A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK this might be a bit long winded but here we go. So I have been happilyish married for nearly ten years now. I met my wife in 2003 while on my OE in London and we got together and started dating and then eventually the "how many people have you slept with?" question popped up. I answered that I can count on less than two hands the number of people that I have slept with and pretty sure i can remember all of them, names, where we hooked up etc.She then said that she had slept with a lot more and that her and her flatmate kept going out and scoring guys and shagging them. Her number, which she didn't even know so had to guesstimate was around 50 so I am assuming it is more because apparently girls always lie about the number because they are embarrassed about it.Now at the time I remember I didn't really care. We had just hooked up and were having good and very frequent sex, as you do in the early days, but fast forward some years to now and we are married, two little kids and living in a house we bought together but surprise surprise the sex is nearly non-existant. We had sex 3 weeks ago on my birthday and then before that it was probably 4-5 months ago and then last year maybe twice. I always try to instigate sex but she is never interested, too tired, got a head ache, the list goes on.Just recently after a stint of no sex for 6 months in conversation it came up that she even had a threesome with two guys before we met. This angered me because the thought that she would freely have sex with two strangers at the same time who didn't have to jump through any hoops for her, but wont have sex with me, her husband, the one person she should want to have sex with the most, really hurt.For some reason her sexual past is now a sticking point for me which it wasn't before, maybe that's just because we are going through another sex drought, which she always controls.I understand this is really like two questions;1. how do i let go of her sexual past?2. how do i get her to want sex with me again?Any help much appreciated.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 September 2017):
 If a woman loves a husband, to have sex even when not in the mood at first, is not a hard thing at all. Her past matters because you are trying to figure out what makes her tick, and what turns her on. However the reasoning that other men got with her easily, while you had to jump through hoops, won't work. Because women who make men jump through hoops are those who need protection from players, they need trust that it will be a long term relationship before yielding to sex. This reasoning won't work for people who are open to casual sex. Your wife certainly needs novelty to be turned on. In a long term marriage, she needs love and respect for her husband. When you are making love, you are tuned in to each other. Getting turned on is not an effort at all.
When I stop loving and respecting a man, there's no way I can make love. Even if I had kids together with him. She may be staying with you just for the kids. That once or twice a year ration could be to keep you quiet. On your birthday she finds not excuse to turn you down. I have no doubt you can be a lovable man, but maybe a domestic lifestyle is not suitable for your wife. It's true that she's not the same as 14 years ago. What you want to find out is, is she happy. And if she's not a wife and a mother, what could she be doing now? What could she rather do? Some women simply get married to get a title, to prove to the world that she has mothering ability, but not necessarily want to a marriage to last forever.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2017): To the anonymous male-reader.
This matter is not about blame. It is about behavior, emotions, and how you respond or react to the person you've made your wife. This is not a simple matter, and the OP's frustration is understandable and justified. However; he is struggling with the rejection and lack of affection from someone who used to give it freely. He doesn't know why things have changed. He admits he has responded in anger.
I'm not a feminist. I'm a humanitarian. Gender is irrelevant when it comes to pain and suffering. Women do not think like men; and their opinions are based on a different perspective and experience. We're getting only one-side of the story; and the details come-out the deeper you dig. I don't participate in gender-wars; nor do I only see the male-perspective on things. That's because I can think broader than that. I still can't think like a woman. Nor can you!
The past is the past. It can't be changed. People and circumstances change. I don't pass blame. I evoke accountability from every angle. The responsibility of maintaining a marriage falls on both parties.
Resolving a problem does not rest on blame; it rests on facts and how they are used to solve the problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2017): I'm not the guy I was 14 years ago. Not even four years ago.
I've faced a lot of changes in my life. I'm more financially-secure, I was dumped by someone for the first-time in my life, my partner of 28 years died from cancer, I've lost two sisters, and I've started a new relationship with someone wonderful.
These events have all had a very powerful impact on my life, and my personality. Including my sex-life and emotional connections to people.
Your wife is now a mother, and a wife. Has it ever occurred to you that she is ashamed of her past? Now that she is a mother and living a whole different lifestyle; sex has now become something less palatable. Maybe because she may regret her old behavior so much she can't function sexually.
In my original post, I told you there is something wrong. She can't articulate her feelings; or she just doesn't want to admit it. There is no delicate way to tell your spouse why you don't want to have sex with him or her. There are no acceptable words. Use logic, man!
