A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm worried about my daughter. Recently she was upset about something and she blurted out that she hated being single. She is in her 30s and a highschool teacher, and she never got married but she always seemed okay with it. Recently, she was upset about something and she blurted out, "I HATE being single!" What she just upset about something else? Is this just normal female moodiness? I feel very worried. She also recently got upset and said that she hated teaching.My son and I talked about it and we decided that she was probably just on her period and hormonal. I want to believe that's all it is, but I am worried that she's not as well adjusted as we thought. I thought she was fairly well adjusted. Of course she would have liked to have a husband, and she does not love teaching and would have preferred to go to veterinarian school instead, but I thought that she had accepted that there wasn't going to be a husband and that she wouldn't get the career of her dreams, and just adjusted.My daughter is really hard to "read." She's VERY introverted and has a tendency to conceal her feelings until she explodes. I had a feeling she kept a diary so last night I went through her stuff and sure enough, I found it and I read it. I feel guilty but now I'm worried. She wrote that she cries herself to sleep every night because she is sick of being lonely and doing a job her heart's not in. She wrote that "the children are sucking the life out of me. I feel like a failure because I wound up in a "profession" that I had a high disdain for all my life, and everyone else is pursuing their dreams. I wish I could just go to veterinarian school. I would be happy every day." She also wrote that, "I feel worthless because I didn't get a husband," and "I would give my left arm if I could have a kind loving husband just for one day." She says that her heart's not in teaching and that she loves animals, and can't stand people. My daughter is an introvert, doesn't "click" with most people, and says that being around people drains her but she loves animals and they seem to melt in her presence. I have told her gently that there won't be a husband because there just aren't men to go around. We live in a very "man lean" area and even for a young woman of marriageable age competition is very rough. She is aware of how difficult a career change would be, and even though she does not love teaching I thought that she had accepted it. I read her diary and violated her trust and I feel guilty. My concern for her however, trumps my guilt.I thought she had accepted that there wasn't going to be a husband for her or a career she loved. How do I help her adjust to a job she hates and adjust to singleness when she hates it so much?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2016): I really dont see why it would be inappropriate for her to marry a man from another country and i cant imagine why you would think that way.
Why are you discussing her private confidences to herself with her brother.
Why are you telling her she will never meet a man?
You are totally undermining her so although she is saving money and keeping you company she will notbe happy until she branches out and stopsfeeling responsible for you!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 May 2016):
 If the best Vet schools are in UK and Australia, and your daughter has the financial means to go study abroad, in other words if somehow hers is an actually feasible project and not just a pipe dream, by all means she should go and you should encourage her to pursue her dream.
( Then again, I don't think that American vet schools can be THAT lousy and not being able to attend their first choice of school should not deter motivated people from going after what they want ).
As for the impropriety of a possible relationship with someone from another country....what's wrong with Brits or Aussies , you don't like the accent :) ? Sorry but this sentence sort of made me smile, it's not that if your daughter stays in USA she can't ever meet a man " from another country ", in fact that's a very distinct possibility ! ( although maybe not so much in North Carolina... ) considering the tons of people from other countries who live in USA.
Anyway that's irrelevant , because since your daughter is an adult in her 30s it's would be only up to her to decide what is appropriate or not for her love and dating life.
It's normal that you are concerned about her- you are her mom ! But you can " use " this concern , rather than to hold her back with vague- and contagious- anxieties and misgivings, to help her ( by assisting her in selecting a goal and working out the practical details, and by giving her your verbal support and encouragement ) in seeking out her own path in life and her own brand of happiness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2016): Thank you to everyone who answered. I read every one of your answers and I wanted to say thank you for helping.
I forgot to mention it but she did teach English as a foreign language abroad for a few years. She says that she was happier there, even though she can't see herself teaching for the next 20 years (being around people is exhausting), she says US public schools and their rules make her feel stifled and she doesn't identify with the USA public school culture. She had her moments where she loved teaching abroad, even though she's too introverted to teach forever, but she is truly miserable at her USA public school.
