A
female
age
,
*mericanmama
writes:My son is 37 and marrying a 28 year old woman.My son is getting married this summer and im not happy with the way his fiancees family and friends re-acted at the engagement party 2 weeks ago because im afraid they will ruin the day of the wedding.She is a an irish girl he is marrying and when i asked her why would she want to be an americans wife she said she wanted to 'lighten him up' and loves him i thought oh 'haha 'shes charming, until she literally meant what she said to me after that i saw what her guests did at the engagement party and now know what is capable of happening on the big day.She invited 20 of hers to the party all were irish. They were all friendly the night started off brilliant until her father was drunk and started acting like a complete idiot, on the night of his daughters engagement party, it was awful.I had my neighbour who is a close friend of mine with me who gossiped the whole thing to the neighbors and it is ruining our reputation in the neighbour-hood it's embarrassing and my son doesn't realize it. The night was a disaster, from people falling over or being past out outside the venue from over drinking , my son just laughed at the idea of it but im paying for half of this wedding and if they all come to the wedding they are going to ruin the day making a laugh of him. Not to mind half the guests are belonging to her.I feel like telling my son to limit the amount flying over in the summer but afraid he will over react. He is in love with a crazed lunatic and i am disappointed because he has been so successful in his carrer over the last few years and to allow him to marry into this crowd of 'non serious in life' spectacles.What do i do or say? I know this wedding will turn out a complete disaster if i let them plan it themselves. I have been a wedding planner for years and i know my stuff. I'm paying for half this wedding and i expect it to be a success not a brewery or circus as her parents seem to be taking it. You may think i am interfering but im looking out for my son because i don't think he is aware of this and what this wedding could be
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drunk, fiance, neighbour, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 January 2012):
 The boy has LEFT THE NEST.... and the remainder of his life is HIS to live.....
Good luck....
A
female
reader, uroboros  +, writes (16 January 2012):
haha seems like you don't like the Irish much, do you?:)
and seriously, this is HIS wedding, not YOURS. let it all be his way :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): I don't know if there is much you can do about this except cut down your financial support of the wedding a bit maybe, so that decision is up to you to make.
Enjoying yourself is one thing, passing out and being inebriated makes it sound like some of her friends and family are alcoholic which is something to be concerned about. I would be upset if this happened at my engagement party and I'm really pretty surprised that your son and his fiance are ok with people passing out and being completely inebriated at this event.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 January 2012):
 I have to agree with this Uncle/Auntie :
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A male reader, unknown2u + ?, writes (16 January 2012):
I have to beg your pardon with this answer, but I get the impression that you're more concerned with your reputation than with your son and his fiance having the wedding experience THEY want.
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Your neighbors will soon find something else to gossip about.
Since you are paying half I really don't see why you can't talk to your son, but make sure that what you "want/demand" if fair and isn't about YOU or YOUR reputation. Talk to him about what HE expects for his wedding day and what you expect.
I really can't see why your neighbors can think ill of you because your son's future FIL/Inlaws were rowdy. how does that affect YOU?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (16 January 2012):
 I'm inclined to agree with the poster who said that perhaps you're feeling this way because you're paying for half the wedding. Do you think that if you remove the money matter, (and the nosey neighbors!!), would it still hurt quite as much?
And you say your son is a successful 37 year old, then why are you paying for the half of the wedding? Why doesnt he take care of it himself?
As regards the planning, you may be the best wedding planner in town, but some things are beyond your control. If your son feels that he can do a better job planning it, let him. Just sit back and watch, because in any case, that's all you will be doing. He is a grown man and capable of making his own decisions and sadly you cannot do anything,except tell him how you feel and hope he listens to you. Other than that, its his party. Literally.
As for the neighbors, you cant please everyone OP. Everyone has one embarrassment in their family, this could be yours! When someone mentions this to you, just say, "well, if I had my way this wouldn't be happening. But it could happen to anyone, right?"
Also, no offence whatsoever, but you seem to focus a bit much on the Irish thing. It doesn't matter in the least, trust me, there's no guarantee an American girl would be any better. Let go of the country and the biases associated with it, enjoy the wedding, maybe the girl might turn out to be good wife after all!!
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A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (16 January 2012):
I have to beg your pardon with this answer, but I get the impression that you're more concerned with your reputation than with your son and his fiance having the wedding experience THEY want. Particularly since you've been a professional wedding planner, you're taking it personally that her family and friends aren't living up to your expectations about how a set-piece American wedding is supposed to go off.