Like you said, that behavior didn't bother you at first; but it does now. Well maybe her past didn't bother her at first; but it does now. You're so busy thinking with your penis; I think it's about time you need to think with your brain, and your heart. Even if she doesn't really love you anymore; what good is being cruel to her? Will it make that better?
If someone threw something personal I've told them in my face; with the intention of using it as a weapon against me; honestly, I don't think I could have sex or stand to be in the same room. I don't care how frustrated someone gets with me; I draw the line where you attack me.
I don't hit below the belt in arguments with my mate. I'm tempted to; but something deep inside holds me back. You deactivated your filters and went for the jugular! Women are very intuitive; and I guess she saw this day coming. Once you let the cat out of the bag; you sort of know in the back of your mind, it's going to comeback and bite you in the ass someday! Well, for her...it has!
If you want to salvage your marriage, and if that is still possible; I recommend counseling and mediation. Your wife may have been promiscuous due to a trauma in her past; perhaps molestation in her childhood. As time passed; she may have reached a phase in her life she can no longer enjoy what she used to. There still may even be unchecked medical problems; or psychological issues that are buried, and not noticeable superficially by doctors. She might need some therapy coupled with a full medical-evaluation to get to the bottom of her loss of libido. Women who have had children have body changes, and aging plays a big part of that.
As you go deeper beneath the surface, I think there is something very serious that happened to your wife. She may have been raped, and may not have been able to disclose that. Many women hide rape, and try to suppress the trauma. She may have started-out with promiscuous behavior; but time and life-events changes mental-health, and how we cope with life and/or trauma.
You're not going to get sex demeaning and verbally-abusing her. In fact, if there is an inner-demon she struggles with; that may have made it even worse.
If she has fallen out of love with you; maybe that too will find its way to the surface. I think a counselor is needed because your anger and sexual-frustration is out of control. She doesn't have to defend herself.
Prepare yourself, because you may discover more that you can handle. She's the mother of your children, and you had better watch what you say to her. I don't care what she did in her past. You will never justify abuse. You didn't like being called a "prick." Well, she feels the same way when you imply she's a whore. You don't know what you could be doing to her by doing that.
It is possible she doesn't enjoy sex with you anymore. So how do you intend to deal with that? It's not a crime. It can happen to anyone. Even those who have a promiscuous past.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2017): I love how all the women here are giving similar advice.... hey it's not her fault, hey don't blame her for having many sexual partners in the past, hey put the past in the past.... really? Wait.... really? If it's a woman that comes to ask for the same here guess what the advice.. wait you already know what the advice will be right? breakup with him... get a divorce, secure the finance blah blah blah...... THeir is no damn reason for a man and his wife to just have sex twice in a year.... I mean no goddamn reason, do the maths.. once every 182.5 days Wait really?? Now all you feminist is blaming the man and saying it's his fault.... are you Kidding me? Y'all say he should do more romantic things and put more effort What kind of effort is the woman putting to change this situation? So she doesn't realize that this is no way near normal and needs a therapy or whatever Point your finger as much as you would to the mind , but if anyone is in this mans shoe, and was starved sex for so long, his or her subconscious mind will definitely think about his partners pastRemember this man hasn't blame her or bring up her past to her, he subconsciously think about it which anyone would haveFinally this is a question from a man that loves his wife and trying to do right here by asking for help on how to suppress his subconsciousnes, he wasn't asking on how to get divorce
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlEThanks for your respons. To flesh this out a bit more and answer some of your questions, I did talk to her about it. We have spoken so many times over the last 4-5 years about this but it never really gets resolved. She tells me what she wants and then I make an action plan and do all the things she wants and I keep doing them, things change for a little while and we have sex maybe once or twice then it goes back to this misery I am stuck in where there is nothing for months.In regards to the sharing and being able to bounce off years ago, like I said in my original post I was not bothered by her promiscuous past way back then, ask me why it bothers now and not then and I cannot answer that question.Things really kicked off when she told me about the three some but that was two years ago and we had been together for 13 years and married for 8 by that stage so it came as a bit of a surprise.The reason I came here was to ask for help. Some people have been helpful and others seem to have their own agendas. It is easy enough to say shit like “stop being childish and don’t think about her past and hold it against her” etc etc and that is what I want to do but cannot figure out how to. it’s like saying “don’t think about a grey elephant” and then what happens you think about the grey elephant, in this case it is much worse for me because there all the feelings of rejection and hurt and frustration that are attached to it so it is harder to just let things slide for me but like I said that’s why I am here to get help not to be told I am a prick