A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I have a situation. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and he does everything for me and my kids. We first met online, he had come from a far country to visit me and he decided not to go back to his country. So now he has overstayed his visa and is illegal here, he keeps pressuring me into marrying him so he can stay in my country. I do love him very much and want to help him but I have married someone who used me to stay in my country before and I dont want to be used again by this new person. My boyfriend has planned the whole wedding and everyone knows about it and the wedding has been set in a week. I dont want to go through with it. What should I do ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2019): Tell your boyfriend to go to Immigration and do what he needs to do to comply with the law. If he has only overstayed a visa for a short time they may be able to work with him to extend his visa, or change it to a different type if he qualifies to stay longer. Maybe he will have to leave for a number of months before he can come back, but if he goes through the right channels he will at least still be able to come here legally, and not be blacklisted.
Don't marry him just because he wants to stay. That would make you an accessory to a crime. If he cares he would not ask that of you.
Best,
R
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2019): You are being used.He does not love you.If he did love you he would not risk your freedom by you harboring an illegal.Think about that .
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 June 2019):
 OP,you know how they say:first time shame on you,second time shame on me. You got burned once with the equivalent of a Green Card marriage, now you want to really be extra careful and extra prudent, and really take your time to assess whether this guy actually loves you, or just loves being able to live in Canada. You only met him a year ago, and I guess that he did not come to see you in Canada straighy away, right ?, so basically you are just at the beginning of getting to know him in person and IRL... It would make sense to take things slow even if he were just from another Canadian province , - imagine if he comes from another country, - and specially from a third world country… Not to say that he necessarily must be an user, just because he is not a Canadian citizen. but with all the marriage scams that there are around ( and there are tpns !), being very cautious is your right , and your duty too.
So, if you feel rushed, if you feel it's too soon- " just say no ". Cancel the plans, who cares if everybody knows. "Everybody " are not those getting married, you are and it's your privilege, and your responsibility !, to make sure that all your i's have been dotted and all your t's have been crossed before consenting to marry him.
A man who loves you , and who is serious about sharing a life forever, would totally understand where you are coming from and ge would not try to pressure and rush you, no matter how eager he is to regularize his status. A man who throws a fit at the idea of postponing, and insists to have it his way, or even says " it's now or never "...well, you can bet that's a guy who's after getting a visa, not getting a wife- so you really have nothing to lose in trusting your gut feelings and demanding that current plans are cancelled for the time being.
Not to mention, that every country's immigration laws are different, I don't know personally about Canada, but as the Canadian uncle says, it is quite possible that your bf could be deported regardless of marital status, so before you take any further steps, you should really get well informed about what your immigration laws say...
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (2 June 2019):
 YIKES! There was just a huge alert in Canada to beware of marriage scams, and you already were hit by one! This guy is pressuring you, and he "does things for you" not because he loves you, but because you have something he doesn't. Once you tie the knot, he will bleed you dry financially and then drop you like a used soft drink can.
Youcannotbeserious is correct -- he probably got your contact info from the last time you did this! Usually the country is Nigeria, or Ethiopia, or the Phillipines, or Somalia, or other African countries, but any middle eastern/Eastern European country has men who do this, looking for vulnerable women desperate for companionship to use.
ANother thing -- by pressuring you and planning a wedding without your consent, and by using all of your friends to pressure you by telling THEM that there's a wedding going on shows a massive LACK OF RESPECT for you as a woman. THat is a major RED FLAG that he will disrespect your opinion and your needs WITHIN your marriage. Don't let it happen!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2019): The very fact that he is acting in this manipulative and uncaring way towards you shows you that he is with you and marrying you for a visa. Not for love. So there is no need for you to feel bad about getting rid of him. You are not ending a 'relationship' full of love, you are ending a stint of clever manipulation by a man who cares not one jot for you or your feelings. So how come you care about his feelings?Not one more second of thought or regret. Just tell him that you are not ready to get married and when you are that you expect your future husband to actually consult with you about the wedding and the time scale.He is scamming you for a visa. The ONLY reason that he has been so amazing etc as you state, is so that you feel guilty for telling him to hit the road.Manipulators ALWAYS give large, to get back larger. They RELY on the target for their manipulative behaviour (YOU) to have guilt about not providing what their boyfriend wants BECAUSE he has been so good to you. ALL a SHAM. He has NOT been good to you, he has been planting the beds and sowing the seeds of the woman he is going to guilt trip into marrying him. So far so good for him! He has won you over with whatever he's been doing and all the while, writing back home to let them know how close he is to getting a visa!! Wake up and smell the paperwork.....and PLEASE don't let it be a marriage certificate!
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (2 June 2019):
 Say no?
