| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Last night my boyfriend and I were watching TV. There was this movie where a guy was watching porn, and they showed the porn star a lot, with her huge boobs all over the place. I kind of got upset, but said nothing, yet my boyfriend picked up on it and asked what was wrong. I didn't want to talk, because he gets ANGRY whenever I bitch about porn stars and my body. So I told him nothing was wrong, that I didn't wanna talk about it. But he pushed it, so I told him. And he got angry, and told me I was a crappy girlfriend. He said it's not because my boobs aren't big enough, but because I always complain about that type of stuff and he feels he can't do anything. That he'd prefer to be with an uglier chick than me, but who was more relaxed than me about porn.I said nothing, I just let him vent. He told me I was awesome (personality-wise), but that he hates that I always complain about porn and such. That I'm stupid to care about that. That it's things like that which make me an awful girlfriend sometimes, unpleasant to be with. But I tried explaining to him that I hated that he thinks those girls are more attractive. He told me ALL guys prefer that type of girl (big boobs, small waist, round butt), but that if they didn't give in a bit then no guy would date because there aren't many girls who look like that. Is it normal that I feel like he's settling for me? He told me it would be like me wanting a more romantic guy. But I told him it was different, to know if a guy is more romantic than him, then I'd have to be in a relationship with another guy, whereas he can just go out and start checking out every girl with a huge pair. I can't control the size of my tits, and he has already commented before on how they've gotten smaller (without me ever asking). Then he tells me, "Oh, what have I done to you that you're so insecure?" Well, he's told me all that type of stuff before!Yes, he told me I'm pretty, but that he's not gonna lie to me and tell me that I'm the prettiest girl in the world, that he's well aware I'm not and that there are millions of more beautiful women out there. Even if it's true, what is the point in telling me? I didn't even wanna talk, and I didn't even ask if he thought I was the prettiest, and now I have to pretend everything's fine, when it's not. All that "I'm just being honest" crap from him last night crushed my already fragile self esteem. So just because I don't like porn I'm a crappy girlfriend? So he'd prefer dating another girl just because she'd be ok with porn, despite me having more in common with him? Because that's what he said, he said "You're great, we have tons in common, but sometimes I wish I was with a girl who wasn't as pretty or who didn't have much in common with me, but didn't give me crap about porn or other stuff I like".I feel like so much crap about my body, I actually cried today as I was showering, because my tits are nothing like the kind of tits he likes, because I feel like he feels he's doing me a favor being with me (the way he said all that last night made it feel like he lowered his standards to actually be with me). He said he doesn't care about bodies a lot, that he's not shallow, but come on? How does he honestly expect me to feel now everytime when we watch TV and there is a hot naked chick with a huge rack? I know he prefers big tits, he knows I feel inadequate about my own, yet he wants me to change and feel great about me being just average in his eyes? Last time I checked, no woman likes feeling like second best, and that's how he made me feel. It's like he doesn't care that I feel like that. He said he won't try to understand me, because what I feel is stupid, but he wants me to understand him and his "needs".Am I being unreasonable? Am I really a crappy girlfriend because I don't like porn and I don't feel comfortable with my body because he likes something different? Do honestly all guys prefer the porn star body type? What can I do? Should I get surgery? I feel disgusted with my body now, it's so freaking ugly! He told me he knew from day one that I'm not hot like a model, yet he decided to date me anyway, but I feel so damn ugly anyway. It feels like when people are married a long time and let go of themselves, and they love each other for who they are, but aren't really attracted to one another. But I'm 21. I'm not fat or anything, I just have small tits and a smallish ass. It's not that relationships are based on physical attraction, but it sure SUCKS that he thinks I'm just average and that he gets hard ons whenever he sees a busty girl bouncing in a bikini. Ugh, and now I remember that summer is coming (down here, Southern hemisphere) and surely we're going to the beach, how am I supposed to feel alright there with him having tons of girls to ogle?I'm probably not making much sense now, it's just I wish I looked more like what he prefers. I hate my body right now, I actually feel like crying.
