| A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Can anyone tell me why a married man keeps hanging onto his mistress for many years?She is high maintenance, is not always nice to him, is a drain on him physically and emotionally and causes him headaches and complications in his life. And yet he STILL insists on staying with her! He does everything he can to hold onto her. I mean, everything he can to keep her happy. And it never seems like it's enough either. But yet despite the fact she is so demanding, he stays with her.Friends have told him it's not a good situation to be in. And he has cut some of us off. He does not talk to us anymore now. He ignores our advice. None of us has ever had an extra marital relationship. He seems almost obsessed with her. He is a logical person but does not see reason in this case.WHY????
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2016): Its never all about sex or the power of the penis! When the screaming stops there are other things to think about and how those areas are disputed or delegated can seriously impact on the relationship!For example some couples handle finances whilst others ignore it to the point of repossession and this generally adversley effects a relationship!Or interfering inlaws can become a huge strain! Also sickness, grief and disappointments.Sometimes the man or woman is in love with the image others portray and when reality has overruled that, things can fall apart.Or a new baby can put a strain on the marriage unless both partners invest the same amount of energy!There will always be some men or women who will run off to someone else because they dont like intimacy, but like the social approval of others.Charming men canoften be charming to everyone but the wife, as they have a publically charming image to keep up.Big spenders always need more than one attachment so that they can turn to 'the bank of partner'!What bothers me is why your friend cant ditch him and move on to someone else unless her confidence has been undermined!If it were all about the pussy to all men, then the minute a woman broke her leg,her partner would be knocking on the nearest door for sex, yet many men are faithful!Its possible she is staying married for financial gain, perhaps she wants to get a widows pension when he's gone,or maybe she has an insurance policy on him but she needs to stay married for payout!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2016): Why? Its simple...I call it POP...power of the pussy....one of the strongest forces on earth...She obviously gives it to him real good...lucky guy!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2016): You are just being interfering and banging the drums and crowd gathering in your attempts to subject this man to universal disapproval, but you are overstepping your jurisdiction.
This guy doesnt talk to you and has cut his interfering 'friends'out!
You may even have been part of the 'marriage problem!'
You have clearly overinvested yourself in his life!
If you were his wife you would have a right to ask that, but you are not!
Perhaps, you feel as a close friend of the wife you are doing an upfront thing but quite honestly you are just jumping into so something you should stay out of!
You never even clarified if they were still living together as husband and wife!
Maybe you should have asked 'Why doesnt his wife divorce him?'
If this has gone on a long time then you need to accept that the man has moved on mentally and physically and if you are a highly invested friend of the wife stop encouraging her to delude herself and her friends and help her to learn to say 'Its over and i am putting in for a divorce!'
If she leans on you so much that you feel responsible for her welfare you could help her to get a social worker because it isnt fair on you and you may be at your wits end already!
So you are allowed to disinvest in your friendship role and she will survive!
Maybe you could do a cinematrip once a week or month so that she has something to talk about other than her absent ex!
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A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (12 August 2016):
 It all boils down to morality and how attached to its principles the person is. Just because he is a logical guy it does not necessarily follow that his attachment to upholding the principles of morality are high. Tweak few premises here and there, and his incisive logic can actually be a potent weapon in destruction of morality.
Since all good things are all alike, all the bad are unique in their own way. Like all bad things, what he is doing is probably a unique circumstance to him and he sure has some potent premises with which he can logically justify why he is chasing the mistress. However, had he been attached to the principles of morality in the first place, upholding the principle of not cheating would outweigh his impulse to chase that woman, and he would behave so. As is, his attachment to morality is weak, leading ultimately to your question.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (12 August 2016):
I think the previous posters have got this about right. Rational and logical men are, unfortunately, sometimes ruled by what’s in their pants instead of their brains. Maybe the fact that she is hard work and demanding keeps the thrill of the chase going over an extended period of time, and that’s what brings him excitement. Perhaps he is infatuated with the woman and has become illogically obsessed. It can be hard to understand because he’s a married man, and it’s pretty cruel as a way to treat your wife, but he is either too hooked on the high or too selfish to care enough about that to put it right and take the wise advice of his friends. What a dreadful man he is!
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 August 2016):
 For the same reason that people are addicted to alcohol or drugs. They know it's a bad thing, it's going to harm them terribly, they see their relationships getting destroyed, their partners and children unhappy... And yet they do it. Why? Because it's an addiction and it's very, very hard to kick.
The same thing is happening to your friend. He gets a high out of being with her. And how do you even know that he's unhappy with her? Maybe he doesn't have a problem with the fact that she's demanding... maybe he finds that interesting about her! Maybe that's what keeps him hooked. Some people need that drama in their lives to keep them on their toes.
Let him be. You tried to help but remember, unsolicited advice is never welcome so you shouldn't really interfere in his matters. It's his life, his choices and no matter how much you want, you can't and shouldn't tell him what he should or shouldn't do. You're friend is a big boy and capable of taking his own decisions.
I'm curious though, why doesn't his wife just leave him if everything is out in the open and he's been with the other woman for many years now?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 August 2016):
 The possessiveness, jealousy, insecurity, the emotional torture. . . That's love to him. She must really "love" him if she's suffering so much. That gives him the ego boost. Some people want drama when at home everything's boring. Maybe the mistress is the only thing interesting in his life that makes him feel something.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 August 2016):
 Because he WANTS what he wants. OR... he is chasing a fantasy and not willing to accept that WHAT he has in not what he want it to be.
Maybe he actually LIKES the drama. I think there are a LOT of people out there who makes the presumption that drama means passion, deep feelings, soul-mates or what not.
However, HIS choice, his life.
Just like the wife chooses to stay with him even if he is cheating on her.
The thing with advice... IF he is getting UNSOLICITED advice from his friends that HE doesn't like or doesn't want to hear, it IS easier to cut off his friends rather than accept that his situation is F'd up.
IF he ASKS for advice and then ignore it time after time, I'd tell him the 3rd -4th time that I don't want to hear about his "mistress" issues as nothing I can offer is taken serious or seem to help.
I'd leave him be and maybe... FOCUS on your own life.
Right now my BIL recently ended a relationship of over a year and less than a month later is SO serious and "socially" intertwined with a new woman that he even took to his high school reunion. Which I find insane. She is moving in with him next week... WTF? BUT I have held my tongue because he HASN'T asked what I think. And it REALLY isn't my beeswax, even if I do want him to find someone to spend his time with. However, because of this new woman in his life, I am having to cover slack with watching HIS grand-kids more often than before, because he is now so caught up in making this an instant relationship. Yes, I could say no to baby sitting - but I know my niece needs the help so SHE can work and the father of the other grand-kid (he has custody) works and haven't found a day care yet.
But I don't butt in with EITHER guy's dysfunctional romances. It's THEIR lives. If it affects me too much, I'll simply back off.
I know you mean well, but... life life, his choices, HIS mistakes to make.
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