A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Please help. My husband had a non sexual (I think I believe this} 'affair' with a work colleague during which time they got very emotionally close (I was being very unloving to him at the time although he never stopped showing he loved and fancied me). It has been over for some time since I found out but I just can't forgive and forget.I keep questioning him continually hoping to 'catch him out' and get him to confess that there was more to it than he wants me to believe.This, of course, makes him mad as he obviously wants it forgotten about and I know he loves me very much. If anything, I am getting worse not better as I can't get it out of my system.I continually imagine them together or texting and phoning and can't bear the thought of him having been so close to another woman.Some of the texts I inadvertently saw mentioned 'love' and there was a lot of sexual flirting but they also talked about not having had sex and how the waiting made it more exciting.My husband insists it would never have happened and it was just a way to boost his esteem as I didn't show any affection (which is true}.I keep thinking what would have happened if I hadn't discovered?We are blissfully happy apart from my obsession which is spoiling everything.Do you think I should get on with our lives and put it behind me or do you think that I've been taken for a mug and that he is likely to do something like that again? It's been so horrendous I just couldn't stand history repeating itself. Thanks for reading.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): Be thankful that it were only an emotional affair. This occured during a period of your not being your old self and they needing a caring heart to talk to. It was not physical which, to me, sounds like a man who would never betray you in such a way that could never be taken back. Be glad he had someone to turn to but was able to keep that clean. An emotional void was filled for a period where he may have been just justified to leave you because you were misbehaving. Now, if that person is still in your lives that may be different. If they are gone be thankful that a stranger entered into both of your lives long enough to hold you both together and then left your lives to allow you both to find one another once more.
A
female
reader, mialucy +, writes (25 October 2009):
I know how you feel,a year ago i found out via an e-mail he forgot to delete that my husband had a secret female friend for over 10yrs.A friendship developed whilst working together and carried on when he left the co.Again he says it was not sexual (though he admitted fantazing sex with her) they just met for lunch, just a friend he really got on with,"they clicked" apparently.When i look back i too can see how unloving i had been,and had totally taken him for granted.However the shock that he was capable of such deceit was overwhelming,and i never thought it would be possible to come to terms with.The fact that she is young enough to be my daughter didnt help.Once i found out he ended the friendship over the phone whilst i listened in,he says he didnt tell me because i wouldnt like it,but had no idea it would affect me so badly.I couldnt eat sleep etc. my world had been rocked and i became obsessed with finding out everything i could about this friendship.We talked half the night everynight until we were both exhausted!But i can honestly say our marriage is better then ever,we have rekindled our relationship and are like newlyweds,we both realise how much we love and care for each other,and will never take each other for granted again.sometimes it takes something like this to put a bomb under your relationship and make you both sit up and realise what you'v got and how easily you could lose it.I'm afraid i still think about it alot ie why i'm still reading these articles,but YOU can come through this and have a far closer and loving relationship.I wish you luck,remember you love each other and now know what you both need to do to keep your marriage alive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): actually i m also having the same problem as my husband is very much emotionaly involve with a girl i forgave him atleast 7 times n always he promised me to never do this again but it is going on
i just want to advise u that think first do u have the guts to leave him if yes then forget him if u dont hav then forget all the mistakes made by him coz he will never leave that girl its the truth...
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (14 October 2009):
 Hi again, i don't think you can believe he didn't cheat cos you don't believe in yourself enough. He can't make you believe him, it's something that can only come from you.
You sound like you have poor self image or low confidence.
He's married to you remember, not that other woman.
Work on yourself a bit and stop focusing on him and his antics so much. There's nothing much more he can do or say now is there?
Work on your self esteem,there's loads of great books out there. good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): Thank you all. You have made a lot of sense but although I know I am repeating history by going on at him, I can not see how I will ever trust him again. Also, the torment about what really happened is driving me mad and also him because I keep quizzing him hoping he will tell the truth but of course I wouldn't know anyway if it was!!
How do other people accept and move on???