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boobs, crush, insecure, porn, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mamaknowsbest  +, writes (28 November 2009):
you may hate me for saying this, but break it off with him, no guy deserves you if he ever makes you feel that low, cause even if you did get surgery, you will always find something about yourself you do not like. God made us imperfect but beautiful . you don't have to be perfect to be beautiful.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): to the anonymous female on 11/23. I am so happy you have a wonderful man, I wish I did . Your response was very well written. My oldest sister is extremely overweight and out of shape. Her husband adores her and thinks he is the luckiest man in the world. I feel I have had this issue however mainly after a horrible breakup. When you are in the right relationship, it does wonders for the mind and your self esteem. When it is the wrong relationship it causes the women to think like this. Why should we be comparing ourselves to women that are not real. They have everything done to surgically enhance and correct thier bodies.When sports illustrated came out a few years ago the girls boobs were perfect, it made me feel inadaquate as mine our not. I am certain they were implants as real breasts do not look like a sculpture. I feel so sorry that so much of a womens value has beeh her appearance. We all ned to change that. My advice to any girl is get as much education as you can. Take great care of your body through proper nutrition and exercize. Work with the body that is given to you and do not have surgery as it will only provide temporary happiness and can cause health problems. In addition be a fun person and most of all have self respect. We teach people how to treat us.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): Honey, not all men are like this. Never let a man tell you, "it's just how us guys are!"- it's a cop out, they are trying to make it seem like they have 3 billion people on their side so you can't possibly expect them to change. But it's just not true. Not all men like porn star bodies- men who are raised on porn and in a pornified culture (like ours) might like porn star looks- it's been ingrained in them since they hit puberty. But in other cultures, where the men AREN'T raised on porn, they DON'T like that look.
And even in our culture, there are plenty of men who don't like porn stars, too. My boyfriend of 6 years is not into it at all. He goes wild over my body- I have B cup breasts and big hips, a large ass (cellulite included) I'm not at all like a porn star and he LOVES ME to death. He thinks I am the most beautiful, sexy woman on the planet, and he constantly lets me know. I arouse him without even trying, he is so into my body. I'm not bragging at all, I am trying to let you see that you DON'T have to be a porn star in order to be happy with your body, OR to have a man worship you like a goddess. Small breasts are gorgeous and pretty, they look feminine and delicate and they stay perky and bouncy (my boyfriend always says he wants boobs that bounce, not swing) for a long time. Some men adore small breasts. Some men don't care at all for porn- my boyfriend and I rented some when we turned 18 (a few years ago) because we were, ya know, doing all the things you can do when you turn 18, and we ended up laughing at it together (we started out trying to have sex to it, like as stimulus, but neither of us could do it)- he thinks porn is cheesy and the women are awful looking (and acting).
My boyfriend would never tell me I'm not the most beautiful woman on the planet, because he believes it, truly believes it. I hated my body when we met, because I had seen porn stars and women on magazines and thought if I didn't look like that I'd never have a chance. I thought any man who went out with me would be "Settling". Until I met him...
He's not the only man out there that's like this. They are rare, and I know how lucky I am to find a man who doesn't have a porn fetish, since these days men are raised in a culture that shows porn on TV, in ads, in magazines, in films, it's everywhere- most men don't even know what real breasts look like until they start having sex with real women, all the women in the media are so fake.
And, I'm 21 as well, and I'd love to have a conversation with you properly because there is so so much I want to say to you but I don't want to ramble on any more than I already have. I just REALLY desperately wanted you to know that you don't have to look like a porn star to be a mans NUMBER ONE CHOICE. You can be at the top of someone's list, there is a man somewhere out there who will think you're the most beautiful woman on the planet and he will want nothing more than to love you and pleasure you and make you feel like you are really important to him. Don't settle for this loser who puts you down all the time. Don't settle for a man who is SETTLING for you- set him free and watch him struggle to find another woman who will put up with his bull! He won't find many! Soon he'll have to grow up and realise that he is just WRONG! And he'll wonder why so many other men are happy in relationships with women who don't look like porn stars, and he'll (maybe- he sounds pretty thick) realise that NOT ALL MEN WANT PORN STARS! They really don't. I promise.
I hope you feel better darling, I feel like I see SO MUCH of myself in your question and it really makes me sad to see. But at the same time glad I'm not the only woman who has had this struggle with her body image. I wish you luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): oh dear, he sounds like such a catch doesnt he? speaking to his girlfriend like that!
dump him, it sound to me like he will dump you in time, get in there first and dump him!
walk away from this insensitive, uncaring boy-friend? show him you have your own standards and he doesnt measure up himself!
