A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this guy for about 3 and a half months now, and so far it's been really great for the most part. He's a really sweet guy, and he treats me really well. We hang out a few times a week and we talk everyday. He's met a lot of my friends and he even met my sister and her kids. He's from out of state, so I haven't been able to meet his best friends from back home or his family, but I have met his best friends on campus. He talks about me coming to his hometown and meeting his friends there and all of these future activities that we'll do together. I know that his family and friends back home know about me though because he's mentioned telling them things about me before. It all sounds really good. The only problem is he won't really offer me any commitment. He acts like my boyfriend, and he's told me before that he's not seeing anyone else or looking for anyone else, but when I one asked him if we were exclusive he said that he's never really thought about it. I know that he hasn't had a relationship since he started college (we're both in our third year now), and I think he might have a really weird view of relationships. He once told me that he didn't know people had boyfriends or girlfriends in college unless they came to school with one. He also said that to him relationships are like playing dress up as a kid - just pretending until you're married. All I really got out of him when I asked him what we're doing is that to him every relationship ends with a breakup or marriage and everything else is just fun in between, and this right now is his fun in between. He said he could definitely see it going somewhere serious though. He's told me that we can call this a relationship if that's what I want because what he wants is to make me happy and to keep dating me, but it just sounds like he's appeasing me there. I don't think this is just sex for him because he hadn't had sex with anyone for two years before me and we didn't have sex until a month and a half into this, but I'm not sure what it is. I met him on an online dating site, so I assumed he wanted something serious, but I think I was wrong. I know I kind of rambled through this, but I just need someone else's opinion on this guy. He's really great, and he acts like my boyfriend, but I'm not sure what he wants. Is this serious for him? Is saying that he doesn't believe in relationships a cop out? Everything else about us is great, I don't have any other complaints. I just need to know what I am to him. Should this be a deal breaker? Any opinions anyone can give me would be greatly appreciated. I'm so confused with this guy!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): The thing that strikes me as odd is that he straight up called you his "fun in between." That to me sounds like he isnt looking for a long tern relationship, or at least he doesn't want to be labeled as your boyfriend. If a guy wants you, trust me, you would be his girlfriend and grew would let everyone know. Either that our he's really naive to what dating and being in a relationship is.I'd say give it some more time, say 6 months and by that time, if he still didn't know what you two are, call it off and find someone who's willing to commit.
A
male
reader, devont  +, writes (14 December 2013):
 I don't think you should put pressure on him to put a label on your relationship, it will push him away and he may feel like you forced him into it if he DOES agree.
BUT. I don't think it is unreasonable to want commitment from him, when is he going to decide its serious? The day of your wedding or the day of your breakup? I don't get it.
I think give it to 6 months, because that's enough time to decide there's anything, and if he won't commit, maybe consider calling time if it makes you unhappy.
All the best!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 December 2013):
So you're willing to leave a perfectly good guy because he won't "clarify" things?
There are two problems I see here. One is the above question. The second is that you are asking him to clarify when you have every right to tell him what you expect from him- a committed relationship. If he doesn't agree, then yes, it could be a deal breaker.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (14 December 2013):
 wow, he seems to have no clue how dating works. either that or he's really good at conveniently playing dumb for his own benefit.
people don't just get married without first having a commitment to each other. at least not in our culture. people don't go from casually dating to getting married. the normal steps are meeting, casually dating, exclusively dating, then committing to each other as an official couple, and THEN marriage. and of course people meet in college and commit to each other. a lot of people meet in college and wind up married. it's very common. that's just stupid.
he knows this. he's actively choosing not to commit. after 3 and a half months, he should know if he wants to be with you or not. not marriage, but commitment-wise.
i think you'll find that this is just going to get more and more prolonged and you'll just wind up getting more and more frustrated. i don't see him committing. i think he's just having a good time. it sounds like that's just how he views college.
it sounds to me like you're looking for a commitment and it's starting to make you unhappy that's he's not giving it. that's very understandable. only you know how long is too long before you leave him. if it were me, i'd set a mental time-frame in my mind. if at the 6 month mark, the person was still not willing to make a formal commitment to me, i would just walk away. it wouldn't be worth it to me. i think you should consider doing the same. who needs to waste their time on someone who doesn't want to commit and only sees himself having "fun" in college? your time and energy is worth more than that.
best of luck.
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