A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend can just irritate me so much sometimes. I brought over all the ingredients to his house to make BLT's. Instead of thanking me and being appreciative he complained I got wheat bread. Then he freaked out that I was cooking the bacon in the microwave. My mother always did..so naturally that is what I do. He went off saying that I was being lazy for cooking it that way and he has justifiable reason for being upset since I was making it the 'wrong' way. WTF. There is more than one way to cook something. He really didn't see anything wrong with his actions either. I would of been thrilled if he would of brought dinner to my house and cooked it. UGH Something else..I go to his family gatherings ALL the time. In the year we have been dating I have been around his family 30times I bet. Birthday parties, holidays, just to hang out, you name it. It has bothered me that he has only been around my family TWICE. I have voiced this to him and he always has some excuse. I told him it is important to me ans seeing I have made such effort with his family he should reciprocate that. It seems so selfish and inconsiderate to me. He says he does not have time...but you see when he does have time, he would rather be with his family or doing something else. I really wanted us to work out but I am not having such high hopes anymore. These are just two things I have mentioned to you that have been recently. thoughts?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 June 2015):
 Oh psssh, he just needs some training. I know this sounds bad, but I mean it: boyfriends need training just like with a dog. He needs to be taught how to behave. Bad behavior: you take away the toy. No more cooking. And just like with dogs, you need to do it right then and there when the bad behavior occurs. Drop everything you have in your hands and go do something else. Most effective response is to stop cooking, leave everything and go sit down and tell him "alright, you do it".
Then DO NOT continue, let him finish it. Or, just cook for yourself and eat and leave him to do his own part. Also very effective. Sure he'll rattle and make a fuzz, but that's because his mom probably spoiled him and let him get away with it. That's the problem in most cases: their mothers spoiled them or didn't bring them up to do their own job (Same with women, lol, do not take this as just something that concerns men).
Discipline. Patience, and follow through. Show him you mean business, and wont be treated this way. Do not respond by kicking and screaming and drama and tantrums. Just be firm. He doesn't like the way you cook? Then you stop cooking it. Repeat if he does it again. So next time you bring over food and start cooking, watch how he keeps shut. Or how he will just do it himself. It's perfectly fine if he has a preference and wants something done differently, accept that he is a picky man, but then he does his own cooking.
This is behavior that you'll get out of him quick and easy. If he's smart he'll pick up on it quickly and will not repeat the mistake.
As for the family thing? It's not a tit for tat. He's either a family person who gets along with your family, or he isn't. This can't be trained. If you only go to his family things out of a sense of duty, then stop it. He doesn't have the same sense of duty when it comes to your family, so will not be disappointed and does not expect you to do it. If you on the other hand enjoys it, continue to do it for your own sake. Not for his sake. In time, he might spend more time with your family, but he might just not be that kind of man. Doesn't have to do with selfishness, but about priorities. Apparently, family isn't that big of a deal to him. Don't take offense, it's not your family or you, it's just that it's not his preference to spend time with families of girlfriends (or maybe he doesn't even like spending time with his own family...). My ex boyfriend wasn't much of a family man, and he always thanked me and praised me and was so amazed that I bothered coming along to the parties with his family... Couldn't understand why I would do so freely or how I could enjoy myself, lol. He was particularly amazed at how I doted on his grandmother with Alzheimer. I had to admit the truth eventually: she was always ok to talk to as you could just say the same thing over and over without having to make up shit, and she was always eager to go home early, leaving me with the perfect opportunity to excuse myself by saying I'd follow her home.. lol!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2015): thanks everyone for their advice. I am the OP. We are currently broken up & I am sad but I also think taking a break will be good. He may just see what he took for greatness after all. It would drive me nuts how I have helped him out so many times cleaning, cooking, painting, running errands, ect. And it's like he forgets or discredits that. He will act like I hardly help him & then When I defend myself by stating all that I have done he's just like whatever or I don't remember that at all. So frustrating ! I have cooked for him probably 20 times. And if I didn't cook there were plenty of times I brought over take out to his house. Of course he says it was only once or twice. He either has amnesia or likes to irritate me so.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (10 June 2015):
 Withdraw your kindness including going to his family things and maybe hell start to miss the things he took for granted. Then when he gets weak and admits he misses thatll be the best time to bring up reciprocation.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 June 2015):
 I have three ways to make bacon depending on how i want it done.
breakfast... in the pan with a bit of water to avoid splatters
for me... in the microwave burnt to a shattering crisp. goes on my salad.
for sandwiches: on the indoor grill (we have a Tfal opti grill but a george foreman would work) then I don't clean the grill and I put the sandwiches on the grill and use the bacon fat on the grill for the sandwich... works perfectly and only one pan to clean....
as for boyfriend... yeah if my man whined and complained about my cooking, I'd not be cooking at all for him much less bringing it to him.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (9 June 2015):
Ok, bacon in the microwave? Ew, seriously.
That said, he's a boor and while he could have gently showed you how to make bacon correctly while telling you how sweet and amazing you are for thinking of him, he chose to insult and berate you instead. This is NOT OK, and I agree with the others that he is not worth your time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 June 2015):
 Gawds! I would have finished "cooking", then eat my sandwich and gone home...
What an ungrateful bugger.
While I personally NEVER cook bacon in the microwave or eat it cook that way (hubby used to cook it in the micro wave till his doctor told him it's a no-no), I certainly would NOT complain if someone WHO was making me a meal did. I would just omit the bacon. Like YouWish mentioned it is NOT a sure way to cook bacon SAFELY (yes, I know many people still cook it this way, doesn't make it more safe. Pre-cooked bacon is SAFE for heating up in the microwave). I bake my bacon in the oven for about 20 minutes at 400F. Comes out crisp and perfectly golden.
