A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need help, I'm confused and hurt! I'm a 29 year old female with two kids that just now file for a divorce, before our divorce I always call my childhood friend (married man now) for advice cause he's always good at that, he's the type of friend you can count on in the past, I feel happy whenever I talked to him, sometimes when we don't talk about how my husband always cheats on me we talked like we were back at High School we call each other nick names than we have a good laugh and that always helps me through my divorce. Just recently his wife broke our friendship and it really upsets and hurt me. I always call him at least 4 times a week just to talk and he calls me too just to ask how I was doing, we text each other all the time and it was not a problem until his wife replied to my text "don't u ever send my husband stupid smiley faces again" from his cell phone. I was so shocked so I send him a FaceBook msm asking him why his wife was upset with me, minutes later I got a msm back from Facebook it was her saying that "you need to go see a therapist for advice, quit telling my husband how your man cheat on you and how he mistreated you, we got our own problems to deal with and I'm so sick of him telling me how bad is your stupid marriage....and yes he's next to me he knows what I'm doing your not the first female friend of his I did this to....stop sharing your drama" I cried and cried I don't believe my best friend was there, he's not the type that would just sit back and let something like this to happen... so I send him an email saying "please let me know your ok" he called me later that day saying I need to stop sending him emails and I need to stop trying to contact him cause his wife is accusing him of cheating and that she's going to take their kids away from him and divorce him so he deleted his Facebook same day. I don't want to lose a good-friend like him since he's the only one that listens and understand me at my time of need. I send his wife a FB msm telling her that were just friends and I apologize to her for not adding her to my friends on FB also, I told her that her husband told me its not a good idea cause she's very jealous, I tried my best to be nice to her by telling her that her husband always talked about her and their kids I tried to fix our friendship through her but she's replied with a hateful msm back, she refused to get along with me she said its too late for that, she said she gave me over 3 years for me to add her as a friend and that she knows I talked to her husband but now she's not ok with it anymore. Her husband called me again telling me that the reason he wants to end our friendship its because my husband send his wife a msm about him and I, he told me he wanted to know who he is and why his wife talked to him a lot, he also said he don't want me or my husband to contact his wife or him trying to explain anything. I called my husband and ask him why he contact her and he denied everything, I hacked into his Facebook and found his conversation with her but its ALL HER she told him to tell his ugly wife to keep our divorce to ourselves she was very rude. I send my friend an email again so I copied all my husband and her conversations and paste it on the email, I want him to know the TRUTH that his wife is crazy she's making stuff up to break our friendship, after few minutes I send it I got an email back, I knew it was her cause she cuss me out with a lot of hateful words, I was laughing at her for getting busted so I send his email a reply back ''LMAO'' seconds later my best friend called my cell, I was so confused cause he was so angry at me, he cuss me out and he didn't even give me the chance to talk, he act like a total different person he was yelling at me, I ask him did he read the email from me? he said "yes I read your f@#$$#@ email thats why I'm calling you right now, he said that I ruin his marriage by trying to explain the situation than he hangs up. I was shocked and so sick to my stomach that I cried and cried that day I was confused I didn't do anything wrong I don't understand why he's so angry at me why he disrespected me why he just end our friendship like its nothing, please help me I don't know what to do, I want to fix it but I don't know what else to do I know in my heart he doesn't mean the bad words he said to me I know he's a great man I really want our friendship to continue.....please help what did I do wrong?
View related questions:
best friend, divorce, facebook, jealous, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): You need to learn to respect other people's boundaries and not keep pushing selfishly to get what you want. Not taking no for an answer. Hacking into people's facebook and making those private contents public. You are a drama queen. First of all your friend is married so his first loyalty morally speaking should be to his wife. When she wants you to leave him alone, you need to respectfully bow out because she is married to him, not you. Then he asked you to leave him alone not because he no longer likes you but because this could cost him his kids. Surely you don't want his kids to be taken away from him? But no you wanted what you wanted so you refuse to leave him alone after he asked. That is not being a good friend at all!! And you wonder why he and his wife both get more angry at you?? She is angry because she is jealous and insecure. He is angry because she holds a lot of power to make his life miserable so he is asking you to not get him in trouble and you refuse. Then you hack into your husbands facebook and broadcast the messages?? You were way in the wrong. Hacking into peoples facebook and email is wrong. Your friend now hates you because you ARE trying to destroy his life. You refuse to respect his wishes and you carry on getting him in trouble with his wife which could cost him his kids. And why?? All because you want his companionship to be at a deeper level than is appropriate. If he was willing to continue that level of closeness and ignore his wife then that's fine. But he said many times he is not ok with that because he doesn't want the consequence of losing his kids. And you ignored his well being and went ahead pushing your agenda.Please just stop already. Leave them alone. No more explaining because that by definition is not leaving them alone. Maybe after a couple of years you can tentativley try to contact him again to ask forgiveness and set new boundaries for a friendship if he is willing. A true friend puts the other person's needs ahead of theirs even if it means that you suffer as a result. It is a sacrificial love. Instead you tried to prevent your suffering by causing him to suffer. That's not being a friend at all.
A
female
reader, theres_always_a_loophole  +, writes (29 July 2013):
 The other people on this thread seem to think the OP is being selfish. I would agree, except for the fact her best friend was a CHILDHOOD friend. It's not like she just met him, or has only been friends with him a few years. She's known him most if not all of her life, so I can understand why she feels so hurt. I can also see why it would so difficult to imagine life without him since he's always been in her life. She's only acting this way because she's so scared of losing him, not because she wants to hurt his wife or their marriage. She just wants to keep her friend. Now, I will admit 4 times a week is a little much to contact him since he's married. (I missed that bit of information when I gave my first answer).
