and I asked him if he was talking to her he said no. That morning while he was in the shower I texted her from his phone: my girlfriend is upset b/c I told her was talking to you last night. She replied: “What!! I thought you were done with her. Well I at least hope you did not tell her everything we talked about…; ). To this day he claims that she was just joking, however, he has deleted every bit of communication with her that may confirm that there was nothing going on. That night he was messaging her and lied about it he said that they were just talking about her thesis, however, he deleted all of the texts so I would have to trust his word. I ended up texting her asking her to just tell me girl to girl whether there was anything inappropriate and she never responded. While we were fighting about it I checked a number by calling it to see if it was hers. She immediately texted my ex upset and he texted her back apologizing and saying it would never happen again. We then talked for hours and he promised he would tell her that he cared about me if we were together. Since then we have been spending the weekends together, having sex, telling each other we love each other, and talking on the phone during the week. However, my ex decided that my calling this girl before needed further explanation so he messaged her recently telling her that the day I called her I was just there picking up my stuff and that I had emotional issues that I was dealing with. I am not sure why he felt the need to e-mail this girl and than not even tell her I was there with him and we were working on things. When I asked him why he said this he told me because it was none of her business what was happening between us and if he thought we were stable enough he would tell her. I find it ironic that she is one of the reasons I feel unstable with him, however, he will not tell her at this point until I am. This is also coming from a guy that messaged this girl within 24 hours after we broke up telling her. I would like to say that this is the only case of him hiding girls from me but it is not. He promises he will be open from now on about these relationships, however, I no longer can handle the relationship with this girl. Its nice that he is willing to text with her in front of me now, but I feel at this point I’ve been too disrespected by their relationship to have her in our lives, however, my ex says that I am not allowed to tell him who he can be friends with. I am not telling him that he cant have female friends, but not ones were he has to cover up, also he told me he does not tell her the extent of his feelings for me to protect her feelings). He tells me that I’m crazy that he is only interested in me, however, it does not feel like it when he does this stuff. Am I wrong on this? Do you think he can ever be truly open with me?
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broke up, drunk, his ex, jealous, moved in, my ex, split up, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (25 June 2012):
You will never feel the same for another as you did with your ex. But this is the beauty in life, that everything is a learning experience and each person will reward you with a new and unique experience. You will find another who will treat you better and years from now you will look back and laugh. Just be happy is it over. Be sad it is over. But most importantly, accept that it is over.
You did great and anyone can see that. At least you can say "I tried my best". And there is someone out there who deserves it! Good luck and try to be happy. Continue learning to trust others.
A
female
reader, gogogadget +, writes (25 June 2012):
gogogadget is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOriginal Poster: Thank you all for responding and offering me up advice. I suppose I know in my heart it's over, but it's hard moving on when you really loved somebody. I gave up my furniture, moved far from work, and worked hard to be a good girlfriend sans the jealousy. I also really loved the time we spent together, I am still at the point where I feel like I will never feel this way about another person, which is rubbish. However, reading these comments that confirm what I already knew is helpful. There were signs in the beginning soon after I moved in and I ignored them. I gave up all my stuff and invested a lot so I was hoping it was just me. I figured I was insecure bc my ex young good-looking professor who works with tons of young attractive girl whom he mentors and in the past who he has dated. I ended up looking at his texts, which is how I found this stuff out. I am not proud of that. I found stuff and kept it to my self. Granted I tired to tell him how much I needed his openness and how I felt that he was emotionally cheating on me with these girls. When his behavior failed to change rather than get anger and upset I used to get so so anger at him. I should have just left. It would have prevented me from living in resentment and allowing him to continue this behavior. After the first time he promised something and failed I should have left. It would have saved me months of complete emotional distress. I suppose everything is a learning experience.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (25 June 2012):
 If he is lying to this girl about yours and his relationship, that right there is a major red flag. If you believe he cheated in a previous relationship, then you have every reason to suspect that he would also cheat on you. If the man can't be honest with his female friends about your relationship, then this isn't a relationship you need to be in. The only reason I can think of for him to be lying about you, to this girl, is because he has feelings for her, and needs to keep her on the hook. This man is not trustworthy, and as long as he refuses to be honest to YOU, and to his female about YOU, this relationship will never work, and the longer you stay in it, the more miserable you're going to become. You can try relationship counseling, but for that to be successful it requires honesty.....and that is something I don't think you're going to be getting from him any time soon.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 June 2012):
 It's okay to have friends of the opposite sex. However, it's NOT okay to have friends of the opposite sex who either used to be lovers OR if either you or the friend has had romantic interest in you. This covers exes, former FWB's, people you've had crushes on, people who have had crushes on you. Get what I mean? If there was ever a desire to be more than friends, whether or not that desire was once fulfilled, then there should be no friendship.
You two should remain split up. Much easier than all of this drama.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 June 2012):
 Honey, STOP a second. LOOK at his actions, not his words. Obviously he is a charmer and rather convincing liar to still have you (and all his other females around).
He actions does speak louder and when you look a them, he doesn't seem very invested in the relationship at all. He is using the arguments to get "pity" attention from a girl he seems to almost string along. Keeping her hoping you two are through so he can be with her or whatever it is he is hinting at.
It's not the relationship with that girl that should upset you. It is how little respect he has for you. Now THAT would piss me off.
How many times have he made promises that he didn't keep? How many times has he lied and then made you think it was YOUR fault he lied. Like he did it so you wouldn't get hurt...
Honey, if he was ONLY interested in you would he keep doing what he is doing? No. He is an attention whore, who thinks the more girls he talks to the more of a man he is. Most likely compensating for something....
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A
male
reader, Xearo +, writes (25 June 2012):
I don't think he will ever be open because this is the type of person he is. These actions are a big part of his life and I do not think he can ever give it up. I think I understand your position fully and it is a shame he can not give up that secretive portion of his life. You are right though, no one should tell who you can or can not be friends with but he has been hiding and lying about it constantly.
I think breaking up is a good call. If he wanted to change he would have done so a long time ago. Don't worry, a new guy will come along and treat you with the respect and love you deserve.
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A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (25 June 2012):
 Wow. I don't know how you can stand such a relationship. How exhausting! I think issues of trust and fidelity in relationships as being very black and white; if you don't trust him, and if he feels the need to hide things, then there is clearly a huge disconnect between you two. I would get relationship counseling if you both truly want this to work, otherwise, break up and try to regain some peace of mind in your life. Yikes. And for the record, it sounds like there is more going on between them than what he admits.
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