OK the safety speech aside.
He complain about the bread, the bacon... I'd stop doing these things for him. He obviously doesn't enjoy them.
Not wanting to go to YOUR family events can be for many reasons, maybe he doesn't feel he fits in, or he doesn't like some of your family - and that is just rude.
This would not sit well with me either. Would I dump him? If this was the NORM for him to criticize when/how I do stuff? then yes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2015): For me it's not a simple answer. It depends how he told you. If he said it in a disregarding manner, angrily, yes than he is a degenerate. But if he said it jokingly thats a different story. If he was to mean about it , and used the word "lazy" in a joking way this is wheniwoildntput too much toughti into it. I am a good cook, and my husband is always appreciative of my cooking and almost always praises me. At times wheni am in a rush, my cooking suffers. We are vegeterians and I make many dishes with tomatoes. Few times wheni had no time to chop fresh tomatoes I opened canned. Of course tasteis different ( worse) and my husband detected it right away. And he said actually the same as your boyfriend, that someone (me) is being lazy . I totaly agreed with him, I was being lazy not to chop tomatoes. But honestly I am not making such a big deal out of it. As far as notgoing to your family house. I really don't find it that strange. My daughter's boyfriend sometimes goes to his family without her as every chance he has he wants to spend with his family, not us. And she comes to visit us. She sees his family more often than he sees us. But that's her choice, she doesn't have to. I don't think it's an indication that he doesn't think you are important, or he doesn't see future with you. It's just how he is, he likes to spend more time with HIS family. If this is all your worries about your boyfriend, and the rest is good, believe me you got it good. There are much worse cases than what you described. And honestly I think microwave cooking is totally unacceptable and if someone cooked something in microwave for me, I would say something too:)
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 June 2015):
 PS, wheat bread is healthier for the little prick. It's hysterical that he criticizes microwave bacon, yet whines about much healthier bread!
Okay, now I'm REALLY done.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 June 2015):
I have two primary thoughts at this time:
1. How FAST can you break up with this no-good ungrateful emotionally abusive prick?? Seriously, you do something nice for him, pay for the ingredients, give him your time and effort, and he calls you "lazy"?? You already wasted a year of your life you'll never get back on this boar, and he should never get a chance to taste your cooking or touch you again in any way for the rest of his life. Do you know how many guys would be thrilled at having someone cook for him???? End it now. He will not change, get better, or see the error of his ways. Of course he doesn't want to be with your family because he doesn't hold you in very high regard at all. Words are worthless. His behavior is everything.
2. Just hear me out on this one! If you were cooking for me, I would be grateful and very appreciative and not say one word of criticism. In my opinion, a homecooked meal is a direct show and outpouring of love from the cook to the person eating it. I recognize and respect different cooking skills and techniques...
That being said - as a kidney transplant patient, I can not eat bacon that has been microwaved unless it's been pre-cooked. It's dangerous to cook bacon that way due to the uneven heating of the microwave itself. I would be barred from eating your delicious BLT due to being immunocompromised, and even a person with a full immune system runs a chance of bacterial hazard. It's the same with pork and poultry being cooked from a raw state in the microwave. Plus, with technology in fat removal being so good now, cooking it on an indoor grill (like a Foreman grill) allows you to render out the fat while cooking it in the exact same time, yet much safer and even cooking than a microwave, not to mention it tastes better! Again, I would be extremely appreciative of your cooking, and I don't consider you lazy considering the fact that you could have very easily stopped at a subway and let someone else cook his stupid BLT for you. But - food for thought - you may want to break from your mother's tradition and do bacon the conventional way, or at least a toaster oven or regular oven if you hate the thought of spitting grease from a skillet. Safety first!
Either way, without turning my advice into a cooking class or health public service announcement, DROP THIS ASSHAT and do it before he ever gets the privilege of touching you ever again. His behavior wasn't just an insensitive "one-off". His ducking out of seeing your family means he's a complete and utter asshat by choice, and it will NOT get better. Let him be some other girl's problem.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 June 2015):
 Selfish and unwilling to even consider some sort of compromise ..... unwilling to meet you even quarter of the way on your desire to have him mix and mingle with your family sometimes.
I agree with Sensitive Bloke, he is not good boyfriend material.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (9 June 2015):
 Cooking is an art, and everyone cooks things differently. There's no one way to do it.
He sounds selfish and unappreciative. Not good boyfriend material.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2015): Hi Beautiful ! :D,First of all , You are too kind to go out of your way to meet all his family members and put the effort in.As for the blt and bacon?You are the cook, you do as you please. If he ever gets snappy (it is more of a test) I would tell him , well what would you recommend? How do you cook bacon or show me your way. Just remember to stay calm, i know it is hard, but you are a strong woman you can do it.I would talk to him calmly and bring up on how he does not take the effort to see your family members and how it is not fair to you. What I would do? I would mirror his actions. Next time, he wants you to see his family members give him the same excuse or response he gives you.Give less to him and you will see things turn around. However, I bet once you pull back he will come back. Anyways hope it all goes well for you .
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2015): "thoughts??"
If you want a boyfriend who appreciates what you do for him and wants to spend time with your family, then you have two options:
a) Wait for this guy to magically change into the person you want him to be
b) Find someone else who shares your values and so would genuinely appreciate what you do for him and would genuinely want to spend time with your family
I'd say "b" would be the less unlikely alternative.
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