A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have two problems which are really causing me a lot of stress. You see, I am a 22 years old and looking to get married. I've lived in 4 countries, speak multiple languages, don't drink/smoke/go clubbing, and am almost finished with university. I have a strong desire to settle down at this point in my life. The problem is -- well, there are two problems:1. My boyfriends past2. I wish we had a larger age difference (weird, I know)1. My boyfriend is 36 years old, very cute, has a PHD/speaks 6 Ianguages, has lived in many countries, and a sexy accent to boot. He is trying to move to my home country with me and talks about getting married, that I'm the only girl who ever understood and loved and loved him. He gave up hunting and takes good care of a small pet we adopted. I love my boyfriend, but I am having such a hard time accepting his past.He got a divorce 4-5 years ago, after cheating on his ex wife of 10 years with prostitutes as well as a coworker. He started dating the coworker, soon found out she was cheating on him, and punched her until she bled. He has 2 kids with his ex wife, but is hardly in their lives, has been in many fights, involved in mafia(ie. human trafficking), and I have a feeling there is stuff he has left out. Since opening up about his past however, he has become much softer around me -- sending kissing photos, writing love poems, taking an interest in cute stuff like kittens. His connections with mafia is almost gone now, and he has stopped fighting and hardly drinks anymore. I know my boyfriend cant change his past, so its wrong for me to hold it against him. I just become petrified at the idea of being betrayed and ending up a single mom like his ex. I need advice on how to move forward and stop this worrying. 2. Ideally, I would like to marry someone 20-29 years older than me. I feel embarrassed sharing my feelings about this even online, but I'll be honest. I am incredibly scared of being left for a younger model. For some reason, I am fine seeing my husband grow elderly but I dont want him to see me like that. I want my him to remember me as loving, energetic, youthful, and always his biggest fan. This might not seem like a big deal, but I think about it constantly.Before my boyfriend, the thought of someone 14 years older seemed perfect, but now I worry it is still too little. My boyfriend often will call women in their 30's "old women". I'm not sure if this is a language barrier (ie. he means oldER than me), but he has said a few times that he likes "really young women" and bragged to me once about dating a barely legal girl when he was 32 -- all which lead me to believe its not. My boyfriend doesn't know my fear, but I asked him once what happened when I turned 30. He said he would never leave me, but I worry he says this while imagining me always looking 22. I don't have a proper question for this part, but I know I need help, and am reaching out here for it. Thank you so so much in advance to everyone who took the time to read this long post! I don't think I need to tell you how confused I've been -- sure you've got that down, and I am really looking forward to your great advice. Thanks again :)
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clubbing, co-worker, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, kissing, prostitute, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 OP thank you for the update…
I totally understand going against the advice… sometimes we need to be in just enough pain to do what is necessary even if it hurts us.
A man that calls you names (slut and cheater) does NOT love you.
You should never have to DEFEND yourself to him.
You should never have to send photos to prove where you are… sheesh that is so stupid… so many ways that’s BS… I can take photos…alter the date and time and send them as needed to fool someone… his demand that you do that (and your compliance) is crazy.
He can SAY he loves you all he wants but his actions do not confirm this feeling.
BE STRONG… delete his number… do not answer when he calls…block his number, block his email, block him on any social media you have….
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone,
Thank you so much for your very kind words and I'm sorry this update is so late.
I went against the advice and tried working things out, but he began asking me regularly whether I was cheating and before I could defend myself he would call me a slut and cheater. I would have to send photos to prove my location. Although he rarely apologized, which made me quite sad, 3 days ago it all ended. He said he would call, but never did, so I called, but did not scold him. He of course did not apologize, but said repeatedly that he loved me...then asked me to send a photo to prove my location again. He said I looked like a prostitute because I painted my nails. Then he cussed me out despite having shown proof like always.
He said "you are not good enough so you don't deserve respect" when I said he was really hurting my feelings. :(
I was very upset and cut contact finally...all your advice and support was going through my head at that time. I still feel very sad and hurt, but will continue to reread your advice.
