A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Should I stay or should I go? Married 11yrs, together for 21. we've always been off and on. Only stayed cause I thought it was the right thing to do. He is a good man, we have 3 children 7,9,11. But he's never been "with" me, "for" me. we've never been close. We both have walls and neither one of us will let them down. I have learned through trial and error, my walls can come down, I can and want to love and be loved but he doesn't have a clue. He is currently moved out because I asked him to, but he cries to me every day to let him move back in. He says he's learned his lesson and knows what to do but he hasn't shown me anything at all. I don't love him. I feel sorry for him. we've tried counseling. they basically see me wanting to open, wanting to talk, and him, not understanding what he needs to do, and all that is, is to listen. it's like he doesn't have a heart, and its not his fault, he was an orphan in mexico for the first 10yrs of his life and had no family.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (28 June 2013):
 As I see it, he needs to understand that 'he has' a family now! My point is directed to appeal to his spirit that he need not make divorce orphans of his 3 children because of his lack of family and role models in the past. He needs to brave up, listen and act wisely… You on the other hand keep knocking those walls down and start spelling it out for him, give him the direction he lacks! Only you can teach the other how you like to be treated and loved!?Sadly I can see where this is heading, as walls have been built on both sides and he has moved out at your request :( Understandably he cries and wants to move back in… I believe this would have to do with feeling orphaned and rejected again, if not learning his lesson!?Although, how is one to learn by being away from his wife (who does not love him) and 3 children (who need him as he is a good man)? He already has no idea about the dynamics of a marriage in how to communicate and give emotional support, yet here we are compounding this issue by sending him away again!?As suggested; seek a better Counsellor, but one who can best work with his past and your present feelings. I hope this works out positive for all concerned.Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 June 2013):
 IF he wants to fix it but has no clue how to fix it then I think you should figure out if you want to try to fix it too.
IF you both want it to work then find a counselor that can HELP HIM figure out how to fix this.
going to counseling is important but finding a counselor you can work with and that gets you and understands how to communicate with you and help you get to where you need to be is critical Some people are just not a good fit together.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 June 2013):
 Only divorce him if you feel even single life is better than being with him. He only cries to move back because he knows how it feels to be abandoned as a kid, not necessarily because of his love for you. He is also concerned about his children being without a father. This on and off thing is unhealthy and if you can't make up your mind it prolongs his misery. Dating with three kids and starting over again may not be worth it. You may meet men who will love you and reluctantly take on your baggage, or you might be disappointed with your dating life, and think years down the road, "I got out of this marriage, for that?" A broken family, moving back and forth, for more stress? If you have no kids then you are freer to start life again. With three kids I am afraid it is not that worth it. That's just my opinion because I appreciate me time too much since I am a loner to start with. I know of blended families with multiple children and they get on well. And this is a risk you are willing to take. Other factors that will affect my opinion is how much money you make and how much he makes, and where would you both live if you split. How much money you can spare on babysitting, and travelling. How willing are you to take on extra duty if it happens that your new partner has a few children too? How easy is it to find a man who will take on your children? How does your community receive single mothers? Do you have support from your family and his extended family, etc. The conservative part of me feels that if you are dependent on him the right thing to do is to stay.
As human beings we learn to love as infants and we catch on our emotional states from our parents. We bond through imitation and attunements with people with the closest to us. If we move through life without these crucial stages, it is as if part of our brain is missing. Love is not something you can learn from a therapist or a movie. He can not fill in the holes that are missing at this stage in life. He can copy lines and do what he needs to do but deep down you know it is not authentic, it is just to keep you from leaving, to soothe his abandonment fears. You met him when you were young and thought, he's a nice guy, then you married him. You didn't know that love can be demanding as you grow older.
My mom stayed with my dad. They married for 39 years. Mom had similar problems and talked to 3 marriage counselors who all told her to get a divorce. Mom asked a crucial question, "do you believe in true love?" None of them answered yes. That there made her stay in the marriage.
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