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She was insistent on including her daughters in our invitation to her and then she was a no-show! I wasted £300 on all 4 of them!

Tagged as: Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 March 2015) 10 Answers - (Newest, 1 April 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I got married over a month ago and I invited a friend of mine - we used to work together and became really good friends so I invited both her and husband to my wedding for the entire day.

When my friend received her invite she called to ask if she could also bring her 2 daughters- both in their early 20's for the entire day too... I told her it may be difficult as we already had 125 guests and we're struggling to accommodate. My friend was really instant and made me feel bad- despite the fact I have only ever met her daughters on 2 occasions and never spoken to them for more than 10 minutes!

Anyway after some negotiating with the restaurant I managed to get 2 extra places added which my friend was happy with and she replied they would all 4 be attending.

On my wedding day, as we sat down to the wedding breakfast I noticed that 1 of the tables had 4 empty seats and when I went to investigate I saw it my friend and her family that weren't there... I started to worry incase something had happened to them on the way to my wedding. I hadn't seen them in the church due to the amount of people so I had no idea what could have happened..,

I checked my phone incase I missed her call- but I hadn't and I tried to get hold of her and left several messages on her phone.

Needless to say it kind of ruined my wedding as I was worried but then got a call 2 days later from her saying that they had been away that week at a family reunion - in another part of the UK and the plan was to drive back the Friday night to attend my wedding on the Saturday but they had opted to stay a few extra days and "forgot" to let me know!!!

I think it's unacceptable - she didn't even seem that sorry and said "it was 1 of those things"! I had to pay £75 a head - so in total I wasted £300 on all 4 of them!

Aside from the cost I couldn't even enjoy my day as I was worried about her!

I told her how disappointed I was and she said that I was making a big deal over nothing and to top things off I never even got a wedding gift from her- just a card.

Normally I'm not a petty person but when I went to her 50th Birthday last year - I spent a small fortune on a personalised gift for her- which she loved.

Am I in the wrong for feeling so hurt?

View related questions: wedding

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (1 April 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt Wow, you are right there getting married... and you find time and will to worry about one friend and her 3 " plus one " not showing up !? You must be a very cool headed, detail oriented lady.

Anyway : yes, I'd be upset too... but not TOO much hopefully ? I mean, yes, it is sort of a big deal- ot is a 300 bucks deal, so not exactly peanuts. But, forget the money, the lack of manners and lack of concern , and the in-your-face selfishness that prevented those people even from shooting a last minute text , IS unbelievable. Then again...that's the thing with weddings. Something always happens , normally you can't expect to gather 100 or 200 people and have everything picture perfect... Rude guests don't show up on time,.. or the bride's uncle gets out-of-control drunk,.. or the groom's brother runs away with a married female guest... never a dull moment :).

You can decide to focus on the positive... and keep the negative for laughing about it as a funny story some ten years later.

Mind you, IMO that means that you should not let this little fiasco spoil your mood and spoil your memories of the big day, not that you should go back to be bosom buddies with this lady. In fact ,personally I would choose to discontinue the "friendship " or acquaintance. Not out of revenge, or because of the extra 300 bucks she costed me - simply because I know I do not enjoy being close to people who lack this very basic level of etiquette ( and of respect for me ).

Then agan, if we want, there's also a little lesson to be learned here , maybe- which is : do not be a pushover. You never meant to expand your guest list and to include her daughters whom you do not even know, so I think you SHOULD have , kindly, politely but FIRMLY, told her :sorry, no can do; guest list is closed,end of story. In this way,... you would have not only saved 150 bucks ,spent on people you do not give a whit about, but also you would have shown your friend that you are not easily manpulable, easily disposable of " chopped liver " but someone to be reckoned with,- I have the feeling that she would have respected you more for standing your ground and probably she would not have dared to pull a stint like this .

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (1 April 2015):

Anonymous 123 agony auntYou got married! Enjoy your new life rather than getting pissed over someone who doesnt deserve it in the LEAST. Yes, her behavior was rude and extremely annoying but then again, whats more important here? The fact that she aggravated you or the fact that you just got married?!!

Dont give her any undue importance. She clearly doesnt deserve it

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (1 April 2015):

It was rude of her, sure, but they are grown ups, and didn't need your worrying at the wedding. I doubt you worried for there safety, you were probably just mad and pretending to be worried makes you appear less self centered.

Either way she sounds pretty self centered herself.

One last thing... It was your choice to spend that much, not hers. There are always going to be no shows, that's why paying per person kind of stinks. If you pay for a certain amount of food it can just be eaten by someone else.

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A female reader, Keeley345 United Kingdom +, writes (1 April 2015):

Congratulations on your wedding!!!!

You're right to be angry. Sounds like selfishness on her part and unreliability. Some friend she is. How could she forget to contact you? It was your wedding day unless she forgot about that too.

Is she always like this? Or has she been reliable in the past? I would have it out with her. £300 is ALOT of money to waste. You could have used this to book a weekend away with your hubby or pay some bills. No doubt there are bills from the wedding itself.