We live in a town in North Carolina that she says "sucks the life out of her." I know I was bad to read her diary but it's the only way to get in her head. She complains a lot about unhappiness in North Carolina. Our town hasa lot of women competing over very few men. Personally I think she is snobby but she has turned her nose up at what's available.
I have suggested that she do research about vet schools and she already did it a long time ago. She has talked about going to the UK or Australia, saying there are state of the art schools there. I do not feel it would be appropriate for her to have a relationship with someone from another country. She says that caring for animals is her priority in life and that she is going to school to learn to do that but that "it's better than what's here."
Her only interests are animals, music and art. I am very concerned by some of the artwork I've found in her diary. She says her other dream job is being a commercial artist. Is it normal that she draws weird pictures? I find it disturbing.
Anyway, thank you so much for your replies. I am very concerned about her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 May 2016):
 I would start by suggesting you two volunteer at the local no-kill dog/cat or animal shelter on Saturdays.
It's NOT only relaxing, emotionally rewarding, but it's might give her an incentive to reconsider changing career path. Vet tech takes about 2 years to complete AND many of the courses can be done online. It's a start. She might even be able to finish many of the credits WHILE still working as a teacher. So talk to her about it. She shouldn't BE a teacher if she is burned out or hate her jobs. It makes her... a BAD teacher. And an unhappy being.
Reading her diary, MOM, that is unacceptable. That is a no no. You just don't do that. Never again, MOM.
One of my good friends has a teaching degree she got in her early 20's. In her late 30's she switches careers, she is now a midwife. BIG career change. But she is happy.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (27 May 2016):
 Get some information on how to become a vet hand it to her and tell her to do what makes her happy. No husband, no kids, no ties - no better time to make the change in career. Perhaps biting the bullet and moving interstate to study will open up more social opportunities to meet that special someone. Plant the seeds and help change her mindset.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2016): There are many men would be a good match for your daughter.
You violated your daughters trust by your own admission, read her diary and presume to know what she should be grateful for. You then compound this by discussing what you learned from her private journal with her brother, your son.
You owe her an apology for reading her private thoughts.
If you really want to help her, take some of your money, help her get into veterinary school, help her find a place where there are available men. Never heard of a "man lean" area, that's a really strange characterisation.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 May 2016):
 You write that she's "in her 30s". That means that she probably has MORE THAN HALF of her life ahead of her.
What's wrong with making a "clean start"???????? (ALL over again!!!!).....
Good luck to her.... and you should stop snooping!!!!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 May 2016):
 A friend of mine changed careers in her 30s, went from business consulting to becoming a veterinarian. Met a guy in her late 30s. Had children via surrogate.
They are doing really well, the children are great, her career is going wonderfully well.
Just because you’ve given up doesn’t mean you should encourage her to do the same.
You owe your daughter a huge apology! What a breach of trust.
Tell your daughter that you’ll do whatever you can to support her to follow her dreams. Then do so.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2016): My mother studied TWELVE years to become a physician back in the years when women didn't have careers, they got married and had babies. She took a train from Bloemfontein to Namibia TWICE a year for a month, that is the only time she saw her 6 brothers and sisters and her mother and father. My grandparents were highly successful and esteemed members of the community and they prided themselves on the fact that they could go study to make an exceptional, not an acceptable, life for themselves. She graduated at the top of her class and still travels all over the world for medical research and seminars. The point I am trying to make is (besides the fact that I am beyond blessed/releived/thankful that you are not my mother) that I do not think that your over 30 year old daughter is nearly as pathetic and introverted as you think. I know it's really harsh but why on earth can she not go study to become a vet, meet another relatively shy, animal loving guy and get married? My mother had me at 33 and I am just a few years younger than your daughter, but I've been raised to believe that it's never too late to make a change for the better and that every day is a new chance for you to live better than the one before. At 71 you should know that life is too short to be unhappy. Maybe you just don't want to move away and leave you?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 May 2016):
why does she have to adjust ?! she is in her 30s , not in her 80s. Why adjusting to something when you can change it ? Particularly if we are talking about jobs, because for finding a partner it takes two people who want the same, but for changing jobs, that's only up to the single individual.
