A
female
age
41-50,
*zzy2
writes:My boyfriend has been spending a lot of time with his ex girlfriend. This has been going on since they split up a year ago. I tried to be tolerant of the situation as I didn't want to control his life.I did however bring it up with him once and he said that I didn't have anything to worry about and even tried to blame me saying I was insecure.The situation has reached a point where I feel I can't handle the situation any more. It is just making me too upset. I live quite close to him so I know every time his ex is at his place as I see her car parked out the front when I go past his place. Recently she has been at his place 2-3 times a week.I don't have a problem with them being friends if that is what they are, but the amount of time he is spending with her means I am playing second fiddle to her.
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ex girlfriend, his ex, insecure, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Izzy2 +, writes (7 October 2014):
Izzy2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for answering. You are all so right. I know exactly what to do know. You have all been a great help. I have dumped him already. Thank you
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 October 2014):
 Yes, to what Auntie Bim Bim said.
You can't "make" either of them stop this. Unless they SHARE a child together there is NO real reason for her to be stopping by 2-3 times a week, except for then starting something back up.
He called you insecure and you are playing RIGHT into his game, because BY pretending to be tolerant and non-controlling you are trying to prove that you are the BEST GF ever!
And don't lie. Not to yourself at least. YOU DO have a problem with this friendship, MOST women would. Putting your EX-GF as a higher priority and spending MORE time with an ex is JUST not OK.
Wish him well and end it. BE honest and tell him, I don't want to feel like I'm playing second fiddle to your ex. And when YOU rather spend time with her, than me, I'm no longer a priority for you. Good luck and good bye!
Then next time don't date a guy who is still "hooked on his ex".
Don't ever settle for a man to treat you this way. I mean seriously, wouldn't you rather be single then that?
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (7 October 2014):
 I agree with the other posters: he's making a fool of you. He has overstepped the boundaries big time.
Leave him with your head held high, and do it today.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 October 2014):
 Heh, there's nothing EX about this woman. He is disqualified from accusing you of insecurity when it comes to female friends who once had a relationship. Had this woman been completely platonic (i.e. a childhood family friend that used to be a step-sibling or something like that), he might have been able to sell that one.
However, you're being played for a complete fool, letting him roll all over you, treat you like a fool while still having lots of sex with her. Come on! What reason would an EX have being at his house for 2-3 times a week? The answer is NO REASON.
I'd tell him "my only mistake is letting you treat me like a fool. Get the hell out of my life."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2014): He is waiting for you to dry-up and fall off. They are carrying on in-front of you, and he's making a total fool of you.
Do you need a man so bad that you're willing to share him?
He has made his choice. Her! You're in a state of denial and desperation. Collect your dignity, and the courage to let go. You are allowing a man to treat you as if you don't have a brain or feelings. You're acting as if you don't have a brain! What you flush down your toilet is better than he is.
Seriously?!! Her car is parked in-front of his house? Woman, what is wrong with you?
He has returned to his ex. So accept that.
Kick his sorry ass to the curb and get on with your life. You must keep your dignity as a woman, and not allow yourself to lie down for this kind of treatment. He doesn't love you. That doesn't mean you will not find love someplace else. So often women in your age-group come to DC thinking they have fewer options in selecting men. That's only true for those who allow it to be. How badly must a man treat you before you save yourself?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2014): I don't know why, we as women, tolerate being mistreated in any shape or form so we aren't being seen as controlling or insecure.
That leaves a wide gate for a man to walk through and to get away with his actions or to push those actions to the limit.
If there aren't any ground rules or boundaries in a relationship then some men will overstep them all the time as your boyfriend is doing.
I think the Aunties here have excellent advice. Kick him to the curb. He wants his cake and to eat it too. Two girlfriends is better than one right now for him. Don't settle for that.
You have better things to do with your time, then wasting it by driving by his place and playing detective and checking up on him.
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A
female
reader, LourdesM +, writes (7 October 2014):
I agree with Aunty Bim Bim. There are those men who can't let go of ex's or even keep their social contact casual with their women friends. My ex insisted on having continual dinners with women friends from the past AND showering them with gifts. I tolerated more than I should have myself and my advice is to NOT put yourself through this anguish. If his behavior doesn't change, bid him adieu. It is, in fact, a load of BS. You need someone who will be happy to be with you. Period.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (7 October 2014):
 Sorry OP but sounds like you're the ex now. If a man blames you for being insecure when he's the one being dodgy, you know what that means. I don't think you should accept this shitty treatment anymore. Looks like its time to end the relationship
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 October 2014):
 H's a news flash, they never splt up. Go on to greener pastures he's hung up on her and not you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (7 October 2014):
 You cant change his behaviour, or hers, the only person whose behaviour you can change is yours.
In your shoes I would be feeling the same .... and I wouldn't like being second fiddle.
You need to decide if that is a position you are happy being in, if it is, then carry on driving past his house seeing his ex there more times than you see him.
Let him know you are not interested in being second fiddle or a part of a trio, and seeing as he cant quite fathom the relationship is supposed to be a duo you've decided to be a solo act.
You changing your behaviour might cause him to change his, but if his ex has got her hooks into him he might not be able to get away. I don't understand this whole 'really good friends' with exes thing anyway. Its a load of bollocky BS if you want my opinion.
Kiss him and move on, find a single man and not one who is so engrossed in his ex that he doesn't have time for you.
Good luck!
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