Thank you again! ^^
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (31 December 2012):
 Hi
If you can, would you come back on and update on your situation? Take Abellas advice re the American Embassy OR take the risk and marry him.
Your choice.
I wish you luck x
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (31 December 2012):
 Men often repeat the way they behave and he's left his wife before for a younger woman. And he may well do that again.
Of course at the moment I have no doubt that he spoils you and you love that.
And I am thrilled for you that you are attending university. That is a good move. Get those qualifications. I was rather hoping that you are studying law. But fingers crossed it is something that will allow you to work anywhere.
Yet he wants you to return to your home town and marry and live there. Will that allow you to fully develop and use the skills you are learning at University into a career? or will he prefer that you stay home and have babies? Until he finds a younger woman in ten years time?
And it is great that you have an apptitude for languages. That is a wonderful skill and suggests to me that you are very intelligent. Intellectually you and yoru BF are well matched.
And your Bf is intelligent, has a University education and he also speaks multiple languages.
So he would be very useful in his organistion. In fact with that level education he may occupy a very key position in his organisation. Not a man to be crossed.
Even though you do need to get out you are living with a very dangerous man it will not be easy.
You have never seen his nasty side.
You love him.
He seems benign now as he is getting what he wants. But woe betide you, if he ever thinks he is not getting what he wants.
And I will assume that you mean the Yakuza also known as Gokudo – the Japanese Crime organisation and not the Mafia which originated in Italy.
Just to give you some idea of how far is the reach across the world of the Yakuza also known as Gokudo this Californian newsletter may start to give you some idea:
http://zimmer.csufresno.edu/~haralds/deptdocs/Newsletters/September%202011%20CSUF%20Criminology%20Newsletter.pdf
And to help you start to comprehend how ruthless is the human trafficking industry I recommend that you watch the following film, if you get the opportunity watch it(alone, by yourself) It is the 2005 film called "Human Trafficking" with Donald Sutherland, Mira Sorvino and Robert Carlyle.
Although the real trade is far far worse the film will start to give you an over view of the sort of man you are involved with.
It is very sad to have to say this, but just walking out is fraught with danger and you do not realise that yet. Your guy would be ruthless.
Since the tentacles that would lead back to the Yakuza would run very deep in Japan if you approached any Japanese organisation.
There is a strong push to target the Yakusa in the US. The US is making a determined effort in the US to make things as uncomfortable as possible for the members of the Yakusa in the US.
And he would no doubt seek revenge if your disrespected him in any way.
How you safely get away from someone like your guy is another story altogether.
I thought about it and about the only safe thing I can think of would be to seek asylum in the American Embassy.
In the long run you can either be a faithful wife, produce some children, live in your home town, and eventually have him be unfaithful to you. Leaving you with children and little maintenance to bring up your children alone. So eventually your University education may allow you to work to earn enough money to look after your family.
Or you can search for completely safe ways to leave this relationship. If you currently live in Japan then I do not think it would be safe to stay in Japan if you left him. And even getting out of Japan would be very very difficult if you left him.
And if you are in another country it will not be safe for you to keep your existing name as otherwise you could be tracked down.
You are indeed in a very difficult situation. Please do not act impulsively and make any sudden moves. He is an intelligent man. He will suss you out if you make any too obvious moves.
I do not envy your situation. The distrust is already starting to bother you. So I am truly sorry that you are in such a difficult situations.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (31 December 2012):
Hi
Any man that beats a woman till she bleeds and was involved in human trafficing,to name but two faults, is dangerous.
Your not in a movie,which is what your life sounds like, this is real life and it scares me to think what could happen if you stay around.
I have never read a question on here that rang so many alarm bells as yours does to be honest.
All your worried about is if he leaves you for a younger woman which I find even more of a concern.
Leave him,finish it, walk away and never look back.Start a new life using your education,your intelligence, in another country if you can, with a culture that will allow you to meet new and well adjusted men and to grow personally.
Likng older men is a preference for alot of women, but NOT so it makes them feel younger longer, you need to address that issue too.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 December 2012):
 This is a strange post. Disturbing.