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (12 October 2009):
Hi, i think you cant get past it and the mistrust you have of him is getting worse because you don't get enough reassurance from your husband. Has he said something along the lines of he's apologised enough now and wants it all put under the carpet?
You won't be able to if you don't get enough reassurance from him. You say you didn't show him any affection before. Why was this?
This is the reason behind his affair. I don't understand how you two can be blissfully happy.
Try marriage counselling, somewhere like relate to get you both on track again. You were pushing him away before his affair with this woman and your doing it again now.
You need to ask yourself why you're doing it. good luck x
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (11 October 2009):
 I think when we keep on trying to be with someone physically and are continually turned down we begin to build resentment. Of course that is when offers form other people sound better. It is at that point a person should talk to their spouse and try to let them know there is an issue that NEEDS to be dealt with. If the spouse chooses not to pay attention things can get worse.
It is common for us to get lazy in our marriages since we begin to become complacent. It sounds as though that happened to you. At least you can admit that you didn't give your husband the attention he deserved. That doesn't give him premission to cheat but it does explain his interest in attention from other females.
If you want to make your marriage work you should try and see the big picture and understand the mechanics of what happened. It is like a recipe, you put certain things together and you get a reult. That is what happened with your husband. You can not make tell you anything he doesn't want to tell you. You have to accept that he has told you the truth or that you understand why he acted as he did and try to forgive him. I have asked a million questions like you have and it almost drove m y wife crazy. I was jealous of her and attention whe received from some guy on night. What made me crazy and obsessed was this, it bothered me that she could feel flattered that some guy made a pass at her but she didnb't seem to be too impressed when I did. That infuriated me and made me question her about this guy and everything he said, did etc. I wanted to know why she felt flattered, was this the kind of guy she liked, would date if she was single, was he nice, handsome.....
What we need to accept sometimes is that there are other people out there we could love or even just be attracted to. We don't dwell on those thoughts because we could never focus on our relationships. the same goes for our partners too. I find the best way to keep your partner assured that you value and desire them is to always show them. Do the things you did when you first met. Afterall, if you were single again you'd be reaching into the old bag of tricks to impress potential partners. The odd thing is this, if we are still capable of behaving like this, why is it so difficult to be this way with our spouses. It's because it has become routine. Why can we have hot sex with a ne partner but not our spouses? It's becasue we take them for granted.
Remember, if you don't treat your spouse well, someone else will. So if you spouse was interested in someone else, it doesn't mean you are valued less. It just meand as a couple you lost the focus on your marriage. It is important to always show your love to your partner.
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A
male
reader, shane in dallas  +, writes (11 October 2009):
 Fix your mistake. You have taken responsibility for not treating him or your relationship well, now take action. Turn yourself around and find the love again with your great guy. Remember: He did not physically cheat on you!!!! His actions where directly related to your actions. Don't beat yourself up with the blame, but realize he found solace in a friend without committing adultery and let it go. Release the negativity and bless the universe for showing you the problem before it got out of hand. Even through the hard times, your husband kept to his vows to you. He just received emotional support during his hard time. But you can take his heart back by giving yours to him. You have a great opportunity now that all is out in the open and can have a 2nd chance.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 October 2009):
I don't think you've been taken for a mug. I think he was honest about his emotional affair. You need to sit him down and talk to him about how you feel. Tell him that you feel unloved as well, and that you're terrified that it will happen again. Really explain to him how you feel. Hopefully, he'll listen. You can get past this, and clearly it will take time. Also, though it is tempting to question him over adn over again, you must try to stop it, because if you don't, you will drive him away. Talk to him gently about how you feel.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2009): My husband went out with friends from work one night. He came he that morning at 4am. He came home for a couple of hours and left the house earlie. He decides to call me the next morning to tell me that he met this girl that happens to be one of his coworkers. He said that he liked the way that she made him "Feel"??? What does that mean?? He said she gave him attention that I never give him.. This was three years ago,and I can't get over it. It's the not knowing what exactly happend that kills me. I'm seriously thinking of getting divorced.
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