Is advice really necessary here? You can’t be forced into a marriage you don’t want to take part in.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 June 2019):
 Tell him to go back to his country and that you need a relationship to last longer than one year before you will marry + you want to marry for the right reasons and not for him to stay. By staying illegalt he is turning himself into a criminal and this will only cause problems for you and him. For him to marry you I think he also needs to be in the country legally. Check into this.
Think with your head and not your heart here. I too have been used once, financially, by a boyfriend. You dont want to believe someone you love could be sneaky or try to use you, but there are such people. Even if you love him, there is no rule saying you have to trust him blindly. Besides, if you dont want to be married, you have every right to say no. Just say no.
If you find it hard to resist him (some people, like my ex boyfriend, can be very persuasive), I suggest travel away around the date of the wedding. Just leave and go somewhere else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2019): What should you do? You're full-grown woman, and no one can force you marry them in Canada! If he's too big of a problem, call immigration authorities. You can stop calling him your boyfriend. His only interest in you was to find a way to get Canadian citizenship. You were pretty much aware of this from the start; and you also knew there wasn't much you could do to help him to gain citizenship if he left his country.
You're harboring an illegal immigrant. Figure it out!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2019): I dont know the Canadian regulations but where I live you are not allowed to marry someone who does not have a valid residance permit to stay in the Country. So you better check maybe you have a valid excuse to refuse to marry him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 June 2019):
 Nope, don't do it.
If you went through this ONCE before, you know this isn't the right thing to do...
You have to tell him, IF he TRULY wants to marry you and BE with you this has to be done the RIGHT way.
Look into a fiance visa - for that though HE has to be BACK in his own country. And yes, it might take longer than a week. BUT IT WILL BE LEGAL.
What is his country of origin by the way?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (1 June 2019):
 Being used in this way ONCE is bad luck; any more than that and it is down to bad judgement - on YOUR part.
You do realize that he probably got your contact details via the FIRST guy who used you for this purpose, don't you? There are communities which pass around contact details for gullible women who can be used in this way. It is in YOUR power to STOP BEING ONE OF THEM.
I just bet he DOES do everything for you and your kids. It is so that you feel obligated to marry him. Once you are married, I will bet you this will change. Does he also take lots of photographs so that he has "proof" of your relationship by any chance?
If what BrownWolf says it correct (I have no reason to doubt it), then you could end up married to someone who gets deported anyway. What sort of a life do you think THAT would give you and your kids? And what if YOU get into trouble for HIS illegal stay? After all, you have known about it all along. What will happen to your children if you get banged up in prison?
You already know the right thing to do. Be strong enough to do it.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (1 June 2019):
 OP, DO NOT MARRY HIM! That would be very foolish and you know it. Tell him the truth " I am sorry I cannot will not marry you under these circumstances." END OF STORY
He knew when he had to leave and stayed too long anyways.
I do not know how Canada operates in regards to this situation so please listen to the advice of Brownwolf.
My very good friend was from Japan and worked for sushi restaurant that took care of all his visa/green card works. He trusted them. They screwed up and didn't file his paper work in a timely manner and he wound up being illegal and not even knowing it. They told him after he had already stayed a year here illegally. He went to attorney after attorney but it didn't matter. The US would not let him come back for TEN years! He did file a suit against his company and won some compensation but he had to give up his dream of staying in the US and opening up his own restaurant.
Your boyfriend is trouble. Don't let him drag you down with him!
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (1 June 2019):
 DO NOT DO IT!!!
LEAVE HIM!!!
WHY?????
He has been with you for a year. He knows the rules right?? If he loves you as much as he says he does, he would have done all the RIGHT things to say in the Country. You don't screw up your chances and then try to pressure someone into doing the WRONG thing to save your ass.
Just to let you know...Canada DOES NOT work like the US. Even if you get married they will still kick him out. Marrying a Canadian does give you a visa or citizenship. I konw because I myself was not born in Canada, and had to go through the LEGAL means to be a citizen.
You know it's wrong, and if you go through with it, you will be worst than he is...why?? Because you knew and did it anyway. If he asked you to rob a bank would you do it?? Same thing...why?? Because wrong is wrong. You can say how much you love him all you want, it's still wrong. Him asking you to do this is wrong. Him staying pass his visa limit is wrong. Him putting this on a woman with children is even more wrong....and you even slightly considering this...super wrong.
Hey kids, mommy did something illegal so you can have a step dad. So it okay for you to do anything illegal in life, because it was good for mommy, so it good for you. I am not being mean or not trying to understand your love for him. But if your forever life starts off illegal, what else is going to happen?? If he got to stay, how do you know he is not using you just for that??
Any man who wants you to do anything illegal for love...it is not love at all.
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