You sound like a warm, kind friend to me. Inviting her to your wedding inc her kids. You went the extra mile to allow her kids there when you did'nt have to. The shame is on her!

Vent frustrations with other friends and family and arrange a good time to see her. This is best done when you're less upset. See what she has to say for herself face to face. If she tries to get out of meeting up with you...i'd worry then. She's acting odd to me. But only you know your friend.

But i'm sorry this put a damper on your special day. Don't let this awful incident and person, spoil anymore of your happy time. No doubt you're very loved up at the moment so pour your energy into romantic time with hubby. He'll more than likely make you feel better about all of it. But I'd feel like you do if I were in your shoes.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (31 March 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntUNFRIEND....

she is so crass and rude and WRONG IMO she's not worth the cosmic energy to let her know what a piece of work she is.

the gift is nothing...who cares if they gift you one less thank you to write...

it was rude to ask to bring her daughters... I did that once when I was very young I asked to bring a date. I had no clue how rude that was. UGH.

and then to NOT show up and NOT call all because they "forgot"

BULLSHIT... she remembered she's just selfish and inconsiderate and I would not waste any more time or energy on her and I would NOT call her friend.

acquaintance maybe.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (31 March 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntAt 125 guests at £75 a head, you spent £9375. Adding an additional two guests (the daughters) was another £150. So they were an additional 1.6% to the bill, and if you add your friend plus husband we are looking at about 3.2% of the total bill. You would have invited her and husband to the wedding without the daughters so I'm giving them the benefit of the 'extra £150.'

Yes, it's rude to add guests, even worse to add guests then not show up.

But they are a mere fraction of the total cost of the wedding. I expect if you add in the other expenses their bit shrinks even more.

Is it really worth it to get this wound up about someone who clearly doesn't understand basic etiquette? Why waste so much time and energy on her? You were a good friend, you tried to accommodate her, you gave her a nice present for her birthday. You are a nice friend.

I would try to find the humour in this and I would remind you that she has 2 daughters who may get married one day. She'll understand well enough then what she did was rude and impolite. You'll just have to be patient.

In the meantime, I would start making jokes at her expense with our mutual friends.... [well, no not really, but it would be to imagine, no?]

She'll eventually wind up facing a similar situation and may or may not grasp what she did was wrong. It's enough to know that's she's so clueless that she may not even realize that you've dropped her. .... Which IS what I would do. :)

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (31 March 2015):

I don't see how their absence ruined your whole wedding?

Would it make you feel better if something awful had happened to them?

It was a small financial loss; but 100% attendance is the goal, but not always the outcome. Such is life. It should have otherwise been a beautiful day for you and your groom.

As for the expectation of a gift? Do you believe that would have been compensation for the no-show? That isn't the thought behind a "gift."

Their cavalier attitude may stem from the fact they had to negotiate or haggle to bring their daughters. Sometimes people take offense to guest-restrictions on invitations. They take it personally if they can't bring whomever they want. Don't rule-out their ignorance to the fact it is customary to limit the guest-list to as many people as you can reasonably accommodate. Anyway, you have to absorb the loss and move on.

They have no manners, have no sense of proper etiquette, and she is apparently a terrible friend.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (31 March 2015):

Ciar agony auntI'm with Honeypie.

You've made your displeasure known and she has made her complete lack of interest (and class) known as well. There is nothing more you can do but just cut ties with the woman. no fuss, no muss.

Everyone knows weddings are very expensive and stressful to plan so in my opinion it was very rude of her to insist that you extend invitations to her daughters. That alone says a lot about her.

OP, the woman turned out to be a low class person and you have every right to be annoyed. Don't let this ruin your memories of your wedding, which overall was good, right?

Just delete the woman, block her and have nothing more to do with her.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2015):

Yes, you have valid feelings on this. She is not a good friend.

I had a couple RSVP to my wedding, and they ended up having to cancel because her son was killed in a car accident and the husband was diagnosed with cancer just a few weeks before my big day. She had time to let me know they could not attend despite all that going on.

So no excuse for your "friend" forgetting that she had a reunion to go to on the same day as your wedding. Geez.

You did all you could by letting her know how you felt, so nothing more for you to do now than to let that friendship die.

I am sorry.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 March 2015):

Honeypie agony auntYes, I would be upset too. Not so much for the extra money spend, it happens. BUT the fact that she couldn't be BOTHERED to call and let you know they would NOT attend after all? THAT, right there, would bother me.

And for her to dismiss it? Sorry, that lady would be NO longer be regarded as a friend.

As for not giving you a gift? Meeh, I wouldn't care. She didn't CARE enough about you to SHOW up for this BIG DAY so WHY care about a present? The fact that YOU took time and money to give her a GREAT gift for her 50's doesn't MEAN she owes you a gift. THAT was your choice. Do not GIFT someone in order for them to GIFT you back.

It would be bye-bye for me with this lady.

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