You get involved with a guy into human trafficking- and he is NOT quite done yet with the mafia , remember...( then again, if you belong to a mafia-like organizations, there's no retirement party with a gift of a gold watch after a certain number of years . You stop when THEY want you to stop, not sooner ). And you are afraid that he might leave you.
You should be afraid that he might stay. And to rub him the wrong way , sooner or later.
Do you know how human trafficking works ? Do you know what the work of " human trafficking operators ", for lack of a better definition, consists of ? Do you know the methods and techniques they use to break down the resistence of people who do not want to be trafficked, women who don't want to be forced into prostitution, men who do not want to be sold in slavery to work mafia's drug farms, etc. ?
It's pretty graphic stuff, the gory details are not fit to be printed on Dear Cupid.
It does not matter if he is not, or was not, the guy who rapes or tortures in first person, and maybe he was just a driver or an accountant for the organization. Fact is, he was/ is enabling perpetuate one of the most horrific ,inhuman plagues in our society.
But, you feel it's ok, because now he likes kittens ?
You are dating a dangerous sociopath, full stop.
If you can't do without that sexy " bad boy " vibe, at least get yourself a nice bank robber, a nice international swindler... someone that is at least STILL a human being.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 December 2012):
he punched her till she bled...
he's in HUMAN TRAFFICKING.....
He TARGETS YOUNG WOMEN
I'd say RUN! RUN hard and run fast and do not look back.
He's bad news honey on so many levels.....
NONE of it having to do with your age difference.
But here's my take on age gap relationships...
they CAN work... for the most part but NOT when one partner targets an age group. Men that only like younger women will continue to go for younger and younger women till they turn into what we call "dirty old men"
Same for women who TARGET younger men.
I don't TARGET younger men but I seem to be attracted to them often. My husband is 13 years younger than I am... and most of the time we don't even think about it.
BUT I did not like that he was so much younger. I did not go after him BECAUSE he was younger... and while he preferred older women so he did not have to deal with women who would want children (he did not want children) he is not with me BECAUSE of my age but in spite of it.
You really don't want a husband so much older than you. Men tend to die younger than women as it is.... And even with our gap of 13 years I'm 52 and I am significantly slower than I was at 45 or even 48....
Your reason for wanting an older man is also one that makes me think you may benefit from some professional counseling.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012): Leave. Right. Now. Nothing you say about him makes me think that he's a good catch. He has a sexy accent? So what? So do many people. He is dangerous, a liar, a cheat and a creep. He is being "sweet" around you because he is manipulating you. You have low self-esteem and this makes you vulnerable. Please please think of yourself and your future and leave him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 December 2012):
 I see THIS: "He started dating the coworker, soon found out she was cheating on him, and punched her until she bled. He has 2 kids with his ex wife, but is hardly in their lives, has been in many fights, involved in mafia(ie. human trafficking), and I have a feeling there is stuff he has left out..."
What more do you have to know that this guy is a creep?
Hope you make a smart decision.... one which does NOT include this character...
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (30 December 2012):
 "ie. human trafficking"
Don't walk, RUN away from this man. One of the criteria for being with a man should probably be that he hasn't ever sold women into slavery to be raped and abused. I know this was just one sentence, but there is really nothing else to write here that can counter that. He has sold women like livestock and has directly contributed to enslaving women where they are raped. RUN away from that monster! He also visits prostituted women (were they trafficked too, meaning he raped them?), cheated on his wife, and says that 30 year old women are too old (you will be that age one day too). This guy is a monster, you should get away from him as fast as you can.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 December 2012):
 This is really hard to relate for most of us on dearcupid. I know that in Japanese culture women look cute and have babyfaces. They eat very well and age well. Still, it's not enough. Women are expected to stay 21 forever. After that they are useless. In Japan men also have a lot of power in the relationship. This is also very hard for westerners to understand. In America 70% of women initiate the divorce. It's the men who have to keep up, not the women.
I would be very scared to marry a boyfriend like yours. Your fear of looking old, and the fear of men leaving you are causing you to make foolish decisions in life.
You have very good qualities. Don't waste your life on such a psychopath. You can date whoever. Your boyfriend is a nightmare to any woman, old or young.
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