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A
female
reader, desertrose899 +, writes (23 November 2009):
eh. It's really sad that women have to go through this. Pornography is just another way that women are used as sexual objects by men and you should feel affronted by it. I'm not going to get into a huge rant right now but if you ever want to talk about how sexist our society is I would love to have that conversation.
But he DID say that he loves your personality right? So that's a start. Your boyfriend seems a *bit* insensitive which is a problem because it seems like you're sensitive. You should both have a reasonable discussion. Tell him how insecure you are because you have been told all your life that you're supposed to look a certain way. Ask him if he thinks he's settling when he dates you, if he is, then maybe it's time to find a new boyfriend because you should never be 2nd best (and it'll lead to him cheating when he finds a "number 1" who wants him).
Not all guys prefer girls with a porn start body. Men and women are diverse and we don't have a generic "I like this" trait. For example I don't like romantic guys, I find them boring as hell. I love redheads whereas most my friends hate them.
A guy friend of mine constantly told me that he prefers girls that are more 'petite' and have smaller bodies.
Surgery is not the answer. Never has been and never will be. Don't get it.
Please just remember, you are not average. You deserve more than settling. A models body is extremely unattractive without clothes on and a porn stars body looks abnormal with clothes on. The majority of those pictures/videos you guys watch are doctored to make it look like the perfect woman. There is no such thing. Celebrate your womanhood and stand up for yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): I agree with Shasshie. Alot of the porn stars have fake, ballon popping boobs. In actuality they really do not lookd nice and natural at all and probably have huge scars underneath. In addition, except for medical reasons such as breast cancer why would a women have her breasts surgically cut and place plastic sacs in them so they look like two big balloons. I went throught this same issue. I am the only women in my family with big natural breasts and a nice shape and I am the only single one in the family. I would not be with a man unless he made me feel special. It is too bad women have to deal with the breast implant issue as it makes some women feel insecure. Who would want a loser that is into porn stars anyway. PLease get rid of this big loser!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 November 2009):
Everyone else is right. Dump him. What an ass for not caring about you. There are better guys out there.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): Yeah this is coming from a guy with a girlfriend who, admittedly, doesn't have the biggest bust which is a pretty big source of insecurity/self esteem issues for her so I know where you're coming from... and I'm sorry if you find this insulting but your bf is a douche.
Sure, in a perfect world both my gf and I would love her to have pornstar boobs (who wouldn't!), but she's still the most beautiful girl I've ever met in my life and your bf is a real jerk for making you feel like you're not.
I don't think you'd expect him to have the perfect 'gear' and to be incredible in the sack, so imagine how he'd feel if you just casually watched some hunky guys pleasuring a girl in a porno and made him feel inadequate for not being just like them! It's almost worth giving that a shot actually, so he knows how it feels!
Most guys will indulge in porn, we can't help ourselves, but it should never get to the point where a guy belittles his partner for not looking like the girls in his videos (if it's any consolation, I bet you have 100x the dignity and nowhere near as many STIs as those women).
-Don't put up with him putting you down anymore. You sound like a really cute girl and you deserve a guy who makes you feel beautiful.
-Easier said than done, but try not to feel jealous of women in pornos, because believe me you're better than them! You can definitely expect him to never watch (or even mention it) around you if you don't feel comfortable with it.
-And I know this may sound 'extreme'...but he's probably not going to change. I know you like this guy but he's never going to treat you how you deserve to be treated. Move on, there's plenty of other guys out there who would be honored to be your bf, rather than being an arsehole who feels like he needs to lower himself to your standards.
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A
male
reader, coldstove  +, writes (22 November 2009):
 not all guys are like that at all. i know plenty of guys who like al sorts of different looking girls. me personaly i dont like the porn star look i like small boobs and but. but he shouldent be putting you down about yours thats just low. i cant say you should break up with him or anything i dont know enough but i can say that you defenetly deserve to be treated better.
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A
female
reader, shaashiie +, writes (22 November 2009):
 Your boyfriend SHOULD make you feel like you're the most beautiful girl in the world. I'm sure you like to make sure that he feels wanted and needed, why can't he do the same for you? He disregards your feelings by saying the way you feel is stupid, and he won't listen to you. I would get rid of this guy, you can do better. I know you said your self-esteem is low, and maybe you believe you can't do better, but trust me, this guy is not the ideal man for you. If he was you would feel wanted and loved, not rejected and second-best.
