A
female
age
30-35,
*rueLoveWaits2016
writes:After still feeling neglected, I told my bf exactly why I was feeling down. In the last couple of weeks I have noticed that I was initiating the messages, which is ok, but I feel like I'm pestering esp being the only one initiating Messaging was even between us until 2 weeks ago. Today he didn't text me until after 12 in the afternoon which has NEVER happened before. He told me he was gong to, but was running late or something to that extent (convenient right?). Idk what to believe cause I've heard those excuses before. What is going on? Are these just excuses? Should I worry?
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female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 +, writes (26 September 2017):
TrueLoveWaits2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLast week I actually pushed myself to get out there and went out a couple nights out of the week. He was very concerned about me going out w/out him, but I wasn't going there to flirt w/other guys, though I went the last I went out and felt kinda spiteful (bad I know), I joked w/him about other guys (I feel bad, but I have a habit of bottling my feelings and not saying anything, just acting out).I'm not one to need constant reassurance, I know that can drive someone up the wall. When behavior changes, I know something is wrong. If he didn't used to send good morning/night messages and random during the day, then that wouldn't be an issue. He said he would try harder to not to make me feel that way, but makes me feel unimportant to him if he takes more then 10 hours to text or reply to my text.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 September 2017):
 You know, I am much older than you and I remember what dating was like before the cell phone. There could go DAYS where you didn't talk to your BF/GF. Getting a phone call was awesome though I think (at least in my friends' circle) people spend more TIME together in person than on various tech.
I would LOVE for you to go to the library and find this book:
Together is better.
By Simon Sinek.
Or you can google him and watch some of his talks on YouTube.
What he proposes is amazingly simple. (at least from my standpoint) and that is to LEARN to BE in the moment with the people around you, not rely on tech to make friendships or relationships work. That because WE all get a little burst of "happy hormones" when receiving texts" we get a bit "addicted" to the constant contact and instant gratification.
What exactly do you NEED to talk to him about all during the day?
Do you believe that if he isn't texting you, he isn't thinking about you? Out of sight out of mind (but with texting)?
You talk about having spent a WEEKEND together and goes straight into complaining that he didn't *gasp* texted you till noon!! The next day. What really is so important that this was not OK? He works 2 jobs! So he is hardworking. When he is at work, CHATTING with you is NOT a priority. Which is AS IT should be. He is HIRED to work, not chat with his GF and exchange meme's, pictures or quotes or random little "gimme me attention!!" texts.
I'm sorry if I sound a little harsh but you ARE a grown woman.
WHY do you FEEL like a relationship isn't working unless you get x amount of text a day?
Verbalize that, if you can.
And then consider it's NOT uncommon for communication to not only ebb and flow during a courtship/dating/relationship or even marriage.
What are YOU doing during the day when you are expecting all this communication? Not working? Not focused?
I think YOU would do well in learning to chill a bit more.
More texts don't = stronger emotions.
Slow down and LET him do some chasing too.
SAY what you mean and mean what you say. So when you say to him:" OH you are not going to lose me blah blah blah" but it's followed up by a: " doesn't give him a free pass to neglect me" - that sounds like a threat to me and honey... that is NOT how you build a healthy relationship. It sounds like you are placating him in hopes he will READ your mind and DO as you want him to do.
HE isn't a dog. OR a mind reader.
Let me put this question to you.
IS IT possible that he CAN'T text because of the work that he does? OR that he rather TALK to you in person?
If so, WHAT is so bad about that?
DO you REALLY need the constant text throughout the day to feel like he cares?
I'm trying to figure this out. I DO realize that I am of an older generation who frankly don't give a shit about how much my husband calls or text while at work. I GET that he is at work and we can TALK/GOSSIP/GOOF when he gets home. I'm still of the attitude that texting is NOT for important communication but for little "emergencies" - like Honey pick up some milk on the way home or... I'll be 15 minutes late or don't forget your doctor's appointment at 3:30 - stuff like that.
I RATHER not have my husband drive and text me insipid blah blah stuff I can hear later. I rather he drives from A to B safely and talks when he gets home. If he isn't heading home I would have received an "at the doctor's' or whatnot.
I'm not saying your feelings are invalid - I just don't get it. And frankly? I don't think this guy is either.
If you have a need for constant reassurance maybe he isn't for you. Or maybe you actually NEED to spell it out. Like I would really like a "good morning" or "goodnight" text or whatever and HE can decide if that works for him and you can decide if what you get is fulfilling your needs.
From MY perspective? It makes you seem really needy. It makes you seem like you are SABOTAGING the relationship before it REALLY gets started. And you are doing it by nitpicking him.
I deal with OCD every day. So I know what it is like when things don't go as planned. Your brain goes into overdrive. Where I try and readjust (which is hard) and roll with the punches (took some therapy to learn that! and Yoga) YOU make up all these reasons as to WHY he isn't doing XYZ as you want him too. Like he MUST not be interested. He must not care. I must build walls and push him away before he pushes me away. That is like living in high alert mode and THAT isn't healthy.
