A
male
age
18-21,
Andy00
writes:Hello. it's Andy, and I'm not happy..Tonight I finally checked my ex's profile on her facebook, after not doing so for some time. Turns out. she's going out with a guy who she used to go to college with. I'm a little taken back by this. What's worse is, there isn't a thing I can do about it, and I think at this time it would be wrong of me to talk to her about it since her Father died last week. (Well, I say "think" I'd say it's pretty obvious.)No sooner had I seen that, the thoughts of him with his hands all over her filled me with rage. I'm quite upset just now as you can tell.We were in a long distance relationship of 240 miles for 2 years. She ended things 6 months ago because of distance, so she claims, and now she's walked into a relationship similar to what she had with me (granted, circumstances have eased very much. There is only about 80 miles between them, but she isn't living in her hometown anymore). What's worse is she never once mentioned it after we've spoken the past few days. She waited for me to find out about it on facebook.Forgive me for sounding bitter, but I can't help but wonder if they've slept together yet. Christ sake. Here's me with nobody in the world, and she's up there with some... nobody, and is probably all over him. It feels like I've been cheated on in some ways. She knew him while she was with me, after all, and now I've gone, he's jumped right in. That guy will NEVER, EVER, EVER love her like I loved her. He can only dream..Again, I ask you to forgive me. I have JUST found out. I don't know where I go from here, and I don't know if/how I should address it with her. I wasn't ready for this, and it's come along and kicked me right in the mouth. This sucks.Please help. And please, please don't simply tell me to calm down, because I'm going to bed very soon, so chances are I'll feel a little better in the morning. Thanks very much.
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facebook, long distance, my ex Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): Say bey to her find someone else. If she fealy loves you she would be with you no matter waht. Distance should not be a problem for love.
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reader, chlez83  +, writes (2 January 2008):
It's good to hear there's been progress.I've been busy sorting out my personal life.I knew there was a way round this and all that was required is patience and perseverance.I really wasn't asking you to search the whole town for her but to relax and think more clearly and be patient.I really wana ask you a few questions.What are your plans if the girl is into you too?What if she just wants you as a friend,how will you take it?What if you learn she's seriously dating sum1?
Letaz
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reader, Andy00 + ♥, writes (23 December 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the support, Maddie. I don't want you to think that this persons words are hurting me. I'll admit, at first they brought on a little anger, but I have no interest in taking his bitter words to heart. Thanks again :)
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reader, maddierose  +, writes (23 December 2007):
 OH MY GOD!!! and another thing mr anonymous who doesnt even have the guts to post as himself. how dare you say that he may have a mental illness. you proberly dont know what the hell your on about!!! mental illness is serious and that fact that you are using the term so filppantly means you cannot understand the severity of your accusation. i suggest you think twise before mentioning mental illness again, at first i just thought you were just arrogant but now i beleive you are ignorant AND arogant.
Andy i honestly feel for you due to the hurtful things that this person has said to you.
Bye.. (again lol)
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reader, maddierose +, writes (23 December 2007):
oh my god that horrible thing that the other person wrote was not advice it was down right mean. and this site isnt for horrible people to say harsh stuff to people in need of advice. i understand why you were upset and the person who that inconciderate comment must not have any empathy for someone that felt the way you did when you wrote that comment. people come on here in need of advice not for someone to be horrible about them..
"you're needy, desperate, impatient, egotistical, irrational, and seem to think that getting a g.f. is the only thing that matters in this world to you. When a woman says "it's not you" in your case I really think that it IS you. WHo would want to date someone so self-centered?"
that was not in the slightest bit helpful, did you ever thing mr anonymous that Andy might be hurting inside and the last bloody thing he needs is you making hm feel worse about himself. it makes me angry when people act as if they have no feelings at all.