etc by some people here. If people don’t want to give good, unbiased, un-judgemental advice then in my opinion they should not posting on this forum. WiseOwlE this is not necessarily you I am talking about, for the most part you have hit the nail on the head but there are a couple of things you have said that are not true. I am impressed by your ability to read me like a book through my original post though, fairly accurate with most of it, well done.Going back to the problem, in my honest opinion her past is my business, she is my wife, I am her husband, we are married and sharing our lives together so we should have no secrets, that’s just my opinion. I don’t believe in ignorance is bliss, maybe I am weak minded and can’t handle her dirty past truth but I would rather know it and know that that is a part of who she IS not just was because our past is made of actions that we take that shape who we are.Yes I have thrown it in her face in the past couple of years in angry arguments we have had because I have been at my wits end and I don’t know where else to turn to get her fucking attention to see how much I am being affected by this whole ordeal! So out of anger I will say something like “Why don’t you want to have sex with me now? I am doing all the things you want and nothing changes. You gave your shit up to all those arseholses that didn’t give a flying fuck about you and you screwed years ago and none of them had to jump through your hoops, all they had to do was buy you a drink or maybe not even that” That didn’t go down well but I feel I have nowhere else to turn when nothing changes and I feel I am doing all the right things.And to say “Something tells me since the day she told you how many men she has been with, you've been a jerk” is not true, I may be head strong yes but she is far more than I am. Like I already said we had a discussion about our numbers when we first hooked up and we had been happily together for many years since as it didn’t bother me then…IT BOTHERS ME NOW! I said this in my original post. And again I don’t know exactly why, maybe because back then we were having sex and now we are not, I am not a psychologist so I don’t know the answer to that.“Ever wondered about your love-making technique” no that is not an issue. I give her orgasms when we have sex, foreplay all the right stuff so it’s not that.Anyway I am going to try and have another discussion this week some time and see if I can get some kind of resolution with her about all this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2017): I'm not known for beating around the bush. Lets just cut to the chase. You came looking for answers. The first person you should have talked to is your wife. You should have asked if there is a problem you both need to workout?
No, instead you've come-up with some convoluted left-handed bullsh*t about her past. So typical of men who are insecure about themselves. They look for excuses to pass if off on somebody else. While women blame themselves for everything.
I don't really see why you're comparing your wife now with who she was over 14 years ago? I guess there IS such a thing as oversharing; because some people can't seem to handle pure honesty. They'd rather you lie and protect their feelings, perhaps? Well, she was honest. You had your chance to bounce and step-off!
You were pretty conservative in your 20's. That's on you! Your wife enjoyed her youth her way. She had no idea you'd come along in her future; or she would have had sex with less people. Maybe, maybe not! It guess that's her bad!
If she wants sex less now, maybe there's a problem in the marriage that she hasn't discussed with you. Pretty often women try to discuss their feelings and the health of the relationship; but men don't really want to discuss "emotional" stuff. It is quite possible she tried to tell you something, and you avoided the conversation. It is also quite possible she has given you clues, and you dismissed them; because "you're the man." Only what you say or think matters. I guess that's a cultural thing?
So now is your chance to discuss your marriage and sex. I said discuss. Not place her on the stand for cross-examination; or turn her over to the Spanish Inquisition.
(Google it!)
First you've got to get your head out of her past. It's none of your business. She didn't have a premonition forewarning her to have less sex-partners; because she was preparing her life for marriage with you someday. All she knows is she was having a good time, and living her life as she pleased.
When you hit a bump in the road, you have to communicate about it. Don't hedge around the problem, or try to shame your mate into a discussion. You politely ask your wife if she will indulge you in a serious conversation about your needs and your feelings. It's not unmanly to do that. It's between you and the mother of your children. Nobody else!
First, ask her what it is she wants and needs that maybe she doesn't get. Promise to do your best to meet those needs. Then actually do it. Then explain to her that you don't feel you get enough sex; and would like to know if there is a reason she no longer feels a desire for it?
If your wife will not have this conversation with you; then you take it to the next level. Suggest having marriage-counseling; so you can have someone professional help you both to discuss difficult problems in your marriage. You can't force her to desire sex with you. There may be either a physiological or psychological reason (or reasons) she suddenly doesn't desire sex. Or at least, some unspoken reasoning she has less desire at this point in your marriage.
How far are you willing to go to handle this like a couple of adults? Instead of a man-boy standing in judgment of his wife. I mean putting your demands and ego aside. Last time she was honest with you; you reached back into the past to turn her into a promiscuous man-eater. You don't say it in so many words; but the implication is more than crystal clear.
