A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend broke up around about 3 weeks ago due to him cheating on me. He's cheated on me multiple times, and now I've had enough, we broke up and ended and the break up has been challenging to say the least. Now you see..I made abit of a mistake. I ended up getting drunk, and I slept with a friend of mine. Me and this friend decided to kind of keep it a secret, but basically my ex has now found out that I have slept with someone else and all hell is breaking lose. He's trying to find out who it is, hes made out that i'm in the wrong and well yeah, I feel really bad about it now and i'm not too sure why. He cheated on me however, and its been speculated that he is also sleeping with other girls and I have been told by numerous people that days within us breaking up he had been asking girls for pictures etc. So now I basically feel bad, and I feel like a whore, and I just feel like I've done something wrong, and yes it is because I still have feelings for him, but I want to know am I in the wrong? He didn't want me, and he cheated, and I slept with someone else, so do I deserve to feel bad? I just want to know others opinions thankyou.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 June 2013):
 Excuses excuses.
There is no need, no need at all, for you to see this guy again in person. You can send his T-shirts to his parents' , or his friends ', address ( since you don't know where he lives ?! ), or you can have him come and get his stuff from your mom or another family member, not you.
Or, you can chuck them in the garbage bin, not very morally correct, I agree, but it would serve him well for being such an abusive jerk.
What, is he going to kill himself ..if he can't get his T-shirts back ? Not even if they were limited edition Armani T- shirts ,lol. Or , is he going to kill himself if he can't say " adieu forever "in person.. ?
Oh please. You don't really believe that, do you, even at your young age.
I think you want to see him again to engineer some emotionalTreconciliation or at least to stir up some unnnecessary drama, with teary goodbyes and I love yous...
Absolutely superflous. When you kick someone to the curb- you just kick him to the curb : short, simple, neat, no frills.
You say you are not weak, show it by your ACTIONS. Talking the talk is easy, then you have to walk the walk.
A
female
reader, Agneta  +, writes (27 June 2013):
 I don't like how this guy sound at all. This is not ok and might be a very dangerous situation for you. Just throw his stuff away and do not under any circumstances go meet him. Not ever again!
And tell your parents and/or another adult in your school about what this guy is doing to you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (27 June 2013):
 Listen, I think you've gotten to the point where you need to involve your parents, because him calling people and railing about you *is* stalking behavior. He's invading your friends' lives to defame you.
You don't have to mention the one night stand to your parents (I was in error in my last post -- I didn't notice your age. You should steer clear of alcohol for a couple more years, especially if it involves another guy!).
His threatening to kill himself is manipulative behavior designed to control your emotional responses for his own purposes. Do not fall for it. In fact, if he says something like that, ask him if he truly is a danger to himself, and if he is, you are lawfully bound to call the authorities and the emergency line to report him as such. Calling his bluff I think would be easy.
His drug use is also concerning, and in my opinion a big reason you need your parents now. I'm glad you're not meeting him anymore. Do not meet him again. Do not take his calls, and that's the end of it. He's playing the whole "help me to understand" card as his way of trying to keep contact with you, and it's working.
He's not doing this out of love for you, though he is a manipulator who is tugging your sense of guilt at "hurting" him. He's doing this out of ego, which is the same reason why he cheated on you. He has low self-esteem, needed the affections of other girls while he was with you, and is going crazy that you finally kicked him to the curb.
None of that matters now. He needs to be gone. No contact. If he starts infringing on your space, get a sheriff (or UK equivalent) and go WITH that officer to a place where the exchange can be made. You don't know where he lives? Again, red flags written all over it. Can you not Google search him, find his address (or his parents') and mail it back to him?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 June 2013):
I'd skip the meet up.
You owe him NADA, nothing, zippo, zero.
I'm still amazed that you don't know where he lives.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 June 2013):
 This is not a time to project your needs onto him, just because you had felt suicidal before. Douchebags always use depression or whatever disorder/addiction to get away with bad behavior, or to gain sympathy from you. If he doesn't get you back, at least he has bits of your attention, which is better than nothing. He just wants the satisfaction that you still care about him, that he still occupies space in your mind. He wants to see the look on your face which says you feel bad about the whole thing. Don't give him that because he doesn't deserve any.
