A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for a 1.5 years and we are compatible in almost every way.Both of us are in our early 30's. My sex drive is still very high and I always want some no matter how tired or overworked I am. I am agnostic and she is a very dedicated christian.My girlfriend is a virgin and I pretty much have to teach her everything when foreplay and saving intercourse for marriage.The problem is, we sometimes go on for weeks without her touching me. Her excuse is usually "I'm tired" or "I'm not feeling well."I have talked to her about this and she assures me that she will give me all the sex I want when we are married. Personally, I really don't know if that's going to be true since things are most new when we are dating and I am already getting these excuses. I can only imagine it would only get worse over time as the "new" feeling fades. I really love this girl and she is one of the rare few that does not know how to lie.In general, when I deal with life, if one person / company does not serve their purpose, they get replaced with someone that has common goals that will serve the purpose. Logically speaking, that is the best thing to do to get to where I want to get in life since I am not letting anybody stop me from achieving my goals. However, with a relationship, I should not be doing that as it will keep me a bachelor for the rest of my life. I don't mind being a bachelor all my life but it is nice to come home to someone that loves me.I have already mentioned to her about some couples having an open sexual relationship and they still love each other. Personally, I think it would be perfect if I can exercise this but she told me that she could not live like that as she cannot separate sex and love.I know this girl will love me with all she's got and no matter what happens, I will take care of her. However,when it comes to the sex; I am having trouble making a decision on what I should do since it does not look bright going forward. Any advice is appreciated.Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to start by thanking everybody that took the time to read / respond to my question.Dispite all the different answers, I learned something from every response.In general, a perfect life now does not guarantee a perfect life indefinately. An imperfect life does not guarantee that it will forever be imperfect. The decisions I make in life will have to be based on what is important for the long run.Dispite how hard it is to not get any sex, I have to say that sex is everywhere and easy to find. Having someone that is compatible almost every other way is even more important. The later is definately a lot harder to find and I really treasure her for it.Sometimes my mind does stray when the hormones surge but my logic always brings me back home.I have decided to accept this girl for who she is and see if she can meet me half way on topics we do not necessarily agree on.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): I was in a very similar situation before I got married. My fiance told me that after we were married she'd wear me out, that we'd have sex constantly, that I just had to trust her, etc. She also made plenty of excuses for her lack of interest in sex that sound almost identical to what you're being told.
A couples counselor told me before we got married that in over 30 years of counseling she had never once seen sex get better after a couple got married. We were definitely not the couple to break her unbroken string of 30 plus years of sex not improving after marriage.
After we got married my wife said she just wasn't very interested in sex anymore, etc. She didn't give excuses any more, she just said "no", and refused to discuss it or see a counselor about it.
I'd be very, very, very, very, very skeptical about a women who says she'll like sex once you're married even though she shows few signs of interest before marriage.
My wife liked to say before we got married "who would buy a cow when they can get the milk for free?" I say "A cow that doesn't produce milk before you buy it won't produce any milk after you buy it either."
In my opinion, if you do decide to marry this woman, only do it if you are completely comfortable with lackluster, boring sex about once or twice a month after you're married (for the rest of your life).
I also suggested an open relationship, but my wife said she'd divorce me.
Keep in mind that you'll get F'd over big time in family court if you do get divorced. This isn't something you want to try as an experiment.
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A
female
reader, HughHefner'sPlaymate  +, writes (2 July 2012):
 I hope she's not using sex as a weapon to get you to marry her.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (1 July 2012):
 Let me just tell you this - your desire for sex will NEVER leave your 'system', not in 5 years, not ever. You will always want sex, sex is a natural part of a relationship and if you are not sexually compatible then you are not comptaible as a couple.
It seems like you clearly love her and are very concerned you will never meet anyone better, but think logically here - you are still fairly young, there are millions of women on this planet therefore the chances that you have met the only 'one' woman who is right for you is impossible. There will be plenty of other women out there who you could love just as much as her, and will give you the sex life you want. I know she is the most compatible woman you have met SO FAR, but there is plenty of time and opportunity for you to meet someone who can meet your needs both sexually and emotionally.
However you are just settling for her out of fear that you wont meet anyone better. You are resigning yourself to a life of sexless misery simply because you are too afraid to take a chance and see what else is out there. As the other answers have said, your sex life is only going to get worse once you are married, and as the years go on you will become more and more resentful towards her. You wont be able to hide your anger at making the mistake of marrying her, which will upset her further and make her withold sex even more. You will eventually lose the 'love' you have for her because you wont be able to see past the misery she is causing you. Then you will be stuck in a loveless AND sexless marriage. That is about the worst place to possibly be in.
But you have an opportunity to avoid this, if you just be brave and admit that this is not working. No amount of love for another person can overcome the fact that you are not happy with your relationship, no amount of love can overcome your natural sexual urges. The longer this goes on, the more your love will fade, and the more frequent your thoughts of other women will become. You will hate yourself for thinking about other women but you will hate her too for not giving you the physical side of the relationship that you need. It may well end up with you cheating, and imagine how much that will hurt both of you.
