A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my husband for 3.5 years, but we've been together for 9 years in total. The big issue here is kids, we both want them, yet my husband has other ideas about how and it's caused arguments.He wants me to sleep with his friend Phil, who's 28, and a male model, he lives with his fiance. Phil is gay but it's not obvious to most people that he's gay, in fact, him and his partner are mistaken for roommates!They live eight miles away from us so aren't neighbors.I've not met Phil properly, aside from briefly in a car park pre-pandemic and we exchanged small talk.My husband wants me to have a kid by Phil (whose fiance is okay with this arrangement) and we bring up the kid as our own.Apparently, to my husband, sex for the sake of pregnancy turns him off, he only likes sex for the sake of romance/pleasure (and he's very good at doing what I want, not a selfish lover), he said "functional sex for a baby isn't fun".Why would he want me to have a baby with a gay man, and wouldn't there be custody disputes later?I should add my husband is a good man, he normally doesn't have ideas like this, but he's quite insistent about this. He's never normally this insistent about things in day-to-day life, is quite laidback but a good guy at heart.I've told him no, but he's insistent we should talk more about this idea.Why would he be like this?I'm seeking some help and advice on things.
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male
reader, Chip +, writes (12 November 2021):
 You have already told your husband NO, so maybe you should present him with divorce papers and just tell him that you will say YES to that. He had a problem and if you don't do something about it, then you also have a problem.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2021): The word that stuck out to me was 'model' -- maybe your husband thinks himself unattractive and for some weird reason wants you to have a hopefully handsome kid?
In any case, if he convinces you to proceed, I would talk to a lawyer and genetic counselor before getting preggers with the model.
(I just thought of another possibility-- maybe he is secretly a cuckold and wants you to have sex with other men?)
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 October 2021):
 My God if this isn't a deal breaker then I don't know what is! Your husband doesn't want to impregnate you and is ok with you having sex with a gay man in order to have a child? I think the divorce order writes itself!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2021): Only having sex for fun and not to precreate sounds like a religious nut or a person with aspergers. I doubt this is the case, probably some ridiculous excuse. Where is your backbone that you cannot say no firmly and insist it is no. Why do you listen to him when he says it again? Once someone says no to something that should be it, not for the other person to keep on and on until they cave in. What worries me most about your post is that your guy has no feelings for you at all. He talks as if your thoughts and needs do not count. This would be enough for me to end it with him. But him wanting you to have sex with another guy and him to be the father of the baby is even more ridiculous. I would have ended it as soon as he suggested it. He is not all there upstairs my dear. Do it or do not do it, but no good complaining to us about his crack pot ideas. Either you embrace them and do them to please him - and regret them big time later or you end it. Simple.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (21 October 2021):
 Sorry but there's something missing here. This is not normal behaviour for ANYONE, let alone a man who you profess is a "good man" and with whom you have a satisfying sex life.
Some theories which come immediately to mind:
1. Your husband knows he is infertile but doesn't want to admit this to you. Could he perhaps have had a vasectomy before he met you but felt afraid to tell you as you wanted children?
2. Your husband may be the carrier of some sort of genetic disorder which could be passed on to the child but hasn't told you, again because he knew you wanted children.
3. Your husband does not like the way he looks, has suffered in earlier years for the way he looked, so wants any child of "his" to be traditionally good looking, hence picking a model as the stud/sperm donor.
4. Your husband has some weird fascination with watching you with another man and thinks, because this man is gay, it is a "safe" way to explore this fantasy.
5. Your husband has some weird fascination with gay men (or perhaps this one gay man in particular) and wants to fulfill some sort of fantasy this way.
6. Despite what he says, your husband doesn't actually want children and this is his way of letting you have the child/children you crave without being personally involved.
It could be any of these things, or a mixture, or even NONE of these things but something else entirely. Whatever, I am convinced there is something missing here which he is not telling you (or you are choosing not to tell us).
Or is it, perhaps, a fantasy of YOURS to have sex with this good-looking man who it's "not obvious" is gay? Do you think you can "turn" him in this way?
If the guy is 100% gay (as opposed to bi-sexual), what makes you even think he will be able to "perform" to impregnate you? Your body will not be a turn-on for him in any way, shape or form because he will only be attracted to male bodies.
This is all just weird and a car crash waiting to happen. If I were in your shoes, I would have got to the bottom of this a long time ago or walked out and found someone who wanted to be the father of my child/children. If you cannot do that, then insist your husband attends some sort of marriage guidance counselling with you. Only have a child by this other guy if you want to bring it up as a single parent.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2021): It makes no sense! It's far left-field!!! Especially the part about not liking sex for the sake of procreation, but only for pleasure. What?!!
Read your post aloud to yourself, and contemplate on its contents. What would you tell another wife if you were responding to such a post? Looking at it from a different perspective usually makes you see things more clearly. You'll answer your own questions.
If you think there might be custody issues in the future, you bet your sweet pa-tootie there'll be! People always appreciate the "idea" in the imaginary stage; but it's the reality that creates all the drama and discourse. Don't you think for one minute after those guys lay eyes on a beautiful bundle of joy, they won't decide they want to be part of the baby's life; or could completely do a 180, and want to battle you for shared or full-custody. They get to traipse all hither and dither with your kid! The biological-father will feel he has the right to take his child traveling and whatever; and if you object to it, it will be yet another battle to be fought in court.