Andy, don't listen to people when they say it is your fault and that you are a bad person. you are clearly a caring person and have very sensitive feelings, which can be an extremely positive thing.
good luck andy. i will be thinking of you =)
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reader, Andy00 + ♥, writes (23 December 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHmmm, you're back again. Listen, your "advice" is unwanted by me. I find it very inconsiderate, as do others as you can see. On top of that, you clearly do not understand what I mean when I say "stay the fuck away".
I wonder what you are like in real life. If you think that the best way is to be firm with people. When somebody you know dies, and their widow is grieving, I wonder if you would tell them to shut up, because there's nothing they can do about it, or something to that effect.
As for being irrational: I was not. I considered that I may have entered the number wrong on my phone, which was a possibility, as we had been drinking that evening. As for being "desperate" and "needy": I wasn't. I called her friends up to arrange meeting up with them all sometime, which will will be doing after Christmas. As for being unrealistic (HA!): Again, I wasn't! She HAS lost her phone. I have no reason to believe otherwise. I tried ringing it before, it rang and rang and I got no answer. Other days when I tried, her battery had obviously died as it went straight to her answer phone, as it will any time I try her in future.
You say she can check her messages from another phone... How? I can't do that with my phone, as far as I'm aware. In any case this is irrelevant. For all you know, she could have had one of those really big mobile phones from the 80's. You don't know her, and you don't know me (clearly), so I'm going to close this message in a moment, asking you again to go away.
You are obviously one of the worst agony uncle on this website. I however am rated highly on this site, so this eliminates your point about "mental illnesses" as I have proven I have a level head. I'm rated highly because I'm not like you: You are cruel, uncaring, and show no respect for other people and their feelings. You piss and moan about what I'm like as a person, well let me tell you I thank god I have more decency than you do.
Now, show some maturity and respect, and do not post on here again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): The answer didn't "slip by the moderators" If you haven't noticed, a lot of people's answers on here are ridiculing. It's my opinion and just because you don't like it doesn't mean that it should not be posted. If more people were honest like me, you probably wouldn't be posting every detail of your life on here, because these few people keep eating all of this up & sugar coating their answers for you are what keeps you coming back. Anyways, an example of how I said you were irrational: you think that you had the wrong number because the girl wasn't calling you back. And example of me calling you desperate & needy: you call her friend to see why she hasn't called you back. An example of you being unrealistic: you actually believe that the reason she has not called you is because she lost her phone. Aren't you aware that she can check her messages from another phone, and if she really wanted to talk to you, she'd have called you from another phone. That is "if" she lost it. And I am betting that's a front. I think you have some kind of mental condition, but I really don't know which one. I think you should get evaluated though.
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reader, Andy00 + ♥, writes (22 December 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everybody, an update, and you won't believe it.
I rang a friend of this girl I met last week to arrange meeting up again "sometime". I also managed to say that I have struggled to contact the girl, and she explained that she's lost her phone! Unbelievable! So that may be the only reason why I've had no contact from her. I'm interested in finding a way of meeting up with her again, and atleast I know now that I wasn't being avoided, just simply unheard.
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reader, Andy00 + ♥, writes (22 December 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your support. I'm thinking that answer slipped through the moderators. And Chlez, I know I can be emotional at times, but I hope you see my reasons for an answer like that to bug me.
Anyway, I'm going to try and contact this girls friend tomorrow and make sure I have her number right. I'm starting to think I've got the wrong number. I'll be as casual as I can be, and if it turns out I was given the right number but I'm being ignored, I'll just laugh it off. There's no point letting this whole thing feel like a big deal, cos if all else fails, I had a fun night!
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reader, chlez83 +, writes (21 December 2007):
We are here to help and not compound someone's problem.We all have choice on which posts to reply to and are not compelled to answer any.Hence,if one has a problem with any post the best thing to do is avoid it.I can't claim to reply to every post on this website.Who can?I dare you.In that respect we need to understand that we are helping people solve their problems.We need to put ourselves in their shoes and not just look at it from our perspective.
