A
male
age
51-59,
*bout Sophie
writes:I am a married man with 2 kids who fell in love with a married woman 9 years ago. She was in a "loveless" marriage with 1 child and I was getting bored in mine. She recently "broke" it off with me without any explanation a few months ago and would't tell me why. I tried to find out but she wouldn't tell me. 6 months later she opened up to me and admitted finally that she is 7 months pregnant from her husband. Needless to say I am devastated. This has left me confused and utterly heartbroken. I chose my screen name after the daughter that we dreamed of having. Throughout our affair, this has been a big part of our "plans".As a broken man trying to make sense of this all, I am looking for answers as to why she would do this? Perhaps I waited too long but my plan to finally divorce my wife was about to take place since my kids will be graduating college soon and I can finally be free from this obligation.We both don't love our spouses. But her having another baby from a man she claims she does not love is bothering me. She claims that she planned this because she was running out of time and wanted another child before it was too late. Could this be true or did she get cold feet knowing that our plans to be together was nearing?But why have "his" son and not our daughter? Are women this manipulative and deceiving? Is her reasoning to do this rational? She does not want to talk about it and dodges the question. We do not see each other anymore but sometimes text and talk on the phone. She still calls me names we used to call each other and makes insinuations that she still loves me albeit she has only plans for herself, her son and soon to come baby, nothing about her husband either.How can a woman have a baby with someone she doesn't love and throw 9 years without any explanation. I think she told me eventually because how would she explain that bump! Ok so it has taken me 9 years to realize what I should have done years ago but why have his baby?I truly love this woman and if she "plans" to just have a baby because she wants one and still may have plans with us, how can anyone accept someone after doing this? I need help on what to do. As it stands, i can't do much. At work at home...I am totally lost. Should I let go or should I wait? I don't know if I can be strong enough to wait nor accept her reason for doing this. I want to move one but everywhere I go, I see her. shows and movies I watch remind me of her. I read our emails from years ago and remember all our promises. I am a lonely man who just lost the color to his world.
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affair, at work, divorce, fell in love, heartbroken, married man, married woman, move on, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (14 January 2015):
 You need to get a divorce. Your wife doesn't deserve this. If you are unhappy, man up and act on it properly and morally: file for divorce. Do you want to set the example for your children that it's okay if one of their partners cheats on them?!You've spent NINE YEARS - got to be either most or half of you children's lives?! - lying to the people who love you. Please find it in your heart/head/morals to get a divorce now. Cheating on your wife means cheating on your children and that, quite frankly, is selfish.As for your lady friend, since that's all she can be until she's divorced, you need to leave her. You need to get divorced and stop helping her tear up your families. She won't leave her husband for at least a year or more, if she's decided to have a baby with him because she'll need his support. You can't pressure her into leaving him, she'd probably have joint custody of her children and you've both proven you don't think more about what's best for your children than what you feel, so I hope her husband is a better person than that.Please think about your children now, get the divorce and, if you still want to be with the woman who has joined you in happily cheating and lying, you can't give her the ultimatum: "me or him" and see how it turns out. Please stop cheating though.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2015): Oh I'm in the same situation. Me and my love talk about having a daughter! it is so difficult as he is living thousans miles away. Eventhough he got divorce and did I, Things are not settled yet, my ex is not over me yet and his ex is the same. kids are involvvr, we have one each, and it is very difficult to move on. Sometimes I think I wish i would never gone this way. I didnt get divorce for him but he did get divorce for me. Sometimes I wish it would be better to have another child from my ex,it is safer and the time is running and earleast me and my love can be togethet is another 2 years. I can exactly feel why she has done that. It doesn't mean at all that she loves her husband and not you. I go through the same phase too. You have been witn her for 9 years !and didn't get divorce.I am with him since 2 years ago and know him since 15 years ago. Personally I wouldn't go that long like she went with you. You missed the chance and 9 years is a long period to start all over again . I assume she is near 40 so when you wanted to get divorce and marry her and a daughter too! She waited so long and you can't have everything at the same time. Something should be sacrefised.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (14 January 2015):
As much as I feel for your spouses, I have to ask the obvious. Is there any possibility that this baby could be yours? I would be looking very closely at the timeline of events for this possibility. It could be the reason why she has suddenly avoided you and been evasive. Im sorry for your sadness too, it must hurt. Do update us and please make sure you find out for definite about possible paternity
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 January 2015):
 "Are women this manipulative and deceiving? Is her reasoning to do this rational?"
Well, as someone who has been lying to his wife for 9 years, you have some idea of what manipulation and deception entails. So perhaps, yes, some women are as manipulative and deceiving as their married manipulative and deceitful male lovers.
Is her reasoning rational? Well, she did break up with you and have a child with her husband. That doesn't sound irrational, that sounds like what marriage entails.
You sound a bit out of touch with the reality of your situation. Honestly, you need to get into counseling to sort this out, if after your break up you are shocked to find she's having a baby with her husband.
Research the stages of grief, as you are somewhere in the middle of denial. There are further healthier stages and reading about it could help you progress in the process of mourning the end of the relationship. Sorry for your loss.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (13 January 2015):
 Why is it that people who cheat on their spouses think they are entitled to a happy ending? And victimize themselves in the end? I don't understand. As an adult, you took action knowing there would be consequences both negative and positive. Now you need to accept that you chose to live a life of deceit with an equally deceitful woman, and in doing so, accepted all glories and uglies of lies and cheating. Your poor spouses could have been divorced and found a life with someone who is loyal and loving, but you have stripped them of that and now feel sorry for yourself. You made an adult decision and now have adult consequences to deal with. I am sorry that you thought this would work out in the end. I hope happiness for you both and your spouses and children.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): She wanted a kid, he, as her husband, was the safe option, and you've been hving an affair 9 years, you never left your wife, how can she know if you ever will.
Also, you do know you wouldn't magically conceive a daughter first try. And when were you planning to have this kid, when still if your real partners?
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