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My girlfriend left, I want to fix it but she is ignoring me.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 April 2018) 10 Answers - (Newest, 16 April 2018)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My girlfriend of 12 years has just left me.

For the last 4 years we've lived together in our own place after a spell living with her family, we moved in shortly after my father passed away. I really struggled to deal with my father's passing. I had a troubled history with my father, he was not supportive and was often coercive and bullying. This has left me edgy and suspicious of peoples motives. As the people around me have never challenged my behaviour, I never sought the support I should. I blame only myself for this.

I took the grief of my father's passing out on my girlfriend. There was always tension because of it and more recently that has boiled over. I have developed serious emotional issues and I would react to our disagreements by escalating them or doing or saying awful things to her, though never violent I have smashed things of great importance to her.

A couple of days ago she left me leaving a note saying that she can't put up with it anymore. Her friends and family are ignoring me also.

I love her dearly. I know she loves me too. We've been together a long time and it's mostly been amazing but when it's been bad, it's been bad. I have caused her a lot of pain.

I am thoroughly ashamed of what I've done. I want to fix it but I can't now. Do you think somebody could forgive me in that situation? She won't speak to me at the moment,but I would do anything possible to get her back. I love her, I just have failed to show her. I am a pathetic man at the moment but know I can be the man she fell in love with again.

View related questions: fell in love, moved in, violent

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (16 April 2018):

You’re a violent bully. I’m glad she had the strength and courage to leave before you actually physically harmed her and you would have eventually. Leave her and her family alone.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 April 2018):

Even if you never laid a finger on her, you did a great deal of psychological-damage and destroyed things that she treasured.

A bad childhood is no excuse for abuse and cruelty. If we know we need help; but don't seek it for the people we love, you don't love them enough to change. You don't deserve them.

Leave her at peace. She is gone, and it is over. You can turn this into a positive by seeking professional-therapy.

You can't change the past, but you can change YOU! It's too late for her. Too often you don't know what you've got until it's gone. During your rages, you never stopped to consider the consequences. All I can say is, good for her!

She was your girlfriend far too long. At some point in a man's life; he has to make the woman who invests so much of herself and her love, his wife. If you can take that much of a chunk out of her life; you owed it to her to get help. You didn't. Instead, you took advantage of her loyalty and devotion.

Please leave her and her family alone.

You're still putting your own feelings and needs above hers. Right-now, she needs to be able to move on with as little trouble from you as possible. She has some healing to do.

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you'll get the necessary help; before making your way into the life of any other woman.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (16 April 2018):

N91 agony auntIt’s over, you have lost her.

You need to accept this, you have had 12 years to make her feel special and to want nothing but you and you have by your own admission mistreated her. Everyone has a breaking point no matter how much they love their partner and she’s hit hers.

You can’t blame her for walking out, why would she want that negativity and treatment in her life? You need to use this as an experience to learn and seek help for your troubles. You have messed up and you need to own it no matter how shitty it feels. Get the help you need and make sure you don’t make these same choices. If you love someone then show it, don’t bring them down and treat them like crap because you can’t keep your emotions in check, that’s not fair.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 April 2018):

Honeypie agony auntWork on yourself, OP

Now that you are single, you have all the time in the World to deal with your issues.

If you over the LAST 3 years mistreated, abused and hurt your GF (maybe not in a physical form but come on... EVERYONE has a limit and SHE reached hers) Then you can look at your OWN actions as to why she left. You can try as you might will all the excuses in the book to "explain" why you did it, but you HAVE to own your action.

You need to leave he alone. She is working on herself.

I don't think there is anything you can do to win her back. You went too far for too long. She isn't going to trust you EVER again. If she is smart.

So, you have two choices.

Stay the person you are (who resemble your dad and whom you resent) OR... find a therapist and DO the work to become a BETTER man. A better man who might find a NEW partner down the line. Right now? You have nothing to offer a woman as a partner.

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom + , writes (16 April 2018):

02DuszJ agony auntImagine if your daughter was with someone like this.. would you want her to get back with him? Or would you want the BEST for her??

Real love is selfless. She deserves better, you've already put her through 12 years of SHIT so if you truly love her let her move on and find someone she can live happily with who won't do crazy psycho things to fuck up her day.

And actually? I'd much rather have a black eye/ few bruises that disappear rather than having precious things close to my heart destroyed!

People are saying you haven't owned your actions because you HAVEN'T. Rather than thinking about the damage done to her, and redeeming yourself, getting therapy to prevent this behaviour, you're just thinking about how it's all affected YOU. Oh poor me, she left me- now that the shit has backfired on YOU you feel bad, now that YOU'RE in pain you're feeling remorse.. What about what's best for HER?

The answer is not you. Time to accept that your punishment is losing her. Actions have consequences and it's up to you to rectify your mistakes and redeem yourself. That means letting her move on and accepting what you've done like a man.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (16 April 2018):

Anonymous 123 agony auntYour ex girlfriend did something that she should have done years ago.

You cannot keep making mistakes and pretend to not know you are wrong...you are not a 2 year old child. You are completely aware of right and wrong and yet you chose to keep up with your filthy behaviour just because you could. Because it gave you a sense of power over someone who was helpless.

If you are suspicious of other people's motives then it's your problem, not theirs. That is absolutely no excuse to misbehave with anyone.

Please give her the peace of mind that she deserves and leave her alone. That is the least you can do for her at this stage.

I highly doubt that you're feeling bad for your behaviour. You're singing a different tune only because you've been dumped. Where was this self realization before you read the note telling you that it's over?

If I were her then I would file a restraining order against you.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (16 April 2018):

Aunty BimBim agony auntIt sounds as if you have been mistreating your girlfriend for at least three years .... three years of sustained abuse cannot be wiped with the application of a few (insincere) apologies. I agree with the previous answerer, you don't sound as if you own your bad behaviour, but are simply mouthing the words you think people want to hear, I'm sorry, I am pathetic, I didn't mean it, it wasn't my fault, I know I caused her pain.

You are blaming your now deceased father and people who failed to pull you up on your behaviour rather than take ownership yourself.

Who knows if she will speak with you again, on the face of it she would be a mug to take you back, I'm happy to read she has family and friends who are ready to support her through this.

I recommend you see a professional counsellor to help you deal with your outstanding issues with your father, and also to learn how to manage your anger.

Oh, and before I go, you say you were never violent, let me tell you this, if you broke things that were precious to her you were violent!

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A male reader, Allumeuse United Kingdom +, writes (16 April 2018):

I think if she is not contacting you, and is not responding to your attempts you should leave it. Do not contact her. I think you have had you chance to be a good man to her and if you love her as you say you do you should put her stove yourself and leave her alone.

Heal yourself alone. Your post indicates you haven't truly owned you behaviour. I think you need professional help. Others can help you see awful behaviour but you are a grown man- you should have enough wherewithal to see for yourself. You were abusing her with fear of you furious outbursts. You can't come back from that. Heal yourself alone and vow to be a better man.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2018):

"though never violent I have smashed things of great importance to her."

OMG

Folks, he thinks that he's not violent.

Extraordinary!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2018):

Same old same old Mr! You men always want back what you rejected so callously!

Smashing Her things up... Wowee. So you have a need to be violent? (So typical)... Just terrible.

She should have got out years ago! How long until you smash her up - you bully!

Let her go.

Sort out your temper tantrums and issues, which will take time and if you are genuinely a sorry man you would tell her this and you would;

Let her go.

God is with women like this more than you can imagine, so

Let her go.

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