A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone.Please can you give me some advice.I have been with my GF for about 3 mnths. She is from Italy and has gone home there for a month. we spoke on skype and she told me that she had seen her ex at the weekend. she then told me that although he was an 'ex' for about a year, they still regularly slept together when they were in the same place. (this was not directly following - it was later in the conversation).she said that she told him this time that she was with someone else (me) and that she didnt want to do anything with him anymore.we spoke about it quite openly - at least i think she was being open and she said that she still had feelings for him and that she was feeling sad because her 'relationship' had changed with him.i asked her if anything happened between them this time and she assured me it had not.she also assured me that she was happy with me.i feel bad though that she still 'has feelings' for someone else. is this normal? she said the last time they slept together was at xmas. but they 'split up' over a year ago.all my ex's i'm comletely over and have no feelings for at all.im not sure what to think.its difficult cos we're so far apart at the moment.i can't change the way she feels so any advice on what i should do or what i should think would be great. she still wants to talk so doesnt appear to want space, etc.i dont know.thanks.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (23 April 2013):
 Actually, I think she is being honest with you. She had a problem letting go of her ex, even though a year had passed since the breakup, she still had sex with him and had kept ties.
It's good that she lives half of a world away from her ex, and this time, she's got you which she didn't have before. She's there now, and her telling you she still has feelings is normal. She told him she's done with him and has you, so that is a good sign.
I'm going to venture a big guess here -- was this ex her "first"? As in, before she met him, she was a virgin? That sometimes plays into the desperation after getting dumped by a "first", and could explain why she tried to hang onto him for a long time after breakup.
I somehow think she won't mess with him UNLESS she tells you she keeps contacting him (or vice versa) while she's away. One meeting to tell him she's done with him and that she's moved on could very well be closure, and the feelings she feels could be one of those residual "echos", sorta like if you spent the day with a headache that was really bad for a couple of hours, but then it goes away, leaving you feeling weak with the "ghost" of a headache.
I'm thinking she feels the ghost of the past feelings, but she has you now. She's being honest with you, and that is good for trust. She's not pulling away from you either, and that's an even better sign. I say trust her until there's a reason not to.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2013): She has not really moved on after she broke up with her ex. She remained friends with benefits with hopes her ex would come back to her. This is a situation that could turn on you at any time. Who knows? She is re-opening her heart.Remaining friends with benefits is often what people do out of desperation. When it's too hard to accept a breakup. They are convinced in the back of their minds their ex will return someday. The truth is, they aren't coming back.She went home and I highly doubt that she didn't see him. I highly doubt she has completely cut ties. Emotionally, that is. Her reassurance is so you will not have reason to worry or pressure her with your doubts.You are always going to remain insecure in this relationship; because you can't read her mind. She has only been your girlfriend for three months; so you really haven't had much time to really get to know her, or how her mind works. She is also in a new country and making some emotional adjustments. Your patience is essential. If she is as young as you are, she is ruled more by her heart than by reason. So cutting off a man she slept with even after they broke up, says she has issues with separation. She has not entirely moved on; but she is making an effort. For now, give her a chance. Try to bury your concerns until you see any true reason to doubt how she feels about you. You may as well end it now, if you're always going to be the suspicious boyfriend. You've chosen to commit to her and you are aware of her past. Her ex is in Italy, so you've got a better chance of winning her heart fully.Give it a chance. She will always love him. Just make it easier for her to fall in love again. This time it's with you.
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A
female
reader, HeresBoo  +, writes (23 April 2013):
 It's totally normal for her to still have feelings for her ex, after all they shared a past together. And when you don't end a relationship properly (I.e. her still sleeping with him) you don't cut off those feelings as directly as most people would.
I am still good friends with my exes but don't sleep with them.
It's good that she's so honest you and up front, and she obviously realises the relationship between her and her ex has to change, which is also good.
Just as long as she sticks to being loyal and happy with you and doesn't cross lines :)
I know it's hard, but there are a lot of good signs here.
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