A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am happily engaged to an amazing man; we are getting married this coming October. He is my best friend, and an incredible person. I love him so much, and the thought of him being hurt is just too much for me to bear.However, when it comes to sex, we are on two different planets. He is very "vanilla" in his interests, and while I enjoy the occasional straightforward romp, I find myself wanting more. I'm into BDSM (I'm on the submissive side), and while he has attempted to get into this with me, he says he is just not comfortable being dominant or engaging in this type of thing at all.This side of my sexuality is becoming harder to ignore. I never thought I would be the type of person who cheats (and I haven't yet), but the temptation is so huge. What should I do? If I cheat, does that really make me awful?Thanks in advance for your insight. PS. If you can't be helpful and can only be hurtful and judgmental, you can click away now.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (3 January 2014):
 Maybe when you talk to him you two can find a middle-ground of what HE feels comfortable with that at the same time gives you some kink.
For someone who hasn't the "taste" for kink it's quite an adjustment. So maybe start with little things and add on as he feels more comfortable (if he is at all comfortable with a little kink in the bedroom).
You say you want to make the choice HIM over BDSM and I think that might work, temporarily. Which is why I suggest you talk about adding just a little kink to the sex-life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank everyone who wrote in and answered my question. I didn't find any of your answers to be judgmental - some of you just gave me a little tough love, which I needed.
I've been reflecting on your answers, and on how I feel, and I do know deep down that cheating is not the answer, and not a good idea. I think you're all correct in saying that a conversation is in order, and I plan to do just that when the time is right.
Bottom line: I would rather give up that particular sexual desire than lose him.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (3 January 2014):
Dear OP,
My advice: Talk to your partner.
And be very honest. You are engaged, dear, and that means you both should be able to live together for the rest of your lives without having secrets and without lying to each other. You don't want to start a marriage with someone when the only option for longterm happiness is cheating and hiding your true self.
Tell him what you just told us, that there is this sexual desire for BDSM and you can't ignore it anymore. Thank him for his earlier trials to share this side with you, and accept his boundaries.
Tell him you want/need BDSM in your life but you don't want to lose him either, because you love him. That way, you give him a choice to accept you, for who you are, to accept your dilemma and live with it somehow.. or to say "this is too much to handle/too complicated" and leave you.
In the most ideal case, you both can work out a kind of compromise.. e.g. that you'll get yourself a male dom, but that you are only allowed to do certain things with him and see him in a special setting. Or that he'll try again (but that's very unlikely).
In the less ideal case, you can't find a compromise and either you'll have to give up BDSM or leave him. Or he'll break up with you.
See it that way: The relationship is at risk either way. But if you're honest about your wishes and desires, you are 200% more fair towards your partner. And if the both of you will ever break up, it will be on better terms. What makes people really bitter and heartbroken is when they find out most of their relationship was a lie and they've been betrayed.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 January 2014):
Different interests do not justify moral transgressions.
Proceed accordingly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2014): OP sexual incompatibility is a deal breaker and so is cheating. Cheating will only kill this relationship so I have no idea how you consider that a solution.
So your choice is simply between getting married to a guy who has given you permission to fulfil your sexual needs elsewhere or find a guy you work with sexually.
I'm not judging you OP but you sound lazy, you know that an unsatisfactory sex life won't work but you also don't want the hassle of finding a guy you can work with.
Yes cheating will make you awful, but so would your guy not fulfilling your needs sexually and expecting you to stay with him.
I have a feeling your cheating idea is more desperation than poor morals, because I think you know you can't spend the next 40-50 years cheating on this guy and not get caught. You know it's wrong, you know it's not workable and you know that it would hurt him more than you not feeling you can continue.
OP my wife is an amazing woman too, I love her to the point of almost worshipping her and we're compatible in all ways. Even the things where we are opposites we compliment each other instead of denying each other. In all the important ways; sexually, emotionally, morally, intellectually and in terms of sense of humour we work really well. I could not have married her if one of those was missing. You can't either and you know it.
