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male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have been dating a young woman for a few months. She is very sweet and I care very much for her. She came over to my apartment when I wasn't home yesterday and my room mate let her in. She went into my room and found an old year book I had and just started looking through it. She found an old photograph that I left between the pages of a girl who I was with for over a year and confronted me as to why I still had her picture. The girl in the photograph and I were together for a short time. We had a good relationship but had a few problems too. One night I was taking her home and we were hit by a truck that ran a red light. She died in my arms. Even though the accident was not my fault I blamed myself for a long time. I didn't see or date anyone for a long time after this incident. I finally did see a girl for a month but things did not work out. At this point I have finally met someone else. I told her about what happend before we even went out on a date. She asked me if I had gotten over it and I told her that I had. Now the thing is I am trying to carry on with my life. I kept her picture and honestly I will never forget her. I did care for her but I wasn't in love with her but I did love her. I don't know if that makes sense. She was special but she wasn't the one. My girl friend is telling me that I have to let her go. She wants me to get rid of her picture and she wants me to get rid of the letters she wrote me. I told her that I already let her go. She says that as long as I have these things that I have not let her go. I think that she is being cruel and I don't think that she knows how she is making me feel. She really is a good person but on this I think she is very wrong. so I guess what I really need to know is this. Is she in the wrong here? Am I? Do I need to get rid of these things to show that I have moved on?
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female
reader, Nanigirl09  +, writes (23 July 2012):
Dear Sir,
The answer is YES. You need to put to rest all possession of your passed girl friend. I was in a relationship with a man I loved very much who had experienced something very similar to what you and your currant girl friend are going though. Nothing you can do will bring her back. What is important is the love you have with your currant girl friend NOW!!! It is her special time with you. Don't make the same mistake that my ex-boyfriend made with me. And that was denying me our precious first month together with out past ghosts,and spirits, living in his home. It took me many years to fall in love again, and now it has been taken away from me because of someone who has passed away. Let her have her chance to love you without any doubt of where your heart is now.
Nanigirl09
I tried so hard to put her to rest for the both of us. And failed miserably. I believe that his ex dead girl friend would of wanted him to move on and find love on this earth. But the harder I tried to put her to rest the more resistance he and his ex girl friend children made it for me. We all only get one life, the is a fact. Don't waste your girl friend life on grieving the death of another women. Clean your house out, so that she can come in and make a home with you.
A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (5 May 2010):
 If you want to keep the pictures, then you should have that right. No girlfriend should come in and tell you what to do. If anything, she should be compassionate and sensitive to your situation. I feel she is insecure and needs to understand that with a pic or without a pic, this was a traumatic life altering experience that you can never erase out of your mind. Only time will heal and lesson your memory.
It doesn't matter if you are a virgin or not. You sound like a great guy and if she doesn't understand then another girl will come along who does.
Don't be afraid to lose her.
Bottom line. If you want to get rid of the pic, then do it...but only on your own terms and when you are ready.
I agree with other posters. Create a memory box and lock it away. You don't have to throw away the picture but you also need to move on and its not healthy to have it so accessible where you can look at it everyday.
BEst of luck
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A
female
reader, veba +, writes (5 May 2010):
KEEP IT....
I can say I call my self jealous type but if I was in ur new gf situation! I would try to do my best to not let it get to me! This girl is not longer Alive Y should she have anything to worry about! I don't think u should throw it away is the only thing u have left from her! And who knows this new girlfriend might not be the one! And if u guys end up brake up then that will leave u with nothing! Without the girl and without those memories of someone u really cared for!
Good luck! :)
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A
male
reader, AnonymousWin +, writes (2 May 2010):
Man, just keep it in a safe place for good memory and a great life you had then. It's time to move on and let the new in and the old out. Never let go of your ex, just keep it in the back of your mind that she'll be within you. Keep your love strong and try not to have your new girlfriend control what you use to have. She must understand that it's really important to you and that you should keep it if she really loves you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2010): In high school, two of my friends lost their boyfriends in sudden, tragic accidents. That was over 20 years ago. They have both married and had children of their own, and by all accounts moved on with their lives. Yet, they still remember their loss. One friend visits the grave of her high school boyfriend from time to time, not because she is living with a ghost, but because she lost someone who was special to her. They are not wrapped up in the past or their loss, but it is a part of who they are and they can't discard their experiences even if they tried.
Throwing out the photos won't change your experience or remove the memory of what happened. Throwing out photos does not mean you've moved forward any more than holding on to them means you haven't.
