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Why are women turned off by inexperienced men?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 May 2015) 17 Answers - (Newest, 2 June 2015)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Why does inexperience turn women off ? Why is it that if a guy never had a girlfriend before, he is a turn off to the vast majority of girls that are non-virgins and have had their share of boyfriends or just been in a relationship before, and sadly the older a guy gets and he is still inexperienced, the more of a turn-off it becomes to women, the worse it gets.

I got this quote from somewhere:

"There is actually an evolutionary reason for this. In primates in the wild, females tend to be more attracted to a male that has already mated because it is less of an evolutionary risk. Some other female has weighed the pros and cons of the male and viewed the risk worth taking, meaning she may have an insight you lack.

Is a womans mentality, mindset similar to that of a hiring-manager, employer? they want the candidate that is in demand? or is there more to it than that?

View related questions: never had a girlfriend

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A female reader, like I see it United States +, writes (2 June 2015):

like I see it agony auntI can type anything I want here, regardless of truth, and once I hit "Add Your Answer" it too is a quote on the internet... just saying :)

I don't think inexperience is a turn-off to most women, provided there's no major good REASON why a guy has had little to no luck with the ladies. If a guy is a virgin BECAUSE, say, he doesn't pay attention to basic personal hygiene and spends all his free time smoking weed and playing video games in his mom's basement... well, it's easy enough to imagine why women might not be falling all over themselves to be with that guy. But in cases like that virginity is a SYMPTOM of the real issue, rather than being the issue itself.

The difference I do see is that inexperience in men is not PRIZED or sought actively the way some men go crazy over inexperienced/virgin women. And I think the main reason for that is that men and women have different insecurities in the bedroom. My experience, based on various conversations with friends of both sexes and on observing the types of questions commonly asked on this site, is that most concerned women are worried about, say, what they look like naked or whether their partner will be put off by their (stretch marks/cellulite/breast sag/thick thighs/flat butt/you name it), whereas men for whom experience level is a consideration tend to get hung up on things like whether their "experienced" partner has enjoyed prior encounters with a bigger penis than theirs, and whether they can possibly measure up. It's a lot easier to assume that your lover is totally satisfied with your penis if you know for a fact she has little or no memory to compare it to, so men for whom this is an insecurity actively seek out women like that. I suppose you could try to argue that penis size is to men as breast size is to women, but there just doesn't seem to be that much concern coming from women with experienced partners that their partner may at some point have had sex with someone who had a larger cup size. Breast size just isn't tied to being a good lover (for women) the way men seem to assume (wrongly, but frequently) that big penis = mind-blowing sex.

Personally, if I were single my only concern about taking a guy's virginity now would be the fact that I myself am not remotely a virgin. Some people really want (and this is completely understandable) their first time to be with someone who has ALSO waited to share that experience. I wouldn't want to deprive someone of that opportunity if it were meaningful to him. Other than that, it wouldn't be a big deal at all. Teaching someone who you love and value as a person to please you (and be pleased) is by no means "too much effort" to be worthwhile.

Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (31 May 2015):

They're not. They are however turned off by guys who spend a lot of time turning mice into elephants in their heads. You're afraid women will be turned off by your inexperience so you probably googled that fear and ran into a lot of insecure, bitter guys who tell you that nice guys finish last and more of that kind of BS. Problem with that stuff is that it's been repeated so much by guys (never by women, which should give you a clue) that they've started to believe in their own myths.

Also, there are a lot of couch scientists/psychologists/you name it everywhere sprouting their views. Doesn't make them legit. That quote sounds like it came from one of those I-will-turn-you-into-a-women-magnet-for-this-much-$$ public speaker kind of guys. They first create the problem: "women are turned off by your inexperience!" Then they give their BS argument, insert that quote. And then they tell you how much money you should pay them to finally understand women and get into their pants.

Don't fall for it, man. Men like that aren't actually popular with women. They're usually dangerous predators. So get out of your head and off the internet for a while and start meeting up with people of flesh and blood, be it through hobbies, work, whatever.

Sure, being inexperienced isn't handy in a one-night stand. But lots of guys don't exactly make an effort to be good in bed during a one night stand, so if you mess up the woman you're doing it with probably thinks you're one of those guys.