Unless he can tap into that into his 'shut your mouth you filthy bitch' side then he's going to lose you and that's something you have make clear to him. OP it'll hurt him a lot more if you don't discuss this with him and the thing explodes. You need to make it clear to him that your sex life is incomplete and that it's not the basis of a good marriage. Basically OP you need to help him find a way out of his comfort zone and be willing to pin you down and "punish" you. Don't mention cheating, don't mention seeking it elsewhere just make it clear to him that your sex life is not enough for your marriage to work, you need your desires to be met by him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 January 2014):
 yes cheating and lying would be bad.
feeling the way you do is not bad... wanting a different sex life is not bad.
IF you stay with him and try to make it work without fixing this, you are setting yourself up for a world of pain.
If you can't be sexually happy with him, then you have several options.
NONE of which are stay and suck it up or stay and cheat later on.
Option 1
Go to him and seek permission to find lovers that entice you and keep you sexually pleased. This will probably NOT go over with him well.
Stay with him and live without sexual satisfaction. This will probably NOT go over well with you.
End the relationship since sexual compatibility especially at your age is critical to making a relationship work.
Asking folks for advice and telling them not to be judgmental or hurtful is really a very unrealistic request btw. WE don't know what will hurt your feelings.
The key is that YOU are the one who is going to be hard on yourself.
CHEATING and LYING are wrong. There is NOTHING you can say or do that will justify it.
Having affairs WITH PERMISSION is in my opinion perfectly acceptable. But I am betting it's not going to be ok for your fiance.
I would rather you leave him and hurt him now short term than stay with him and pretend to accept what is not acceptable and then later on give yourself permission to lie and cheat since you have "endured" this horrible fate of a lousy sex life.
Sometimes we have to make decisions we don't like. This is one of those times for you.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (3 January 2014):
Switch things around, and find out that your lover feels that way about you. See how that would make you feel.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (3 January 2014):
 It doesn't make you awful, but it would make him deserve more than to remain in a relationship with you. Cheating you violate the foundation of trust and honesty with are necessary for any relationship to work out.
You two need to find a medium. He has his ways and you have yours, and neither one of you may get all that you desire, but you can find a medium where you both give up a little to satisfy the other.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 January 2014):
The post below is correct. If you want to be with someone, realistically you need to be on the same page with something as important as sex. Sex is frequently overlooked as a problem within relationships and marriages, and the lack of it, or unwillingness to explore does lead to people cheating.
Is cheating wrong? Yes. It doesn't make you awful, but there is an inevitability you will be caught, and when that happens, you will see the pain it can cause. Let's face it, BDSM is hardly subtle, and you only need to come home with a mark on you and he will know. And I promise, when he works it out, that man you love will turn against you like you have never seen before.
There are also various other issues, such as STD's, the risk of your reputation being damaged etc. And, as a marriage is a long term thing (supposedly), what happens if you cheat later on when you have children and they find out, or at the very least get hurt.
At this stage, you're taking an almost short term view on the implications of the possibility of cheating. You're also taking a short term view on the idea of marriage. This urge you have won't just go away. So now, it's a question of whether this man is really the one you should be marrying. If you're not compatible enough with sex, you will end up in an unhappy marriage and it will break down one way or another.
My advice to you is to think very, very carefully about whether this man is right for you. To be honest, if the temptation to cheat is that huge, then there can be no way that he's right for you. I just don't see the point in going into a marriage and lying about being committed. It will just end in tears.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 January 2014):
 Although my intention is not to be judgmental, you might find my answer so, but this is a risk you have decided to take by posting your question in a public forum.
It is a bit like cheating on a partner you profess to love enough to marry, a risk, albeit not a very large risk.
If you feel your potential husband is not going to be able to satisfy your sexual needs then don't marry him, find somebody you are more compatible with. If you are sexually frustrated in your marriage if you are unable to discuss this with your husband your dissatisfaction will manifest in other ways, and the whole marriage will be a very unhappy sham.
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