Speak from your heart and let your girlfriend know that remembering someone who was special and has passed on does not mean you don't have room in your heart to love another. Let her know that she is not second best and that the feelings you had for your ex cannot compare to what you feel for her. The photos are stashed in a yearbook, not displayed in frames throughout your apartment, and this shows that although you still have the memory, you have chosen to live your life and move on. Explain that you can just throw these things out because they are disrespectful to the memory of your friend and try to come up with a compromise that works for both of you. Hopefully your effort to make her more comfortable will make her feel less insecure.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (28 April 2010):
 OK Jumping back in.
The question has been raised. How can she be jealous of someone who isn't alive. Some of the aunts have touched on it, because as women they understand it. I think it will be helpful to our OP to understand it as well.
Women constantly compare the time that a man spends with them with the time he spends with any one or any thing else. It is kind of amazing to see in action. it is like a huge constantly updating spread sheet. They can get jealous of anything they see as not being connected to them. They can be jealous of your Mother. They can be jealous of your friends. They can be jealous of your team. They can be jealous of your boat. They can get jealous of your online game. etc. etc. etc. You8 have probably seen examples of this.
The trick here is the balance. You just need to spend the appropriate time with her and her interests. Then it won't matter what you spend the other time on.
Right now you are in trouble and, she has asked for a sacrifice. This is trickier. If you give in too fast, she will either demand more, or think of you as weak and lose interest in you. Standing your ground on a subject that is important to you is actually a very good thing. She is not looking for a collared wimp. But you will have to sacrifice something. She needs proof that she is worth that to you.
Think of something she wants that you have been resisting. Give it to her. Make sure she knows it is hard to do. Sometimes it can be as little as going to a "chick flick" that she wants to see. Time is more important than money. Remember that she needs reassurance that she is more important to you.
To her she needs to know that your baggage is part of you and you have already decided that you will keep it.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): I think you should get rid of the letters and the photos. What purpose does it serve hanging onto these things? You may not look at them often and you may not think about the girl so why hold onto a an old photo and letters from someone in the past. You say they don't effect you now, but of course they do! Those letters and photos are interfering with your present life. If they didn't exist, you would not be here talking about this!No one is telling you to forget your ex, but it is a little unfair that you want to hang on to her memory AND have a current girlfriend who is clearly upset by the whole situation. I think if you want to hang onto the letters you should let your gf go, so she can be with someone that is 100% devoted to her and not someone who is half in the past and half in the present. PS: I just read your update, and to be honest, I wouldn't move forward with you if I was you in your gf's position either. Why, don't you just hang onto a ghost and just shut out all the new experiences and happiness that your current partner could potentially bring into your life.
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (28 April 2010):
 It's not like you've built a shrine to the girl and have her photos prominently displayed. You've placed the photos and letters out of sight but in a place that is meaningful for you, and she needs to respect that. Although this girl wasn't The One, she was important to you and you are entitled to honor her memory any way you wish. Maybe your girlfriend doesn't understand that you don't get over death by throwing out all memories of the deceased as if they never existed.
Keep the photos and the letters. Put them someplace she can't access them if you want to, but there is no need to hide YOUR memories in an attic or lockbox so she can feel better. You have only been dating a few months so you don't need to prove anything to her; if she chooses to live in the shadow of a dead person, that's her business.
Have you asked her why she is so threatened by someone who is no longer alive?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): If she breaks up with you over her own insecurities, then you are better off. Believe me, it is rare and very special to still be a virgin at your age. I know it may feel embarassing, but you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to be ashamed of. I wish more people waited like you have. There would be way fewer "I'm 13 and pregnant, what do I do?" posts here. :)
One thing you could do is box up your momentos and store them. Tell her you got rid of them. She never needs to be the wiser. I don't usually advocate lies, but in this case it may solve your problems and really not harm anyone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): I am overwhelmed by the responses. I can't help but feel the need to defend her. She really is a very sweet girl and a genuinely good person. She isn't without fault though. She is dealing with some insecurity and I feel like she is being very irrational. I hope that she can understand what she means to me and how special that she is. I didn't think it was fair to anyone else until I was able to move on with my life. I haven't been with anyone in a long time. Only a brief relationship that went no where. I suppose I should have mentioned this before but I am still a virgin. My exgirlfriend wanted to wait and I respected that. It's weird calling her my exgirlfriend because I always called her by her name but I don't want to use any names on here. My current girlfriend has an issue with the fact that I cared so much for someone that I didn't even have sex with. I still feel the need to defend her. I'm telling everyone hear something bad about her but it can't eclipse all the good things about her. I am not getting rid of my picture or my letters from her. She is just going to have to understand. She is having a real bad issue here. I want to have sex with her but she doesn't want to yet. She says she wants to make sure I'm not thinking of her. I told her I was'nt. I am embarrassed that at my age I still a virgin. I'm really frustrated with her. She can't understand that I want my first time to be with her. I was embarrassed to even admit that. She is the only one that knows. That should tell her how much she means to me. This is really breaking my heart. I'm afraid that we might break up.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (28 April 2010):
 This girl you are dating has no business going through your stuff and that should be a red flag signal on what type of a girlfriend she would be. I don't think you should get rid of these items and this gal you have been dating for a couple of months should have no say in it. Now if you and this girl your dating become official and more formal than you might want to put it away in a diary like Chigirl mention or like QueenKatie said put in a fire box and put away. Do not get rid of it because you might regret it.