Look, inexperience is a construct in your head. Every single person is different. What turns one person into a boneless heap will totally turn off someone else. You gotta communicate. Ask her what she likes. Ask for feedback. Be a receptive lover. That's the path to good sex. And a lot of 'experienced' people still need to learn that lesson.

So the question isn't whether or why women are turned off by inexperience. The question is why should it matter what the general consensus is. It's not going to help you. And information you can't use, is useless.

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A female reader, LiveAnnLearn Serbia +, writes (30 May 2015):

LiveAnnLearn agony auntIt's definitely not the lack of experience that's turning girls off, but it would be a kind of a red flag to me what's the reason for that lack of experience.

It would work for me if this guy wasn't able to connect with a girl emotionally, or had attachment issues - personally I even think being "damaged" is more sexy than not being damaged at all. It would be ok if he's physically undesirable and that's what was hindering him, as long as his personality compensates for that. It wouldn't work for me if the guy is passive and just looking for excuses not to try anything out with girls. Fear of rejection is something I can definitely relate to on human level, but wouldn't want my guy to have (or at least to show).

Basically confidence is a huge turn on, not just for me but for other girls I know as well, I could even find an evolution related quote about that ;)

My advice to that guy (I assume yourself) would be to

1. define why is he inexperienced, and think of the most socially desirable way in which he will present the fact to future girlfriend(s)

2. be forward and confident about it - it's a part of who he is at this point and there's absolutely NOTHING about it to be ashamed of, or to make him any less desirable

3. it's not something written on his forehead, maybe not even something a girl would necessarily need to know about before things get serious and 4. when it comes to confidence "fake it till you make it"

Good luck :)

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (30 May 2015):

Code Warrior agony auntScientists trying to understand attraction are like a bunch of monkeys trying to fuck a football. The evolutionary forces they theorize about are only valid as statistical generalities over a long period of time and large number of occurrences. They have no validity at all with regard to individual choices.

Seriously, do you look at a woman and immediately evaluate her in terms of various scientific categories and evolutionary traits? No? Neither does anyone else. I chuckle at pseudo intellectuals who try to explain individual behavior in terms of evolution. They are clueless.

Look, I'm not saying that there aren't women out there who will reject an inexperienced guy, there are. There are plenty of guys that will reject inexperienced girls.

Look, sex just isn't that hard. If you care about pleasuring the other person more than you care about pleasuring yourself, then it's pretty easy. Admittedly, some people are better at setting the mood than others, and that can have an impact on the perception of the whole experience, but I think 2 people who care about each other will find a way to set the mood.

The simple truth is that if you believe no experience is a handicap then it will become a handicap. You will stumble as you try to avoid the subject, or you will try to BS your way through the subject and say things that betray your lack of experience. Basically, you will come across in a way that seems like you're hiding something or being fake. It will also make you appear less confident. It will leave a less positive impression and may result in you getting rejected more.

You're going to have to learn how to own your lack of experience and be confident about it. You're still going to get rejected more often that not, but that's just life for most people.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2015):

What a load of rubbish. Women don't care if a guy is inexperienced. They'd be far more concerned about a guy with too much experience than too little!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 May 2015):

How do you conclude women are turned-off by inexperienced men?

Even worse, you're quoting from some absurd observation made by some unidentified author; which has no true scientific evidence to support it. If it was a real quote, you'd have to identify the author for any credibility to the comments. What can't be verified has no merit.

Everyone has a preference or preconceived criteria of what they want in a mate. Nature assigns one set of biological rules for gender; and human-nature and society creates their own.

We are influenced by religion, bias, prejudice, and contradictions. Mainly due to ignorance. Then we owe the rest of our problems to a plethora of self-induced insecurities.

Some human-conditioning comes from inherent societal influences; and nowadays almost everything is based on what we gather from the media. All that is laced with hype, innuendo, and total bullsh*t! The gullible swallow all this crap, and develop complexes based on absolute trash.

