A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Warning this will be a bit long winded.So I was with my ex for 8 months. Not much in the grand scheme of things. When we met he seemed perfect. Although a little insecure. He said his exes had cheated on him and it had left him feeling not good enough. I felt sorry for him. We grew closer and closer and it was insane what we had in common. Not just with hobbies and interests but morallyy too we had the same outlook on things. He said he never had casual sex as he didn't see the point. He liked romance too much and likes to be in love. He messaged me every morning to tell me good norning and how beautiful I was and how he can't wait to see me. We were long distance for a few months. In that time I thought I'd get to know him we spoke incessantly day and night. I was so excited to meet someone so like me. But he kept talking about his exes. How they cheated. One night he told me how one had kept threatening to cheat and he couldn't take it anymore, heartbroken be jumped off the balcony and tried to kill himself. I thought this was odd but I thought well he must have been really sad to do that. He said she slept with his boss and he had to leave the company. Humiliated Infront of everyone. That she slept with husband's of people who worked in the local bars. And that she basically used him and was too lazy to work and he even tried to help her get back to her own country as she had moved to he with him So I went to see him. I spent a fair bit on tickets and things with the restrictions but I thought its worth it. So everything was great. The first few weeks (it was a month trip) were really fun and exciting - just as I expected. Then I started to see small things in his behaviour. Mood swings. Flashes of anger. One night he threw his food and turned off the TV and stormed to his room because I said I would take my pill after dinner. So I was a bit shaken. I stayed in the living room and then he said I was ignoring him. I said I wasn't that he scared me and I was letting him cool down. The next day he was really upset by it all and started punching himself in the side of the head saying he had never met anyone worse than me. I was so confused. Again I left him in his room. He was crying but no tears. Later he acts like nothing. Everything was fine again. But I couldn't forget it. So then things were great again before the end of the trip and I left and came home. Once I got back I started to see he was talking a little less at times. Being more snappy. He would disagree with a lot of things I said and his solution was hang up on me and block me for a few hours. I would panic wo wrong why and thinking I did something really wrong. He just seemed to like to argue. So I would get on with my thing and eventually hours later he would come back. He wouldn't apologise. This went on and I had the second trip booked. I made him promise this time would be different. He said it would I said no more blocking or arguing. I arrived and already he seemed distracted and on edge. Getting annoyed at other motorists and seemingly forgetting that I had just travelled and spent a lot of money. The next day he started acting funny again. He attempted to hang himself Infront of me after threatening that he would kill me or himself. So he was (it seemed to me) playing dead making choking noises. He had string a cord from the window to his bed and was putting pressure down to pull it. I took it off of him and was really distressed I went out and got the police who said "he seems fine now" I slept on the couch and tried to rearrange my tickets. I had no money to pay for new ones and rearrange the tests and things. He blamed me for wanting to kill himself. I couldn't understand what was going on then he begged me to stay because this is when he needed me the most. The rest of the trip was awful. Constant mood swings and arguing. One night he was drilling something and dropped the drill and was worried that the neighbours would complain about the noise and he hit himself in the temple with the drill. I felt my stomach turn. Another flash of his psycho side. So the trip over I left and he became really distant hardly talking. Arguing. Name calling and being abusive. Telling me he'd kill himself. I was tired of it. I couldn't say anything anymore without upsetting him. Everything he turned on me. So I ignored him too. And he would then complain. He wouldn't tell me about his day. Nothing. Didn't care how I was. The only time we talked he would attack me. So I contacted his ex. It turns out he did the same things with her too. He tried to "hang himself" he broke a brate on her back. He jumped off the balcony after she locked him on there because he was threatening her after she saw he'd been flirting and nessaging other girls. He chucked her out in the streets and she had no papers and was illegal at that point. The list goes on be was a horrible person. So I found out he gets a new gf every few months and uses them. Promises then a good life and never delivers. I told him I know he lied about everything but he never answered. Coward. He had lots of women and lovers. I don't understand why someone would lie so much. And now I feel like everyone should know what he's really like. He's a psycho. What would you do ? I blocked him from everything but I know he will do this over and over to other women. Of course I realise now I was stupid and too trusting. I made the mistake to go there and that's my fault. I even went back a second time like an idiot but lesson learned - big time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2021): Typo corrections:
"***I can hear a woman's terrified scream in the back of [my] mind, like you hear in horror movies!***"
"I'm so glad you called the police, which gave them a head's-up; should you have gone missing, or he had made it impossible for you [to] getaway from him."
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2021): It sounds like your ex may be suffering from some kind of mental illness.. I don't know what country you live in but I'm sure they have a hotline or you should just contact the police when he threatens suicide. As for your question should you out him as being " crazy" no I don't think you should . People need to learn on there own how someone is and in this case it would only cause drama and you don't need that in your life plus he seems unstable and messing with someone mentally unstable could be dangerous to you. I say your relationship ending with him was the best thing that could have happened for you and to just now move on and let it go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2021): I'm the last guy to criticize the length of anybody's post. Express yourself! I read every word, start to finish! That's what we're here for.
Ladies, here's a bit of side-advice. Be suspicious of any guy telling you how upset he is about being "repeatedly cheated-on." That should be a warning, he repeatedly makes bad-choices! Players use this lame-material to get your sympathies stirred-up; because they know you'll easily relate to it. Then they'll masterfully create this pathetic façade of vulnerability; which makes you drop your guard, and feel sorry for him. Come on, aren't you suspicious that women repeatedly cheat on a guy? Yes, it can happen...but come on! I'd look at anybody sideways, and I'd be a little skeptical of a man claiming all the women he knew in the past have cheated on him, and have done him wrong. There's always two-sides to every story, and his would be somewhat biased. Your backstory and his backstory are not one in the same; they just seem coincidental. Too coincidental!