If it's not too late, then tell them you're not prepared to foot half the bill. Let them have their fun, even if that includes folk puking in the bushes. Regardless, it's not *your* day, it's theirs. If you son is comfortable with the lack of decorum that seems to be her family's hallmark, it's not your place to play Emily Post.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (15 January 2012):
 This is what happens when parents or family pitch in for the wedding: they start to have more pull and say as to what goes on. Would you feel better if you didn't pay for it? I am curious, though....Your son is 37 and successful, so why are you paying half of his wedding? It's not like he is 18 or in his early twenties with limited funds. I find that really strange as I would never want to financially burden my parents and I am 27! There is no reason why the families should be paying. They're old enough to foot their bills and then they can do whatever they want. No drama, or parent's trying to turn it into their visions.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 January 2012):
 Generally I have zero tolerance for drunken shenanigans and I can see your point perfectly, yet... it's their wedding, not yours. Your son is 37 , and capable to make his own decisions. He knows his fiancee', he knows her family, he knows what could possibly happen at the wedding, and if it does not bothers him, it should not bother anybody else. He has chosen to spend with this girl the rest of his life and probably he accepts with a philosophical shrug that the very first of this new life may start in a rather colourful way. The damage to his " reputation " , all in all, would be limited to some gossips that will be forgotten in no time , and if your guests , rather than feeling thankful for being generously wined and dined, and focusing on sharing the newlyweds' elation, prefer to focus on criticizing how other guests behave, they are the vulgar ones, not the Irish contingent.
I understand that you are annoyed also because you are paying half of the wedding and nobody likes to pay for something that goes against their wishes. That holds true also for the Irish parents though, aren't they paying for their half ?, yet you'd like them to pay for a sober ( in all meanings ) wedding that would not respond to their idea of a nice time.
Plus, allow me as an impartial third party from another country : I have lived many years in USA and while Americans have impressed me with many of their wonderful qualities,.. temperance and restraint weren't among them. I have seen people starting drunken brawls at First Communion parties !,at a foreign Embassy function right under the Ambassador's nose, ... how much worse can these Irish people be ??
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 January 2012):
 Sorry to say but I laughed at first on reading your question, it sounds like some of the disasters I have attended over the years.
But seriously, it would be very easy to say "who cares what the neighbours think" but I actually do care what mine think, after all I am the one who lives next to them.
Your son is 37, and old enough to know what he is doing. Unless he already has a few failed marriages under his belt (which would indicate a hisory of bad choices), I would just accept thier idea of an ideal wedding is a lot different to your idea of an ideal wedding.
Rather than allow your gossipy nieghbour put her spin on things, do some spinning of your own. When you meet somebody you feel may have been given the negative version of the engagement party, provide your own brand of propaganda ... "Oh the Irish, now I know what they mean by the craic!, but she's a lovely girl and I am sure they will be very happy," and if anybody comments "yes, the engagement was certainly different to what we Americans are used to, but she is a lovely girl and I am sure they will be very happy."
The differences are cultural. The bride's family see it as a reason to celebrate and party, with laughter, jokes, fun and too much alcohol.
Be happy for your son, and for the girl who is making him happy. After all the wedding is a celebration of THEIR decision to spend the rest of their lives together, so focus on that and let the rest slide.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012): More importantly, did your son think it was a disaster and was he unhappy with it? That's all that matters really.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 January 2012):
 I can understand why you are worried really I do, but at the end of the day this is his and his finance's big day. I know you are worried and concerned about him, but he is a growing man and am sure he saw for himself what they are like. He loves her therefore I guess you just need to accept this, if he is happy then you should be happy for him. You cannot tell him to not invite all of her family and friends, that is cruel, it is her wedding day after all. I think you need to take a step back from this. I understand that you are paying for half of this and you want it to be a success but at the end of the day nobody is forcing you to pay for it. He loves her for who she is, and we cannot pick our family. You might find it embarrassing and ruining your reputation but at the end of the day your neighbours will soon have someone else to talk about, don't take it personal as it is not you that they are talking about, but these other people. They just have a different way of living than you do, that does not make them any better or worse than you. You need to just let this go and accept it like your son has. Allow him to make his own choices and decisions. Good luck.
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