There is a wide-range of what women prefer; and they are usually much more accepting about flaws in men, than men are with women. Unless you tell a woman you're a virgin, she has no way of knowing. A man could have tons of sexual experience and have dated many women; and be totally inept as a lover. Sex is part instinct and part skill. Experience doesn't necessarily make you good in bed. Some guys are womanizers from the word go, and if you took a survey from the women they've had; you'd determine he's a self-proclaimed stud, and a legend in his own mind.

I've never met a woman who cared how much experience a man had. Generally, they prefer a man able to express his feelings for her, willing to please her sexually, and capable of demonstrating his attraction in a caring and adult way.

Many men who allow too much time to pass before they reach a point they can handle rejection from women; have issues or emotional problems that have arrested their psychological-development. They have unsubstantiated fears, insecurities, or hidden resentment; that causes them to be awkward, creepy, and uncomfortable. That's what turns women off!

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A female reader, MaskOn United Kingdom +, writes (30 May 2015):

MaskOn agony auntTo the question that you're asking, there isn't really one definite answer. But something to be certain of is that this statement that "inexperience turns women off" is (quite obviously) not entirely true. While to some extent it is a reasonable conclusion, many women - some that I even know first hand - are happy to find out about a guy's inexperience.

On the other hand, sometimes women may be turned off for many reasons, each varying. One woman may want someone who is experienced as she may believe that's what's needed to have great sex or whatever else she may be thinking of.

Another woman might just feel that a man without experience of a relationship will be too much hard work to deal with in a relationship, as in he might not understand the responsibilities of being in one.

A woman might even just be thinking that she is special if she is the one that is with a man who is high "in demand". Although not always true, maybe the women have previous experiences with inexperienced men and are unwilling to go through it again in fear of the same experience. Whatever it is, it is likely that it's something you can't change and therefore, you're going to just have to deal with it if you get turned down from a woman like this.

However, this seriously isn't the case with many women, I would even dare to say that "the vast majority of girls that are non-virgins" find it rather cute when a guy has no experience. Inexperience can often make a girl feel special and less defensive because they feel that they are trusted and in turn can trust you (which may be the reason why it's so offensive when a guy lies to a girl about having no experience). Some girls (especially Catholics from my observation) are more willing to be with a man that is inexperienced than of a man with lots of experience.

I think that you just have to put yourself out there. Take risks and be willing to approach women. If you really are self-concious about this, perhaps save the experience talk for later when more trust and commitment is developed in the relationship instead of approaching a woman you've never met before with "Hi, I have no experience in the dating department whatsoever and I was wondering if I could by your groceries because that's what you're supposed to do, right?" which may or may not benefit you. People in general are crazy and very different to each other, you never really know what's going to happen with them.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (30 May 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt But it is simply not true that ALL women are turned off by sexually inexperienced men ! I never was ,for instance- I married one . And although MANY years down the road things went sort of pear shaped , that obviously had nothing to do with his INITIAL lack of sexual experience ( which anyway was just a distant memory after an intensive crash course at Miss Cindy's Superior Institute for the Sexual and General Betterment of Young Males - I ,like many other women, have a mentoring vocation ).

In fact, a lack of sexual experience might be a plus, insofar triggers a woman's nurturing, protective instinct; or at least her mentoring instinct, as just said. Some women would think that it is sweet and romantic, and being the first would make them feel very special . Or they would think that the male is specially discriminating and was waiting for someone just like THAT female ,who would be obviously flattered. We are not all the same !- no matter what biology says . There's also culture, environment, and personal conscious choices , which are as powerful as " nature ".

There's more to the story , you say ? yes, thb there is.

What I said ( the appeal of a sexually inexperienced male ) fades a little bit at a time as years go by and the , say 22 y.o. male turns into 26 then 30 etc.etc. You know why ? Because of ...logic. Same reason why a 35 y.o. who never had gainful employment , or still lives with his parents, rises doubts and questions that a 23 y.o. in the same predicament does not.

Because when there's a will there's a way, and, supposedly, given enough time, it may take MORE to some people than others, but if a person wants something BADLY enough, he will find a way, by any means necessary, to get what he wants. Like gainful employement, or an independent accomodation out of the family's cozy nest. That may make people ( and women ) think that he did not want X result enough, so he did not try hard enough, he wasn't ingenious / proactive / consistent enough etc.

