A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:I live in an apartment with husband, Here is a break down of our expenses and earnings monthlyRent $920 inclusive of hydro.Tv phone and internet 102.Food around $300 - $330Also we pay for apartment insurance.Food also includes all toiletries, washing liquid, conditioner, etc.He earns around $2023 NET per month, he works full time.I work part time with a guaranteed monthly income of less than half of that $1100, BUT I do pick up extra shifts and my average monthly pay is between $1400 and $1500.Total of expenses come to 1350.I also have a cell phone and car and insurance which I pay for independently, fuel etc.I also got into a lot of debt and am paying consumer proposal $150 per month, am allowed no credit.My husband insists that because I don't want to pool my money together with his, that I should pay half which has now been raised to $700 so it is 50/50.Is this fair ? Given that he earns almost twice as much as me monthly.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 December 2013):
 he said he wanted to pool the money, what makes you feel that you would not have access to the money once pooled?
what makes you think he would make you wait for the money you need?
pool the money
write a budget
account for free spending allowance money that you don't have to account for (like xxx per week or whatever)
budget in your travel money
you say you like your financial independence.. then you have to accept that half of the bills should be paid for by HALF of the couple.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): Hello again
It was his idea for us to pool. I was totally against it as I need money for travelling to see my family, some months I make more, some less, I really enjoy having my own money and financial independence. I would hate to pool an have to ask for everything, I would be cuckoo in no time.
There is no way I can be one of those wives that have to ask for money then wait for it. No way!!!!
So we are both comfortable with having our own money, me moreso.
My question was not for this but to ask is it fair that he should be taking 50.50 considering he is almost earning twice as much. Thank you all for your replies.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 December 2013):
I am old school..
here is my story....
My husband does ok... he makes a bit more than half of what I make. I do very well... and with his inheritance BEFORE we were married but when we knew we were getting married, he paid off my large debt (credit cards) and he rehabbed our home (the one I owned for 20+ years before he was my spouse) so we live a nice life.
Money from the minute we knew we were going to be a permanent couple was JOINT... we have ONE savings account and ONE checking account both in our names. BOTH of our pay checks go into the account.
household bills are budgeted by him and paid by me. that way we both know everything that is going on. BIG purchases are joint... both of us agree to a purchase or an activity.
NO money is hidden... none of this 50/50 crap. it's 100/100 his money is mine and mine is his. NOTE I make nearly 50% more than him so I'm speaking from the POV of the higher earner just so you get the picture that your husband is being a butt-head.
all casual spending (lunch out during the week at work) or random house hold expenses (grocerys and supplies etc) require receipts that are given to the other person on Friday...for example.. hubby goes to PT for his back and pays the co-pay... the receipt is given to me just so I KNOW... of course we put almost EVERYTHING on one joint credit card (paid off monthly) and we both check on it..
NO secrets so no need to hide anything.
IF he demands to keep funds separate then the only way to do it is NOT 50/50 but PERCENTAGE. IN other words you earn 40% of what he earns (not sure of the amount but someone with math can help) so you pay 40% of the joint bills that you are responsible for (do not pay for the mortgage if your name is not on the mortgage or the deed as your husband does not seem to get what marriage really means)
it's way hard to figure out and to me it indicates the marriage is not a marriage but a business deal... which is kind of sad since my marriage IS a business arrangement and it looks more like a marriage than yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): Also, I forgot to mention although many other aunts already have: Why is your money separated? Does one of you have a spending problem, debt, or other issue that concerns the other? Something to think about when thinking about how "fair" the situation is. Best of luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): It depends on how everything else is split. Housework? Cooking? Taking care of kids/pets? If all else is split evenly, and he does his fair share, then yes it's "fair" to split bills evenly as well. If you're working part time because you're doing all the housework & taking care of kids/pets (if any) then it's not fair. Housework & kids work is work too! You may not get paid in money, but it take work from him that he doesn't have to do. If all else is split evenly, then splitting bills is a fair call. If it bothers you then you may consider getting a full time job. Marriage is NOT about calculating expenses so that everything is "fair," but unfortunately when it comes down to your situation, that's how it works. I hope I helped!
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (15 December 2013):
 Is housework split evenly down the middle? How does he plan to enforce this? What plans does he have for the extra money?
How does getting a divorce and splitting the assets evenly down the middle strike his fancy?
Having separate accounts is actually a good idea. Many people do it and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. The fact is money provides power and it's HOW you use it that determines whether it's good or bad. You don't need to have power over him, but you do need to have enough to make decent decisions for yourself.
Unless you have a history of running amuck and wracking up expenses that your husband is left to pay for, I find his request unrealistic and mean spirited and my response would be a simple 'Nope. Not happening.'