Everything that has ever happened to you, he can match it? Isn't that strangely suspicious, girlfriend? He's just echoing your story!!! He has only compiled all the stories he has heard from the women he has played, and whatever stunts he pulled on them; and he's using them to make you feel you're the only person in the world he can trust. That is so condescending and cheap! They usually top it off with using the L-word. Makes me gag, and throw-up in the back of my throat!!! Remember, even serial-killers can be handsome and charming!
The guy seems like a certified schizophrenic! This kind of post is educational to many readers. It sends a message to naive and/or lonely-women who get themselves deeply attached and emotionally-involved with online love-connections; and traveling over distances (at great expense) to "God only knows what?"!!! You have no idea who this guy really is, you had never met in-person; and you stayed with him!***I can hear a woman's terrified scream in the back of mind, like you hear in horror movies!***
His first performance on the original-trip should have been more than enough warning. You placed your very life in peril by returning to such unpredictable conditions and unstable behavior as you experienced on your first visit. The guy behaved in a very dangerous and erratic way; yet you went back after witnessing all that frightening conduct. He even threatened you! You should have left shortly after he told you he tried to off himself, and why! He was admitting he has serious mental-health issues; and you were all alone with him, and far from home! You couldn't hop in a cab, or just drive off! You didn't bring enough "mad-money" to get yourself a hotel, or another place to stay until you could fly home! You were completely at his mercy!!! ***Scratching my head about this!*** Girl, what on earth were you thinking???
You cannot let liking somebody dismiss his bad-behavior! According to your description, he was blatantly and completely disturbed! If someone displays aggression, punches himself, and makes threats; that tells you he is capable of harming himself! Even worse, he can hurt YOU!!! How that first encounter didn't scare you enough not to return, I just don't understand? Even you question your own intelligence! Yet you defied reason, and your own sense of self-preservation, to be with this guy! You based everything on his online-persona; while paying no attention to his real-time actions and behavior. He put-on a full-fledged nut-show; and pulled-off a complete psycho-performance, right in-front of you!!! Just reading about it, scared the dickens out of me! I am so glad you got out of there okay!
I'm so glad you called the police, which gave them a head's-up; should you have gone missing, or he had made it impossible for you getaway from him. He'd be the first suspect, or person of interest, had there been any foul play.
Ladies, take notes! Do not be so emotionally-attached you'd totally ignore disturbed and irrational-behavior. Especially, when you know nothing more about the guy; than the fake-persona he created for you online.
Sweetheart, don't berate or put yourself down. Just make sure you are in-charge of your feelings and emotions; and they are not entirely in-control of you. Love does not require you to be stupid, or a martyr. It does require you to fully engage your intellect and common sense; not just your emotions, when you are establishing a romantic-connection. I know online-romances are the norm these days; but it's riskier than first meeting people in-person. You don't know who they are and what's-up with them; until you have met them one-on-one. Once you see something wrong, or off about them; you should end it then and there! No, they do not deserve another chance to chop you into iddy-biddy pieces; or stuff you into a suitcase, and ditch your body somewhere.
Lesson well-learned, and I'm glad you shared your story with others. Please don't put yourself down. You were totally fooled by his alter-ego; the wonderful romantic-guy he created for you online and over the phone. I'm ecstatic you've come out of this unscathed and better educated. Thank God! The internet is a perfect cover for predators, trolls, and players. They'll custom-design themselves according to your descriptions and profile criteria. They see you coming!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (21 October 2021):
 Yikes, Op
Just yikes! I won't dump on you since you seem aware that YOU put yourself in some of this mess, you didn't "pull out" and "end it" when you KNOW you should have.
We see this so often on here. Women (especially) who ignore all the red flags with a guy thinking they can fix him or that it's themselves that makes these men behave this way. It rarely is.
And we see people dating people in LDR's where they *think* they really know the other person when in reality they don't. People lie. Much easier to LIE to someone who is 100's or 1,000's miles away. Easy to create a persona that seems like a "perfect" person.
People NEED to accept that they CAN make bad choices in partners. Ignoring the red flags doesn't mean they didn't make a mistake.
In your case, this mistake COULD have ended your life. OP. I think you are aware of this.
While I can't diagnose him I'd say this. He isn't a psycho. He is, however, seriously mentally ill.
I have to ask how and where did you meet him? If it was on a dating site, CONTACT the site. Get the ex-gf's info to make your case. Hopefully, they will take his profile down and deny him access. (though they don't often do much about these things). You can't always save other people from making mistakes.
But MOSTLY, YOU are not responsible for his actions. Not his past actions nor his future actions.
My advice? Stop dating guys in other countries. Date in your own area. Date someone you can get to know over time.
I think the reason this man has been able to do all this to probably MULTIPLE women is that he selects women who live far enough away that he can woo them with words. They don't really get to know him. They don't see his antics and strange behavior. At least not until they go visit. And then they are STUCK at HIS place in a foreign country. That is dangerous AF!!
Lastly, OP - get STD/STI check done. If he has had that many partners you have no idea if he was "clean" to begin with.
You need to put this behind you. You need to focus on YOUR life. Not his. You can not let this creep live rent-free in your head. Like I said, YOU ARE NOT responsible for his man, you are NOT responsible for what HE chooses to do and what other grown women choose to do.
I know that your heart is in the right place, that you don't want other women to go through any of the crap you did. Realistically, there isn't much you CAN do.
Learn from this, do not repeat. That is really all you CAN do.
(and if you met on a dating site... file a complaint or flag his account).
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