A
female
age
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*atersgal
writes:I have written in before about my fiance's ex wife and 3 adult girls abusive behavior and was given advice that we followed and basically blocked them off of facebook, and just continued living our lives. My fiance was able to reconnect with a sister he has not been in contact with for 30 some years. they were messaging first for a few days then the very day the friend request went thru she tells him that same day that his daughter is texting her at the same time crying because she needs to see him .... he tells her not after all that they have said and that they need to get a grip basically on themselves. I dont know exactly how it went down but the next day his sister leaves him a message telling him she was sorry and all that mattered to her was remaining in contact with him and she mentioned something about responding to a posting that was slamming us. we are getting married on the 21st of march and i know it is disappointing to him that these daughters have acted and treated he and I so terribly. I went ahead and unblocked them so that he could do what he wants. Long story short we came across the posting that the ex wife put up and it was lengthy, gross, and showed what I had said all along. She unbelievably jealous. We have done the ignore and hope it will go away and it doesn't seem to be happening. This ex is dropping to what I would hope to be an all time low however it may not be from all i have observed. he called his ex and his two biological daughters the 3 most active in all of this. He ended up getting voicemail on all the phones. not surprising so he left the message that they need to pay attention to their own lives stay out of ours and enough is enough. (He has been divorced for 20 years or so, no i was not the cause of it. she has even remarried in like 98 however her husband dumped her for a period last year and that is when she started on her pursuit of my fiance when he was incarcerated) These people are unreal they are contacting everyone on the friends list that they think they can whine to and get them to send messages. obviously the aunt that hehad not been in communication with for so long seen through the junk right away and even commented on the nasty posting stating her disapproval for being used because they knew its all been due to their crap but are trying like all get out to make it appear like it is me keeping him from them or he is being a horrible person. My wedding is just a few short weeks away and i cannot not let this drama affect me. any suggestions? At this point i am to the point that i totally dont believe i will ever want them around. what do i do? i dont believe in putting my foot down when it comes to family but this is ridiculous. they have threatened to do what they can to make our lives miserable. i have been threatened physically, and i found out that the middle daughter and the ex wife both have restraining orders placed on them in the past different times and different situations i assume. my fiance and i get along so good these days since he has removed himself from the drama of his past. please help me. i cant handle the accusations and the fact that they continue painting the picture of them being the victims etc., and we try to maintain some class about ourselves and just ignore it. there are so many people on his friend list thatare on the others its so embarrassing. please advise. thanks.
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female
reader, tatersgal +, writes (15 April 2016):
tatersgal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who responded to my posting a year ago. We did get married and have not had his daughters or ex in any physical contact. We did a joint Facebook page and made it clear it was both he and I and that has worked out well. Things have evolved along now to point that the behavior by one of the daughters has been trying yo be made minimal by her now trying to play the well that was a year ago card. I'm not willing or interested on any interaction still yet to this day simply because of all the bullying that had been done before. My husband just makes excuses when they approach him about meeting up I wish he would just say it how it is but its his prerogative. I'm not telling him no about seeing them at all I leave that up to him. All I am concerned about is how it impacts me and my life. At this point I still have no interest in letting people in my life or my home that have done the type of things they have done. Am I wrong?
A
female
reader, tatersgal +, writes (4 March 2015):
tatersgal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry I know I probably seem crazy at this point. I couldn't figure out how to go back and edit my last response once I realized I failed to finish that the daughter never did really move. I know so what huh. Its just she is the one who swore she would make my life hell just because I am involved with her dad. These girls have never liked anyone he has been involved with and he has always ended up going to their weddings and events by himself until I came into the picture and I am also the one who always made sure presents were brought etc. When I look at him on his own I see a man who deserves me and the life we are living and planning. But when the junk that comes from his past and his kids I feel like I need to run like hell. I know this is not normal issues but I struggle with is there any way it could possibly work. Thank you for this site and allowing me to proccess this here. ??