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 December 2013):
 BTW, I'm wondering about your hesitance for combining bills. Is it out of guilt because of your debts? Is it because of a sense that money equals power? Is it because you don't trust him with all of the finances?
I'm asking because usually it's the higher earner that resists pooling.
If it's because of your debts, consider the long term life you have. You're in a credit counseling, which is wonderful. But I'm going to go right out and say it here - if your spending habits caused the need to go into counseling, you shouldn't have separate finances. Sometimes financial infidelity is more damning to a marriage than marital infidelity, and the last thing a compulsive spender needs is a good way to cover tracks. Separate bank accounts cover tracks. I'm not assuming that you are one, but the fact that I wonder if you're staying separate out of guilt also makes me wonder if you're sneaking in this marriage, which couldn't happen if everything is pooled and both of you remain accountable to each other as you should.
For a marriage, paying off debts is a community thing. My husband brought a bunch of debt into the marriage (student loans and a car payment and some CC's), and I thought nothing of using our combined resources to knock it all out fast. We have never had a time when I wasn't the primary earner, and it's never ever bothered me, nor do I consider myself any more entitled than him. Money is not the marker of power.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2013): What is the reason though that you don't combine your money? Is he a reckless spender? Are you? There should be a reason why you guys don't do it. A situation with my husabnd is as follows. He puts a certain amount of money on our common account because I only work very part time and comparing to what he earns I earn very little. So, he puts for example 4k$ into our common account. I pay bills: mortgage, utilities, gas for my car, food for the house, and my clothes and Beaty treatments. I also try to put money away for a vacation.But he also has his money that he spends on his outings with his friends, and when we go out, he always pays from his extra money. But minimum nessesesary for bills he puts on the account. He doesn't even questions that. In your situation, your husband doesn't make enough to cover the whole shebang. Well, he does, but then he is left with very little.Your situation seems very strenuous. There is no common purpose in finances in life. Each of you is pulling a blanket on their side. If you guys put all your money together, it would be easier for both of you to save for the future. But it seems like you are the one who doesn't want to combine incomes,mso I don't really see how your husband is wrong.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (14 December 2013):
 I work out our budget contribution according to percentages and if one has a debt or desires to buy nonessentials they can pay for it out of their own pocket. It makes our financial life fair and simple as I could not possibly compete with my partner’s income and his want for rubbish :)
Nor can he with my having more assets as we came together later on in our life. But if we came to divorce (the business end of any marriage), naturally our personal rules go out the window. (Yet we do have a legal arrangement in place.)
Be that you are married (perhaps from the beginning of time) and the income distribution is uneven to date, as I’m sure the household chores etc. would be equally uneven. I then see no reason why you shouldn’t be granted to pay less towards the rent, keeping in mind you will then be responsible for this compromise in duties.
On the other hand you could subscribe to pooling your money together where he’d then be going 50/50 on your debit, cell phone, car, insurance and fuel.
Pending which way your financial arrangement leans, be it business like or combined there can be compromise.
CAA
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 December 2013):
 "Sounds" to me like your "marriage" is a business partnership... and thereby, YOU have to ante up 1/2 of what the partnership incurs, for expenses, each month.....
IF you want to have this some other way,.... I suggest taht you confront hubby and say, "You know, Hunchy-Bunchy, I do what I can to provide my "fair share" to our pairing... but I'm concerned that it's not 1/2. Are you? 'Cuz if you are (concerned) then this really ISN'T a "marriage"... is it? ... but, instead, it's just kind of a "roommate" arrangement. Is that what you want? 'Cuz, if it is... then I want to have the option of "opting out" ... and going with a guy who will treat my situation a little differently..."
Then, listen to his reply... after which, I predict, you will make your way to the door.... exit.... and never look back....
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 December 2013):
 YouWish explained it perfectly.
You are NOT room mates, so IMHO you should have a shared account where ALL money goes into and that pays the bills. You should SAVE up together not separately.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 December 2013):
Here is the problem with splitting income like you're roommates:
When you marry, you sign a paper stating that you are creating a new financial entity. The tax rules change to that of married status, and many of the other things as well are that.
Also, the "equity" in the household is not limited to the amount of the paycheck. If you have a kid or plan to, your time is valuable as well as your impact on your earning potential. Otherwise, he's going to be paying child care which at between $600 to $1000+ per month per child depending on age and needs, is he wanting to reimburse you your half of the time?
Not only that, but what about the other chores? Are those distributed equally (cooking, cleaning, shopping, errands, child-related stuff when it comes)? If not, how is the one doing less around the house compensated for their time and inability to work and further their own careers?
Why do you think alimony was created in the first place? It wasn't to punish men. It was to compensate the lower earner or stay-at-home-partner for their contribution to the marriage and the management of the home. The SAH makes the contribution of their time and the choice to raise the child and keep the home.