Sex is a natural and normal part of a relationship, it is 100% necessary in a relationship and without it a whole host of problems will occur. It wont just be the lack of sex that is a problem, there wont be much intimacy so you will feel distant from her and the closeness that should be in a relationship will be missing. You will become more like friends than lovers, and that feeling will only get worse as the relationship/marriage goes on.
There is nothing worse than living life with regrets, and I can tell you now you will regret settling and regret marrying her. Do the right thing and accept there is not much more than a close friendship here, and move on.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (30 June 2012):
 Dear original poster,
Thanks for the follow up. You do seem more committed to her than the trust level in your first post would indicate. You are struggling, not so much with whether or not she is a good choice as with whether or not you are ready to settle down.
I think that society puts too much value in the idea of a period of sexual exploration. They claim that it reduces your need to wander later. There is also evidence that it reduces your ability to form strong attachments later.
About sexual compatibility. It has been my experience that sexual drive levels vary a lot over time. Choosing or rejecting a partner whose drive matches yours now, is no guarantee that it will match in as little as 5 years.
She is committed to the idea of your sexual happiness. She does know how to keep her commitments. That should be some comfort to you.
There will always be some friction in the marriage due to the religion difference. she will always hope that some day you will change and go to church with her and the kids. To be a good father you will need to attend important church functions with them. You two should be talking about that.
That's all I have time for this morning.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank everybody for your response. I have already taken the time over the last few months to consider most of the things brought up here.Sometimes I wonder if I really am settling because of the complications but again, who is really a perfect match. If I always look for a perfect match, I will always be alone because there will always be someone better. Don't get me wrong, at this point in my life, I don't mind being a bachelor all my life but I am sure that will change as I get older.Out of all the girls I've meet, I must say that she is the most compatible with the way I am. To answer the question by one of the response above. Yes, she says I make her insecure because of how I am. She does not feel that I need her because my life always seems normal/good with or without her around. She has dreamed of me cheating on her even though it has never happened. The thought of lusting after other women has crossed my mind many times but I have not done it due to personal morals and I love her too much to do it to her.When I was in my 20's, I never got it out of my system. Instead, I worked hard to get to where I am today. Now that I am in my 30's, I really want to explore before the opportunity ends for whatever reason let it be marriage or health. The perfect situation is if I meet this girl 5 years from today when the desire for sexual exploration out of my system. Unfortunately, I can't turn back the clock and if I let her go, I do not think I will run into another girl that is as compatible as her.I know that it is a big risk I am taking and I really don't know what to do. I can say that by default, I will end up marrying this girl and I hope that I don't regret it.All I can say is, maybe time good advise will help me make the best decision.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 June 2012):
 She's a virgin, in her early 30s, and she doesn't reach for you for weeks. Um, you know what her sex drive is. It's virtually nil. If you want to feel loved via sexual desire on her part, you will be waiting a very long time. Coming home to a happy roommate is likely what it will feel like.
She's just not all that into sex, I think. If it's important to you, I think it's time to really and truly, no holds-barred, sit down and TALK about it with her. Discuss. Listen. Ask. Listen some more.
But pay attention to the actions, not just the words.
My guess is she would be better off with another guy who doesn't have as high a sex drive as you do. I mean, you've been together for 18 months, you should be in the honeymoon period, the hot and heavy courtship phase, and here you are, contemplating an open marriage already. Seriously, it sounds like you're trying to patch up a collapsed wall with some masking tape and a lot of hopeful, wishful thinking. Wishful thinking isn't going to sort this out for you. You are going to have to be very realistic, I think.
You would be better off with someone with a higher sex drive and she'd be better off with someone who will be okay with occasional sex and who has to initiate ALL the time.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 She is a very dedicated Christian ?... apparently not as much as you think, if she " touches " you and does " foreplay " , albeit not often. She is not supposed to- she is supposed to save EVERYTHING for after married. Not just her hymen. Now, most Christians disregard that totally, or they disregard it to some extent - at times a large extent- and have this do-it-yourself version of VI commandment that stops justshort of intercourse . But, last time I checked , - very recently actually, I was just reading an article about it last week- the Christian Church, both Catholic and Protestant, considers ANY intimate activity leading to arousal and consequently to orgasm as a sin contra sextum ( against the 6 th ) They are even STILL debating about French kisses, because , if it's true that in the context of a loving committed relationship blah blah, they can be considerate ammissible intimate expressions of love and closeness blah blah- yet , basically, it's true that people get hard ons when they French kiss - and then, who knows what may happen.
All this long preamble to say : have you considered that maybe simply she does not want to sin ? She is doing the typical passive aggressive thing, because as a strict Christian she is not supposed to play with your body or let you play with hers, as a woman she understand how a total absolute asexuality would scare you off and push you away , so she feels she needs to throw you a bone every now and then- as seldom as possible. She just does not want to come up and say it in so many words,... ergo the numerous " Not tonight, I have got a headache ".