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A
female
reader, tatersgal +, writes (4 March 2015):
tatersgal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont understand what you mean about an injunction? I was able to get Facebook to remove her posting and they indicated they were doing it without letting her know who complained. It doesn't bother me for her to know but that's just how I am. If I got problem with someone I don't feel its productive to deal with it behind someone's back but I guess I'm weird like that. At this point he is saying he is going to go ahead and not have any future contact but that was also what he has said twice before. The thought crossed his mind this time when he got the message from his sister that his daughter was online texting her and crying and she was going to be moving that weekend (this was on Thursday night) also earlier the same day a message from his neice (her mom is same sister I refer to here) on behalf of his daughter saying she is trying to contact him because she is moving the upcoming Wednesday/Thursday. We actually live in the middle a from her places she bounces back and forth to. I moved us to a town away from them and have been sure to do what I needed to keep our address unknown to insure we were able to get life restarted when he got released without all the drama and conflict that these girls bring with them everywhere they go. Its so sad to see the two main daughters in this have husbands with 1 child from current husband, 1 has 2 from previous the other 1 from previous then the current husbands come with 5 or so each so these girls do have lives they should be paying attention to. My family is way smaller and not perfect however no one ever has pulled what these people have nor I would hope think to try. If he truly does want a 'normal' life great I'm in but now that he has indicated that possibly one day maybe I just don't feel like I can let myself be involved. This last situation got me to the point of absolutely not. I try call off wedding because it isn't fair to two into a marriage like this but he just goes into the I am the only one he wants he won't have them around . . . he loves me . . . I love him yeah but this level of toxicity I feel even if I were to marry and deal with him seeing them on his own I just can't fathom that the grunge from there wouldn't slither in to our life. Am I being unreasonable? I was involved with a guy a real long time ago who was abusive and my son was 9 then he asked me 'mom, you taught me not to act or do those things. Why are you with someone who does them?' Guess I can't help but think about that now that I am with someone who has kids who are the opposite of the coin from mine. This sucks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2015): Hi. I put up with verbal and emotional abuse to my face and behind my back for 19 years from my now ex family in law. It never changed. My ex husband was weak on the topic and I felt very exposed. The whole experience has left me low in self worth and esteem. At times traumatised. I hope you read this and get away from it all. Nobody wins. There is just damage. I lost respect for my ex and it never returned. I feel we need to respect our partners and feel they are our rock. Can you get an injunction from a lawyer? Media law is strengthening too. It needs something to shame and shock. Ultimately though a man who will not stand up for you and stand by you is only ever gonna dissapoint. Looking back the signs I had before we married were there. Can you delay this marriage give yourself time?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 March 2015):
 He should have made it clear that he is emotionally divorced from these disruptive bullies.But IS he emotionally divored FROM them at the moment?If he wants to sit on the fence, and invite them to the wedding, in the hope that they'll ''play nice'' then he is a weak fool.More fool him.I presume that the two of you are paying for the wedding.Make it clear that IF He invites the ex or the 2 daughters, who have caused you so much pain, then you will not be attending. Tell him to remarry his ex if he is so intent on not supporting you.That would mean that his Ex would win and he'd be henpecked to distraction.If he can't show more consideration, support and empathy towards you and your issues then perhaps he deserves to live out his days with his EX, and one can only imagine how unhappy he'll be doing that.Don't focus on what he is getting out of this. Some perverse souls seem to enjoy two people vying for their attention.He has a choice. A good life with you?Or a miserable existence with his nagging virago always fighting and disrespecting you.?With the wedding so close you have some things that you need to discuss with him. Start as you intend to go on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 March 2015):
 Ahh so HE isn't consistent? He actually want these women in his life, no matter HOW they treat you and him?
If that is the case, DO NOT marry him, because THAT will not change.
And, no that doesn't make you a "bitch" for wanting some consistency from him. Either they are a part of your lives or they are not. And with them sprouting all this negativity all over Facebook (not that Facebook SHOULD matter to most) - he should want to cut them off.
I couldn't live like that. I'd see it as a weakness in him and that would make it a deal-breaker.
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A
female
reader, tatersgal +, writes (2 March 2015):
tatersgal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for your help. i have just found it to be a situation where it appears he gets upset about the antics and blows them off for a few months then a week or so ago he made mention of contemplating inviting to wedding. i just cannot deal with it. if it was just a random spouting off here and there but this has been two years of hell for me and all over me trying to do as i was asked and as i promised. i never felt this way about it for ceertain before but at this point i do. i will not allow them in to my life by any means. even if it is just him going to visit. im having a hard time with it because it is not how i believe things should be done however this is not a situation i created and i feel i deserve someone that has more consideration for me than to expect me to open my life up again to what is clearly blatant abuse. guess i am an evil bitch. oh well
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 March 2015):
Facebook may have it's good points but I'm yet to discover any. In the case of complete idiots, such as the ex wife and his daughters you are only giving them oxygen when you get upset at their shenanigans.
It may surprise you to know that there are families in the world where some members of the family HAPPILY choose to cut out of their lives the toxic members of their family.
Your future husband is divorced for a very good reason.
He recognized their toxic treachery and decided he did not need such rubbish in his life.
Don't react to their rubbish.
Accept that they can never play happy families.
Accept that they have no desire to be supportive nor are they friendly. Possibly not friendly to anyone unless the other party is as toxic and disruptive as themselves.
I hope you are NOT intending to invite them to the wedding?
