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My partner has become snappy and a little controlling. But what to do about my growing feelings for my boss?

Tagged as: Age differences, Dating, Faded love, Family, Friends, Health, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 May 2015) 6 Answers - (Newest, 30 May 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, *ealixmoon writes:

please bare with me with this question as it has been bugging me for a long time now and I'm at my wits end with it.

Basically, four years ago I met my partner and I thought he was amazing to begin with.

We became engaged in April of last year but I've begun to wonder whether I really want to marry this man.

He's not the same as he used to be, snappy and a little on the controlling side, we work and live together and there's never anything to talk about, Ii don;t remember the last time he really made me feel special to him.

He hates anything social now and doesn't really like me having a social life of my own. My family live him but a number of my friends have admitted that they think he is a dick.

this isn't really my biggest problem, my problem is that last year I began working at a new place, joining the team a month after my partner started, and thats how I met someone that I realise now, I have pretty strong feelings for.

He makes me laugh, he makes me feel different than my partner does, he actually turns me on.

We've been on staff nights out together a few times and we get on like a house on fire. he's thirteen years older than me and is currently my boss.

on the most recent night out, I ended up alone with him in his room where we just sat talking and drinking together, it was wonderful until he started trying to come on to me. Nothing happened because I got out of the room but since then, I've wished it had happened.

Now I don't know what to think any more, because I don't want to hurt my current partner but I don't want to feel trapped and unable to do anything about my feelings.

My boss leaves at the end of the coming month to start a new job and he offered a position with him to myself, my partner and another member of the team.

They don't wish to take it but I do, not just because of him but because of how much I can still learn from him about the industry we work and it's just a great opportunity in general.

Please help me shed some light on this, it's driving me insane and I'm not ashamed to say it's made me cry a few times because feel like a horrible person. I would never cheat, but I can't deny that my feelings are very muddled right now.

View related questions: engaged, my boss, trapped

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (30 May 2015):

Code Warrior agony auntIt's a bad policy to be romantically involved with co workers, let alone your boss. It's an easy way to destroy your career. If you can't control your attraction to your boss then there's no way you should follow him to another assignment and you shouldn't spend time with him socially. Furthermore, if your boss knows that you're engaged to one of his employees and he still tried to hit on you, that puts his morality and ethics into question.

If you dated your boss, your coworkers would immediately assume that you're trying to gain favor through sex. On the other hand, if you and your boss split up, then that puts you in a VERY bad position relative to his support of you.

You need to quit with the schoolgirl crush on the boss. This isn't high school, this is the working world and you need to be professional at work, not encouraging romance - especially with the boss. You can get the knowledge you need from other people. Following your boss given your strong feelings would be foolish.

As far as your fiance' goes, if he is being a dick now, then it will only get worse after you get married. You already know this. Have you discussed your feelings with him? If not, then you really need to do that in a non-combative way. If you have, and he's not making an effort, or he keeps reverting back to the behaviors that you don't like, then you will need to break up with him.

Whatever winds up happening, you don't marry him unless you feel comfortable with it. Also, if you decide to break up with him, dating the boss is NOT an option.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2015):

Clearly this isn't a guy you should be marrying, so I think you should start by breaking off that relationship first. Maybe you know your current relationship isn't right so you're looking (subconsciously) for a way out (I.e. Your boss!).

Or maybe your current partner has picked up on your relationship with your boss and that's why he's acting the way he is.

It's probably for the best that you look for another job.

If anything were to happen with your boss, then it would be really awkward at work, and if your boss suddenly starts dating someone else then it's not going to be nice for you.

You could stay in touch with your boss as a friend and see if anything happens in the future, but I shouldn't count on it working out. Your boss doesn't sound like a particularly great guy, knowing you're engaged to one of his employees and still coming on to you.

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A female reader, MaskOn United Kingdom +, writes (30 May 2015):

MaskOn agony auntIn my opinion, you should leave the guy you're with.

It sounds like you already know that and actually want to but you want someone else to make the decisions for you. If you get married to this man when you aren't even happy to be with him and you have feelings for someone else, it's not going to make your life any easier later on.

It's even likely to effect other peoples lives like your friends who have already admitted to not liking him or maybe in the future, the children you may have with him.

A marriage is a big deal and it's supposed to be a life time commitment. Something like hurting your current partner lasts only a short while compared to the life time you hurt yourself being with someone you didn't want to be with.

While a relationship can have a lot of emotions, at the end of the day you should feel glad to still be by your partner's side and want to be there no matter what. If you're not feeling that, then he's probably not the one for you. Don't get yourself stuck on the past because you have to look to the future and what it will bring. Leaving him may be hard and it might bring a lot of sleepless nights with tears, tissues, and ice cream, but eventually you'll find happiness with someone you actually really want to be with.

You might just be feeling like this with your boss because you don't feel satisfied with the relationship you have. I'm not saying it's true but it's a possibility. Therefore, before getting anything started with your boss, wait a little for the emotional feelings to cool down and so that you don't end up using him like a rebound. However, this doesn't mean that you shouldn't take the job. TAKE THE JOB. That also helps to get yourself some distance from the perhaps soon to be ex. If you think the job will benefit you, don't let anything stand in your way.

Make it clear to your boss that you're currently getting over someone but let him know that you want something between the two of you when you're ready to be dating again. Once you've got over the relationship you had, try seeing if you can have something with your boss. Don't rush things and make sure to get to know him well before thinking about dating. Take it slow and be sure that you're comfortable with everything.

Even if he turns out not to be the one, just remember that you matter and your happiness is important to you and many people. Don't trap yourself in a relationship with someone that you don't feel is working out and listen to the opinions of your friends and family to a certain extent.

I hope it all works out for you!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2015):

Ok, it's a bit unclear whether you've feelings for your boss or for a colleague?

You do NOT want to marry him? Leave him NOW.

There's no "ifs" or "Buts" about it.

Boss=NOT the guy you won't to sleep with= take the new job

Boss= the guy you want to sleep with= do NOT take THAT new job, but continue looking for another opportunity so that you can get away from your ex and start the healing process

I do NOT think you should jump into a NEW relationship so soon after a long-term commitment-you'd be confused and are prone to make mistakes.

ALSO, if colleague KNEW you were engaged = what a SLEAZEBAG!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2015):

Your feelings for your boss are not real..It is just fantasy because you need an escape from your real relationship.

Your boyfriend is controlling and isolateing you which are the first red flags you should be looking at.Those red flags are how an abuser first starts out.You need to break it off with him now.After you do that do not date anyone for a while until you get to know yourself.

It might also be a good idea to look for another job where you are not around either man.A good rule to follow is..never ever date anyone from work.A breakup could cost you your job.I know it is hard but it is what you must do.

Your boss making a move on you was the wrong thing for him to do.In the usa that is called sexual harassment.I do not know your laws but here that is grounds for a rather large lawsuit.

You see he was using his position of power to take advantage of you and I am so glad you did not allow him to have sex with you because I am sure that he has done this before and he will do it again.Maybe you should consider talking to an employment lawyer for advice on how you should proceed on this matter so you can protect future women in this work place because he will do it again.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2015):

End the engagement and call it a day. If you were happy you wouldn't be this distracted by another man.

It doesn't matter what your friends or your family think of your fiancé, what matters is whether you are happy. Don't feel obliged to stay just because you're engaged, it is better to end it now than waiting until your married.

People change, and you are changing and not seeing your bf in the same way; it seems he is changing and generally becoming unattractive to you because of his personality.

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