I want you to know that how you feel is ok, you should not feel bad for feeling the way you do. The things he said to you are totally uncalled for and flat out wrong.
And babe no, not all men love the porn star body. There are a lot of men out there who love natural looking women.
And my last comment, if your man is ogling other women when he's with you that is complete and total disrespect for you. It's one thing to be watching tv and have a woman come on that's half-naked, neither of you can control that. If he is out in public with you looking every woman that walks by up and down, that's ridiculous.
Please, dump this guy. You will feel happier in the long run. He doesn't deserve an intelligent and beautiful woman like you!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): Im sorry to break this to you but he's a jerk. Luckily for us women, he's not correct about "all men want those type of girls". That is absolutely not true. And when you love someone, they are the most beautiful person in the world to you. Clearly he thinks of you more as an object than a person he loves. I understand how you feel, I would feel like second best too if I was in your situation. It's horrible to hear that your boyfriend is just "settling" and "lowering his standards" to be with you.
If I was you Id dump him. He better be a great amazing boyfriend in every other aspect than this for me to consider staying. Tell him you don't feel like settling down with second best either, that your standards for a boyfriend are actually higher than what he's offering. Either he can work for you and get his act together and not behave like a 10 year old, or you find someone better than him. I can asure you, there are plenty of men to whom you are the most perfect woman on earth. Dont waste time being with this looser.
This is what shocked me the most: "he's not gonna lie to me and tell me that I'm the prettiest girl in the world, that he's well aware I'm not and that there are millions of more beautiful women out there" He's got to be very much in love with himself to say something like that, and it shows absolutely NO respect for you. What he measures beauty with is clearly way off. Ask yourself if you really want to date a man with such a childish and twisted view of what beauty is?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): i'm in the same situation. Honestly i'm just like you. I'm doing a course at university with my boyfriend and the module was to do figure drawing where a woman would come in and strip completely naked and you had to draw her. I had to stand next to him with this really hot naked girl with huge boobs while he drew her. It has to be the worst experience i have ever had in my life. I felt aweful. He didnt HAVE to take the class it was optional for him, not for me. I spoke to him about it and i was so stressed out every class we went to. He didnt understand and he just either shouted at me or ignored me. I have a huge grudge against him now, to this day he still thinks he was right. He didnt care HOW badly i felt and wouldn't drop or change the subject. I was utterly depressed. I only have a size 32A and i'm 21 as well. I had to get him to stop watching porn when we started dating so i knew what he liked and how he felt about it. I know how you feel and i'm glad to feel that i'm not the only one in the world who has the problem.
He sounds like a dick and so is mine. I know everyone will probably tell you 'dump him'. I know it isn't as easy as that. I've been with mine for 2 years. I couldn't leave him. Maybe i will one day and i'll find the one for me. Until then i hope you find some comfort in knowing you arn't alone. Try to be happy with yourself. I know i am pretty and ive learned to like my body personally. It's only when i think of my body and what he likes is when i feel insecure. Try to block his feelings out of it. Remind yourself that your body is good. Be strong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): I'm sorry you are hurting but you are not alone. There are so many women that feel this way and there are no easy answers.
Don't get surgery because it won't make you feel any better about porn. Women are told they are insecure if they don't like porn, but every generation before this one was allowed to dislike porn without it being a reflected back onto them in a negative way.
There are many people that don't like porn because it degrades the human sexual act. This beautiful thing that god gave us to connect with another human being is degraded to the level of animalistic behavior. It's ok that you don't like it, really.
Your boyfriend's comments are ugly and he is immature. He is saying these things because he doesn't want to hear your opinion anymore, it conflicts with his. He is right about one thing, you are with the wrong guy. When you have such a huge difference of opinion about something, it brings conflict into the relationship where there may not have been any. If neither of you can change, then it is best to find someone that is more like you rather than going through life fighting and being aggravated, life is too precious to waste it in this fashion.
Find a man who is more sensitive about his comments. If they were racial slurs, he would most likely see the harm in his words, but some men have been taught that speaking about women as a sum of body parts is part of being a man's man. Being objectified is never ok.