He didn't get the shirts from his friends because he wants to make sure he sees you face to face, so he gets the last word. It could mean that he's not really interested in the shirts as using them to get a hold of you. I wonder are they expensive shirts? What I would do is mail them to his parents and tell them you will not bother them ever again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI might be a lot of things but i'm not weak :L So don't say stuff like that thanks.
And yeah..I guess that it doesn't make sense does it.
We have talked, and i'm not seeing him now. I will give him his t-shirts and then he's leaving. He's not coming in.
We aren't even going to speak. Problem solved.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 June 2013):
The cheater needs help in letting go?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2013): Gosh you are weak! He has no right to see you. He is disgusting and you will be too if you go and noone will care what happens to you if you do go.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 June 2013):
You don't know where your ex-boyfriend lives? Wow. Just wow. So you are trying to appease this guy, who slags you off to friends and stalks you and harasses you and you don't even know where he lives?
That's just wrong.
So take the shirts and donate them to charity. He chose to keep his details from you.
He's abusive.
He is a cheater.
He is shaping up to be a stalker/harasser/major problem.
Girl.
Snap.
Out
of
It
You
don't
owe
him
anything.
He is your EX.
Boundaries.
Boundaries.
Tell your parents that you are having some problems with enforcing boundaries and with this EX.
You need more help, okay?
Be brave, show courage, tell your parents.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know that FWB's and one night stands are not good for my ages, as i'm not emotionally ready for them or mature enough. This was a mistake and its the first time I've even done it in my life. Despite what people think, i'm not going to fall back into his hands, I have more strength and will power for that. I know that it would damage myself more and will like you have said, end in the same cycle and i'm tired of getting hurt, by the same douchebags over and over again. I am a softie however, I am a mug. I worry for people being suicidal or turning to drugs, and I feel as I've been in the suicidal stage before, I can perhaps try and help or console others no matter whats gone on between us. I have sat and thought that maybe this is an elaborate trap but I struggle to understand why someone would say that. I've text him saying that I don't think he should come in tomorrow, and I think maybe someone else in my house hold should give him his t-shirts. I have come far in getting over him, and I do not want to jeopardize it, even though this was mainly for his benefit as he felt it would help him let go.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2013): Having rebound sex with a mutual friend represents questionable judgment at any age, but that you are engaging in such behavior at age 16-17 is alarming.Did you insist he use a condom? If not then you took a foolish risk that hopefully won't become a mistake that you'll regret for the rest of your life. I can only hope he didn't give you an STD or [impregnate you] as you are not remotely ready, prepared or capable of raising {a baby].BF is a controlling, abusive jerk and his only reason for wanting to "talk" is so he can weasel his way back into your affections so he can get you back under his thumb, which is exactly he where wants you. He's using one of the oldest lines in the controlling abusive boyfriend's book and you're falling right into his trap. You don't have to tell him he needs to let go, you need to let go of him and break the hold he has over you. If you see him again, then he will tell you everything you want to hear in order to lure you back in before he starts the cycle of cheating on you all over again.He's an abuser and a controller and a loser and a scumbag. That's all you need to know, no "closure" required. That you are involved in such an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship at such a young age is very concerning. Hopefully you can break the cycle, but sadly I suspect you will play right into his hands. Don't see him. You'll regret it. [Mod note: this anon aunt has posted using the words "knocked up" many times. What he may not realize that is that while the words "knocked up" may mean "pregnant" in the USA but in the UK more likely mean to play tennis or to hastily build something. What is clearly meant to be disparaging and judgemental misses the mark when the idioms don't translate to a different country. And yes, that's a direct comment to this anon aunt.]
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (26 June 2013):
I think what you did would have been inconsiderate to someone who had treated you well... But in his case Karma's a bitch.
I wouldn't bother talking to him in person, he's just going to try and talk you out of leaving and possibly make a fool of himself in the process.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question:/ I guess when you put it like that, you do have a point.
I don't owe him an explaination, I have done nothing wrong.
