A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I was in a short relationship with a guy for around eight months. During this time we developed very strong feelings and connection. Subsequently we split up around six months back, due to differences in the area of affection. His love language if you like is more words where mine is physical contact. This created issues. We were both pretty devastated. However I did a lot of reaching out to him through the months that followed, and he was always kind and never ignoring etc, pointing out that while there remains deep feeling it doesn't mean we should be together.Fast forward to now, around six months post split. He contacts me a few weeks back saying he misses me and we get together a couple of times. We are both in the middle of a lot of changes, so decide to settle into those and then look at If there might be something between us again that is more than a friendship.We are now at that point where we are both settled into these changes in our lives (work, moving etc) and I heard from him this week. Initially it seemed to me the tone of his message was let's meet, and I presumed he meant as in ready to look at what might be possible now relationship wise. However when we spoke, this wasn't the case at all, and it was him basically saying his life remains in a state really, no talk of feelings or us or anything, all the type of talk I would have with a close friend I guess.I am wondering if pursuing this in regard to more than a friendship is a waste of time. Surely if he actually wanted that irrespective of his situation he'd be relating it? Or would he not do so. I feel more of a supportive friend than anything else, and wonder if anything would grow from that once he is more sorted? He's the sort that would only do one thing at a time really, very ordered and can't cope with too much or should I back off completely and leave him to it? I kind of feel I am too available for him in his hour of need and there's therefore no commitment needed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2017): No, don't settle for being placed in the friend-zone knowing you want more. That would be pathetic and desperate.
He knows exactly what you were expecting; and you shouldn't settle for the consolation prize of "friendship." That is not what you want or need. He shows no affection, and you need it. So why waste your time?
Dear woman, don't let your age make you believe you have to reconcile yourself to the terms men set for you. I know what women falsely-perceive about themselves when dating over 40! I'm wise! I've learned a thing or two about life and people!
Never settle! Maintain your dignity, and move on. A pat on the head like a child, and some sappy sympathy-speech is too condescending. It's all beneath you! Dust him off your shoulders, sweetie!
He doesn't want what you had (whatever it was), and he has clearly explained that to you. Now you have to be an adult and accept that for what it is. He's not capable of physical-affection. He's deficient in a very important area!
That's a red-flag with "deal-breaker" printed on it. He goes in the "reject" pile. Don't adopt the attitude that "any man is better than no man." That's how losers think!
Being a "friend," when you want more; is clinging-on by false-hope that he might change his mind. Thereby placing your life and your feelings on-hold. Stunting your growth; and preventing you from meeting someone better and meant for you.
The process of detachment from someone you like is difficult; because our sense of entitlement for what we want is stubborn. Destiny will disturb that mindset and derail our obstinance. The heart likes to struggle with common-sense and logic. In this case, listen to logic.
Wish him well. Move on, go no-contact, and allow yourself to to get-over him altogether. Nobody likes rejection, and it's your bruised-ego that makes you feel so shitty that he let you down. He makes you feel like you're not good enough.
If he's an old-plug who shows no real affection; he's not good enough!
Put your dignity first. You're an intelligent and mature woman. You can, and should, find someone else willing to be on the same page.
Your destiny for love is not in his hands, girlfriend! Let him go make "friends" with some frigid-female who will settle for a handshake and sweet-talk. You've got more life and fire in you than that!
On-call when needed? Oh, hell NO!!!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 September 2017):
 And no commitment wanted, either. Didn't he tell you that, although there might still be feelings , that does not mean that you should be together ? He should know, since at a certain point, regardless of feelings, he broke up with you- or acted in a way that forced you to break up. If it does not work, it does not work. Even with feelings.
Should you wait until he is sorted ? define sorted.
Nothing is really definitely 100% sorted in life, is it ?. That's ... what life is about. Challenges. Dealing with new situations, new problems. Changes. You change job, get settled in the new job, but then you have to move , get settled in the new apartment, but then you get sick, then you heal but then kids go to college or get married or a grandkid is born. Etc. That's just the flow of life, things happening, good and bad, and all requiring in some measure your focus, attention, energy , resources. Generally people feel up to deal , the best they can, with whatever life puts on their path AND cultivate their personal relationship at the same time- if they want one. Obviously I am not talking of sudden , devastating tragedies, but , that someone choses to not be in a relationship JUST because he has to change apartment, or change car, or change hours at work- uhm. I am skeptical. I don't see it happening.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 September 2017):
 Do you WANT another friend or are you looking for a partner?
It didn't work the first time around and not just because how you two express love but you two just weren't a good match. It happens.
He might have realized that he feels lonely and that you did CARE so it's not uncommon for people to reach out to an ex in hopes of prolonging the feeling of having someone in your life.
Being more "sorted" is not going to change who you are and who HE is. Nor is it magically going to make it work between you.
If he treats you like a friend or therapist, then you decide if you want to BE that to someone or if you rather just move on with life and look for that partner.
I don't think he is looking to rekindle a relationship, he is looking to have someone to talk to and maybe have sex with. At least till he finds someone to date.
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