If I am totally off my rocker, then I apologize and then disregard this answer... If I hit something and you think well, maybe?
Consider taking Yoga lessons. Learn to chill and focus. And yes you can actually do BOTH at the same time!
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A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 +, writes (26 September 2017):
TrueLoveWaits2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI still take the bus, idk why he even brought that up. I understand people cannot text all day, had a guy like that and he wanted me to text all the time, like I couldn't go an hour w/out texting him. In the past I didn't feel this neglected. I know he is working 2 jobs atm, so he is at work all day. He has done this in the past for a couple weeks (he is doing this for a month) and I never felt this way. We spent all weekend together and after a couple brief texts in the morning, I haven't heard from him all day (I can see he has been active through those hours), I'm just gonna see what happens.This weekend he told me he was afraid of losing me due to his schedule, which I told him wouldn't happen, though this doesn't give him a free pass to neglect me. I am starting to build walls cause I feel something is off and I'm preparing for the worst case scenario.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 September 2017):
 Did you sort out the bus situation ? Did you talk him about drivung you back home, so that you can spend more hours together on weekend ?...
Based on that post, and on a previous one ( something about him not contacting immediately after coming back from a trip ) it sounds like there's some push-and-pull, some Tweetie - and- Sylvester dynamics betwen you.
Now, we do not know the whole background of the questions, and out of a general context it's hard to say if this happens just because he is not that into you ... or because you are tryng to make him play by your relationship rules, which maybe are not his rules.
I mean, maybe you have in your head a " rule " that a good boyfriend texts everyday before noon , or texts several times in a day, or texts the moment he is alighting back from his trips etc.- and he thinks this is silly, superflous or controlling. Or, simply, texting is not really his thing .
I must say that you do sound like a rather anxious person, but I do not imply that you are clingy or needy . You could just have more need / wish for closeness and emotional intimacy than he has - neither would be right or wrong. It's like sex drive; some people want sex every day, some just once a week or less- neother is wrong, it's just a matter of compatibility , and of finding a balance, a meeting point half way.
Personally,- with not much evidence, Ok- I think is the second one; i.e. he IS into you, but you are too intense, too full on for him. I base this guess on the fact that you say that you have been introduced to, and spending time with, his friends ( which probably he would not have bothered with if you were just a passing fancy ) , that you spend time together regularly every week even if he works long hours, and that you define him loving and caring. If it weren't for this fact that you need at times to push him and prod him.
Stop pushing and prodding anyway. It will be the best in both cases.
If he is just messing with you , it won't be by pestering and chasing that you'll make him more interested. Au contraire ! Anyway, I think you should gauge his level of interest by his actions, not his texts. Check out what he does IRL. For instance, are your dates just about sex and staying in, or do you share interests/ have fun together also out of bed ?
If it's a difference in dating style and emotional needs- relax; you can work it out. In time. Threading lightly. Talking to him about your wants and needs, but not in a dramatic, accusatory, " you are neglecting me , you are mean " way, and seeing if you can meet halfway and find a point of balance that works for both.
This is a new relationship, right ? Just a couple of months. You still have to find your sea legs in it, to grow on each other.
Then again, you also have to be very clear about your wants and needs, and your dealbreakers. If a lot of contact, a lot of verbal communication, a lot of attention is a must for you, and there's a certain level of it , without which you cannot be happy and feel good,- then maybe this is not the guy for you and you need someone more attentive and affectionate, because no compromise would fulfill you enough.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2017): Leave him alone. It might just be a head-game. Keep busy and go do stuff to make yourself feel good. He needs some time to think. Maybe you need more time to decide if you're happy remaining in this relationship.
Don't conduct your relationship by messages. You have to read real emotions and judge by a person's actions aside from how quick they holler back.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (22 September 2017):
 I agree with everything that honeypie has said.
It's time for you to stop doing the chasing and be chased. Let your man take some initiative for once and romance you.
Maybe his excuses aren't excuses and they really are true. Who knows. Maybe just go on a date out to some place that you will both have time to talk. Have a serious talk about it. If I were you I'd really also have a look at things once I've taken a step back a bit. Maybe there's a reason for it? How long have the two of you been dating? It could be that he's over the lovey dovey honeymoon phase of the relationship OR maybe he's been really busy OR maybe he just isn't that into you anymore.
We'll never know for sure without more details but whatever the reason is, I hope that you find some clarity.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 September 2017):
I'd pull back and let him do the chasing (so to speak) let him do the initiating. If he doesn't notice that you aren't texting/calling as often it might BE a problem. Or it might be that he isn't big on texting just for the sake of texting.
Or he might pick up the slack.
How often do you actually meet up and talk in person?
I ask because you really can't carry a relationship over text. There need to be more and better interactions.
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