I always do feel that I have to answer to someone. I have never known why.
Maybe I will re-think seeing him tomorrow.
And to clarify, yes the guy was single x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand what you have said completely, at the time he rang this guy up, he was sitting at my friends house, they told me that he was going through all of his contacts and being malicious, jealous and vile about it. He isn't stalking me or anything like that, but the texts and some of the guilt trips have been hard to deal with. I have asked his friends to take his t-shirts, but they have all said no, due to the fact hes had chances to get them before, I also don't know where he lives. My ex has always had a thing for saying bye face to face, so even though I know its not the best decision, I am seeing him tomorrow to take his t-shirts and just really not just convince him that is over, but also myself. If not I know that communication will be prolonged, simply because it will get to next week and i'll have another text or another nasty message. He has also been threatening to kill himself a lot and has been dabbling in drugs. I'm worried about this, so I am also tomorrow going to attempt to speak to him about it. After tomorrow with 20 minutes tops, he is leaving and he is not coming back. He will have no reason as he hasn't left anything. I will make it clear to him too that i'm changing my number. If any of the nasty texts start again, my mum will be ringing him, we would ring his parents but they have a very weak relationship with him so I know it would do nothing. Thankyou for the advice
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 June 2013):
 I would leave the T-shirts out on the front step so he can come pick them up, but YOU do NOT owe him an explanation or clarification of YOUR actions.
You were broken up, you slept with someone, so what? If the guy you slept with is single there is no moral issue here.
Tell him (the ex) to go kick some rocks and leave you alone, because you are done with him and the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 June 2013):
I just saw your followup: "We are seeing eachother tomorrow. Its been 3 weeks and he doesn't really get the fact that its over.
"So we are going to talk, and i'm going to clarify that he needs to let go, he has also left some of his t-shirts here, which he can take so he has no reason to come back.
"I didn't feel bad about any of this until the abusive messages started and the questions and guilt tripping."
---
No, don't see him tomorrow. That will give him some idea that he has a hold over you still. He doesn't.
You don't need to talk, or clarify, other than continuing to reiterate: "The relationship is over. There is no 'we,' there is no 'us,' there is you and me and I am moving on. I suggest you do the same. And no, there's nothing more to talk about. You cheated and I am done with this. Good bye." Hang up, ignore, there's nothing more to discuss.
"The T-shirts are in a box on the front stoop/mailed/dropped off at your mother's/at your friend's house; no need to stop by for them. I have nothing here of yours and there's no point in prolonging the contact."
Tell your friends that your ex has turned into a psycho control freak and is ringing up people and creating drama. You choose to not participate in the drama by not engaging in it, other than being aware it is happening.
He's getting to you because you are letting him back in by even acknowledging him. Have your Dad or Mum call him if he persists. "Steven, we hear that you are continuing to harass our daughter. Leave it be. The relationship is over and there's no point in embarrassing yourself any longer. Do you need professional help? There are services that counsel troubled people."
Have your parents call his parents if this persists.
Notify the school you attend, alert the counselors and your teachers that you have a troubled ex in the picture.
Basically, call upon all your resources to block him from your life.
And DO NOT under ANY circumstances meet up with him. That's a pointless exercise and will only lead to more drama.
He's your EX. Treat him as an EX and ignore, ignore ignore.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 June 2013):
He's a cheat, abusive and an EX.
You don't deserve to feel bad, you are giving him permission to make you feel bad. So chin up, don't have any contact or conversations with him and tell your girlfriends that he's no longer welcome in your life in any way.
Block him, blank him, drop him entirely from your life.
Go on about your life and make choices that make YOU happy and contribute to your quality of life in positive ways. Then you will never have to feel awful about anything you do.
Okay?
Go be brave.
Drop the ridiculous EX for good and get on with living well. Which is, of course, the famous best revenge. :)
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (26 June 2013):
 Your ex apparently has a double standard for himself. HE cheated on you. He was sleeping with other girls who aren't you while you two were together. That is wrong and completely disrespectful.
