A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. This may be a bit long-- but please bare with me.I'm very shocked. I found out yesterday I am pregnant. I'm 24 and very fortunate to be in a good well paying job with a good maternity package also. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He is 38. Since Last June things were rocky, I found out he had cheated. He spent the next 6 months proving how sorry he was but just after Xmas it all got too much for him - he couldn't handle how upset I still was about it and me shoving it in his face, and he chucked me out. I was livid and thought it was pathetic. Anyway we continued to see each other a bit and a month later got back together but I haven't moved back in. Things have been going great, I was pleased we got back together and thought us being apart for a bit was the best thing that could have happened for our relationship. So fast forward to yesterday... I got the shock of my life as I am on the pill. I came up to tell him and he went mental at me telling me he doesn't want kids and I should know this. Which I do, and I didn't plan any right now either. So I took all sorts of shouting then he says he wishes he had never got back with me and ended our relationship right then, said if I have the baby we won't be doing it together, he will support the child but doesn't want me. I am totally dumbstruck. He has spent the last few hours telling me he would rather i didn't have the baby as we are not in any fit relationship for a baby. He doesn't want me any more than a few days a week, he was happy the way things were with us, and he is going to get such a slagging at work as apparently everyone told him this would happen to him. I can't believe it and think his behaviour is disgusting for a man his age. I am nervous and shocked but this baby didnt ask for this and I would like to go ahead. What am I going to do? I haven't told anyone yet. He then suggested if I have the baby we live here in seperate rooms and then we are both involved. I just don't know. His mother hates me and he has made it plain she won't want the baby either. I'm devastated. How can he just end a relationship because I'm pregnant?
View related questions:
at work, got back together, the pill Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): No disrespect OP but if he is 38 and he is having a relationship with a 24 year old then that shows how immature he really is. In the nicest possible sense most sensible, mature, responsible 38 year old men would appreciate how young and inexperienced 24 year olds actually are.
Ive no issue with age gap relationships but not when one is a man of nearly forty and the other is 24 and, with respect, from what you've written still naïve and idealistic.
He is clearly very immature, lacking responsibility and has walked away because he can. Ceberus has hit the nail right on the head!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): "I just expected a bit more of him, as in, I didn't expect him to pass all the blame to me for everything including the past when we are both at fault."
Really OP?
You expected more from a guy who cheated on you and who bad mouths you so much that his mother, friends and work colleagues slag him about you and hate you?
You really are naive OP.
People don't just dislike someone's partner unless that person has been bad mouthing them behind their back.
Who did you think he was going to blame? I mean sure, it takes two to tango and you can't be blamed for failed contraceptive but he's hardly going to blame himself is he? He thinks you're dirt OP otherwise why does everyone he know think that of you?
Call all the lawyers you want OP it's so very obvious he's the boss here. He's gotten away with so much with you, he mentally abuses you, threatens you, has cheated, dumps you in a heart beat, everything is on his terms yet somehow you think you have a say in all this?
You need to take a long hard look at why you put up with all this shit and why you let him have so much power over you. You may well be a mother soon, if you think he's bad now just wait until he starts making demands and dragging you through the courts system. Not only that but he's already shown how much of an inconsiderate dick he's going to be about this.
Imagine what it'll be like to have his mother, friends and him all bad mouth you in front of your own child, just think the kind of attitude your own kid may well develop towards you by having them in their life. Shit OP, all the maternity leave in the world isn't going to make this in any way fun. You have a long, hard life of struggle with an asshole in it forever.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): Thank u all for ur replies. I would like to add I did not expect us to "live happily ever after" I just expected a bit more of him, as in, I didn't expect him to pass all the blame to me for everything including the past when we are both at fault. It's something he didn't want and something I didn't want right at this minute but this is happening and we have to deal with this, he for one is behaving like a 16 year old boy. I have already consulted a lawyer to get some advice - which has upset him but we have to have rules in motion here. Thanks again
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): He is 38, divorced with I assume no children.He cheated on you,then threw you out of his home.He then decided he would see you when it suited him, you agreed.His mother doesn't like you and thinks all women want to trap him.He had made it clear he did NOT want kids.His view of the relationship is so different to your view plus its all on his terms.NOW you announce your pregnant.Did you honestly think he would marry you and live happily ever after? You're not even living together anymore.Just dump him he is NOT in this for the long haul.Get the finances settled make sure he pays up. Do not move into his spare room because when he dates other women that will cause you pain and the baby will suffer.Create a home and life for you and the child.