People don't get that time is much more valuable than money, because you don't save it. If one person makes more and props his ability to do so on his spouse's time, it is not fair. That's why the fair way is to combine all finances and make a budget that way based on the HOUSEHOLD's income.
If you still want to split stuff and maintain separate, it would be much more fair to have it be percentage commensurate, because as the marriage keeps going, unless you count every penny, groceries, repairs, car purchases and transportation costs, mortgages and such are going to be between each of you. It isn't fair that you're an equal contributor (time and money), yet you're encumbered and he's living large counting all the money he's putting away as HIS savings. Wrong.
Legally, marital incomes, pensions, pensions, properties, investments are considered assets. If you split, you split these things 50/50 unless you have a pre-nup.
Debts and liabilities (credit cards, mortgages, student loans, are all split.
You and he should pool. I know you don't want to, but the best way is a hybrid, meaning you have a primary checking and savings you pay household expenses from, and you have secondary individual accounts you pay into like a bill, say you each get so much per week as a personal spending budget. meaning those are for discretionary spending.
The split should not be 50/50.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2013): My dad gave me some really good advice about money - he told me that him and his wife put ALL the money together regardless of who was earning what, then they would that use the money to pay for rent/bills/food/debts and only when there was nothing else to pay for then whatever is left is slipt 50/50. That was there are no arguements about what someone was spending, could decide if you want wanted to save. Basically it gives them their own equal share of money to do as they please, and if one run out of cash its there own fault as it was split equal. Dad told me it was a fair way to run a relationship, that its one of the keys to his successful marriage that there is an equal partnership between them.
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female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (14 December 2013):
I don't understand splitting bills. My husband and I have two accounts. One is to pay bills and one is to save for fun or rainy days. He makes more than me so the account that pays the bills is where his cheques go into. I make less and that is the savings account. It is only touched when we need money if his account has been hit hard with monthly payments. I have access to his account and he has access to mine. Any big purchases we discuss together. I realize relationship do what work for them to keep all happy but have you ever approached him and had a serious conversation? Maybe he feels you should work full time to assist with bills. Have you had problems spending money in the past? Maybe he feels your not reponsible enough to save. There is alot of questions in why this happens. You need to sit and chat with him about this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2013): Honestly that's not fair.
Well I am very old fashion when it comes to situation such as this.
I grew up to a family where in my dad takes care of everything.
Even at the time that he was struggling financially, I never ever heard him saying that my mom should share anything for the family.
I maybe old fashion when it comes to this matter but I don't expect men to pay for everything. However i don't expect them as well to require a woman to share for household expenses.
Like, I am really turn off by that kind of man. I'm so sorry, I just think you married a wrong guy. Your starting to question your marriage, there is something wrong with it, right? And you feel it. Otherwise you wont be writing here.
How would he treat you if in case you lose your job? Will he still be a husband or your master?
I cant just imagine a man like him exist in this world.
I'm so sorry for you. Well, if you love him maybe you should talk to him how you feel. If he loves you, he should be able to understand, compromise and be a good husband to you.
I wish you well.Hope everything goes well for both of you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2013): There are families like your who split bills, but those thati know go proportionally depending on income. There are several reasons why people do it: one came into marriage with debts, the party doesn't feel like paying of her spouses old debt that she had no part in. Spending habits: one spends money on expensive outings, shoes, hobbies and so on.
I understand this 100%, but there should be fairness between two people who love each other. You are not just roommates, you are a couple, and because you make less money, it should be divided accordingly.
Unless he treats you to outings all the time, buys you stuff and overall generous enough. But tdoesnt sound like it.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (14 December 2013):
 my first initial thought is curiosity about why you don't just work full-time? if you work full-time, you'd make twice the amount you make now and earn more than him. and then none of this would be an issue. is there a reason why you don't? or get another part-time job?
my second thought is curiosity why you don't just join your finances into one bank account? you're married now, so it may be easier that way.
it's hard to answer this question without knowing why you don't work full-time. are there kids at home you're taking care of? has he asked you NOT to work? have you started school? is there a health reason you can only work part-time? or are you just choosing not to work full-time because you don't want to?
my typical view of marriage is that all things are shared and money isn't something that you hold over each others head. to me, you're supposed to be a team. sounds more like you're roommates at this point, arguing over who's paying the bills.
being that you're both choosing to pay things seperately, and only knowing the simple facts and not knowing WHY, my logical advice would be to say to pick up a second job or work full-time, and split things down the middle. that's the best i can do.
if there's a legitimate reason you CAN'T work full-time, then you should probably come up with a more fair way to split the bills.
good luck.
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