YOu two were broken up and you slept with a friend of yours. You are single, I'm assuming the friend is single. How is that wrong? It isn't. You shouldn't feel bad, he is winning by making you feel like you are wrong and that you should feel guilty. Don't let him do that to you. You have done nothing wrong.
You don't deserve to feel bad and you shouldn't. You and your ex are just that, exes. So take whatever he says and throw it out the window, because none of it matters. Cease contact with him. Maintaining contact with exes, especially ones who cheat, is never a good idea.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 June 2013):
 He's an ex.
what happened between you two is over and done
I agree he's an ex and you need to have NO CONTACT with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe are seeing eachother tomorrow. Its been 3 weeks and he doesn't really get the fact that its over. So we are going to talk, and i'm going to clarify that he needs to let go, he has also left some of his t-shirts here, which he can take so he has no reason to come back. I didn't feel bad about any of this until the abusive messages started and the questions and guilt tripping. The reason me and my friend have kept it a secret, is because hes a mutual friend of my exes. They have known eachother for years, but they constantly slag eachother off, it was only a month or so ago my ex sat round my house and told me how he just goes round this "friend" of his to eat his food and mock him. So in my opinion they are hardly friends. No matter what I have done, my ex has had a problem with it. I recently got close to yet another mutual friend, i'm not looking for a relationship or anything, but my ex rang the guy up and told him if he did anything with me he would be angry. I feel like I can't be free, and my ex is trying to stop me from moving on, if he found out about this he would do whatever he could to make my life hell and I feel I don't deserve this. I've already deleted him from all of the social networks, but one way or another we do end up texting again, and it is because we miss eachother. I feel tomorrow I can tell him face to face its not going to happen and he needs to move on, I still find it hard though as I don't want him to sit there and grill me for my own personal choices when it's okay for him to do exactly the same. Thankyou for your opinion everything you have said is correct.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 June 2013):
 WHAT????? .... does an "EX-" have to do with what is going on in your life, now???..... IN ANY WAY?????
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A
female
reader, Agneta +, writes (26 June 2013):
Well, it is not up to him to decide who you should or should not sleep with, it is your decision to make. And no, you are not a whore for having had a ONS. But, it is probably not good for you to contnue doing that. I know you like him but really, he treats you like shit. Are you his possession, or what? Drop him totally. The feelings will fade over time, it is true, really.Your value is not in the amount of guys that like you/want to sleep with you or in being liked by the nr 1 popular high school guy. You have value just in being you, being true to who you are and standing up for yourself. You are the only one you will have to spend the rest of your life with and you are the only one who has the right to make decision on who you will be with/sleep with/be friends with/and so on.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 June 2013):
Wanna hear my opinion???
Your ex's opinion, his demands, his thoughts, his wants, and his influence means NOTHING to you in terms of what you decide to do from the moment you broke up with him until now.
You are NOT a whore, and you've done nothing wrong! You are SINGLE, meaning if you decide to go out there and sleep with 100 men in as many hours, he doesn't get to say one thing about it! Now I know you won't do that, but you sleeping with a friend of yours is YOUR RIGHT!
Do NOT keep it a secret! You don't have to be ashamed of a single thing! You drank and took comfort with a friend of yours, and I'm guessing both of you had fun, right?? Unless your friend was cheating on a girlfriend or a wife when he slept with you, then it's all good!
Wanna hear something else?? Stop talking to your ex! Cut him off! He's an EX for a reason! He is DISQUALIFIED from having an opinion. He is DISQUALIFIED from asking you any questions! He treated you badly by cheating on you. His loss! Quit giving him access to you and learn these simple words, and say them in a manner that is RUDE AS HELL:
"It's none of your business. Go away."
Doesn't matter if he's asking girls for pictures! Rejoice that the cheating asshole is no longer in your orbit! If you have any of those goofy "But I love him, miss him, I'm pining for him" chemical emotions kick in, remind yourself that he is a scum ball and go your separate ways! Tell your friends that you don't want to hear about him, nor do you want any updates on how his life is after the breakup.
A breakup is an easy thing if you say "IT's over" and then cut him off. De-friend him on Facebook, block his number and his emails, because when it's over, it's OVER.
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