In as much as i've also advised you to be patient,i also seek to suggest solutions.Let not there be wrangles here.It defeats the whole purpose of being here.
Andy please don't get so emotional it really doesn't help you at all.
Take care
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reader, Samutsen  +, writes (21 December 2007):
 I support Andy
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reader, Andy00 + ♥, writes (21 December 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHa... That wasn't very brief after all. Worth it though.
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reader, Andy00 + ♥, writes (21 December 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I must say it's a real pity. I was just about to post a rant about this recent "answer", but the page has somehow refreshed itself, and I lost it all. So, I'll be brief:
There is so much about that "answer" that I consider to be, and I don't say stuff like this on this site very often; bullshit. Total bullshit.
You talk about my ex leaving me, when you know nothing of what things were like when we were together. I was a different person back then. Nothing confused me, I never needed to analyze things. Things were just simple and great. You seem to think I had all these things against my name when I was a happier person. Your assumptions do you no favors. You even talk about me being "Self centered" and I don't know where you get off calling me that. Once again, when I was with my ex, I used to put her needs before my own most of the time, and do anything in my power to make her happy... Self centered?? You're having a laugh...
You even talk about how "People's lives don't revolve around you", as if it's something I don't already know. My guess is that you think that I think I could control my ex's life... I'll be blunt, I think you're a fool. There is a huge difference from wanting to change something/someone and wanting to control something/someone, and I think you've got it back-to-front.
I must comment on when you said "It's getting old now". How did you get here exactly? Were you forced here? Did your browser malfunction? Were you hacked? OR, and this is the horse I'm betting on, did you use your mouse? IF THIS BUGS YOU SO DAMN MUCH THEN WHY DON'T YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY?? You have that option, instead you've just come here to criticize me as a person.
I just don't get you at all. Don't you understand that I am inexperienced in MANY aspects of dating? I'm 19 years old, mate, and I've only ever been in one relationship which was long distance! You criticize me for not coping well with what heartbreak has brought me (and all people are different and cope differently, I'm told), and for not knowing how to be when trying to start off a relationship. That's amazing. Why don't you go round your neighbors house and give their baby a lecture about not being able to walk yet?
You've portrait me pretty badly in your post, and I really don't appreciate it. I may appear bad in your eyes, but all I know is; I have been able to secure a group of friends over all my social years. I have been able to get on well with virtually every person I know in my life today. I have been able to build a strong, loving commitment with a girl 200+ miles away and made it work for over 2 years. I have been able to show that girl last week that I am a nice, respectful guy. I quite like me as a person. I'm not perfect by ANY means, but I do my best to be kind to people in all walks of life... But it's people like you who make it difficult. You try my patience, you really do.
What's worse is that you make it sound that I shouldn't react angrily to your message. You make it sound like I should turn around and say "Hey, you know what? I guess he's right, I am bit of a bastard". You're dead wrong. You've declared that you don't think that I am a good person to date, so I think you must be pretty lost in the head to think that I wouldn't defend myself against talk like that.
So, as I said above; This page isn't really some place you HAVE to come to. It isn't hurting you in any way, so in future, I suggest you stay out of my business. And that's all I have to say to you.
So, after all this, I would like to know what the fellow aunts think to this anonymous post. And this is the time where I must say: I don't like to be messed about with. I believe in being honest with people, and if people agree with this poster, I would much rather have it said than have it left alone. I'd like to believe that people would have enough respect for me as a person to tell me what they think, safe in the knowledge that I would do the same if it were them. On the other hand, if there are any of you who disagree with how this anonymous person has approached me this evening, it would be encouraging to hear how you feel.