Also, a condition of protracted lack of sexual and relational experience is often due to a PATHOLOGICAL shyness, which is at times both a cause and an effect of social maladjustment. The typical self conscious guy who always trips in his own feet, can't answer intelligibly to the simple question " hello, how are you today ", would not enter alone in a bar or restaurant to save his own life etc. etc. Well, it may be unjust, I guess it is unjust- but such a visible,conspicuous lack of SOCIAL skills is a big turn off, I mean, it can be cute if he is 20, but it's not if he is 30. But that's got nothing to do directly with lack of sexual experience, there are people who are SEXUALLY inexperienced , for instance, because of religious choices, still are SOCIALLY confident and well adjusted.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (30 May 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntThe only way to learn to ride a bicycle is to get on a bicycle and try to ride it. You can't learn how to ride a bicycle by reading quotes from reddit on the internet, or sitting in front of your laptop inside all day long.

The only way to get experience with women is to go meet women and ask them out.

You will fall down, you will be rejected but if you get up, dust off your clothes, and get back on the bicycle, eventually you will learn how to ride it. How balance and core strength work together to propel you forward.

Sitting on your ass complaining that women don't approach men enough will do absolutely NOTHING to get you that experience you say you want.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2015):

There's no doubt about it, some guys have 'WOW, yeah, HIM, now, looks like he knows EXACTLY what to do' written all over them - Usually they're better-looking, hotter, fitter, sexier & obviously a better bet in bed than your run-of-the-mill spotty virgin with awkward movements.

Call it shallow, call it unfair...it is what it is. The answers so far may be true up to a point, but let's face reality, hot guys are hotter & this explains where the 'experience' comes from; girls want to sleep with them. = More experience = and so on & so on. Attempts to deny this basic reality of human attraction tend to run aground.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 May 2015):

Honeypie agony auntMaybe PRIMATES in the wild follow those rules you quote, but human being are not exactly as "simple" as primates when it comes to mates. The quote you mention is about "evolutionary psychology" which is... CONJECTURE. Probably even written by a man.

According to some lines of "evolutionary psychology" -

Women wants the "strong men" because they think these guys can better take care of a family and of them. BUT if that was actually true... the less strong, but SMARTER fellas wouldn't stand a chance. Yet... BRUTE strength ONLY goes so far.

GIVE US (women) a little more credit, then that. Seriously.

Not having experience doesn't mean unlovable or undesirable. I believe MOST women are smart enough to realize we ALL have to start SOMEWHERE when it comes to sex. In all honest, a guy with little to no experience might actually be a good thing, because he doesn't ENTER the bedroom with preconceived notions of what ALL women likes or how GREAT he is in bed. Like YouWish mentioned, he might be trying harder and listening better to his female counter part.

I think the quote is full of shit.

And I think YOU seriously underestimate half the populations intelligence.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2015):

Oh,oh,I know,I know!

I know exactly what you're speaking about and I can give you a possible reason (though knowing possible reasons will NOT help you much if you do NOT have CONFIDENCE. That's the single most attractive factor.)

Is NOT that I don't like them, it's that I'm a bit more apprehensive. I'd think :"Oh,ok, if he hasn't been able to maintain a serious relationship, maybe he doesn't know how to compromise etc. etc." Sooo,I would NOT advertise that fact if I were you. You can say: "I've never found the right one till now." OR you can say : "I've never had a serious relationship."

Which one sounds more attractive to you??? Marketing,baby. It works!

The other thing- the virgin thing. Men like it in women, god knows why. I'm scared if the man is a virgin. Scared that I will let HIM down, that it will NOT be all that jazz and what he is expecting (and let's face it, sex is messy and NOT like in the movies/porn.)

So if you haven't had that experience, I'd worry that I can't make it "special" for you, plus you'd heap a lot of responsibility on me- I can't just walk away from a relationship where I'm somebody's "first" (even if turns out to be not suitable) and they're super-attached to me as easily as I can from another one.

Because I'd feel GUILTY.

Also, you gotta be willing to learn. I'd provide you not with another quote, but with an old adage- "You can't teach an old dog a new tricks".

