A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had a Friend who was one of my best friends. In fact he was more like the little brother I never had.About a month or so ago, he got back with his ex, who had cheated on him in the past. He said at the time, he felt like he was making a huge mistake, but he loved and missed her and she felt the same. I said as long as he was happy, I was happy.Anyway, she recently kicked off at him about us being friends and he explained to her we are only mates and we have a brother/sister relationship. Bearing in mind He's 19, I'm 24 and I am actually engaged to my partner of 6 years and I love him.There has never been anything more than that between us and never will be, we were just very close. Anyway she was fine with it after he'd explained.She then kicked off about a week ago again, and sent me a message on facebook pretending to be him, saying don't ever speak to me again.When I questioned him about it, he said he was sorry, but he couldn't speak to me ever again as he needed to save his relationship. I was absolutely devastated.I then got a message off his girlfriend, saying she didn't appreciate our relationship as we "flirt" too much. Her interpretation of flirting is a few messages from me saying "hiya sweetheart are you having a good day?" or "have a good day babe"We've always spoke to eac hother like that by the way.She went on to explain that she dosen't like the manner in which we speak in and feels it's not acceptable for us to speak that way. I said to her she is obviously insecure because I have a partner of 6 years and I love him. There is absolutely no reason for her to think otherwise.Anyway my friend said they had argued about it and now as a result he's cut all contact with me. She's told me never to speak to him again and she says that he says the same. She said she feels better now nobody is going to call "HER boyfriend" sweetheart.I think it's absolutely ridicilous and I haven't stopped crying for days. Not only have I lost one of my best friends, I've also lost someone who was like my brother.I'm so angry, hurt and upset because I know she's made him choose between us, and while I wouldn't have wanted him to choose her over me, I wish he would have valued me as a friend and told her straight that she is being ridicilous. It shouldn't have even come to this, there's never been anything more between us. I'm absolutely heartbroke, but I've respected what he's said and not contacted him, but I did message him saying that I'll always be here.His girlfriend is obviously very jealous and insecure.I just don't know how to deal with this. I know I can't do anything but she is controlling him and it breaks my heart.And when I actually apologised to her for upsetting her, even though I didn't mean to, she said fair enough, I believe you that nothing is going on now. So why is there still an issue here?Yes, maybe I shouldn't have called him "sweetheart" but that doesn't mean I want to jump into bed with him does it?
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best friend, engaged, facebook, flirt, his ex, insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2012): I already said I didn't want him to choose her over me. I just wish he'd have stood up to her more.
I agree with a lot of advice and comments made here and I genuinely appreciate it. What I don't accept however, are some comments implying I liked him as more than a friend. We were never like that with eachother, we had a very close, brother/sister type of relationship. Even if I was single, I wouldn't go there because it would be like incest to me.
And that's exactly the reason I was very deeply upset and still am. At the end of the day, I cared a lot about him, and when you care deeply for someone, it's always going to hurt and possibly make you cry.
A
male
reader, grymsoul  +, writes (7 August 2012):
 Let's be honest, would you like it if your fiance had a friend who was a girl calling him "boo" or "love"? I know you think it's unreasonable for her to think that you too have something going on but if anyone of us was in her shoes, we might have tried to do the same thing.
Some would call it insecure, others would say it's a woman protecting her relationship with her man. Also, from the emotional breakdown you suffered from losing him, it appears that you two were way too close for comfort. Like someone else pointed out, he may have started to see you in a different light. His girlfriend probably picked up the vibe and decided to take action. Maybe she went to a bit extreme but she did the best she could to eliminate the threat.
I want you to think about your fiance being in the same situation as your best friend. Would you feel comfortable seeing messages from a girl calling him loving pet names? Names that are generaly shared by lovers? I know you will feel inclined to say it wouldn't bother you because you wish to tip the scale into your favor but any woman, secure or insecure, would feel threatened by this.
Even if my girlfriend had a guy friend who would constantly call her "beautiful" and "babe" would set off alarms in my head. Also, it's kinda wierd to call a "little brother" "babe" isn't it? I have three younger sisters and I find it a bit uncomfortable to refer to them as "sweety" or "darlin". I usually call them by thier names or a nickname originated from their personality. Like "ReyRey" or "Speedy". Not "sweetheart" or "babe". So you can understand the misunderstanding that it can cause to the girlfriend.
Leave them alone. You have your fiance to confide in now. Both of you guys are in a separate relationship. Things like this are usually bound to happen. We grow up and apart. He obviously treasures her alot if he's willing to lose a best friend for her. You should take as it was given. He chose her over you and now you should put on your big girls pants and move on. If later down the road he wants to be friends again then you can go from there. But you can't blame him for choosing his girlfriend over you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2012): I'm sorry if this offends you, but your friend doesn't seem like much of a friend. First of all, he went back to someone that cheated on him, and to top it off he gave up your friendship for said cheater. When their relationship ends (which it inevitably will since she doesn't trust him), I guarantee he will try to talk to you again, and expect you to just forget all the pain he caused you. When this happens, ignore him. Do to him what he did to you. Show him how it feels. Maybe then he'll think twice the next time he's tempted to let some woman, undeserving of his time, tell him who he's allowed to be friends with. You're better off without him, anyway. If you forgive him, he'll do it again, perhaps with a different woman, but the end result will be the same for you. You'll feel the pain all over again. With friends like him, you don't need enemies.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (7 August 2012):
Don't call a man you see as a "little brother" 'sweetheart' or 'babe.' Even a female who is secure in her relationship would probably view that as more than friendly 'pet names' boardering on flirting.
Honestly, in the future, if most people wouldn't call a blood-related brother by a certain 'pet name,' you probably shouldn't use it when talking to a friend you see as a brother. I wouldn't even consider using either of those pet names with either of my brothers. It is an icky thought. Those are reserved for someone in a romantic relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 August 2012):
 I don't see why the pet names are that important, however I would not really appreciate someone calling my husband babe/sweetheart. Specially if she is JUST a friend, even a good one, it's not needed in a friendship.
But she does seem to have gone off the deep end. Maybe because she herself have cheated?
I would honestly, back off. If he wants to be with her so badly that he is willing to lose your friendship, how good a friend is he? And is she is so insecure, how long do you think it will last?
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 August 2012):
 Yes she is jealous and insecure, but I do agree that calling someone's boyfriend sweetheart or babe is crossing a line. No it doesn't mean you were planning to cheat, but she's not in your head and she doesn't know what you are thinking. I know to you it seems totally unfeasible, but she can't know that no matter how many times you tell her. And in all honesty, it sounds like your emotional bond may have been a little close for comfort, even if you weren't having sex. There is emotional cheating too. And you don't necessarily know how your guy friend was feeling. It's possible he was developing feelings for you or feeling like he was getting too close.
I had a friend like this in college too. We finished each others' sentences, hung out every day watching TV and chatting, and had a million and a half inside jokes. He was totally platonic to me and he felt the same (at least I think so). Then he got a girlfriend who was insanely jealous and possessive and he completely cut me out of his life at her request (though he wasn't so nasty about it and she never said anything to me). They dated for awhile, then they inevitably broke up, and we became close again.
I think you're going to have to wait for the same thing to happen. A relationship based on mistrust and control probably won't last. For now though, he's made his decision and you're just going to have to wait it out. Maybe in a couple months the dust will settle and you can cautiously approach the situation again.
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