I think I should close by saying: I'm not perfect, I'm just trying to be a good guy. If having somebody you love dearly walk out of your life is not a time for your lesser qualities to surface, then I don't know what is. I'm inexperienced in love, and I'm just wanting to learn. Thank-you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): I'm going to say this and I really think that everyone else will agree with me, although they won't say it because they feel sorry for you. I think the reason your ex left you, and the reason this new girl hasn't contacted you is because you're needy, desperate, impatient, egotistical, irrational, and seem to think that getting a g.f. is the only thing that matters in this world to you. When a woman says "it's not you" in your case I really think that it IS you. WHo would want to date someone so self-centered? People's lives don't revolve around you. She didn't call you, accept the fact that she doesn't want to talk to you again & move the hell on already. It's getting really old. Do you think it really matters what day of the week you call her again? You've already tried and she had ignored you so call her any day of the week, it won't make a difference. Your way of thinking is very illogical. You need to work on yourself before trying to get into a relationship. However the type of person that you are, you won't because you see nothing wrong with yourself. And I am sure you'll just get mad at this post. Go ahead, you aren't heleping yourself out by being ignorant to facts.
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reader, Andy00 + ♥, writes (19 December 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionListen, I know I may not be the most patient guy, but all this isn't something I've lost sleep over. It just got a little bit frustrating for me, because I was asking for advice about what to do, and everytime I got an answer, it didn't really have anything to do with what I should do about her. However, nobody had to post anything at all, in which case, I'm grateful to have received answers.
I think you're right, r+b2. Thinking about it, I think that is what I said on the phone. I guess i got a bit hung up over not hearing back from her initially. I'll give her a call today, asking if she'd like to attend my performance on Thursday, and then maybe we could go out when it's finished for food or something. Also, I will take Chlez's advice in keeping all my options open with other girls.
I'll let you know how it goes.
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reader, chlez83 +, writes (19 December 2007):
First of all how are you? I must say i'm amazed at your ability to lose faith.Do you believe you can date a really hot chik e.g a super model?I really think you lack patience when things are not going your way.Perseverance and patience is the name of the game.You haven't heard from her even today.Are you gonna add another day of waiting?I'm sure the anxiety is eating you up.Go out and have some fun and try hard not to think about her(the girl you met).Probably meeting other girls will keep your mind off her for a while but ofcourse if you can't stand the waiting call her again,even if it means leaving a message.Keep it that way about your ex.Keep yourself busy!
Be good dude.
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reader, rhythmandblues2  + ♥, writes (19 December 2007):
 Hi Andy,
Do I have this straigt, you made out with this girl one night, she gave you her phone number, so the following day you sent her a text, then you left a message saying you would be calling her later in the week to set something up...even though your text asked her to call you, you canceled that out with your voice mail, telling her that you were going to call.
We women expect you men to take the lead in setting the pace for dating, because we know most men don't like receiving our calls when they don't know us very well...you said you would call her, now call her and ask for that date.
If you get her voice mail, leave her a short messasge, Hi, this is Andy, guess we are playing phone tag, but please call me bact at xxxxz.
Be sure and have something planned to do, don't leave it up to her on the first date.
Good Luck.
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reader, Andy00 + ♥, writes (18 December 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's wonderful, Samutsen. Hopefully it'll stay that way... I have my doubts, but I'll do my best.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE SUGGEST SOMETHING ABOUT THIS NEW GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!
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reader, Samutsen +, writes (18 December 2007):
Andy
isnt it good that we are not talking about your ex anymore.
:)
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reader, Andy00 + ♥, writes (18 December 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeh, cheers Richard, but I know that would make me look desperate, and that's my point, I don't want to look desperate, because as you said, that's not a good image.
That's a good idea about setting a "target" so to speak, and it's something I'll maybe take on. But what about this girl?? I'm starting to think everyone is thinking I should do nothing, and if so; SAY!! I don't want to have to assume something, so tell me straight! Thank-you! :)
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reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (18 December 2007):
 The reason that would make you look desperate is because you are desperate. You don't want to look desperate - it's not a good image. To stop being desperate you need to spread the risk, increase the chances. Talk to more females, get more phone numbers. It's simple. By New Years Day you should have asked at least ten girls for a phone number minimum or better still a date. If you ask ten, you will have had eight rejections which is good because that means you have two successes. Start the New Year off with two casual girlfirends.