Since YOU were the one who took it to the "animal kingdom" area first ,ahem, to put it mildly some men just learn how to please one woman and then they go on to do the SAME thing to another one, when the new one might have very different preferences from the old one.

So in this sense I prefer a NEW dog. One that I can teach how to please ME. But you should approach every new relationship as if it's your first. Because essentially it is- what was with one person, will not be the same with another.

As to the employers' thing- it is true, indeed. I've seen it with my own eyes time and time again and there is plenty of research in the area that confirms it.

The thing is : SOME women would act this way, not ALL women.

This is what you do not seem to grasp. Also, do you really want to be with a woman like that???!

Why? A woman who would drop as soon as she can get a better "alpha"? WHYYYYYY???

mY HEAD HURTS from this conundrum and I think that sometimes I maybe really don't get men. The women you're referring to have a name: "golddigga" and for the life of me, I can't understand why some men chase after them (social status,I suppose? "Lookie look, what CANDY I've got on my arm!" Bleurgh!)

I'd advise you to lower your expectations (unless you have a trust fund, of course) and to go looking for some good people.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2015):

It's not that women are turned off , that's propostorus to say, it's just it's more fun with a guy who knows what he is doing.

I was with my first boyfriend that knew nothing about sex though he was not a virgin. All he did is climbed on top of me, few thrusts and he was done. Almost no foreplay, no touching, oral, forget it. So I couldn't really orgazm with him for the 2 years we ve been together.

Then I had an older guy after him, that was very experienced and a very affectionate lover. O , my goodness, I was flying with him every time we had sex. There was never any rush, he knew exactly where to touch and where to kiss me.

I mean, people are right here of course that a wilingness to learn is important, but you really need to find a woman who will teach you.

Many women have no desire to teach, especially younger women.

I know many men who are choosing older attractive women in good shape for this purpose only: to get some experience.

But to say its a turn off is a bit too much. If you are attractive to a woman/ girl she will take you with all your lack of experience, believe me.

But how do they know you are inexperienced? Do you tell them?

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A female reader, RubyBirtle United Kingdom + , writes (30 May 2015):

Where did you get that quote from?

It's not possible for a human female to tell whether a human male has mated in the past or not. No can tell whether someone else is sexually inexperienced just by looking and talking to them (or even by having sex with them).

Or are you talking about lack of social experience rather than sexual experience? Because I DO think that some people who are "socially awkward" struggle to make relationships and friendships in the first place.

People who are "socially awkward" usually have any or all of the following

1) Painful shyness

2) Very low-self esteem or a very distorted sense of self (or a distorted sense of the world)

3) High anxiety levels in social situations

4) Feel judged and compare themselves unfavourably to others

5) Have a mental health disorder (E.G.schizophrenia/bipolar)

6) Have difficulty understanding and conforming to social norms (e.g Aspergers and Autism)

Pretty much all these issues can be treated with some sort of therapy or life coaching if people are willing to put the work in.

Do any of the above apply to you? And are you prepared to put the work in?

And to reiterate - woman CANNOT tell whether you are sexually inexperienced or not.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (30 May 2015):

chigirl agony auntWho told you women are turned off by inexperienced men? It's false information.

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A female reader, jls022 United Kingdom + , writes (30 May 2015):

I completely agree with YouWish, it makes no difference to me how much experience a man has. One thing which can be an issue though, is that some inexperienced men can be bitter about it and that IS a turn off. But if they are not and they are willing to learn and try to please me, then I'd have no issue with a lack of experience at all.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (30 May 2015):

YouWish agony auntSorry, but whoever made that quote you found is crazy!

I met and married my husband when he was a virgin, and I can tell you that I couldn't be happier!

It's not inexperience that turns a woman off, it's a refusal to learn, experiment, and explore. Many experienced guys turn out to lack in bed because their experience is either misleading (they had a partner who faked it) or their experience was self-serving, leaving the woman frustrated.

A guy could be an experienced dolt in the bedroom, or he could be an inexperienced but a natural talent. And speaking firsthand, a guy with no preconceived technique yet is a dedicated student of your pleasure is the best lover there is....and that is rare. I know how lucky I am!

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