My uncle got his Architecture degree at 65 ! , and when he retired from his civil servant job, instead than sitting on a park bench and feeding pidgeons- he opened his architecture firm. My sister passed to her dream job ( curiously, teaching- she loves being a teacher ) after 15 years doing research in a chemical lab. I went, of all things, to acting school when I was in my late 30s, and, although it had started as a hobby, it turned to be a ( moderately :) gainful employment in show business for 8 years. And then, when for various reasons I quit, ... I did something all different again .
These are just the examples closer home, but I know many people who started doing X and then at some point later in life ended up doing Y. And that , even in Italy, where there's very little work mobility ( both economy and mentality ) and when you start a job at 20 or 25, generally that's were you stay till retirement age. But in USA ?? More opportunities and a different mentality, - a career change at mid life or later on is, if not run-of- the- mill , at least a distinct possibility, and a reality for lots and lots of people.
Now, surely going back to college for getting a Vet degree is demanding and challenging. If she can hold on to her current job and attend / study at night and weekends, great in a way, but surely it's an humongous effort. And if instead she needs to leave her teaching job, the financial angle may be tricky, she might need to use up savings or get a student loan etc..... but if that is her heart's desire, she will find a will and she will find a way. She only needs you to encourage her to spread her wings and be brave, not to resign herself , at such a young age, to grin and bear in a job which makes her miserable !
Or, if she decides against going for her Vet degree, she can still look into other jobs who would put her in daily contact with animals. I don't know, for instance becoming a licensed dog trainer / educator will be perhaps less socially " prestigeous " than being a Vet, OTH it can be more lucrative than being a highschool teacher. And at the end of the day, forget about prestige or income, the important thing is doing something that does not leave you with the wish to curl up somewhere and die !, as more or less she is feeling right now.
In any case, even if she can't find something animal related to do, she could at least change job and employment sector regardless. Being a teacher is a difficult , delicate job which affects the outlook and future of many young people. It's not for everybody and a teacher who is miserable teaching will sooner or later make her students miserable too.
So IMO, far from helping her " adjusting ", you should help her understand that she does NOT have to adjust . And that she can still shape herself the life she wants , or at least a better life than now, if she only gets out of her comfort zone and takes responsibility for her own wellbeing. Be encouraging, be positive, show trust in her and her potential to make changes,tell her you'll support whatever choices she makes and will get her back 100%. Forget about " adjusting "! We all have to adjust to the fact that sooner or later we are going to die- might as well to live for real , and not just go through the motions, until we are physically on this planet !
As for finding a husband, it may be more complicated, not because she is " old " ( nonsense ! she is in her 30s, nowadays it is a perfectly normal age fr getting married ) but because if she does not socialize, does not put herself out there, does not try to meet people, well , men won't come at her door looking for her. But this too may be due more to depression than to being an introvert or an asocial. She is unhappy with her life, she does not know how / is afraid of pursuing changes , she cries herself to sleep and feels doomed and powerless, well, I bet that she can't be exactly the life of the party. But that may change too, with a sort of domino effect , once she starts improving a section of her life ( work ) with even just a very modest success to begin with. Baby steps- the important is , that she takes the first and this is IMO, what you should encourage her in doing , as opposed to encourage her in "adjusting ".
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (26 May 2016):
 Why not focus on the positive? She's still young..very young and the world can be her oyster..if she just reaches out and grabs it! Why should either of you resign yourself to the fact that she can't get a husband? WHY can't she?? People meet and marry at ALL ages! My mother in law remarried again when she was 75! The thing is..she needs to put herself out there and try. IF there aren't alot of men in the area, perhaps she should move, or get brave and go out and make new friends, go on the internet, join a new club, ect. Shy people get married too so just because she's shy doesn't mean she can't find someone.