...............................
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (24 April 2013):
 So you didn’t get the message when he cheated, plus he and his Mother think everyone wants to “trap him.” Why is that; is it because this 38 year old is such a prize catch!? One would have to either desperate or conniving to trap the likes of this rat?Sure enough your predicament is unfortunate for all concerned because you didn’t ditch him when he cheated, he actually chucked you out! And you could have acted wiser? But for his Mother to hate you and he has made it plain she won't want the baby either, that is truly a family of disgust. Now you can see where he gets it from? As what Mother is that poisonous about her Grandchild, rightly or wrongly!?For now you get some clear thinking about which direction you want to go with this pregnancy as it’s not a toy to be played with in light of this family… don’t believe a single word about his cosy idea of living conveniently in separate rooms etc. He’s still a rat from before and doesn’t seem to act or think responsibly. Take Care – CAA
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2013): Why would you trap a man into coming back with you, when, he is ALREADY back together with you?? He is not mature for a man of his age, he is happy to be with you, until, he finds out you are pregnant. Says it all honey. Lose him - for good.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (23 April 2013):
 SVC is correct. If the thinking of his mom is that his ex-wife had to "trap" him in order to marry him, it's clear that the guy was spoiled from day one.
This guy is 38. He will never change. He can never improve. He will never be good partner material, because he was raise since birth for selfishness to be his one defining trait. His mom indulged him everything.
Love your new baby. Make sure the baby's father supports it financially to the fullest extent. As for you, leave the guy . Don't ever let him touch you again. He is going nowhere and taking you with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 April 2013):
 I think that
a. he reacts then thinks
b. he over reacts
c. he does not want to be a dad
d. he thinks he's all that and a bag of chips (he is not) and you are so DESPERATE to keep him that you got pregnant on purpose. (I do not based on your shock and the fact that you are on the pill think you did it on purpose)
I personally think you should end it with him totally and prepare to be a single mom. I also think that you will be surprised at how his mom reacts after the initial shock wears off. He may not be a good dad and she may not like you but it's still going to be her grandchild (and as a mom with a son who is not planning on having kids I would be thrilled to have a grand baby and be involved even if my kid was not)
Sadly he can't just end the whole relationship with you. He will always be tied to you now with this child.
I do think he was never going to be fully committed to you based on what had transpired. You were seeing each other but not living together and that was working... I'm betting had you moved in together again it would have gotten bad again. But the world will never know.
How could he just end it because you are pregnant... well maybe he never intended to move in again with you and maybe he's using this as a way out.
What I would do if you plan to remain pregnant and keep your child (I sense that's your plan)
let his mother know she's going to be a grandmother
let him know other than what is legally required of any parent you want NOTHING from him. (AND mean it)
IF he does not want a child he may not be a good parent and it may be better for him to have little or no contact with his biological child. On the other hand, after the baby is born, he MAY change his mind (do not count on it)
best thing to do would be cut him out as much as you can and get a lawyer to draw up the necessary paperwork to outline support payments which I would have taken directly from his salary and sent to you so that you do not have to have contact with him and listen to him whine and complain about how you tried to trick him etc.
I would NOT live with him
I would NOT date him
I would NOT have anything to do with him.
he may come around and change his mind but to be honest, even if he does, he will always harbor resentment and a belief that you did this on purpose and every time you fight he will throw it in your face.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2013): Imagine you didnt want something, like a job you know you would hate or a sick relative to take care of, or something that you really really don't want, and someone makes it happen to you. This is what this situation is, and as much as he sounds like a negative person for not wanting to be with you, but this is what it is for him. He is willing to support this baby financially, but his feelings toward you are not to the point that he wants to marry you. He was satisfied with how things were and that was enough for him.