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A
female
reader, KRSMouse  +, writes (28 April 2010):
she is definitely wrong. if another girl was writing you love letters now, then that would be wrong, but it is common to keep things from an ex, especially given your situation. you are not holding onto them because you are not over her, but because they are precious memories, and the previous events in your life are what make you who you are now. i find it absurd that your girlfriend would get so jealous over someone who isnt even living anymore. definitely stand your ground on this one, explain to her that she was an important part of your past, which is why you have the pictures, but that your present and maybe future is with her, so she needs to drop the jealousy act now
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): tough call here. Normally I'm of the belief that all pics, letters, jewelry, etc from an ex should be gotten rid of when you enter a 'real committed' relationship. That being getting married, or engaged. Not before. But once you get engaged, or especially once you get married, all the old BF and GF stuff needs to be thrown out. The past is the past, but has no place being a rememberance.However, there are exceptions to my rule. The first being a divorced with kids situation, or a widowed situation. Although you aren't a widow since she was just your GF, not your wife. I think that exception applies. We can and should bury and forget the past ex's who were mistakes. But those past GF's and BF's who aren't in the picture anymore due to death deserve to be remembered. Same with divorced with kids. Those kids and the memories are there forever. This GF's pics aren't from someone you dumped or got dumped by and you should forget. This was a special situation that you may need time to get over, and don't need to forget. She isn't a threat to your new relationship. Stand firm.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (28 April 2010):
 She is wrong... BUT:
Are you truly over the incident? It's understandable if you are not, and it is ok. However, you have to be honest with yourself whether or not you are truly over this girl and what happened.
Keeping the picture and letters, and even going through them recently is a sign of possibly not being over the situation. You may not have been in love with her, but does a part of you still wonder what could have been and could you have loved each other?
No girl can nor should tell you to get rid of the picture and letters. A girl that cares about you should try to understand what you went through and accept that about you. But if there is any sign of that girl from your past still having a piece of you then she could see that.
If you have really moved on from all of this then you don't need to get rid of it. I'd bury it and just keep it in a safe place for HER sake, but looking back through it may not be the healthiest for you or any woman you are with in the future.
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A
female
reader, ChristineAvril +, writes (28 April 2010):
 NEVER get rid of them, you can not get them back once you do.
I promise you that if you do, you will surely regret doing it for the rest of your life.
Precious memories like these fade in your head despite your best efforts to retain them, so you will need your physical evidence in the future for your comfort and peace of mind.
Anyone reasonable will understand this and not object or be jealous.
You know in your heart that you NEED to keep them.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (28 April 2010):
Nope, you don't need to get rid of them. There is a new and disturbing trend among women to try to clean out their boyfriends baggage. It's not healthy. Without the past, we would not be what we are. If we were not what we are we would not be interesting to them.
Your girlfriend (current) is trying to get you to prove your loyalty, because she is unsure of you. You will have to find another way to reassure her. Hopefully time and your efforts will cure this.
In direct answer to your question, I've been married well over 20 years, and I still have letters from my first girlfriend. She stopped by my house last year with her husband. Did my wife feel threatened? Not even a tiny bit. Why should she? I have proven myself to be faithful. She is much more worried about new people in my life.
some main ideas as a summary:
- We are a combination of our past experiences. They can not be removed. Even if they could, it would make us, not us.
- A person can not be owned. We are things that act, not things that are acted upon.
- Your fidelity to an old friend, is an indicator of the fidelity you will have to a new friend, not a threat to the new union.
- Openness is essential to successful relationships. I was glad to see that you were not upset that she went through your things.
