A
male
age
30-35,
*15511551
writes:Here is my situation, my gf moved from her home country to another country for a better job, she had a bf of 3 years in her home country and they remained in a long distance relationship after she moved away.She met a guy at work who was a good friend, he trained her at work and helped her out a lot as she was a new joiner, he knew she didn't have any friends in this new country so he took her out sometimes only the two of them and sometimes in a group. Her boyfriend back then was so jealous and paranoid of this guy and asked her to stop going out with him coz its driving him crazy jealous, her answer was always the same, we are just friends and u have nothing to worry about, the relationship got worse and worse.Almost a year later she went home for holidays and spent the whole holiday in her bf's place, they fought so much because of the guy friend from work and she decided to break up with her bf and when she went back to work when her vacation ended she was so broken and depressed, of course the guy from work comforted her and tried cheering her up, here is the messed up part!!They got drunk and slept together only one week after her breakup with her boyfriend, and two weeks later they booked a hotel for the weekend and slept together again this time intentionally, not under the influence of alcohol or any other drug, she knew what she was doing and she was fully functioning and aware only three weeks from her breakup with her bf of 3 years!Anyway this guy from work had an emergency and had to go back home for a month, and this is when I showed up, I was new at work I just joined, I didn't know anyone or anything, I saw the girly, I liked her and asked her out she said yes and after 2 dates we slept together too while the guy from work was back home for his emergency and I did not know the guy had a thing with her! When the guy came back he was so furious with me I told him I did not know anything about them, I confronted my gf she swore to me that she didn't sleep with that guy from work they are just friends, and we should keep on dating and that guy is just a liar and of course, blinded by love, I believed her. Today, which is exactly one year later after their weekend in the hotel, I found for sure about that co worker affair. My concerns are, is it normal that after a 3 years relationship she sleeps with the guy who was the reason for that breakup in the first place, and only one week after the breakup, and also after a week from her last time with that co worker she slept with me? Technically she slept with 3 different guys in 3 consecutive months, also she lied to me for a year that nothing happened with that co worker and that I was her first man in this country, should I go on in this relationship? Did I steal her from that co worker who obviously had a thing for her? A lot of things are going on my head and I need some help please.
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affair, at work, co-worker, depressed, drunk, jealous, liar, long distance Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): Yes, I think you should forget about all the things she did before you and she got together if you can.You should certainly not discuss it with her again. She has explained why she behaved as she did and expressed both guilt and remorse. She is not repeating any of this behaviour. There will be no benefit in you talking about it with her anymore. She's said her piece and can add nothing to it.If you find that you can't forget about these anxieties you have about her and the relationship then I suggest you take CMMP's adive and go down the counselling/therapy route. Not couples counselling as he suggested, though - counselling for you alone to help you get a grip on nasty, uncomfortable, ruminating thoughts.And on another note, your G/F's ex (the LDR was mistrustful and paranoid about what MIGHT happen. Their relationship broke up because of it. DON'T let history repeat itself. DON'T turn into her ex by becoming mistrusful and paranoid yourself.
A
male
reader, Z15511551 +, writes (5 April 2014):
Z15511551 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno it did not happen, im just wondering and giving you examples, our relationship was smooth an going amazingly well until i discovered her ditry secret, so i am wodering if she might do it again, also she did not cheat on any of her exes, technically when she slept with any of us she was totally single and not in a relationship, but it was just so soon and if there was hope for her to get back together with any of her exes, its now totally over u know what i mean, i guess im just the type of guy who likes to ''calculate'' or ''plan'' everything perfectly before getting into it.
so, do you think i should just forget every thing she did before, and continue with this relationship?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): But has this actually happened - you and her having an argument about another co-worker calling you handsome or similar? If nothing like this has happened before then I think you are overreacting - your brain is driving you crazy by inventing scenarios that MIGHT happen.
And to be honest a good relationship between two well-balanced and well-suited adults should NOT be fraught with little petty spats and break-ups so stop assuming that your relationship with her will be like that.
Or is it like this already?
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A
male
reader, Z15511551 +, writes (5 April 2014):
Z15511551 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your advice and care guys, im just worried because she is the real thing, i really do love her and she is crazy about me too, she defends herself because and i quote "she was the victim of her own stupidity" she was so sad about the breakup and she elept with that guy while drunk then again for a second tine because she was -again i quote- "stupid and broken hearted", im just worried because she seems like she handles every breakup with jumping in bed with another guy, as she told me that the reason she slept with me is because the coworker was on emergency leave and told her he might never come back, so she felt he used her body for his pleasure then made up excuses even when he cane back he told her lets juat stop this and be friends, she is screwed and broken i know that, but i love her just the way she is, i just dont want to forexample fight because a female friend told me that i look handsome today or anything and she takes it as cheating and decides to take a break and the next day i find out she is in bed with soneone else, thats the only thing that is worrying me. You think im overreacting?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): You say you'll be devastated if she "acts like her old self" but what is "her old self"?
According to your post she had an apparantly sucessful relationship for 3 years which then ended because it couldn't survive when it became long-distance. This could have been a very upsetting experince for her. You seem to think that because she reacted to this break-up by diving striaght into bed with another man that she will react to everything by doing this, by having a "silly fight" for example. Breaking up with your boyfriend because of his jealousy isn't just a "silly fight" so don't just assume that this is a normal pattern of behaviour.
Or are there other things about her (or her behaviour) that are bugging you as well?
Otherwise CMMP's advice is good.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 April 2014):
If being with her is making you worried you might kill yourself then you need more help than you'll get here.
The situation can't be changed. Her history is what it is. If you can't deal with that you're with the wrong person. There are worse things than getting your heart broken, don't be so afraid.
I'd seriously recommend relationship counseling prior to marriage and I'd also suggest personal therapy for the two of you. She has her own issues she should work on.
For the record, I think you're overreacting. I don't think your situation warrants a freak out. She is just like many other people who can't deal with their emotions so they seek comfort in the arms of another person.
Luckily for you, you'll probably never find out if that happens after you break up.
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A
male
reader, Z15511551 +, writes (4 April 2014):
Z15511551 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGuys please help me out her, i love her so much but the way she handles situations is scary for me, i mean what if we break up over a stupid reason or had a sillu fight and she reacts by hooking up with her co worker or anyone else, what if she does something like that after we get married ir have kids for example, i really do need help, everything in me wants to be with her but if she acts like her old self for any reason i will probably kill myself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): I would be bothered about her lying about the relationship with the co-worker. No matter if it is over. If she is still working around the guy then it means he is still in her life now. That means her partner has the right to know about the history with the other person.
As for her sleeping around so quickly? No, its not a good sign for her relationship habits. But these days most people are too PC about casual sex to say this.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (3 April 2014):
Some people just can't be alone. When the two of you break up she'll seek comfort from someone else as soon as possible. It won't be pleasant, but that's the way it is.
She lied because she thought she had to. It doesn't mean she's guaranteed to cheat.
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