There is always an explanation or answer to every problem. You have to work together to find the answers; but you can't do that when your head is in the wrong place. You want to punish her for the past; because you want more sex now, and she won't oblige you. Well stop long enough to determine the reason(s); and be patient (and man) enough to hear the answers.
I detect a headstrong judgemental personality. When I read posts, I get a little taste of the personality behind the words. I also get a sense that you and your wife aren't too great about talking to each other. Something tells me since the day she told you how many men she has been with, you've been a jerk. Not directly, but in an underhanded subtle or passive-aggressive way. She has withdrawn from you. You show less respect for her since you were told about how many men she's been with. I don't believe it never bothered you.
I think she has seen changes in you over the years she doesn't like about you. I think she may also have some inner-conflicting feelings about herself and the marriage.
I also suspect that from time to time, in anger, you have thrown what you know in her face. I just sense it. This didn't just recently surface; you've been at this for years. So now she can't stand you to touch her. You reek with insecurity, sir. You admit it with every word in your narrative.
I'm not saying this is all on you, but you don't know because you've never asked her why. You aren't accepting any excuses; because you feel she's a slut, so why all of a sudden doesn't she want sex? Maybe because when she tries to be herself, you make her feel cheap. You'd never convince me you've never made reference to her past when in a rage.
She's a mother and a wife now. Her college years are behind her. She probably has a good job, she's 14 years older, and probably suspects you have no respect for her. Which I think manifests itself in disrespectful and passive-aggressive behavior. It has been sticking in your head since the day what she told you hit your ears. You don't know how you compare to the others.
If she doesn't want sex with you. Do you have the balls to ask her why and quietly listen to her answers? My suspicion is that you already have your own mind made-up; and if she can be a slut but turn you down, you don't want to hear any excuses. I guess you think nothing could be justified. I beg to differ. Something is wrong.
Ever wondered about your love-making technique, your sexual-endurance, and adeptness as a lover? Perhaps it's because you're not a very good lover. If you're closed to suggestion and constructive-criticism in that area; I guess you'll never really know. Anything she says will either piss you off or hurt your feelings. The title of your post suggests this is a no-win situation for your wife.
Women have no problem telling you what it is you do to piss them off. They have no trouble expressing their feelings and emotions. All they need is an open-channel of communication; and they'll pour their loving hearts out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK thank you for all the responses. I understand that things will obviously be different after so many years yes but I would still expect a healthy sex life at the age we are at.
For the record I did not ask my wife to marry me, she asked me.
And of course I love her. That goes without saying.
And Anonymous 123 please don't call me a prick without know the full story either. I am certainly not a prick to my wife. We do the odd romantic date out and I do more than my fair share of household chores, looking after the kids, etc.
So on all those fronts I am pretty confident they are not the issue.
I guess I will try some of the recommendations here to see if anything changes.
Thanks
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 September 2017):
This is ridiculous!! It's like when yourrelationship has failed and you're trying to break up with your partner and then he/she says, "you said you loved me and couldn't live without me so what happened now? So how can you leave me now?"
Why, oh why, can people... And you OP included... not understand that things are contextual? Just because someone did something or said something in the past, doesn't mean they have to do it again in the present or stick to it under any circumstances! She slept with those vague dudes in the past because she felt like it at that point of time. She was young, single and looking for some fun. How is that wrong? She *doesn't* want to have sex with now either because you're being a prick or she's not up for it. There are times you feel these hormonal changes happening, you're just busy with work and stressed or plain and simple you're not in the mood. You have two kids and you've been married for a decade, obviously she won't be jumping into the bed with you now like she did 10 years ago! There's a vast difference between her libido and yours! And you can't demand that she sleep with you just because she fuc**d guys in the past! You KNEW of her past! What's now important to you now? Your children, your marriage and your future or the past which is dead and gone?
If you want to get the spark back then you have to make it happen. You're pushing her away with all the prying and questions and endless obsession with her sex life before she met you. For heaven's sake man, let it go. There's more to your relationship than just sex. Never, not once have you mentioned the word "love" anywhere. All you've spoken about is how she had sex before she met you, how you and she had sex once you met, how your sex life has deteriorated, her threesome (so more sex), how can you let go of her sexual past and how can you get her to have sex with you again! It's just sex, sex, sex, sex, sex!! Where are the feelings, the love, the emotions?
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (22 September 2017):
Your wife sexual past is not the problem...YOU ARE!!!
This is what love is...Learn it...and it will save your marriage...
"Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail."
