A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I recently posted about trying not to get too excited when I'm with my new girlfriend. Well, tonight it went the complete opposite direction. We were at her place (she lives with her mom, stepdad, and three siblings) and things were going well up until the point where it was my time and I couldn't stay up. It was humiliating and incredibly frustrating because every time I'm around her, I'm always excited. I'm almost to the point where I'm considering breaking up with her because I don't want her to become upset with me and end up cheating while we're together, but I absolutely love her and I really just want to be able to please her and not have to use my fingers the entire time. Please help, I'm really upset and I just want to be able to make her happy in this facet of our relationship. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2016): HiWhenever I've read about this problem or seen something about it on the tele the advice given by sexual therapists is to take the pressure off. Ask your girlfriend to try a little experiment with you. You can kiss and cuddle, play and stroke, massage each other and whatever else you like but there will be no actual intercourse. You can set a time limit for example we'll do this for a week or a month but YOU are not ALLOWED to have penetrative sex with her. Works like a charm :-) it takes the pressure off and the only reason you're not performing as you'd like is because of the pressure. You know that. By the way my boyfriend has erectile dysfunction and I couldn't care less. Just being with him, being next to him, being able to kiss and cuddle him and having him play with me to make me cum is more than enough. If she loves you, she WON'T CARE. Just think about it, if there was something 'wrong' with her, would you care? I'm betting not.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2016): You might take longer to get turned on maybe taking longer with foreplay would help you get into the proper mindset. Dont breakup over it anyway.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2016): Have you tried clitoral stimulation during sex? Either with her doing it or you doing it for her? That should work very well even if you don't last long.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2016): You bear a great deal of weight on your shoulders trying way too hard to be the perfect boyfriend in every way. Stressing over your ability to please her, and driving yourself nuts in the process. Learn to reciprocate what you're receiving. Don't overcompensate to impress. Don't be influenced by a woman's beauty, or be so desperate about having a girlfriend, that you get squirrely.
If anything will cause a problem in your relationship, it will be unmanageable insecurities.
Foolishly, women think penises act consistently on cue, and
if it doesn't; there's something wrong with her, or something wrong with you. In this cause, it is you. You have far too much going on in your head trying to cover every possible angle, and avoid whatever could go wrong; because you place your girlfriend up on a pedestal. This will put both of you under a great deal of stress and pressure. Her to live up to your high expectations of perfection, and you attempting to be everything she could ever imagine. Relationships don't last under these conditions. Bailing-out every-time you can't cope with your imperfections or slip-ups will keep you pretty lonely and distraught.
See your doctor to make sure there aren't any physiological reasons for your e.d. Make sure you're not having too much to drink; or check side-effects of any medications you may take for anxiety, pain, or any other medical disorders.
It's as simple as "it's all in your head," in this instance.
You are not a robot. Even robots can malfunction. Perfection is above human ability; so you have to keep things realistic and simple. Your performance is not an issue, unless you make it one.
In your case, it may not be a good idea to dwell on the subject or make too much of a big deal of it by trying to explain your penis to a female. They still won't get it. Just let nature take its course. Get some exercise. Check your diet to be sure you're getting proper nutrition, drink plenty of water, and don't have sex unless you want to.
Yes, it's okay to let her know if you're tired or not feeling up to sex. If she can't understand that; that's when there is a need to discuss things. You are a person who overthinks issues until they upset you. So, to avoid anxiety, you need to just purge the mental garbage and enjoy life a little bit. Looking for an answer to every problem keeps the mind far too busy. Sometimes you just enjoy being with someone and only need to be affectionate and romantic. It doesn't always have to lead to intercourse.
I hope you're not trying to have sex with your girlfriend at her house; which is full of people. If you need to take her to your place for intimacy' or maybe a nice motel for a weekend; you'll feel a lot more relaxed and have more privacy. Sometimes it's the atmosphere around you.
You must relax, and let yourself be governed by your love and affection. Not your insecurities.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (12 August 2016):
 Maybe you were worried subconsciously about her family hearing you two going at it. I find it VERY difficult to keep my mojo going when I know my kid is stirring in the next room.
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (12 August 2016):
It really annoys me that society makes it acceptable and even expected for women to have days where they struggle with arousal but men are made to feel there is something wrong with them. You have nothing to be humiliated about OP. You're having this problem because you're psyching yourself out - you're anxious because you feel like you need to be the exact right level of excited, which makes you focus on it more and it becomes a problem. You need to get out of your head and focus on the feelings and sensations you are both experiencing. Focus outwards not inwards
I also agree with the other poster that recommended you have a chat with her. Tell her what's going on so she's not thinking the worst. Sadly the issue I mentioned about society also leads women to sometimes believe they are not attractive enough if their man has issues like this - which is of course not true either - so it will help put her mind at rest if that is something she's worried about.
And finally - only a small percentage of women can orgasm from P in V intercourse so you really should be using your fingers (or indeed other body parts...) all the time anyway :)
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (12 August 2016):
I am going to assume the relationship is otherwise good here. “I’m really upset,” you say. There lies the likely answer to your problem. If you continue putting yourself under such enormous pressure to be the perfect lover, you’re going to experience problems like finishing prematurely, or failing to maintain an erection. If you start thinking that whether you remain together as a couple or not depends on your performance between the sheets, that’s only going to send your anxiety levels through the roof and, ironically, make everything much worse.
Talk to your girlfriend about your worries. She will appreciate honesty far more than not knowing why these things are happening and being left to draw her own conclusions. Go in to this with an open mind and let her reassure you. If you can just try to relax and enjoy each other’s bodies, your performance is likely to be much better. Don’t put yourself under pressure to blow her mind every time, but realise that a major part of good sex is the emotional connection. You aren’t emotionally available to her if your head is entirely absorbed in fretting about how long you’re going to last and how good your technique is. Make this a romantic experience: have dinner, do something nice and build up to it. Pay her lots of compliments, have lots of foreplay and remind yourself that this woman wants you.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 August 2016):
 Have you talked to her ? Tell her what the problem is.
If you start being off with her when it comes to sex then she's going to be wondering whats going on and thinking YOURE up to something dodgy because you're not being straight up.
It's a common problem, you're not the only person in the world that's suffering from this. Just talk to her and be honest and move forwards from there.
...............................
|
