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He compliments others and insults me.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 April 2018) 9 Answers - (Newest, 17 April 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My partner of many years verbally attacked me for the things I do to 'beautify' myself such as have hair nails and skin appointments etc done . I have never had cosmetic surgery and am not going to. He says I'm insecure and he wants someone who is confident. I'm extremely insulted as I feel he is happy to look may other women who have loads of work done and compliment them yet here he is insulting me telling me the fact I get this done makes me unattractive and insecure.

Money is not an issue ad he doesn't have to pay for any of this . We don't live together and keep finances seperate. My sister also works in the industry so that is not an issue

We are engaged and I'm considering calling it off as it seems he is not happy with my looks

View related questions: engaged, insecure

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 April 2018):

Honeypie agony auntTaking care of yourself, SELF-CARE can definitely include getting hair and nails done.

I know MANY women who enjoys that. And I know some who can't be bothered, they have "other" SELF-CARE regiments.

I think if getting hair, nails, skin whatnot, makes you feel part of YOUR SELF-CARE regiment, then you do you!

If your partner thinks it shows insecurity in you, it's because he doesn't understand that we ALL enjoy a little pampering. That wanting to look put together is normal for most. So go to the gym, some go tanning, so get their nails done... etc.

Even IF you did this often, it doesn't mean you are insecure or vain. We all have our routines. Those are part of yours.

But like I said in my first answer, it's a typical manipulation thing some (especially men) use to make their partner think SHE can't do better than him. Or she can't find someone else. That she isn't "good" enough.

Now if you gave up the getting hair done and nails done, he would probably let you know that you are letting yourself go...

Same manipulation game... the whole " you are lucky I'm with you because no one else would have you"...

Which really shows HIS insecurities. Because he is worried YOU might find a "higher quality" guy due to you taking care of yourself and your looks. And you being comfortable with who you are.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2018):

Thanks everyone although I'm not sure why one responded wiseoldowl cpmmemted that I'm spending all my money on vanity and musntnlole myself

This is exactly the attitude of my partner and completely false . Firstly I don't spend a lot of money on those things at all as i pointed out . Also I don't see women's grooming habits and looking nice as vanity at all and most importantly o like myself quite a lot . I don't need to have my hair or nails done , I enjoy having them done , there's a big difference

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (16 April 2018):

mystiquek agony auntI am in your age category. I wouldn't want a partner like yours. A partner should build you up, bring you joy, not make you feel sad and insecure. End the engagement and walk away. You deserve better.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 April 2018):

Call it off. He's insensitive. Now stop and think. You wrote a post about a man who destroys your self-esteem. You're engaged to that man.

Why?

It will only get worse. You're not getting younger; and spending all your money for the sake of vanity means you don't really like yourself. You worry how others see and perceive you. You work to build your self-esteem and image; while he tears it down.

Why would you marry someone like that? What's there to love in someone who talks to you in such a way? Do you need to get married so bad; you'll settle for a total dick just to be married?

My dear, being over 40 doesn't mean you have to settle for the bottom of the pile. Life is too short to toss it away on living with people who rip us to pieces for the sport of it.

Would a man with a kind and generous heart speak to you like that?

He wants someone more confident? So he's telling you to your face you're not good enough! I'd tell him to take his tiny pecker and go find her!

Come on, you know you deserve better than that. You have to be appreciated from the inside and out. It starts with you loving you first!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (16 April 2018):

N91 agony auntWhy are you still with him?

He sounds like an asshole and marrying him won’t make things any better. You’re wasting your time with someone dragging you down when you could be spending it with someone who has nothing but positivity to be spread.

Life’s too short to waste it on assholes.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 April 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI would end it and walk away.

He is using the common manipulation trick of tearing you down so you will think that no one will want you (except him) and then you end up as his personal verbal punching bag.

A partner is supposed to add to your life. He should encourage you and support you - not tear you down.

And OP, HE is the one that is insecure here, I think.

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom + , writes (16 April 2018):

02DuszJ agony auntHe is clearly attracted to the fake glamour girl look, this is not about him having some moral objection to it- seems like his only real *principle* is to make YOU feel bad about yourself.

A guy that puts you down is a MAJOR RED FLAG. A guy that compares you to others and makes you feel not as good as those he compares you to (not good enough in general) is a DEAL BREAKER.

That's not the behaviour of a good, caring man. It's the behaviour of a controlling nasty guy. He doesn't love you or he wouldn't need to make YOU feel bad to make himself feel good.

I'd screw the couples counselling.. seems like he makes you more unhappy than happy right?

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (16 April 2018):

Aunty BimBim agony auntMaybe a few counselling sessions are in order before you make your final decision, there must have been a spark of something there for you to agree to marry him.

If he refuses, or if, after a few sessions, he doesn't seem to be able to "get it" then yes, consider your options. You are still young with probably another 40 years left, why would you commit to 40 years with somebody who treats you like that.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2018):

he seems very shallow.

If he doesn't like how you look, what the heck is he doing with you? Why is he joining his body to someone he calls insecure? How hateful of him!

If he wants woman not to wear makeup or have her nails done, then he should go into (say) Debenhams and trash up the make up isle or stand outside the nail bars and carry banners saying "No more fake nails, no more sharpened talons".

But he won't do that, because...

he looks at a woman with lust in his eyes and a stirring in his loins who isn't his fiancé, who has breast implants and red botoxed lips.

Us woman can't win with a man like that because he's a loser.

This man sounds nasty and mad. he doesn't sound like a fair or loving man.

he's a narcissist.

I know what I'd do.

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