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Why does my boyfriend barely keep in touch while he is out of town? is it suspicious? It's upsetting.

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Long distance, Online dating, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 May 2015) 7 Answers - (Newest, 2 June 2015)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend is away for four days visiting his mother in California.

We were together for the whole week before he left. We really bonded and had an amazing time together.

Fast forward to the day after he gets to California.

He emails to let me know he got there and then at night he texted me Good night. I thought that was a good start. He seemed to really miss me.

But on day 2 the whole day goes by without ANY contact. In fact I emailed him at around 11 p.m. saying "looks like you are having a good visit and are keeping yourself busy. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you."

Well he went on Facebook at around 11:30 and commented on some posts. But at around 1 in the morning he sent me a reply telling me that he was busy doing stuff for his mom all day and that he misses me.

What I am having a problem with is he starts off STRONG on the day after he leaves. 2 separate times he contacts me. THEN ZERO the next day? That just seems so inconsistent to me. And would he even have sent me a message at all had I not contacted him first? And then he responds at 1 in the morning? Why?

I don't get it. Yes you can be busy but you can ALWYAYS find the time to send a quick message. 5 minutes. Done. So why does the entire day go by without one? Then one is sent in the wee hours?

I of course have it in my head he has been up to something. I know if I am busy, no matter how busy, I always send him a message.

NOBODY is busy enough that they can't take a quick 5 minutes to contact you. AND he has a phone on him where he can text too. He texted me Good night from a phone with a California area code. Could it be a throwaway phone? Cause it wasn't his phone number. Whose phone was it?

Do you guys think it is suspicious? That he sent two messages on day one and then nothing on day 2? I mean I thought he would at least text me Good night again. What would it take? 2 seconds? Why would he text Good night on one night and not the other?

I just sense he was ignoring me. That he cheated and did not want to contact me because of guilt or distancing himself. Or that he was with another woman and could not be bothered or that he could not find alone time.

I have all these thoughts in my head right now. They are eating me alive. I am so mad at him.

He has 2 days left there. I just DO NOT want to respond to him AT ALL. Ignore him the rest of the time he is there. Show HIM what it FEELS like.

And I want to tell him where to go when he comes back.

And I feel like showing him the door.

I am not sure why I feel these extremes.

But he is hurting me. I am not sure he even realizes it. Or he just might.

Yes I know that relationships are not conducted by text or email. BUT some of us women like it when our men keep in touch. Even just briefly.

We have had several conversations about how it makes me happy for him to keep in touch when he is away and that I like the communication. Mind you it does not have to be every minute but once a day. He knows I like this. And he did it the first day. But why completely blow me off the second? Just seems so INCONSISTENT from one day to the next.

I was up all night crying.

And I have a busy weekend I just don't think I can face.

It's just that his change in behaviour seems weird. All in one day and nothing the next???

Can anyone help me make any sense of this before I end this relationship? Perhaps in haste?

View related questions: facebook, text

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A female reader, like I see it United States +, writes (2 June 2015):

like I see it agony auntThanks for the update, OP.

The behavior you describe still isn't anything that you can point to for sure and say "this guy is cheating," but at the very least he does not value communication with you the way you value communication with him or he would take the five seconds out of his day that sending a text requires and let you know that he misses you also.

WORST case scenario: yes, he was with someone else for some or all of the time he was away - perhaps not even in California with his mother unless you have proof of this - and texted you only when he was free and available to do so. 1 AM when most people are sleeping; in the airport when he'd safely parted ways with the other party and was once again free to text without that person seeing him do it. But this is all a pretty big assumption to make, and like I said before, unless you have some existing trust issues not mentioned in your post, it takes a healthy dose of paranoia to arrive at this conclusion. So...

Most likely scenario: he was busy helping his mother and doesn't prioritize communication with you enough to make the extra effort. He may be getting bored in the relationship, or he may not be the type of person who finds much meaning in text/phone conversations. Without knowing him or the circumstances of your relationship it is hard to guess at which of these is more likely the case.

I'd definitely talk to him about YOUR needs communication-wise when he gets back, though, because it is not unreasonable to expect a few words from someone you have been seeing/sleeping with for two years while he is away in another state. If it is bothering you to this extent, it is a conversation that needs to be had, or you'll simply continue to accumulate resentment every time he fails to reply to you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2015):

It's OP.


After he emailed at 1 in the morning, I replied the next day around mid afternoon. (yesterday) No reply.

Sent another message today, the day he was leaving to say hope all is well. Safe trip.



He texts me when at the airport waiting for his flight.

Then texts me again while waiting for his connecting flight in another city.

Weird HUH?

Now all of a sudden he HAS time for me?

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A female reader, like I see it United States +, writes (31 May 2015):

like I see it agony auntAre there other issues in the relationship?

Because this by itself doesn't necessarily suggest cheating, but you seem to have pretty strong suspicions about it. Intuition exists for a reason, and I'm wondering what else he has done (or not done) that leads you straight to cheating as the explanation for his behavior.

Have you been cheated on previously, and has it affected your ability to trust later partners?

Has he by any chance cheated before, either on you or on a prior partner(s)?

If yes to the second question, then alarm over this behavior makes more sense.

Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2015):

I very much doubt he's cheating on you and if you start yelling at him or ignoring him just because he didn't text you one day he's going to think you're very clingy and immature. I have a similar problem with my boyfriend - the minute he's with his family, he forgets I exist - no messages, no phone calls. It's not that he's cheating on me, he's just busy. When he gets back, just say to him calmly that it would have been nice if he'd sent you a few more messages.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (30 May 2015):

janniepeg agony auntI would not jump to conclusions that he is cheating. Maybe when he was using the California phone his own phone was charging. Maybe it was his mom's phone. He's doing stuff for his mom, whatever that is, so this trip is not for pleasure, sightseeing but basically helping his mom. There's no dad in mention so she must be a single mom or a widow in need of help such as household maintenance.

Did you have experience of being cheated on? Your boyfriend might have no idea you are feeling this way and if you ignore his upcoming messages he would not get that you are trying to make him taste his own medicine. If you end this relationship it won't be because he did anything terribly wrong but because you are feeling miserable without daily contact. Let him explain himself first, if he didn't know that not texting for one day could cause you so much pain.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2015):

He is busy visiting his mom.He is only going to be gone 4 days.Nothing makes a man run away faster than an overly clingingly girlfriend.Do you not trust him?Without trust your realationship will be doomed.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2015):

Hi I can imagine how you feel my boyfriend done this to me once and he hadn't cheated I would wait till he comes back and talk to him about how you feel see what his response is don't do anything you might regret

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