I think he also needs to get used to this fact. My husband kept on postponing babies forever until I desided that it's time and was very firm about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2013): I should have added that he is the type of man that think everyone wants to "trap him" when I first met him that's all I got from him.. And his mother.. The one and only occasion I met her... Oh that ex wife of his planned to trap and marry my son the day she met him!
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (23 April 2013):
 Hi
He clearly isn't planning on being a dad so this shock has probably made him think you have done it on purpose, which by the sounds of it his colleagues had predicted you would.
I know it's a shock for you too,not planned, but you welcome a baby, he doesn't want one with you. He hasn't dealt with the news in an adult way and that doesn't help you either. I am sure as time progresses he will calm down and provide financially, but doesn't sound like he will alter his views.
As you have a good package at work for maternity leave you will at least have a job to go back to after the birth and so,be able to support yourself as a single mum if that's what you decide.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2013): "How can he just end a relationship because I'm pregnant?"
Very easily.
Biology allows a male the luxury of walking away from an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy resulting from an unstable, tenuous, volatile relationship.
Unfortunate consequence when a woman allows her ex to continue to use her as a piece on the side with no obligation or no commitment.
I have to agree with Honeypie, I can't rule out possibility that you subconsciously wanted to get pregnant so you could lure/trap him into coming back to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (23 April 2013):
 He sounds like the sort of person who flies off the handle at the slightest thing - if he broke up with you because you were upset over him cheating then he doesnt exactly sound like a nice, caring rational man! He sounds very irrational, quick to get angry and make rash decisions.
I am inclined to say give him a week, dont speak to him and let him calm down. This is going to be a massive shock for him, he has told you he doesnt want kids so to be told that he is going to be a dad that will be a HUGE deal. I know its not your fault and the contraception failed, but you have to understand when an unwanted pregnancy occurs it is VERY hard for the man. He will know that ultimately he has no control over the decision you make, so he doesnt get to control his future - and having a child will make a MASSIVE impact on his future.
He doesnt want kids, so to force him to be a father is going to make him act like an idiot to be honest. Its not an excuse, he shouldnt react so badly - but you can understand why. Not everyone deals with bad news and stress very well, its not like you both were trying for a child and this is happy news - that will be the worst news he could ever hear, hence the bad reaction.
What do you do now? Give him some space to calm down. See if he comes round and apologises. In the mean time think about what you want to do - sounds like you will be a single mum if you have the child, and the child is going to be brought into a world where the parents and grandparents are fighting (if grandma hates mom, dad hates mom, mom is upset all the time because of mom and grandma....that is not a good environment for a child). You have to do what is right for you, and of course it is your decision at the end of the day but this child is 50% his, and he doesnt want children - so you will have to keep in mind that you will be bringing an unwanted child into the world and again that will have a negative effect on the child.
If you do go ahead and have the child, and he still doesnt want a relationship with you - then you have to accept this, get some legal advice to sort out custody and access, and then look for a place for you and the child to live. You cant live with your boyfriend/ex when you are not together, that would be an awful environment for you and wouldnt be the right way to raise a child, where mum and dad hate each other and fight all the time.
I'm not trying to make excuses for him, and yes the baby didnt ask for this - but keep in mind that he didnt ask for this either, he doesnt want kids so to be forced into having a child is not a nice situation to be in. You might come back and say that you are not forcing him to be involved, but by bringing his child into the world he is automatically financially responsible and will feel emotionally obligated towards the child - so he cant just 'not be involved'. If you choose to keep it, you force his hand on the matter. So while he is old enough to know better and shouldnt be so irrational, you can forgive him a little because this is an awful situation for him to be in and no-one should have their future decided for them by another person.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 April 2013):
 I think he is using the baby as an excuse to end it. Yes, he didn't want a baby and maybe felt you got pregnant on purpose? As it's kind of hard to prove you didn't (and hard to prove you did).
I think if I were you, I would prepare myself for being a single mom (if you choose to keep and raise the baby). Because he doesn't legally have to do anything more then help financially.
I know the baby didn't ask for this, neither did you, neither did he.
Seems like he has already made his mind up that you were goo enough to sleep with, but not good enough to start really dating again, so him changing his mind because of the baby is slim, I'm sorry.
...............................
|