FA
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (28 April 2010):
 Hun, I really dont think you should get rid of her photo and the letters...... what happened to you was really traumatic and regardless, her memory will live on forever with you, especially in those final moments.
By keeping the photo and letters those are just memories, and if your current gf is asking you to get rid of them, well.... is it possible she is jealous of this deceased woman??
As Chigirl has suggested, perhaps a diary to keep all this stuff in - and keep the diary totally away from the gf.
Just maybe this new gf is far to young to understand???
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A
female
reader, ladyjaye +, writes (28 April 2010):
 this girl needs to resolve her own issues. its obvious she is jelous and for her to ask you to throw away those personal belongings is wrong... if she cant understand that you went through a traumatic experience then she cant be caring as you described. you mentioned that she already knew about the tradgedy so she shouldnt be acting this way.. ask her if she has ever recieved anything from an ex and if shes kept it... im sure she has. at the end of the day the relationship ended on tragic terms, there was no anamosity or bitterness and the girl is no longer with us. you were honest with her and if she cant handle it then its time you moved on. if she cared about you she wouldnt ask you to throw away those things that you care about. ask her if she would do the same if it was the other way around... i dont think this girl is for you... gud luck in your discision....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): I wouldn't get rid of them. They are a few small pieces of your past. How you deal with the present should be what concerns her. In my opinion she is wrong for asking you to get rid of them. It was also wrong of her to snoop through your stuff like she did. A few month old relationship doesn't give ANYONE the right to tell you how to change your life.
This sounds like a very traumatic event. I think it is best if you remember her like in that picture, not your final memory of the accident. I wish you the best. Like I said before, I wouldn't be able to get rid of that kind of momento. It isn't in my nature.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 April 2010):
 I dont think you should get rid of the pictures. I'd love to have pictures of friends of mine who are now dead, to remember them. I feel sorry that I dont, and that asking for pictures now would just be too weird, and I dont even know their families any longer or they have moved away. If you throw away the picture and letters you will regret it, because you can never have them back. I think though that you should place them somewhere she can't see. Like buy a diary. I know guys aren't huge about diaries, but I see this as similar to it. You are keeping the letters and picture as a memory to her, not because you are holding on. It sounds like you have come to terms with what happened, and after such a horrible event I think you are doing great to have come this far. But you should keep the picture, because it is a part of your past. And important to you.
Your new girlfriend however is feeling threatened by this dead girl. She probably feels that she can never live up to what you and her had together and is afraid that since she is always in your heart, you will compare the two of them. I think you need to talk to her about this and explain to her what your thoughts are around the death of your former girlfriend. You said this woman you date now is young, perhaps she is not mature enough to understand this. But don't leave the picture and letter out for her to read. They are your private belongings and you would be better off if you placed them somewhere safe, like in a diary. Hopefully, with time, your girlfriend will come to terms with this and understand.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): I think that this can be resolved by improving communication between you.Your girlfriend's response to the picture is really quite normal. She is probably worried that you still have feelings for your girlfriend, particularly as she was taken from the world at such a young age and in such tragic circumstances. She may have a little of 'dead wife syndrome' feeling that she can never live up to the idealized past. I don't think your girlfriend probably can comprehend what it was like for you to go through such a dreadful experience - it is not usual for people of your age to have to cope with something so terrible and she will not have points of reference to draw on. I understand why you want to keep the picture. It is a reminder of the past, and an act of respect to the dead. I think you are perfectly within your rights to refuse to throw it away.However, I wonder if there is a compromise position? Perhaps you can buy a lockable fireproof box - of the type that people use for storing documents at home. Get your girlfriend around and have a ceremony where you put all the mementoes of the past in there. Lock the box, and give your girlfriend the key. (This is important and symbolic. But those boxes can be broken into with a pair of rough pliers quite easily should your girlfriend break up with you and throw the key off the nearest bridge). Put it somewhere inaccessible, but where you know where it is - in a corner of the attic, for instance, or in a parent's or sibling's attic! It needs to be somewhere where you can access it if you want to in future, but also somewhere remote enough that it's not going to be a continual reminder of the past (the corner of your bedroom isn't good enough!) This way you get to keep the mementoes of the past, which is important, and your girlfriend will feel reassured that her views and wishes are being respected and that you are fully engaged with her in the present, which is also important. You also need to sit your girlfriend down and explain to her how much you love and care for her. Clearly, she is feeling insecure about the relationship! It can be difficult for women to run across pictures of the ex. And she has a right to be reassured that you are 100% with her in the present day.
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