Just because your husband came-up with this ludicrous idea, doesn't mean you are compelled to execute it!!! Who's womb is it anyway? Do women no longer have control over what happens to their own bodies??? You'll go screw some other guy and have his kid...cuz my husband asked me to?!! What does your own conscience and values tell you to do?
Girlfriend, seriously?!!
If you successfully mother a healthy child, you want to bring that child up without all kinds of controversy and conflict. Any man claiming paternal-rights, other than your husband, is just a legal time bomb waiting to go-off! They just may not like your parenting-style; or decide to challenge you in the courts for unlimited access and visitation rights. Which may prove awkward and inconvenient; when they aren't even "your" friends, and you don't even acknowledge them as such! Trust me, getting you to sleep with other men is just the beginning of something else. You're not his brood bitch; you're his wife and life-partner. Marriage is sacred.
Hubby's gay-friends don't get a free surrogate; so they'll have to go through the usual process and expense same as all other couples who need to borrow a womb to produce an offspring. You're not just anybody's egg-donor and incubator!!! Unless you freely and voluntarily wish to be. Not because you were pressured or coerced by your husband! Is the man tripping on some kind of drug or something???
How great a guy your husband is might be debatable; if he made you have to seek advice on something like this!
Why do you feel you have to come to Dear Cupid about this? Apparently your husband isn't as great the guy you're claiming him to be; if you feel forced to be impregnated by some other man, because he has some weird take on sex. Marital-sex is a gift from God. It's meant for both pleasure and to make babies.
"Why would he be like this?" That you'll have to ask your husband. Are you inclined to do any crazy off-the-wall or over-the-top thing he concocts in his imagination???
I'm not sure why you even had to come here, it's your choice. It's your body! You're mature and intelligent enough to know all the moral and legal ramifications. If you're uncertain, seek legal advice from an attorney.
Trying to do anything and everything your husband asks you to do will either drive you insane, or to an early grave. Take your pick! You think he's a great guy? Then why are you here, my dear?
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (21 October 2021):
 This post is just screaming out, Complications, Complications, and more complications.
Why on earth why would you ever even contemplate doing this, its never going to end well, is no one looking at the bigger picture here?.
Why is your husband happy for you to sleep with another guy?. Why is the other guy's partner ok with this?. Is your husband happy to be the father of a child you had with someone else, a child that will not even be like him in any way.
I can only envisage that this will end like a majority of the threesome posts that we get here on DC, and that is that i don't see it ending well.
I feel if you go through with this resentment will set in over time, and there will be a tremendous strain on your marriage, not to mention all the other complications that will almost certainly arrise.
I'm sorry, but i would not go ahead with this, i can't see a happy ending here.
I think if you truly loved someone the thought of someone else being sexual with them should repulse you.
Love making is love making, something that should be enjoyed by a couple that love each other regardless of whether you are trying to make a baby or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2021): This makes no sense at all. So your husband does not believe in "functional sex " and does not want to have sex for procreation purposes only. OK...But he does not have to.He can have passionate,romantic, tender sex involving rose petals and candlelight, or else the weirdest fetish ever,..whatever floats your boat....AND omit using any contracception. Rinse and repeat,if there are no fertility issues, all those pleasure and romance sessions will lead naturally to a prwgnancy. ( In an average of about one year ). But even if there were fertility issues , and you had to be less spontaneous and sort of follow a schedul for sex, who says that it cannot be ,regardless,pleasurable and romantic sex ?!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 October 2021):
 This sounds weird.
You have told him no. That should be the end of it.
How old is your husband? Does he not understand the BIOLOGICAL function of sex? It really isn't about romance OR pleasure. It's for reproduction. To produce the next generation. The awesome ADDED bonuses are the pleasure, the shared intimacy, the bond, etc., etc.
Does your husband have some genetic "issues" in his family? And that is the REAL reason he doesn't want to father a child? Is he actually incapable of fathering a child? (as in, is he infertile?). Does he feel that he is "inferior" in the looks or smarts department? And hopes that a handsome man being the dad will equate to a good-looking child?
If you two DO decide to go the "sperm donor" route you need to talk to a lawyer FIRST. So the rights of the child are protected, the custody and child support in the event of a divorce are protected too. Because I can EASILY see your husband (in this case) NOT wanting to pay for child support for a child that biologically isn't his. Or perhaps the biological father decides HE wants custody all of a sudden or visitations - all things you HAVE to consider. And you HAVE to be smart about it, so involving a lawyer would be a must.
Also, why don't YOU get to pick who fathers your child? It takes 2 to make a baby.
I think his reasoning for not wanting to father a child is bogus, he needs to tell you the REAL reason.
This sounds so absurd.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2021): Sounds weird to me. Either he doesnt want kids and the responsibility, or he is planning to use you as a surrogate for his gay friends, and probably make some money from it. That would be my guess anyway. If what he says is true and it's just a turn-off then there are other ways to get pregnant by him than through sex.
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