Question I ask anyone with your complaint... "What have you done to fix your marriage??"
Sure it is easy to point to the partner and say "she is never interested." Question is...WHY???
Lots of men love to come home and do nothing. Wife has been looking after house and kids. Maybe she works too, and then come home to look after house and kids, while hubby watches TV. At the end of the night, she is exhausted, and since hubby has not done anything, he has energy for sex...Ummm...NO!!!
Have you taken her on a date? Do you take the time to talk to her? Take the kids out and give her some time alone?
Or are you the one that wants sex as a reward for simply being married?
Guess what?? Your wife had lots of sex in her past because she is a very sexual woman. YOU have killed that sexual passion in her, and now you blame her past for the cool down in sex?? How did she go from 100 to 0? Not by her doing buddy...So when you want to point fingers or change someone's way of being...go stand in front of the mirror...and ask yourself..."Why is my insecurities of a past time, that I have no control over, affecting me now?"
How would you feel if your wife got pissed off that you were not a virgin when she met you? And now she sits there brewing and stewing over your past?
Stop being a hypocrite. Not like you were a saint before you got married.
Your wife could have had sex will a whole football team a 100 times. You were not complaining when she was dishing out the sex to you. Heck...it was so good you married her.
All of sudden...YOU stopped doing the things to turn her on. The things that will open up her heart, and stopped showing the love and affections she needs to open her legs, and you blame her past?? REALLY??
Go and love your wife like you just met her all over again. Every marriage MUST be tested. Why?? Because you accepted the challenge of making her the happiest woman in the world when you said those vows. Then the minister said in so many words "Are you sure you accept the challenge and know what the hell you are in for???" And what did you say?? I DO!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2017): Focusing on her past is doing a great job of making you the bad guy for her wrongdoing. Her "wrongdoing" is showing no sign of ever wanting sex with you again.
The time for "you need to romance her" is when it has been 6 weeks. SIX MONTHS is when she knows that you are being denied and she doesn't care. If she doesn't have a medical reason, and she isn't even trying to address this with you, then she is in the wrong.
Stop focusing on her past. Fix the present and the past will recede into the distance again.
Don't make demands. Just tell her how much of a problem this is becoming and be willing to listen to her side. Then be prepared to separate if more time goes by and nothing is changing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2017): I was a virgin when I married my husband. He never had these worries. He still doesn't. Droughts happen in long term relationships, even ours, but he doesn't resent me for any past sexual relationships or feel bitter towards me. Cause I never had any. He realizes it's just life and sometimes things go stale or life, jobs, kids etc get in the way. It's normal. And things usually get back on track with romantic evenings, getaways, and a chance to reconnect. But 6 months without is much too long. I wouldn't let it go that long without addressing it. You need to have a serious talk with your wife about why this is happening. You cannot accept "surface" excuses like "I have a headache" forever. That excuse is good for a day. So, there is something else going on and brewing underneath the surface. You can see that from the constant succession of excuses.You feel your wife is capable of infidelity cause of her past promiscuity. And make no mistake. She was very promiscuous. I believe you may be questioning her loyalty. And wondering if she is doing something behind your back, satisfying her urges secretly, and not involving you. True?If this isn't resolved, you will grow even more bitter and resentful, driving an even deeper wedge between you. You may even be driven to cheat on her if the right opportunity came along.So, you need to talk to her. Tell her what you need. Hope the situation changes. But be prepared to leave her if it doesn't. No man can be deprived of sex and sexual intimacy forever nor should he have to be. Your wife is neglecting one of her very important duties to you as her husband. Wish you well.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 September 2017):
 I think one thing that could help you it would be to start disconnecting question 1 from question 2 . It sounds like you resent her because she used to be frisky and sexually "hungry " in other times with other men, so why can't she be the same with you now.
First, not all situations, relationships , moods, state of minds are the same and stay the same in time. For same reason, which I can't even begin to fathom not knowing the context, she lost her sexual appetite. If she had lost her appetite, say, for food - you would not reproach her because when she went out with other men 10 years ago she used to scarf down tons of pizza, and you would not jusr demand that she eats more . You'd try to figure out when / how / why she went off her food , and / or to come out with appealing recipes to bring her appetite back.
Regardless, - even of you had married a totally inexperienced virgin you could find yourself in the very same predicament. Alas , losing your sexual connection within the marriage is not that unusual, and it has nothing to do with how many sexual encounters one had before THAT marriage.