As for, will she become more sexual after marriage ? Go figure. Personally I would not dream to marry someone I haven't had sex with, same as I would not buy a car without test driving it.
Then again, it went that way for centuries in Western societies, and it's still like this in so many African, Middle Eastern and Asian countries. And I don't want to think that all the sex lives of these billions of people SUCK. Maybe with time patience and tenderness you can take raw material and fashion out of it your ideal sex mate- why not, love makes even bigger miracles.
It's still a big risk though , so you have to decide if all her good qualites are enough to make her worth taking it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 June 2012):
 I have never known it to get better after marriage (the sexual frequency)
I will respect anyone who wants to save sex for marriage but to me that means saving any and all genital contact not just intercourse. And then the rub is that you don't know if they will be sexually compatible with you afterwards. It's a risk you take.
Personally my take on it is that if someone is saving themselves they would still have the DRIVE to have relations and therefore would push a wedding date up so that they can be intimate.
Maybe my view is wrong but I think that some folks who are of a low sex drive or who are truly sexually inhibited use the "saving it for marriage" line as a way to avoid sexual contact that makes them uncomfortable.
My partner and I live together and we go weeks and weeks without sexual intercourse but we have daily cuddles and kisses and we have mutual sessions of pleasure as well as separate times too...
OP, I'm going to be honest with you, open marriage will not work... I know of three marriages where it's worked all married over 20 years but both partners wanted it and went into it before they were married... my marriage did not survive as an open marriage for several reasons and now in my current relationship there is a NO SHARING policy.
Personally I think you have a very good reason to be worried that your sex life is always going to be on her terms and I'd tread lightly and carefully.... I'm sorry to say this... but I don't think you should stay with her.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (29 June 2012):
"we are compatible in almost every way."
Except, you don't trust her.
The idea that you would accept an open sexual relationship and she would find it repulsive is also a major incompatibility.
I would advise against further involvement.
FA
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (29 June 2012):
I can appreciate that she is a strict christian and believes in no sex before marriage, but this brings up one very large problem - you have no idea before you get married if you are sexually compatible. And you CANNOT commit to someone for the rest of your life if you dont know whether you are sexually compatible or not, because sex is a major part of a happy marriage.
I very much doubt she will suddenly want lots of sex when you are married, if she is coming up with lots of excuses now to get out of touching you at all, then she is going to find even more excuses not to have sex with you. I have seen a few questions on this site where men have been in the same position as you, but have gone ahead and got married but things have not got any better.
See this question:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/she-said-once-we-were-married-the-sex3.html
There is the difference that his wife was not a virgin, but the excuses sound the same as the ones your girlfriend is making and it is clear he made a mistake in marrying her.
I think if you are being realistic here, you are simply not compatible with this woman. Your religous views dont match, your sex drives dont match and getting married would be a risk that is too big to take. It would be best to end the relationship and learn a lesson from this - never date a woman who is so fundamentally different from you. If you are an atheist and enjoy sex, then find a woman who you can have sex with before you commit to getting married so you can check you are compatible and are going to have a happy marriage.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): For me, my relationship has to be equitable. My partner has to actually feel lust for me as I lust for her. Your GF doesn't seem to lust after you at all. If she doesn't want to marry you by now, I suggest breaking up. Actually, I would just break up. There's no sexual desire on her part. If you ever have a baby with her, get a DNA test after it's born. You may not be the father.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (29 June 2012):
 'I really love this girl and she is one of the rare few that does not know how to lie'
What do you think she's doing when you ask for her to touch you and she says she's tired or not feeling well???
I can understand you being frustrated sexually but you are approaching your relationship like it's some kind of military operation that you alone control!!!
The facts are :She wants to wait until married to have sex with you (Her right, her choice, her perogative)
You know this and have accepted it kinda, but now you are panicking that the sex might not be so great or be what you need, but by then it will be too late cos you married her!!!
She makes excuses not to 'touch' you because she is trying to maintain her beliefs and you, putting pressure on her and suggesting an open relationship is really super unfair.
I take it you'd not allow her to induge in an open relationship with another man...so we are just talking about your needs and not hers???
She is telling you she cannot separate sex and love because NO woman can separate sex and love, it's how we are wired, it's how we are made.
You are a guy, guys love sex, it's how they are wired. To me it seems simple, your goals and her goals are different, so you should not be together.
If you are really truly in love with her then you WILL wait until marriage (thousands of men do this)...but bringing in a substitue???...bad move.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): "She goes weeks without touching me but promises me we'll have plenty of sex once married"
While I respect her choice to remain a virgin until marriage, her lack of physical affection and lame excuses indicate she's lying and you'd be a fool to marry her based on an empty promise she has given you no reason to believe she will back up.
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