Richard
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reader, Andy00 + ♥, writes (18 December 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did expect her to contact me because she seemed like she enjoyed her night, but the fact is she hasn't. I don't know what I'm expected to do now. I've tried to contact her the only way I can, and she isn't responding. What else can I do? Go into College when I don't have to, just to see if there's a chance I'll bump into her? That would make me look desperate!!
I see it that the only thing I can do is call her. I have tried that already and it hasn't worked, so should I try again today, or tomorrow? Somebody please suggest something!
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reader, chlez83 +, writes (18 December 2007):
Look at it as a puzzle you have to solve.If you are so into her,then you should be after her."where there's a will there's a way".If you think chances of seeing her are next to zero,why are you still trying to contact her? Isn't it because you wana see her again?I personally love challenges and i see you are faced with one.Let me ask you,do you expect her to call you?
Talk
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reader, Andy00 + ♥, writes (17 December 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChlez83, I appreciate your help, so please don't think it rude of me when I ask: How do you propose I meet up with her when I have heard nothing from her when I've tried to contact her, and thus, don't know where to find her?
Back to everyone: referring to what I asked before; When should I contact her? Today? tomorrow? Later in the week? Please advise.
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reader, chlez83 +, writes (17 December 2007):
U know what one thing about being a man is to be in control.I often feel that way when i'm texting my girlfriend and end up snapping at her but that doesn't help at all.You are really not the patient type,so i've seen.Why don't you visit her more and talk in person so you can know what she really thinks.As for your ex,keep it up!
Good luck.
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reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (17 December 2007):
Hmmm - Here is range of responses I get from my beautiful daughter who is 17, when I ask why she didn't reply to my texts: (1)Forgot to charge it. (2) Topped up yesterday but its gone. (3) I think I left it in the taxi (4) I lent my friend my phone because she had no credit. Now I've got no credit. (5) I've left my phone at someones house. (6) I'm trying to save my credit, why didn't you ring me? (7) The shampoo in my bag has leaked all over my phone, I don't know why it doesn't work. (8) Dad I think I need a new phone.
Could be a reason in there somewhere
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reader, Andy00 + ♥, writes (17 December 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the recent answers, everybody. I made it through yesterday without contact, so that's a step forward. I just wonder how long I wait to try again. A few of you have suggested different days of the week, so I'd love to know which day you think would be best.
Also, to clarify: Her phone DID ring when I called her. However, the call was made off of my house phone, because I too am low on credit, and calls made from my house phone is notoriously bad for appearing as "Private number" on the receiving persons phone. I can't tell you how many times that happened whenever I called my ex-girlfriend. Also, I didn't give her my house number in the first place, so even if it didn't come up as a private number, it would have still come up as a number she didn't recognize. So, fortunately, I still have reasons to believe she didn't avoid the call because it was me. But that doesn't explain why she hasn't responded to either my text, or my answer message.
So, what does everyone think to that? Am I in denial? Also, what day do I try to contact her again?
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reader, chlez83 +, writes (17 December 2007):
My goodness,relax your nerves.You really have little amounts of patience in your system,heh?Call her more.Some girls don't like texting alot and prefer being called.It's good that you are no longer drooling over your ex but be more patient and don't make it seem that you are desperate to jump into her pants though we both know that's where you wana end up.Just be careful bcoz when the feelings start to fade someone will be crying.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): Did it go straight to her voicemail, or did it ring first? Remember that females can be like men sometimes, and she may have just wanted it to be a 1 nighter. However, I'd still call her later in the week, try Thursday..If you don't hear back from her after that atempt, then I think you got your answer. But it could be the low credit issue in that case I'm afraid you have no choice but to wait.
