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Now he seems interested in finally setting a date I don't want to marry him.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 November 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 14 November 2017)
A female United States age 36-40, *lannahsparrow writes:

Hello, new to the site. hoping for some help. I 39 years old and my bf is 46, we have been together for almost 3 years and engaged for 2 of those. When we got engaged i was so happy that i would be planning my wedding, but every time i mentioned setting a date so i could plan, he always had an excuse. not enough money, wait until this happens or that happens, just every excuse imaginable. After a while i stopped asking. We have had our ups and downs, a lot of downs this past year. But i have hung in there. I do love him and I want to be here for him, now he has started talking about getting married and wants to set a date for this coming May. And, deep in the pit of my stomach it kinda makes me sick. Im just not interested in getting married to him anymore. We already live together we already have the life together, and now I cant bring myself to marry him, Im thinking i must be crazy. But now im questioning why i feel this way. I have no idea? Could I possibly not love him enough to marry him now. i mean a lot of things aggravate me about him, but i thought maybe thats normal. But in all honesty i dont want to get married now and i dont know how to tell him, because im afraid he will think i dont love him and thats not true. But i cant marry him. How do i handle this?

View related questions: engaged, money, wedding

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (14 November 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntMaybe you should try couples therapy before going ahead with any marriage. I mean there is a lot off things that my husband does that annoys and aggravates me but that is normal when it comes to living with someone, I still never had any doubts about marrying him and spending the rest off my life with him. I think you need to figure out why you are feeling like this and be honest to yourself and to him. Listen to what your head is saying.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (13 November 2017):

femmenoir agony auntYour dilemma sounds quite messy, but in all honesty, it's not too hard to come to a rational conclusion.

You have pretty much summed it up for yourself.

Your fiance doesn't sound like your ideal suitor and i think you know he's not the one for you.

That being said, you too, you come with your flaws, with your weaknesses, so he too, may have a few issues of his own with you and unbeknownst to you.

Unless you both talk, you'll never know what the other's thinking and where you both stand.

If i'm wrong, please tell me, but could it be that you're not only feeling hurt and upset with your fiance, because he took so long to commit to you, but also because he's been married twice before and that makes you somewhat "jealous" that he was able to make 2 commitments prior to knowing you?

The fact that he's been married before doesn't necessarily make him a bad guy, nor a non-committed guy.

It has much more to do with how he sees you and truly feels about you and about the relationship that you both share.

He's committed to you, regardless of the fact that he took a much longer time to make up his mind.

You must remember, marriage is a huge deal for a guy, especially a guy who's obviously been through the mill and back.

Your fiance has obviously encountered financial issues.

This may explain his lack of commitment earlier on and i'm gathering his inability to marry you.

I only say this because he's been married twice and most men who've been divorced multiple times, UNLESS THEY'RE RICH, will have some sort of financial issue at best.

Also, men who've been burned prior will be extremely cautious/careful about re-committing, UNTIL they get to really know that person in depth.

If you are finding fault with your fiance and no longer wish to marry him, i think you'd benefit from sitting him down and being totally upfront with him.

He deserves to know and he'd want to know where he stands.

I think you still love him as a person and you still care for him, but you are not deeply in love with him, certainly not enough to want to marry him.

It's always better to find out now, than to go through with marriage, then get divorced and for him, well, three times over..........that definitely wouldn't be wise nor fair.

Good luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2017):

You have to listen to what you are telling yourself.Do not get married if you do not want to.Discuss it with him he might even feel the same way you do but just wants to marry to make you happy.Talk to him.

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A female reader, alannahsparrow United States +, writes (11 November 2017):

alannahsparrow is verified as being by the original poster of the question

One answer asked if i had ever been married before, no i havent. He has been married twice before. i guess that some thinking and taking needs to happen. I know a lot of things have changed in the time we have been together, yes we have made a life together but let the spark burn out. I feel as if he wants to marry me now, because he is simply afraid of losing me. Thank you for all the answers so far.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (11 November 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntA number of things could be going on here.

Deep down you could be hurt and angry that he did not want to get married when YOU were ready and you now want to "pay him back" by not wanting to get married when HE wants to. If this is the case, you need to understand that HE was not ready at that stage and it would have been wrong for him to pretend he was.

Perhaps the things which aggravate you about him are a lot more important than you make them sound? When we live with others, there are ALWAYS things about them that we find annoying. However, most of the time they are insignificant things in the grander scheme of things. For instance, general tidiness is often an issue if one partner is tidy while the other just leaves things lying around wherever they have finished with them. However, this is not usually a deal breaker if the rest of the relationship is good.

Perhaps you feel you already have everything you need and don't see the point in getting married? You don't say if you have been married before. If you have, then this could certainly be the case. Now that the initial euphoria of a new relationship has worn off, perhaps you are happy with what you have got?

Perhaps the bad times you have recently been through have made you realize you don't actually want to be with this man for the rest of your life? You may still love him but perhaps you are no longer "in love" with him?

Whatever the reason, you need to be honest and voice your doubts. At the very least you need to postpone the wedding until such time as you are BOTH sure it is what you want to do. Imagine standing there on your wedding day, smiling for photographs and pretending to be happy when, all the time, you are feeling you should not be getting married.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (11 November 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Well, no, it's not normal to find " a lot " of things which aggravate you in your partner, nor accepting to marry him if you do. In general, if you want to marry a person, this is, in fact, also because they aggravate you LESS than other people in average, so you can look forward to a life shared ( mostly ) in peace and harmony !

As , contrariously to popular belief, it's not " normal " to have a lot of up and downs in a relationship, and more downs than ups. A high level of conflictuality is one of the clearest predictors of divorce; of course two people living together cannot be always up all the time, but the ups should be the rule and the downs the exception, not viceversa.

I think you'd be crazy... well, let's make it reckless...

to marry him based on these premises. There's " love " ( in the restrictive meaning of passion, and romantic feelings ) and then there's compatibility : the capability of living together without driving each other nuts . If the second is lacking don't even bother , because it's doomed to end sooner or later, and often, sooner rather than later.

How to tell him ? Yes, that's difficult. If he thinks that you don't love him... well, probably he will be right; at least, you do not love him enough to commit to a lifetime together ( not that you are to blame for feeling this way ). You love him, but not of the kind of love which is necessary to make things last .

As hard as it is, I think honesty is always the best policy. Maybe this could be a good chance to rediscuss and re-configure your relationship.Ask yourself what do you really want from him, which behaviours and thoughts he should modify to stop aggravating you and to make your relationship less conflictual; and of course ask HIM what you can do , from your side, and see if you both can make the necessary changes. Maybe you can consider going to couple therapy.

But accepting marriage the way things are now and the way you feel now, simply makes no sense, and would not make any happier either of you.

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