As far as her job..you can change careers at any age. My aunt raised 4 kids and went back to college at age 38 to become a nurse and she did! Had a fabulous career.
Come on mom..encourage her!! Don't be negative or resigned..let her know that you care and want her to be happy. Have a heart to heart with her and tell her she's got to get out of her rut and make some changes. And if she is living with you, perhaps now is the time to push the little bird out of the nest. Maybe she's just afraid to leave you but encourage her to get out on her own.
Its obvious that you love her and worry about her so give her a little push in the right direction and talk positive..not resigned!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2016): Do not help her adjust to the things she hates! Help her spread her wings!Thirties are the new twenties. She still has plenty of time to change careers and fall in love and have a family, don't feed her false belief that she will be forever single with the job that she hates.Why is she still living with you? Kick her out... I mean that in a nice way. Kick her out emotionally. Are you sure that you're not the one keeping her there? Are you afraid of being alone? Sorry, I have to ask.If you love her and really care for her help her move on and reach her potential!I was only a kid when I watched an unhealthy relationship my aunt had with my grandmother. She hada repetetive job she didn't like and she lived with my grandma. Grandma made sure that my aunt would never leave her (she was abandoned by my grandpa and feared dying alone). She was engaged to be married but "something" happened and the engagement was broken off. My aunt was MISERABLE, depressed, started drinking (in the evenings a few glasss of red wine just to take the edge off and numb her despair). My grandma died and two months later my aunt followed - an explosion of a heart-attack. She was barely 40.She is hard to read because that's her nature but... it could be that she is hard to read because she is saying and doing what she thinks you would like her to, while hidning her real desires to the point that she thinks she doesn't know what they are!Of course she wants a husband and a fulfilling job! Of course she loves you but probably wouldn't want to live with you!Of course she prefers animals to people, because animals give love unconditionally! Something she probably never had growing up. When she resolves that issue she may even find a new passion for teaching. Who knows... But I am sure that she'll be passionate about life in general!This is not your fault. You did your best raising her. You had to make some boundaries. Now it's hight time she left the nest emotionally, psychologically and phisically!Help her do not shackel her.Tell her that you understand her. Set her free from the guilt from wanting to leave and to leave you. Show her that you'll be fine on your own. Show her that you raised her to be strong and independant just as you are strong and independant. LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY!
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (26 May 2016):
 She still has plenty to time to fix both of her problems.I would advise her to quit teaching if she hates it so much. Even if she wont make it as a vet, she could do something else and be happier.I'm an introvert too and I find dealing with people very tiring too. Especially meeting new people..ugggg. I know that what your suppost to do, but got it suck forcing conversation.Thus teaching would be my personal worst nightmare. So I would advise her to leave the job if she hates it.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (26 May 2016):
 I appreciate your concern for your daughter, but you are guilty of some wrong thinking. She is only 30. There is time for her to build a couple more careers if she wants to.
It sounds like the teaching job has caused her to burn out. It happens a lot. There is no law that says she must stay being a teacher. If animals is her thing there are several career opportunities open: everything from retraining to be a vet or a veterinary nurse to pet grooming or even pet minding.
Thirty is a bit young to have given up on finding a husband. Of course being introvert can impede things sometimes. However being an introvert doesn't mean you hate people - they just drain you in numbers and over long periods of time. She will find school work very demanding in that respect. It is certainly time to rethink that one.
If the pool of possible suitors is too small where you live then she should relocate. Does she live with you? Perhaps that is a tie you should bring to a close. If you have your routine together then she may have become closed to opportunities to do other things, and too tired to think of changing. She is caught in a rut and needs something to happen to get her out. It could be a boot up the backside, or someone finding another opening for her.
Whether you use tough love or kindness, you need to help move her on.
You say she is aware how difficult a career change would be. It isn't. She is just scared of change; frightened of the unknown. There is a saying: "The treasure you seek lies in the cave you fear to enter".
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