You are perfect just the way you are and there is a man out there that thinks so...go find him :)
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (22 November 2009):
 Frankly I CAN understand a little bit where he us coming from as regards porn and your over reaction to it. Right or wrong porn is a fact of life now more than ever before, there is no avoiding it and you need to find a way to come to terms with it and with mens' reactions to it. Insecurity is always unattractive.
Having said that though, it seems to me, from your account, that your boyfriend has pushed this a little too far and that there probably is nit the basis of a lifelong partnership here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): Hello and my word the jerk touched a nerve didnt he! Not many people have a perfect body and even when we think someone looks perfect, im sure if asked, they would say there are things about their bodies which they hate. Your boyfriend is insensitive and rather stupid. Why do you want to be more like the porn stars to make him happy? Just find a guy who does think you have a perfect body if its that important to you. My partner just thought i was `alright` when we met and hes never paid me fullsome compliments about the way i look. I have a big bust small waist and butt. My bf prefers a slim figure. Its ok i dont mind that my bf isnt that keen on my figure. He loves me for my personality and the fact that we get along well because we have alot in common. Try and see past the fact that your bf likes curvy figures and remember hes with you because there are alot of things about you he likes very much. And if the porn thing erupts again just get some guy porn and share watching that with him. He will get the message youre trying to send him!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): Well I can certainly see both sides of this.
Your boyfriend should be more supportive and more sensitive to your needs. Based on your message I'd say he's rude and hurtful in his comments and should make a conscious effort to change this behaviour or you may want to consider leaving him.
At the same time you've got to realise how EXTREMELY annoying it is to have someone close to you being so insecure and obsessive about their looks.
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A
female
reader, LilPixie +, writes (22 November 2009):
 I'm with emily on this one, get rid of him! No one deserves to be treated like that. Not all guys are into porn or prefer girls with bodies like porn star - my boyfriend for example can't stand porn!
You deserve some one who tells you that you're the most beautiful girl he knows, and who means it! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, one person might think another looks amazing, while another ill think that that person is ugly!
I suggest going to the beach with a friend, and have a good look at all the girls there, some will have the body that your boyfriend might be into, others will have a lot smaller breasts than you but may have a lot more around their stomach/hip/bum/thighs....
I've got fairly large breasts, but to be honest, it's not always a good thing... They can be a real pain sometimes! I find it quite hard to find a good bra that gives me full support, and a lot of tops i have to buy one or two sizes bigger just so they fit around my bust!
Whatever your boyfriend says, don't listen to him, every girl's body is gorgeous in it's own way!
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A
female
reader, desertrose899 +, writes (22 November 2009):
eh. It's really sad that women have to go through this. Pornography is just another way that women are used as sexual objects by men and you should feel affronted by it. I'm not going to get into a huge rant right now but if you ever want to talk about how sexist our society is I would love to have that conversation.But he DID say that he loves your personality right? So that's a start. Your boyfriend seems a *bit* insensitive which is a problem because it seems like you're sensitive. You should both have a reasonable discussion. Tell him how insecure you are because you have been told all your life that you're supposed to look a certain way. Ask him if he thinks he's settling when he dates you, if he is, then maybe it's time to find a new boyfriend because you should never be 2nd best (and it'll lead to him cheating when he finds a "number 1" who wants him).Not all guys prefer girls with a porn start body. Men and women are diverse and we don't have a generic "I like this" trait. For example I don't like romantic guys, I find them boring as hell. I love redheads whereas most my friends hate them. A guy friend of mine constantly told me that he prefers girls that are more 'petite' and have smaller bodies. Surgery is not the answer. Never has been and never will be. Don't get it.Please just remember, you are not average. You deserve more than settling. A models body is extremely unattractive without clothes on and a porn stars body looks abnormal with clothes on. The majority of those pictures/videos you guys watch are doctored to make it look like the perfect woman. There is no such thing. Celebrate your womanhood and stand up for yourself.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (22 November 2009):
I normally try and read the whole thing and give a balanced answer, and I hate the answers that just say this:
"Your boyfriend is an idiot. He treats you like crap. Dump him."
But to be honest: It's true.
Not all men are as pathetic as this. There are guys who will find you gorgeous and let you feel that way too.
Good Luck!! xx
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