A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiance referred to me as a "beached whale" during sex (in the context of a conversation while not having sex). I'm usually on bottom for a few reasons. He can barely stay hard when I'm on top (not sure why), neither of us can really reach orgasm when I'm on top (doesn't hit the right spot for me, he can't stay aroused), and I feel really jiggly and self-conscious when I'm on top. I'm a tad chubby, not terribly, but enough to feel not-so-sexy when wiggling about. Maybe this is why he can't stay hard. Anyway, how should I take this comment? I told him it hurt my feelings and I haven't been feeling into sex since he said it a couple days ago. He apologized and said he was joking, but do you think this means that he thinks I'm too fat? Thanks.
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (13 January 2014):
You know beached whales can be helped back into the sea,and going swimming with other male whales. One man's whale is another man's catch of the day :)
Personally, the bounce with each thrust, mmm,yes please. :)
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 January 2014):
 That would not be OK with me for ANY man to say that least of all someone who claims to LOVE me.
I would sit him down and ask him to PLEASE elaborate on it, because you felt offended and think you deserve an explanation.
Now if he means you "just" lay there in bed - then I would actually be LESS offended then if he was referring to your weight.
I would also explain that WAS not funny, nor a joke.
It would be like you calling him a limp dick (I wouldn't tell him that though, because then you would do something offensive, but it was to explain to YOU how I see his remark). If you get my gist?
I would also explain it's a HUGE turn of when your PARTNER your LOVED one calls you names. And it's not OK. EVER
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your thoughtful responses. I am hoping to have a good talk with him about this and how disrespected it makes me feel. He is usually so kind and sensitive, so I really have no idea where that comment came from, as it is so out of character.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (12 January 2014):
Dear OP,
You've just recovered from a severe eating disorder, so no, I don't suggest you try to lose any weight right now. With your background it might be really hard to "just lose a few pounds", might even escalate into a new form of eating problem. And even if it wasn't - it would install a very unhealthy pattern: That you change for him if he's hurting you and not respecting you. This is not a good reason to change! Not at all!
Your fiance exploited your low self-esteem and blamed you for some sex routine he's not 100% satisfied with. Yet, as you already pointed out, this routine stems from both your capabilities and preferences.
If you want to get married to this guy, make sure he really loves you the way you are. And is not manipulating you or criticizing you in a hurtful manner. He should appreciate you.. not take you for granted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe definitely knows I have self-esteem issues, as I have recently recovered from bulimia, which I have struggled with since early high school (thus the present bit of chub, that and a weird thyroid thing I've had for a few years). I feel like I am active during sex, I do oral on him, try different interesting positions, or anything he's asked me to do beyond that. It mostly comes down to that me on bottom seems to be the best angle for both of us. I definitely used to try and be top more, but he couldn't get into it, which made me feel like I sucked at it, so I guess I gave up a little. He also insists that he doesn't need me to lose weight to be attractive, but I still am not sure. Should I try and lose a few pounds and see what his response is?
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (12 January 2014):
 It sounds like the comment was aimed more at how you're typically on the bottom than at your physical appearance specifically. It's possible that he feels you just lie there during sex, and wishes you would participate more actively. But either way it was a really rude thing for him to say and you're not in the wrong to be offended by it.
It's good that he apologized, but that doesn't mean you have to instantly forgive him and forget he ever said that to you. It was a really cruel remark for him to have made to *anyone* let alone his long-term partner. "I'm sorry" is a good start but it doesn't unsay the words or erase the way they made you feel about yourself. I wouldn't make forgiveness conditional on him doing other nice things for you or buying you something, but I would let him know that it's going to take time.
Does he know you have self-esteem problems? That would make this worse, and is something to consider when deciding how quickly to forgive him.
Good luck and best wishes as you work through this.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 January 2014):
 No, but to be honest I don't think he means anything flattering either.
I have a few times heard the expression " beached whale " in reference not so much to the size of a person, as to their ability / capacity of moving graciosly and easily ; a person who moves too slowly, or clumsily ,or just sits there like a log... or like a beached whale.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014): I would tell him, I know you have said you're sorry for calling me a beached whale but in am still massively hurt by this. You have made me feel inadequate, that I am fat and also it doesn't make it sound like you are attracted to me. I am still very hurt by what you said and saying sorry isn't going to make me feel any better until you also show me you are sorry. If he asks how he's supposed to do that, well I'd say that's his job, he said those words and caused this pain so he can think of how to show he's sorry. I don't know what he was thinking a why he said that. Maybe he was meaning you just lie there?
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (12 January 2014):
 Hw else can a person mean "beached whale" except for calling them fat?
I'm hoping this was a huge foot in mouth moment, and not how he really feels. However, his words were absolutely ridiculous, and he should have definitely known better than to say that! My feeling would definitely be hurt, as well.
It's up to you how you choose to proceed. He says he was joking, but that was still a very hurtful thing to say to someone, regardless of whether you're joking or not. It's just common sense not to call someone a beached whale- especially NOT your gf.
I'm sorry he said this to you. Let him know he's not out of the dog house quite yet.
Good luck.
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