Your Fiance is the only truly smart one in all this. He is completely aware of their malice and he has done the right thing and wiped them out of his life.
You should applaud his commonsense in all this.
His action is the only way to solve their toxicity.
Decommission your Facebook page and stop using. You most definitely do NOT need to advise anyone that you are, will or have done this. Just do it. NO one except the ex and her daughters are likely to care.
Let the ex and her daughters talk to a brick wall about a person who is not on facebook - they will look like the losers that they are.
The world got along fine before Facebook and the world will get along fine when Facebook folds one day.
There are some silly people in the world and his ex and the daughters are examples of that exact silliness.
If friends mention their posts then remind them that, ''What other people think or say about me is none of my business. I have a life to lead. I don't have time to dwell on what other people are thinking or saying. Let them worry about it. They seem to have plenty of time to waste doing the things they do''
Do not share your future plans with anyone who is likely to tell the ex or tell one of the daughters. Change your phone numbers.
From now on you'd do yourselves a favour if you concentrated on your fiance and your own family.
The best thing you could also do to give you and your fiance a fresh start is to relocate to a place far far away.
Life is for living.
A Good life is pleasant and peaceful and relaxing.
If you can relocate to a new place do not discuss the ex and her daughters with any people you meet there.
Effectively you need to treat the ex and her 2 daughters as if they have ceased to exist. They are hostile and negative and only mean to cause you distress.
If there are any close family members who are feeding this saga and Passing on pieces of information (and thus playing the same game) about your fiance or you to his ex or to his daughters then they too may need to be cut from your life.
Your fiance's sister was very very smart, she recognized that they tried to use her.
Try to be as similarly smart and instead concentrate on being supportive towards your fiance.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 March 2015):
I think blaming HIM for his ex-wife and ADULT daughters behavior is unfair.
HE has CHOSEN to deal with them BY ignoring them, my guess is HE knows full well that nothing else will work.
HE can not, you can not, MAKE these women behave decent. It's NOT going to happen.
STOP giving a FLYING FART about what they think or say - it's irrelevant - WHO cares? bunch of losers. That is what they are.
Taking to heart all the CRAP they post/say makes YOU feel bad, an thus THEY win. EVERY time you give them an inch, they win. CUT them OUT of your life. If someone in your circle of friends mention CRAP they post, tell your friend that you don't want to hear about it, that you don't care what they say. That you HAVE chosen to cut them out of your lives because they are sad and negative people.
Don't GET into arguments or try and JUSTIFY accusations from these women. It's pointless.
And if you have doubts about the wedding, don't go through with it.
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A
female
reader, tatersgal +, writes (1 March 2015):
tatersgal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for the feedback. yes getting off facebook and placing trust in others better judgement is the only real alternative. It just truly sucks because it is like being bullied and the bullies have won per say. silly part is there is no competition or prize. just another thing to add to the list of cons as to why they are not to be afforded another opportunity to come into my life and i will have to stand by that with my future too. i have done all i can do to avoid having to put it to the condition of me or . . . but in reality i kinda think that it was a lot of effort on their part to go this route. sorry for rambling. i always so felt that when you get involved with someone that includes their children and family. i never dreamed in a million years that i would encounter this type of behavior that would make it impossible. thank you all for your time and feedback. it helps so much to be able to come here and process this stuff.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2015): thank you for the responses. original poster here. i understand about the blocking and deleting which we did but to my dismay to find out that almost 1 year later this is still going on with the ex and kids. im just getting concerned if i may be making a drastic mistake going through with the wedding. its not supposed to be this hard. i have never ever seen the likes of this type of psychotic behavior and his ignoring it has just ended up making me more dissapointed in him and doubting to believe in his desire/abilities to care and protect our relationship if that makes sense. im so confused. if this were just a few random blowouts from them it would be one thing but this is an ongoing thing and with his daughters has been about 2 years worth and 1 year with the ex. am i over reacting? Is it a major mistake to marry someone whom i really feel that i want no involvement whatsoever with these people?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 February 2015):
 Sometimes.... you just have to get away from people who are toxic.... REGARDLESS how/if/when they may have had standing in your life/lives.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 February 2015):
Have you/your fiance contacted FB? To have these posts taken down as they are "defamation of character" posts?
I don't know IF FB will do a thing, but if they do well that would be good (it might not last) If they don't just CUT them off. Any friends on your Fiance's "friends list" should be grown people and able to figure out for themselves if they believe HIM or them. If they side with "them" cut them off too.
Get new cell phone numbers, only give it out to people you can trust with them.
You are STILL letting these petty women control your lives.
Do you two live near them? If not maybe moving is another idea. Get away from "their environment" - I know that isn't always doable. There is also going the LEGAL route, getting a lawyer and see what your LEGAL right are.
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