...............................
A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (28 July 2013):
If you truly love and respect your male friend and he has requested you to have no more contact with him.....then do that!
You contacting him and his wife after that, it's simple, it's just plain wrong.
Leave him alone. If he comes back you are meant to be friends.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2013): Unfortunately there's no way in the world your going to stay friends with this guy anymore, if he was to get a divorce over you contacting his wife...believe me he will blame you for it. I don't understand why you didn't stop trying to explain yourself to his wife after he told you NOT TO. He chose to be with this woman for the sake of his kids and their marriage in the end and you need to respect that. It disappoints me to see "llifton" reply here she called his wife a psycho bit and when your the one who's being persistence, family should come first no matter what, calling your friend 4 times a day and texting all the time was too much and you should be happy she allowed the friendship to go for that long, she tried to give you a chance to try to know her but you did not want to and it seems to me she's the type that won't forgive when she had enough. You should accept the fact they are married and you to moved on with your life, good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (28 July 2013):
 unfortunately sweetie, there's not a thing you can do about this. his wife is absolutely crazy and domineering and controlling his life. and he's allowing it to happen out of fear of losing his kids. at this point, despite caring about you and wanting you as a friend, he HAS to cut you out of his life. he needs you to back off and stop causing more drama (not saying that you're not behaving like a normal person would in this particular situation - but it's just not making his life any more simple). because lord knows, it sounds like his life is hell right now. i know it's incredibly hard. but you know in your heart you didn't do anything wrong. so do yourself and him a favor and try your best to put this behind you and move forward. it'll hurt and you'll miss him. but it's what you both need right now. just humor him and back off and leave him be.
best of luck. just be glad you're not the one dating that psycho b*tch.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 July 2013):
 So.. YOU'VE got a marriage which is - or has - deteriorated until it is unsalvageable.... AND, you want to keep dragging in to your life/predicament an old "boyfriend" who, you've learned, has his own marriage/ relationship difficulties going on.... AND, you want us (Aunts and Uncles) to validate that you keep the pressure on this poor guy... whilest YOU don't spend even a moment trying to figure out if the World doesn't, actually, revolve around you (Note: it DOESN'T!!!!)....??????
You should back off from any/all contact with "old friend" and get on with your life... WITHOUT him in it... and decide where you are going in the future...
Good luck....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2013): I have a similar problem, but backwards and I also posted a question.
I think 4 times a week is excessive, and of course constant texting and calling him is too much as he is as you stated a married man.
Think of the pain you felt of your husband spending time and confiding in another woman...you are doing the same. thing to his wife and putting stress on his relationship. Be a good friend, apologize to him and his wife and give him a breather. A good friend knows when to step back, so be a good friend to him.
Any reasonable woman would be upset, as you are crossing boundaries.
...............................
A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (27 July 2013):
 You are making this all about yourself. You say you've done nothing won't but actually I think it's quite disrespectful to call a married guy 4 tins a week to talk about your marital issues unless you are also really close friends with his wife. Also, telling her that he'd said she was jealous was a big mistake. The icing on the cake was relying to her email, however bitchy you think it was, with LMAO.That was immature Anne unnecessary.
They both told you to back off and you should have straight away. Instead you continued pushing it and caused problems in his marriage. You may be friends again in the future but for now I think you need to cut your losses and accept that this friendship is over.
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (27 July 2013):
There are some things you are missing in this scenario which you can't seem to understand. I want to briefly go over them so give it some thought.
His wife is clearly upset about the amount of attention he has devoted to you over the couple of years. I can assume that there are some problems in their marriage and I gather that his attention to you was taking away from the amount needed in his marriage.
Either way, you were overly preoccupied about your friendship with him that you forgot that he is also married and he has obligations to his wife. You were told to keep away BOTH by him and his wife. You refused to listen and decided to take matters into your own hands. While I do understand that you did not want to lose him, you simply did not respect the fact that he is going through a hard time with his wife right now. It's not always about you dear.
Yes he is your best friend but you have your divorce already. There is only so much he can do for you anyway. You need to pick up yourself and just back off from him. I think you can use the alone time to sort yourself out instead of depending on others. There's a limit to trying to play the victim, sometimes you just need to fess up and admit that you made some mistakes here. If you still can't see your mistakes then I think it is for the best that you need time away from your friend.
Try to make some new friends or go out and have a good time. Keep yourself occupied and hopefully things work out for him.
...............................
A
female
reader, theres_always_a_loophole +, writes (27 July 2013):
You did nothing wrong. It's not your fault your friend has a jealous, paranoid wife. I've had something similar happen to me as well. I became friends with a guy I met at a temp job, and everything was great til he got back together with one of his exes, and then married her. We stayed in contact for a couple of months after he got married, but I started hearing from him less and less, and eventually I couldn't get through to him at all through his phone or Facebook, because his wife would reply instead. So I gave up.
That's all you can really do is just give up. I know you don't want to. I went through it too, holding onto that last shred of hope things would change. It was worse knowing he wasn't even happy with his wife. He didn't even really want to marry her, but she trapped him with a baby, and he's not the type of guy to abandon a girl he got pregnant because his father abandoned him. I wanted so much to help him, but instead he made her his whole life, and cut anyone off she told him not to talk to. It sounds like her and your friend's wife have similar personalities. In which case, I wouldn't ever expect to hear from him again unless they split up.
I say your friend and my former friend weren't truly our friends so we're better off without them. If they were, they wouldn't let anyone stop them from talking to us. It's not like we're their exes. Trying to tell your spouse who they can and can't be friends with is being a control freak. She's the one who needs therapy, not you. I repeat, you did nothing wrong.
...............................
|