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reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (15 December 2007):
Hey Andy - there's too much focus on one person. Go out and get some more phone numbers! Set yourself challenge of getting two phone numbers next time you're out. And two more the next time. They don't have to be potential 'life partners,' just girls you could be friends with. Don't be frightened of rejection. Just take the view that if you try talk to five, you get four rejections. Doesn't matter, they might have partner or hate the look of you.
Rhythmandblues ..... Well I would love to phone you and hear your voice and I would if I had your number! We have some contrasting views in some areas, so that would be fun. I think we'd be OK on music though.
Richard
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reader, Andy00 + ♥, writes (15 December 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm thinking I won't contact her until later in the week, after all this nonsense. I just wonder how I can get in touch with her. I would normally just try and find her in College, but I'm finished until the new year now, so I have no reason around her for being in.
I'm thinking I'll call her Monday/Tuesday and asks if she wants to get a bite to eat.
...Good idea?
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reader, Andy00 + ♥, writes (15 December 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeh, I guess I am a bit sensitive at times, but I think that just comes across as I'm a little over-dramatic also.
I'm really getting annoyed at myself now, cos I've just done something as equally stupid as sending that text. I tried to call her mobile, but I could only get her answer phone, and then do you know what I did? I left a message. What an idiot.
I was quite brief, and simply said why I was calling; "I sent a text earlier, and after I sent it I remembered you were low on credit, so I thought I'd give you a call and see how you're doing, and see about maybe arranging something later in the week." So, as I say it was quite brief, but I just feel like an idiot. I should have just hung up since I wasn't gonna be able to talk to her.
What do I do now?? I'm really not enjoying this waiting game.
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reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (15 December 2007):
Ok Andy,
You are really sensitive, I don't think you did anything wrong by texting her, I merely am speaking from my point of view that phone calls are much more personal and show you are truly interested, anyone can send you a text and be avoidant of a real exchange...it is sort of off putting to me anyway...I don't think if you call her on Monday it is appearing too hasty, most women would take that as a compliment that you are very intersted and want to plan a date in advance so she will go.
Also, Andy, you are going to have to expect that you will get rejected probably more than anything else when you are out there mixing it up with the ladies, this doesn't mean you are not a great guy, we women have to kiss a lot of frogs before we find our prince, and that is why love is so special, it is not all that easy to find...and it takes time, for now since you are still on the rebound, don't get too involved with any one girl, let them know you aren't ready to have a relationship just yet, but you would like to be friends and have some fun.
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reader, Andy00 + ♥, writes (15 December 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's an excellent idea, rythmandblues2. I am starting to regret sending that text. It seemed like such a good at the time. Perhaps now if I hear nothing and call her Monday, it will make her think I'm being too hasty. Grrr! Is there any way around this? Is there anything I can say in that phone call if I make it, that won't make me sound like a desperate, love-struck fool?
What a stupid situation I've put myself in!! It's maybe not as bad as I think, but I really feel like I've thrown myself into an unnecessary hole.
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reader, Samutsen +, writes (15 December 2007):
Patience and moderation Andy.
You wont like to scare the ladies off by hasty moves...
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reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (15 December 2007):
Hi Andy,
I personally hate text messaging for the very reason you mentioned, you get nervous when you don't get a response, it is also unreliable technology, who knows she may have not gotten your text.
I of course am old, and I would much rather have a man phone me and speak to me than send me a text or e-mail as it is hard to know what is meant without tone of voice to go by....
I think it would be better for you to make the next move instead of her....give her a call maybe Monday and ask her out on a proper date for the weekend....don't act too eager as she may think she already has you wrapped....just be yourself and keep things light and fun.
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reader, Andy00 + ♥, writes (15 December 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's so encouraging to know that I have you guys looking out for my best interest. Even more so, now that the chances of me feeling b |