There may be tons of reasons. Life interferes- work, money troubles, physical tiredness, children, stress, depression. Or lack of sex may be the " physical " symptom of a relationship that has deteriorated emotionally; tiffs and incomprehensions erode sexual desire. It may be that romance is lacking, novelty , adventure, and in time sex becomes reliable and predictable, and just , well.. boring. It may be that she is unhappy with her life or aspects of her life, not necessarily with your relationship- and unhappy people are not very sexual. There could be many reasons- but none has a direct correlation with her rambumctious past. " Good girls " ( and good guys ) get tired of marital sex too, unluckily. Just ask around.
Another thing I would reflect about is .. isn't it quite petty keeping this kind of score ? I mean, I understand and respect those people who say they'll only have sex out of love, if deep feelings are involved- and they stick to that. But once you practice recreational sex, do numbers really have meaning ? 10, 20, 50- is it really that different ?
Like, less than two digits does not sound particularly low to me ( nor particularly high either ). Considering that you got married at 26-30. So, let's give you a 10 years of dating before you met your wife : - are you really telling me that you were serious, and sincerely in love , with all of your 9 -or-so partners ? A new true, future - oriented love, a new overwhelming passion... every 13 months ?... Come on. Probably you were like everybody else, practicising also recreational sex, and availing yourself of all the sexual chances that came your way , as long as you were attracted, of course. You too , like your wife, had sex for " fun ". And once one subscribe to this concept, that it's OK to have sex as a recreational activity ( which is a matter of personal choice and values, not necessarily something bad, wrong , immoral ) - then what's good for the gander is good for the goose. Maybe your wife just had more opportunities coming her way, maybe she was hotter than you:), lol- maybe she had less discriminating tastes; but once that two people share the same *core attitude* toward sex, i.e. as something that does not have necessarily to be important or serious- then, is it 9 or 27 or X - really that different , at the end of the day ?
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (22 September 2017):
 Op, you knew about her past before you asked her to marry you so I find it a bit odd that its now such a huge problem for you.
Let's bring you back to reality:
The two of you have two little kids so you have to get over her past. How do you do that? by accepting that it's who she was and who she WAS is not who she currently IS. We all grow up and move on from old habits so count this as one of hers. You have to come to terms with her past, not just for your own good but for the sake of your little family.
Next, you cannot force sex on her so there's no sure fire way to get her to do anything. Again, the two of you have kids so that can affect one's sex life to change majorly especially since she's the one who's body changed and she's the one who dealt with all of the hormonal changes so we can see how her sex drive could have changed drastically.
You can take her out and romance her a bit. I'm sure she wouldn't turn you down if the situation were really romantic and thoughtful. Maybe what she needs is to be romanced and treated. When was the last time you did something nice for her? Try to reignite the spark that has fizzled out over time and that may help with your sex life. Other than that, there's a lot of work that you need to do on yourself.
I hope that my input will help.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, mr toyboy +, writes (22 September 2017):
Hey man,i understand how you fell, we are in a similar boat.I have slept with 22 people, including my wife. She also does not have a definite number. When she broke up with her last boyfriend, according to her, she used to go clubiing and go home with the first cute guy that wanted to take her home.She had a thing with a married guy, a drug dealer, a threesome with a roommate and her boyfriend, you name it.We have been together for 9 years, married for 3 years.Just yesterday, we were talking about the same issues.The difference though is, even though shes had more than me, i try not to think about it too much. We have a 2 year old boy, but still have sex twice weekly, of which she does not deny me of sex at all, which i commend her for, but just like you, i still ask myself, why do i have to doing everything expected of a husband to have her, but others didnt have to do any work to take her to bed in the past, but hey, that is now in the past and i dont let it bug me at all.Try to leave that in the past, you cant undo it, but you need to encourage her to go get help. Contraceptives can also kill women's libido, maybe you guys can review all the options out there.There is really no reason why you must have sex only twice a year with you wife. That is just not right, she should definitely seek help.
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female
reader, DancerGirl1984  +, writes (22 September 2017):
That is exactly what that is, THE PAST. I don't understand why men feel the need to know a woman's sexual history. It is no ones business. What is worse, you are punishing her for being open and honest about the question you asked.You have no reason to be upset with her.Us as women sometimes go through droughts of ex as we feel that our long term partners will understand that we are not always in the mood. Just because she was always up for it in her early years doesn't mean that will always be the case.You should reassure her that you love her no matter what and don't pressure her into sex. Communication, time alone doing things you both enjoy and weekends away should help you get close to her again but never make it all about you and your needs. That is off putting to a woman.
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